How do you help someone get over avoiding challenges that may result in poor performance?


How do you help a child value always doing their best effort? "A job worth doing is worth doing well"

I'm trying to get a conversation prepared for DS11 going back to school. He can be a hard worker but need a little shift in attitude.

Mmm. I think those are two very different questions, and actually, that reframing the second may help with the first. As a child myself, I used to feel I had to put my best effort into everything. It was stultifying, because actually, you can't - there aren't enough hours in the day, and anyway, some tasks are just not weighty enough to take it. I ended up overthinking everything and being stressed out, and I didn't learn to prioritise and take responsibility for choices. I still struggle with this to some extent (I'm the one with dust all over my house because I haven't time to dust properly - really, it would be better to do what I can do in 5 mins sometimes! Sometimes a job worth doing is worth doing badly :-)

With DS, I'm trying to help him commit to doing his best sometimes, but at the same time, to recognise "good enough" in context for other things. I don't feel I have a great answer for how to do this in practice, though - I haven't got far beyond lecturing about it. School gets each child to choose three "targets" each term which are the areas they are especially going to focus on, and I think that's helpful.

So on the one hand, I think that recognising that effort in is a knob that has many positions may actually help with turning it all the way up sometimes and seeing what happens; on the other hand, one way into a challenging activity is actually to do it the first time *without* committing to maximal effort. I forget who it was, here or elsewhere, but someone tells their child that the aim for a first go through of a piano piece is to play it terribly badly (but to play it!) DS didn't bite when I tried that particular thing with him, but I like the idea.

What is the incentive for working hard?

I've gotten over perfectionism with the motto:

"Everything worth having is worth working for." and by finding out how wonderful it is to improve at something that you initially suck at.

So, I am willing to cook terrible tasting healthy dinners, work hard on an organic garden and see it fail, and work on brain teasers without feeling dumb, because I recognize I always get better with practice.

That said, you may have a hard time convincing him of the value of hard work and mastering something, when grades are what is most valued in schools...

The only reward you get in school comes from playing it safe so you can get A's in everything. You could spend all your time delving deeply into different subjects, too, but you'll still get the same grade as the guy who just studied the book and does well on multiple choice tests.



Lol. I tell myself this is why I haven't cleaned my house, either. It might be true, but it could also be that no matter how many times I mop, sweep, and do the dishes, there is still more mopping, sweeping and dishes to be done! This doesn't inspire me to do chores...