DS10 draws DH and I into arguing with him. I try so hard not to do this but,have been unsucessful. He is getting too much attention for negative behavior. He yells and says we are yelling at him. We are very good at not yelling. He does not relate to reason, when he is upset. I try to tell him we will talk about it later when he is calm but he wants anwsers.

I must need a different way of thinking about this. Please help if you can.

do a search on the nurtured heart approach, I wish I had found that when my DD was 10.

My DD often used to complain that we were yelling at her - even when we were speaking with a calm voice. She finally explained to me (at age 17) that when she says yelling, she means coming down on her/hurting her feelings/being condescending/making her feel bad/etc. She didn't have a word for it but it was affecting her as if we were yelling. I.e even if I said something like "why haven't you cleaned your room yet when you have been told 5 times to do it?" She would get upset and say she had been yelled at. We recently found out she has AS and ADD, so maybe this was affecting the way she perceived anything negative directed at her.

Don't know if this will help or not, but I started telling my boys awhile ago that I couldn't hear what they were saying when it was accompanied by certain tones. So when they whined, or yelled, all I heard was the sound they made, not the words they were saying. They eventually figured out that they didn't get what they were looking for unless they got themselves under control.
Or maybe try recording him so he can see what he looks like. He may be unaware he's acting out so much.
Wish I could think of more. Hope you find a solution, I know it's stressful for everyone involved.
Good Luck!

Boredom? DS gets very argumentive when he is not being challenged enough.

If that is our problem, my DS has never, ever been challenged even close to enough.

I never thought of that before but, I think that boredom can play into arguing. When DS is having fun with a friend/activity at home he is his best self.

Thanks everyone for suggestions and reminders. I'm going try to get the nurtered Heart book or video from the library.

HeeHee, my DS2 is developing a bit like that.

both DDs are very argumentative when they are bored. Especially with each other! (both bored with each other and more argumentative with each other)

I'm having luck this summer with sheer bribery, if that helps! I started making DS8's allowance dependent on behavior even more than on chores. As soon as he starts picking on his sister, I ask him if it's worth a quarter (how much he will lose if he does it) and he decides it's not, and he stops. It's working for fighting, rudeness, and bad attitude in general. He can also get a quarter back, or an extra one, for good things that come along.

I'm actually quite a fan of the Nurtured Heart thing, just for the record, but I'm not home most of the day and just can't make it work right now.

I started a thing called the "band of brothers" for my boys this summer. I sat them down and discussed with them what it really means to be brothers. I gave each of them a rubber arm band that identified them as part of a team. Every single time an argument starts, I gather all 3 together to sort it out and remind them that they are a "band of brothers."

I admit I was getting really sick of my own speech, but slowly things have really started to turn around. Over the last few weeks I've noticed a willingness to work things out for themselves and a tolerance for quirky behavior. I'm hopeful that it will continue, it's definitely an improvement over the past!

Shari,

I love it. Now I need to adapt "band of brothers" to sister/brother team!

I LOVE this! My sons are young still and my new matra for them (for the whole family right now) is "Kind words, gentle voices" esp when they are speaking to each other. but I so love the band of brothers - I am so stealing this idea! thanks