I'm feeling a little awkward... - Gifted Issues Discussion Forum

Well, I volunteered in DS' first grade class for the first time today and did a math lab. Everything went well. The awkward part is that I recognized one of the kids there from DS' Kindergarten class last year.

I have alluded to some unpleasantness there before, but I don't think I ever posted the details here. You may have read them on the GT-FAMILIES list last June. Anyway, the boy I recognized is one of the ones whose family was involved in excluding DS from the end-of-year celebration.

Here's the letter that I found in DS' cubby last June: (K is the boy who is in his new first grade class this year.)

Quote

Dear "{DS' name}'s Parents",

My name is J. I'm G's father. I'm not sure if you know G. I know I've never met {DS}.

G and K {G's friend} have been attending {The School} since 2001, starting as babies just after the school opened. They've been here longer than any {School} employee. B and N {other friends} started just a year or so later.

This Friday marks a completion for them--for G and K more so than the others. G and K will be the first children to complete a full course at this school. As tradition dictates, we mark that completion with a ceremony, including ceremonial garb and a certificate.

We do that to indicate and savor the accomplishment. We give the children a sense of achievement to carry with them in their new beginning as First Graders. We in turn are rewarded with a pride different from all the other feelings of pride we've felt for our child. This completion marks the beginning of our pride in watching our child become an adult.

My son tells me {DS} will participate in the ceremony, but will not really graduate because he's really just visiting Kindergarten. He wonders if that is right--and so do I.

Several of the kindergarten parents have asked themselves and each other the same question.

The children know that {DS} in not really in their class. They know he won't really be in kindergarten until next year. They know he hasn't accomplished everything that they have. They know that when he participates in their graduation it will be pretend.

I would like you to know that your charade trivializes not only by child's accomplishment or the other kindergartener's, but yours as well--next year, when the accomplishment will be real. I began this letter with the intent to threaten and coerce you into doing what I think is right, but now I realize that perhaps you just didn't know there's really more to this ceremony than just dressing up. Perhaps you didn't know that it had meaning for all of US.

I respectfully ask you to consider what this moment really means to you and your son. I ask you to weigh that value against tainting OUR children's graduation.

I ask you simply to understand that you will be demonstrating reward for cheating to the entire 2007 kindergarten class by having your child participate in this graduation ceremony without basis.

I am asking you not to do that.

Sincerely,

J

We did not attend the "graduation." I was hoping to never see any of these people again... Now K is in DS' class again!? What next...

Cathy

Hi Cathy
((Hugs)) that is so sad! I can't believe that anyone would lose perspective to the point where they think that 'graduation' from Kindergarden is a proud accomplishment. I'll bet the part about 'and everyone else things so too' is a total fabrication. And the idea that your son would 'achieve' the honor of graduation through cheating: Bizzare! Anyway -

Here are the options:
A pretend that the letter was never recieved and that you just happened to be busy the day of graduation. In future if any such stuff comes your way, respond: "I know that a fellow as caring and sensitive as yourself will understand will understand that every child deserves to learn where they learn best, and for my son, at this moment, that is in your son's class. Practice in front of a mirror and with friends until you can do this smoothly.

B show the school staff. likely they will tell you that the fellow is odd and acts like this all over the place

C have a backup plan, keep your eyes out for a new school, or a new grade, etc.

D get friendly a few of the nicer parents at the school, who can do your PR for you. Obviously this fellow cares about 'what everyone else' is saying.

E Journal about what this reminds you of in your own growing up experience. Almost everyone has an older sibling, cousin or an aquaintance who tried to exclude them on some pretext at some point in their life. The key confusion towards children is a disrespect that comes at them from the adult world, and in then re-broadcast from one child to another. Children are given to understand that 'little' is bad and powerless, and that if they cooperate and wait, someday they will be the 'big' one who is good and important. DS11 was talking about it the other day in terms of all the pep talks the teachers at school gave about the glories of life in the upper grades.

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry that you got that weird letter!

Grinity

Originally Posted by Dottie

Thanks Grinity! I came back to try a rational response, but was having trouble getting past...

1. This was kindergarten
2. He thought these things
3. He wrote these things
4. He wrote so many things
.
.
.

Again...flabbergasted! I would probably totally ignore him, very obviously. He's not quite right in the head. I feel sorry for his kid.

Dottie, you forgot one more...

He wrote those things!

I haven't seen any woman on this board like this, but I've had way too much contact with super b*****y women in their late teens/early 20's, not by choice but by necessity. This 'man' sounds like that kind. Maybe he should be on Springer!

Cathy, the only person who should feel awkward is the person who wrote that note. Ignore it, and take pride in your child's accomplishment.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD POST IT ON THE 1ST GRADE CLASSROOM DOOR!

Sorry, I don�t mean to be trite, but don�t know what to say either. Unfortunately, I have heard this type of comment (and worse) from other parents at the school regarding early entrance and acceleration, but nothing //signed// and in writing.

How much social clout does this guy have?

That was so far out of line, I don't know where to begin! Did you ever notify school administration? I am wondering how they did/would react.

Did your son get skipped into k? When did that happen- was it very close to "graduation"? I am trying like mad to come up with some scenario that doesn't make this guy out to be a nutter, but I really am not having much luck.

I like that way he says he was going to threaten and coerce, but he changed his mind. As if that letter isn't threatening! I might even have brought it to the police. A restraining order would be a nice touch.

hugs to Cathy, and I hope that meddlesome Dad is done causing trouble. Please don't let people like this dictate what your son does.

Ugh.

That's all I've got, really. Ugh.

The guy is a jerk, clearly. I'm with delbows: I probably would have posted it on the classroom door. If the other parents agree with what he says (fat chance!), then no harm done, right?

If not, the hue and cry would have been very fulfilling! But then, I'm no diplomat in these matters. I can't stand bullies, and that's what this guy is.

This is the new skip, right? That you just got? Just want to make sure that I'm not steering you wrong. If I'm remembering wrongly and this skip happened at the start of the year, then please disregard the following...

The question of the dad's social clout is the big issue, I think. Is he likely to have the means and/or the opportunity to make trouble for you this year?

If not, then hold your head up and smile charmingly at him when you see him. He'll hate that!

You and your child have every right to be in that classroom. Don't let this nutter poison this well for you, too. He doesn't have the right.

If you think he can and potentially will make trouble, and if the teacher is sympathetic (as she seems to be, no?), then I think I would ask to meet with her, show her the letter, and then tell her as matter-of-factly as possible that there is an uncomfortable history between the two families, as evidenced by the letter, that you thought she should be aware of. Make it clear that you merely want her to know about the issue, not that you need to have any action taken. But that you hope that she'll be on the lookout for any otherwise unexpected problems.

I'd end with expressing gratitude to her for welcoming your child so thoroughly into the class and tell her how happy your DS is there.

Now, I'm really bad at this sort of thing. But that seems the prudent course of action to me. Whatever you decide to do, I think you can't let this rotten person ruin your DS's situation. Don't let your discomfort with this man or his child mess up what's working!

A confident smile will take you a long way in this sort of situation. If necessary, fake it! He won't know the difference!

{{Hugs}}

I'm with Dottie--totally flabbergasted! I don't know what bothers me more--the fact that he said those things or that he thinks finishing kindergarten is such a huge accomplishment.

The comment that really gets me is the one about teaching the kids it's okay to cheat. Come on! This is so ridiculous.

I agree with the others. Post it on the door!

What a whack job. "As tradition dictates ..." -- what, that you be a snot? Tradition my foot, it's kindergarten!

Unbelievable. I'm so sorry that you have to put up with this family again.

Originally Posted by Mia

What a whack job. "As tradition dictates ..." -- what, that you be a snot?

LOL! Well put, Mia!

Cathy you're a better person than I am. I worry what I might have done in this situation. Just thinking about it makes my head float and detach from my logical/rational self. The fiercely protective momma bear in me wants to find this guy's weak spot and attack it.

Hi Cathy,

Let me add my own, "that is so astonishingly lame!" to the Chorus going up from the board. i don't think I would have slept for a month after getting something like that.

The compassionate part of me, though, cries out for the poor child who is being raised by this jerk. His kid doesn't deserve to have to put up with the %$#@ that his father is probably creating for him. Maybe it would help keep you grounded to find some compassion for the poor little 6 year old. At least, your son gets to go home with a nice mom!

Oh Cathy - I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I send you many hugs. I think you probably did the right thing in ignoring it. But I'm pretty sure if that happened to me, I would have gone to the principal. What a nut job. I agree with acs - this poor little kid is going to have a rotten life with a dad like that, so best to play nice, I suppose. (of course, if you ever get the opportunity to stick it to this guy, I'm all for it!)

Originally Posted by acs

The compassionate part of me, though, cries out for the poor child who is being raised by this jerk. His kid doesn't deserve to have to put up with the %$#@ that his father is probably creating for him. Maybe it would help keep you grounded to find some compassion for the poor little 6 year old. At least, your son gets to go home with a nice mom!

HEAD NODDING - poor jerk's DS

Cathy,

That letter is unbelievable. You definitely should hold onto it - you can put it in a book someday about out of control or out of reality parents. It's one of those truth is stranger than fiction things. Kindergarten graduation of all things...

So sorry for you and your DS. Oh, and so sorry for G!!!

Ok - coming late here, but I'm am absolutely appalled that another parent sent you that! How completely classless! It's not like your child was caught plagerizing at Harvard. That is absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I wonder what the other parents and the teachers there would say if they knew about this? Isn't kindergarten supposed to be warm, fuzzy, and INCLUSIVE?

And you do have to feel for a child that is being brought up with a parent who thinks this way. Sad. Definitely sounds like a candidate for Springer.

Keep your head held high. It is really tough being stuck with that kid in your DS's class, but you did nothing wrong except be a good parent for your son. What a whack job. It makes my head want to explode thinking about it.

Obviously this man has some VERY serious issues. You were probably right to just not go but I think I would have gone just to spite him. (show's my immaturity right?

) Did you check with any of the other parents to see if anyone else felt this way? This was most probably just him on some sort of crazy power trip. It's not his kids fault, but I definitely wouldn't be fostering any friendships between your DS and the other child. (although it would be kind of funny if they became best friends and then the dad had to eat his words)

I'm so sorry he put you through this and good luck if you ever run into him at school!

I would post the letter on the bulletin board, with a sign that said "Bad Parenting Teaches our Children the Wrong Values".

In fact I would make copies (deleting your name and son's names and post it everywhere in the neighborhood with the same sign attached.

Ren

Wow, Cathy, it is hard to believe that someone would think that much less put it in writing.

If it does bother you for that child to be in your son's class, you might consider showing the letter to your principal and requesting that your child be placed in a different class next year.

OMG. I haven't seen anything so mean and rude for a very long time. What exactly was his problem???? How did you explain all that to your son? Did his last year teacher know about this?

May be next time you see him, you can mention how glad you were to see his son when you were helping in your son's classroom

I personally would avoid the jerk as much as possible, but if you have to face him smile and if asked mention that your son got skipped because he is very advanced academically

How did you like the 1st class otherwise?

Sorry I confused people with my original post...

We received the letter last year just before the end of school. DS had been early entranced (in January, at age 4) to private K at the school mentioned in the letter (not the school DS and K attend now). G's father felt that my son wasn't "qualified" to graduate (despite never having met DS...) We ended up not attending the graduation after G's father threatened to disrupt the ceremony if we attended. The private school spinelessly asked us not to come. We had invited relatives from out of town to see the little performance the kids were going to do. Instead, we baked cupcakes and had a family pool party.

Later, I found out that DS' teacher was actually babysitting G after school at G's house and that she was very chummy with his family and with K's family. She talked a lot to them about her opinions of DS and complained to them about having him placed in her class. It was totally unprofessional...

Anyway...like I said, I thought it was all water under the bridge and then I find out that K is in DS' new class this year! My plan is to not say anything about it at all...unless it becomes a problem. Chances are, DS and K will not be in the same second grade class next year anyway.

Ugh. I hate the idea of these toxic people poisoning others against DS...I hope that doesn't happen.

Otherwise, the first grade class is going great!

Cathy

Originally Posted by Cathy A

We ended up not attending the graduation after G's father threatened to disrupt the ceremony if we attended. The private school spinelessly asked us not to come. We had invited relatives from out of town to see the little performance the kids were going to do. Instead, we baked cupcakes and had a family pool party.

Later, I found out that DS' teacher was actually babysitting G after school at G's house and that she was very chummy with his family and with K's family. She talked a lot to them about her opinions of DS and complained to them about having him placed in her class. It was totally unprofessional...

OMG Cathy - I didn't think the jerk could become an even bigger jerk, but I stand corrected. His behavior and the teacher's behavior sickens me. Yuck - yuck - and yuck!!!

Ew! The babysitting teacher is an extra-ugly wrinkle! As is the school's reaction.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

WOW! I am not sure how I would have reacted. Hopefully nothing will happen again with this family.

ETA: The more I think about the more I think this family must have been so jealous of your son. I can't believe that didn't think your son would be affected by not being able to attend the ceremony. Urgh.

I guess seeing K there just brought up a lot of bad memories. You wouldn't believe the uproar caused by the whole thing...the waffling and attempted compromises by the director of the school. Stuff like DS will join the ceremony wearing a "Soaring into Kindergarten T-shirt" while the other kids wear caps and gowns. And DS will not receive a "diploma" like the others. DS will not be able to participate in the songs because the practices took place after he went home. The phones calls and people not looking me in the eye... UGH!

They knew they were doing the wrong thing and they did it anyway. In the end, we felt so unwelcome we just opted out. Nevermind all the $$$ we paid to that school!

Ok. I have to stop thinking about this

or I'll go nuts.

Sorry about the alphabet soup. I just didn't feel right posting the kids' names. None of this is their fault.

At the time (last June), we told DS that director of the school made a mistake and that we would have our own party. We didn't tell him anything about the letter or what the other kids' parents said or did. I just didn't want to expose him to that kind of meanness.

Cathy

Good call.

Cathy, you made the right choice not involving the children at all. With this being a different school K's dad probably won't have the clout he did last year. I would think about having an informal chat with DS's current teacher and thank her for helping with a smooth and successful transition to 1st for DS. And while you are chatting express your concerns about any kids excluding yours purposely.
As for K's dad, either he'll feel stupid for his past actions and avoid you so he doesn't feel even stupider OR he'll pull another stunt like that letter. In that case, I think I'd see about a restraining order against him to keep him from contacting you in any way. If nothing else, maybe that thought will make you feel better! :-)

Thank you, OHG! The thought does make me feel better. Actually, just talking about it here makes me feel better. You are right, he may feel stupid about it and just avoid us. That would be fine by me. I have already thanked DS' teacher for so expertly integrating him into the class. She is great! I haven't noticed the kids excluding him...I hate to bring it up unless I see a problem.

Wow. What a loser. Seriously, this guy has an OQ (Obnoxiousness Quotient) over 200. Makes me wonder what he puts his family through.

Two things:

1. A guy I used to know always used to say "Consider the source" when our mutual boss would drive me bonkers. Her OQ was in the gifted range. He was right; she was a very unhappy person and most of the stuff she said came out of that. She had no power to hold either of us back in life (we were young people working at a diner for the summer) and so her nastiness had no real power. Neither does his. Nothing this guy can say will hold your son back from whatever his bright future holds for him. Remember, a lot of people can't handle bright kids. Maybe our kids make them feel like failures or something. I dunno.

2. If you get trapped in a conversation with him and he gets really obnoxious, just smile sweetly and tell him that finishing kindergarten was such a small achievement for your son, there was really no point in celebrating graduation anyway.

!!!

Woof.

Val

Originally Posted by Val

If you get trapped in a conversation with him and he gets really obnoxious, just smile sweetly and tell him that finishing kindergarten was such a small achievement for your son, there was really no point in celebrating graduation anyway.

Thanks, Val! I was never good at snappy comebacks. This could be useful!