Hi all-- my DD3 started her new bilingual preschool last week. She hates parental separations. She's been crying/screaming when dropped off at school (I'll miss you Mommy stuff). She did this last year at her other, beloved, preschool and then improved with it (separation was still sometimes hard for her throughout the year) and had a great year (including on days she cried at dropoff).

She says that she loves her new school, loves her new teachers, loves the other kids (she's very social), and when I pick her up she never wants to leave (usually pitches another fit when I try to take her home!), hugs the teachers, etc, already was invited to a playdate, kids like her. Teachers say she's a very happy kid, very vocal/participatory and interested in everything/doesn't miss anything going on (she already knows the stuff they do in circle time, but is VERY interested in the other kids bc social, so watches them instead). She's thrilled school is in Spanish. So far, I don't think it's the school, I think it's just her intensity.

She did weeks of pretend play separations with her stuffed animals and dolls prior to starting the new school and we've talked about it ENDLESSLY-- she gets it. When she's red faced and crying she'll sob "mommy will be back." It's just her emotions are so big. She's also tired bc she's refusing to nap at school.

It's just SO HARD to have the only kid that screams when dropped off (and she's SO LOUD). I leave and then she's happy and playing. I'm just SO TIRED of having other parents look at me with (I perceive) pity. The intensities are just exhausting with her. I should probably count my blessings that she's social/sunny disposition, but she just killed me this morning with her red-faced screaming fit, and in front of another parent from my Mom's group where my DD was a sensitive (screaming) mess as a newborn . Ugh.

Any support/suggestions would be appreciated.

I don't think it's abnormal emotional intensity, just a bad behavior pattern; lots of children do this at some point in my experience. What you need to do is treat it as a training problem. When you drop her off, if she's fussing, say goodbye calmly and just turn around and walk off-- don't say anything else, don't have a sympathetic look, don't turn around or linger, or any of it. On the better mornings, reward her with an extra hug. The behavior will eventually vanish, because there won't be any percentage in it.

I don't think you can safely assume it's a "training problem," although it could be. Does she have a lot of trouble with transition generally? I note that you say she has similar issues at pick up time.

I'm sending you sympathy. I have not had dropoff issues with my kids--both are extroverts--but I have definitely been embarrassed by them and their big emotions on many occasions.

One of my boys was like this. He cried so hard on the first day of preschool, he got a bloody nose! He cried for months. He has difficulties with transitions and we've had to be aware of it and work on it for years.

Sounds like the pretend play is great, her self-talk "mommy will be back" is fantastic. Now, you've just got to let her work through it. It may take a while. My son stopped for a while and then started up again. And whenever there was a change in his routine, he would cry. The teachers were aware and just dealt with it.

I think some encouraging words, "You can do it." "Take deep breaths and I'll be back before you know it." would be helpful. I think lots of hugs regardless. But I do agree with leaving after a big hug. My dd sometimes asks for another one, and I do it. We have a secret ritual of blowing kisses, too, which I think makes her feel better.

You might consider reading some books on separation. "The Kissing Hand" is a great one.

Also, don't worry about other moms. Who cares what they think? Their opinions just don't matter in this situation.

Yes... I second this. My daughter was like yours, and it carried on well beyond 3 because I fed into it. She was so intense and traumatized by my leaving (she's NOT social, like your daughter) that even the experienced preschool teachers were not sure how to handle her.

Anyway, to make loooooong long (lol) story short, her grade 2 teacher saved us both by putting into action what Iucounu suggests. At line up she'd calmly insert herself between DD and I and quickly pull DD into the school. (The first day of grade 2 she actually had to carry her in, kicking and sobbing while the other kids curiously looked on). By the end of the year she was totally fine.

Been there (and back again and again!! lol). It's interesting because three years old was INTENSE with my DD, but she was also blossoming cognitively (reading & writing sentences, grade 2?ish math+multiplication, etc etc). I think the intense behaviour was in part due to overall increased cognitive activity (i.e. "volume turned up"), but I'm not a psychologist so I don't know. It didn't let up until she was about 7ish (sorry ) I often thought I was losing my mind, that I was the worst parent, why my kid? Why? Sure, it's neat that she's so advanced, but why can't she behave like the other kids? Etc etc. Then along came my son who was just as difficult but completely different, and I just kind of got numb.

Buuut... the last few years have made a world of difference (they're now 8 and 9), and they're much more... um... "socially optimal." ;p

There is a light at the end of the tunnel... three is so hard!! Hand in there. This too shall pass.

DS, who is almost 4, is still like that when DH drops him off.

He is perfectly fine when I drop him off.

Interesting... my DH never dropped off DD but in general her anxiety issues were worse with him anyway (like she wouldn't read out loud to him, for example). Actually she wouldn't read out loud to anyone but me, so that's kind of a bad example. You know what I mean though. (I had to video tape her reading and send in a CD for her grade 1 teacher, lol) sigh

It's nice that he's fine for you though. It must make it easier.

One question - if the crying stops the minute you're out of sight, have you considered that - at least for this instance - that you might be being played just a bit? Kids will manipulate our heart-strings, and sometimes they'll buy into the emotion because it creates an intense connection with the parent. What worked for me with my more intense kiddo was just calmly telling them they'd be ok and then leaving. If I didn't buy into the drama, it was a lot less likely they'd continue with it if it meant they couldn't play and didn't get the reward they wanted of me feeling guilty and showing them with more attention later on in the day.

Now I'm not saying this is what's happening at all. I'm just putting it out there for consideration.

The OP has not said what she does or how she behaves during these tearful separations. I think we'd probably better give her a chance to explain that. Perhaps she IS walking away calmly and quickly?

Whether from bad habit or separation anxiety (or a combination of both), ITA with the others about a very short and sweet goodbye. It's like pulling a band-aid quickly of slowly - slowly is worse because there is always the secret hope by the distressed child that the parent will "rescue them" (as they see it).

If you have the choice for her dad/other caregiver to drop her off - it sometimes works wonders. Another thing you could do is have a teacher meet you at the car.

I so identify with how hard this is. I think most parents understand and think little of seeing another child upset at a goodbye.

This is what I had to do. I think when the OP said hers was the only one she was referring to intensity. My DD was "the only one" as well... sure there were lots of kids who'd cling and cry a bit, but mine was the only one (at our school, preschool, sports, etc... maybe not the only one in the city) ...who turned heads.

Mine was also the only 4 year old who had to arrive 20 minutes before skating lessons so that she could mentally prepare. She had a ritual she had to go through every time, otherwise you couldn't get her on the ice. Once on the ice she was extremely happy and would cry when the lesson was over, but she wouldn't skate unless she had her ritual.

(Meanwhile ALL the other 4 year olds walked in with their parents 5 minutes prior to the start of the lesson and sat obediently as their parents laced them up, and then passively plodded over to their line ups. Not my kid).

One day DH drove us. We left later because we had the car (we typically walk). We arrived with about 7-8 minutes to spare. DD would not go on the ice. SHE HAD TO COMPLETE HER RITUAL (drink some water, walk to the vending machines, try to lace her skates herself, etc etc). Finally we got her on the ice about halfway through, and when the class was over she was distraught because she'd only had about 15 minutes of it. Poor DH felt SO bad.

Yes, I talked to the doctor, yes I asked about OCD, anxiety, spectrum, etc etc. I got nowhere as far as a "diagnosis" is concerned. Sure enough, the doctor was right in that time has helped and she's outgrown most of it (although I don't think she'll ever be truly typical as far as anxiety goes).

I can completely identify with the OP in that some kids are just really different. I guess I'm stressing this point because I had so many well-meaning parents say "oh, lots of kids are like that," when really and truly, they weren't. I thought I was going crazy! Finally DD's grade 2 teacher told me how atypical and complex DD is, and I want to hug her. Thank you!! It's not just me!!!

(sigh)

CCN...

I see a lot of kids in my practice with this very "cautious" disposition...and it does usually get better with age. But parents are usually beyond frustrated by the time they come see me (eg: a child begs and begs to take a karate class - parent finally caves and signs child up - child refuses to get out of the car on the first day of class). Mental rehearsal can be invaluable (I had to do a lot of that when I first learned to drive) .

The advantage a parent has with school vs. an activity is that the environment becomes much more well-known to a child (daily attendance vs once a week for an hour) . The other benefit is that a child can form a bond with their
teacher(s). Then the teachers can help the child work through any remaining anxiety as the day unfolds...

IF a child is lucky enough to have an invested teacher.

Yes My kids have both been blessed with wonderful teachers who've accepted them unconditionally and been committed to working through their behavior issues. I feel very lucky in this regard.

I know another mom whose oldest son is gifted and had a lot of anger issues, and this mom had so many conflicts with school staff that they ended up switching schools. This makes me sad when I hear stories like this... I think this can be avoided with the right communication (i.e. mutually supportive and team oriented) between parents and staff.

LOL "cautious" is such a kind word ;p

Or as Longfellow declared:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed.
But when she was bad she was horrid.

Or maybe we should stick with "intense"

LOL

Hi there! Thanks for the responses! I learned last year with DD that the best thing was to stay calm, reassure her that I'd be back, let her push me out the door if she'd cooperate and walk away while she screamed, which is miserable (although she is always picked up/comforted by a teacher). Sometimes I read her a quick book, but if she just sniffled through that, I would eliminate that, too-- which I've done now. So what I'm doing now is walking away from my screaming child (or passing my screaming child to a teacher) after telling her I love her and I'll be back and letting her push me out the door if she'll do it.

My DH dropped her off today so I could get a break, and she did the same thing to him. She is an intense kid in general. When I pick her up in the afternoon, she is all smiles, hugs the teachers, bounces around chattering about the other kids (again, very social), so I have to believe I'm not doing her permanent damage by walking away. It's very hard to do. She also doesn't like transitions in general, and is frequently not happy when I take her outside after picking her up and tell her it's time to leave school. Teachers have commented in both schools that she sometimes didn't like school routine changes, but adapted better when she became familiar with the environment/routine/got more confident.

And, yes, when I said mine was the only one, I did mean the intensity. When my kid cries, even her normal crying (not the screaming she sometimes pulls) is so loud that people in other classrooms (AND the admin office) peek out in the hall to make sure that nothing really bad happened. She is different in that everything with her is so dialed-up intensity wise (good and bad--again, lucky she's sunny in general so usually just REALLY effusive/gregarious/lots of energy).

I know, for example, that there is another girl who cries at drop off, but she cries quietly (but for much longer than my DD). My DD also stops crying fast-- i.e. a couple of minutes after I leave, she's happy and playing by all reports. She gets over things fast in general.

Nothing else constructive to add, just wanted to send you one huge hug, even when we KNOW we're doing the right thing, nothing makes us feel quite so much like a failure as having to walk away from our own crying, pleading child. Just know it takes more courage to continue to do what is best than to cave under the pressure. You deserve a gold star, a blue ribbon and one very long bubble bath!

What?

A crying pleading child is evidence that whatever you are doing is working! If it wasn't working, there would be smiles, sunshine, chocolate, more chocolate, some chocolate with sugar flowers, random pretty things, and rainbows.

Just like when you pull out an abscessed tooth or break a nose that healed incorrectly, it's supposed to hurt! That means it's working! You can't break an omelet without making some eggs!

Or is this a bad analogy?

My kids thoroughly believed I would leave them in jail if they got arrested. I didn't know this until another mother, in a very disapproving tone shared this with me. She was horrified when I replied, "Good. That'll make them think twice or three times before deciding to following their friends into trouble like little lemmings."

That's the kind of mom who will be retrieving her precious ones from juvenile detention. Repeatedly.

What's the kind of mom? (not sure what you're referring to)

Having had one child in each category, I always found the quietly sobbing child more heartbreaking. And I have done my share of peeking though the window after the more spectacular drop offs.

Getting back to the looks from other parents, I always look, but I am trying to channel a supportive, "been there done that, what can you do?" vibe. I think your life might be easier assuming that's what other parents are trying to communicate, if only for your own sanity. Also because the tenser the parent get the more wound up the kid ends up (yep, it is always the mom's fault! can't win that game!!).

The kind of mom that you describe ABQMom who would move heaven and earth and pay any amount of money to prevent a rightfully-arrested child from spending a minute in detention. My kids also know I will let them suffer some consequences for poor choices. I sure hope they can remember this when poor decision time comes.

I think there should be a hand signal that means "Dude, I have so BTDT. Sympathy vibes."

LOL

Well, she cooperated and pushed me out the door sobbing this morning (no screaming) and was playing happily by the time I got to the parking lot by all reports. Many of the parents have been nice (BTDT, not just pity). One day at a time.

Yay!

Happy to report she made a great adjustment! Just takes her longer, apparently. No more tears, excited to go in the morning (she's social and was happy once she knew the teachers and other kids). Ironically, after she stopped crying in the mornings, she went through a period of crying when I tried to take her home from school but she is now "using her words" most days to tell me what she's feeling vs. crying/screaming. Thanks for the support, everyone!

Great news. And you probably earned a few gray hairs you can one day blame on this!

Hooray!

omg! Her intensity can be so exhausting. No kidding on the gray hairs!! Thanks for the support, folks.