I have posted here a few times in the past. I'll take a second on some background information on where we are right now.

I have a wonderful little 15 month old who appears to be gifted. As I posted before she has met all of her milestones extremely early. Academically, she knows all her letters and most sounds and always knows a word that begins with any letter you ask her. She knows all her shapes and most of her colors. She even asks for things by color "blue blankey, please". Her language development is advanced (as far as I can tell). She now has over 300 signs and 200 words (we stopped counting after that). She can tell whole stories, though not all language structure is present. She remembers EVERYTHING.

Anyway, down to the issues...I was forced to put her in daycare/preschool when my father in law, who was caring for her got sick. She has been in daycare 2 days a week for 2 months now. Separating from me has always been terribly difficult for her and she cries and screams and runs after me. Apparently she also cries almost the whole day as well. Last week, I was talking to the director and she stopped me and said "wait a second, your daughter can talk?". !@! Apparently she does not/will not talk or sign at school. I observed via a camera both days last week and found that the classroom was NOT at all appropriate for her. They were basically just keeping the kids alive in that room (1 year olds). The teacher never interacted with her except to take her to the potty (which was infrequent, she'd rather just change a diaper i guess) and the children can not talk. I thought maybe if they moved her up to a room with some stimulation and other kids who can talk it would work out. Everyone agreed and they moved her up to the 2 year old room. I then observed this new classroom which was PERFECT in my eyes. The teacher was constantly interacting, entertaining, moving around the room. They were working on weather (which my daughter LOVES to talk about) animals, colors and singing a ton of songs. Well, she still wouldn't participate or talk. She cried less, but still what I would consider the whole day. She sat in a chair away from the other kids and cried. The director spoke to me last night and said that my daughter is "different from the other kids" and she "thinks about me more than most kids would". She also said she is very sensitive, which she is. If she sees a kid crying in a book, she will cry. If I stub my toe and look upset, she cries.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice at all on how to help her through this tough time? Any success stories? I just want her to be ok and have fun with her friends. I don't have a choice to not work, as it is it has been a stretch cutting back to working just part time.

Also, if it matters, I have raised her in a "natural way" or so called Attachment parenting. She has never been left to cry for anything since her needs are very valid. She is also still nursing.

I had a child just like this. She cried when someone else cried. It was like she felt their same pain. To this day, 8 years later, she's still this way. She has very strong feelings for things and cares deeply about worldly issues. She has learned coping skills for this, with age, but it doesn't go away. It's part of who they are. It's not a bad thing... there are strengths in a child with that level of empathy, but you have to understand how they think. My DD clung to me and chased after me in preschool and I thought I was never going to make it through. She gets upset by movies that have sad parts or books etc. But, as I said, now she understands why she feels that way. She handles it better and we do a lot of talking. she comes to me and we have a mature conversation about how she feels and it helps her to know she's normal and it's ok. I don't think it's anything you are or aren't doing. it's just who she is. Embrace it! Yes, she is different, but that's OKAY! the sooner you accept that she's different than other kids, the easier it is to handle. there is a reason the GT population is at the 1% and 2% on a bell curve. They ARE different and have different needs. I recommend looking into the emotional needs of the gifted and you will see she is totally normal!!!!!!

Thank you for your insight! I guess I just wanted her to get the social aspect of daycare/preschool and instead it's just painful to her. I did panic when the director said she is different, but I'm not sure why. I KNOW she is different :-).

I'm so glad that your daughter has been able to develop coping skills. She sounds wonderful!

Hi Rachael - I also did attachement parenting and daycare! A weird combination, but if you gotta, then you gotta.

I do have some ideas -
1) ask the director to visit your house so she can see your daughter under 'normal' circumstances.
2) ask the director what age group of children she thinks your daugther would enjoy the most.
3) consider the 3 year old room
4) get a playdate with a bright girl from the 2 or 3 or 4 year old room at home, so that when DS goes to school she will be able to see her friend X. This is how my son coped. He always had a 'best friend' and all was well unless that child was home sick (or wanted to play with someone else)
5) Look into 'home day care' perhaps with a homeschooling mom who has a wide variety of age group kids.
6) Accept that if you have to work, then that's what's best for the family, even if it's very hard on your dd - luckily it's only 2 days a week. We can only give what we have, as much as we might like otherwise. Don't expect that your daughter enjoy it, only that she tolerate it.
7) Hire a nanny or substitute grandma, the number of children alone may be to much for dd's sensory system. She is very young.
8) Talk to DD about the 2 year old room and see how she percieves it.
9) give the 2 year old room 3 more tries and see if she slowly starts to realize that there is some fun there.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but 15 is a funny age for advanced kids - still so much a baby, and yet so aware of their world. When I used to feel sorry for myself, I'd reread the parts of Dune about that baby sister who was born knowing everything. It could be worse. I try to use humor to move me along, so I would look at my DS, feel so much love, and in my brain, the word "Abomination" would scroll past my imagination. Always good for a laugh for us Dune fans.

Love and More Love,
Grinty

Grinity,

As always, thanks for your insight. I LOVE the playdate idea because she seems to need someone to be attached to. I really just need to get through the next 8 months as my sister is having a baby and we will be trading childcare...but by then by daughter may be used to daycare!

I love the idea of a homeschooling mom too. That might be my next best option. I'll have to look into what is around here.

I do have to say that she actually talked a little at school the last day i picked her up and her teachers say she had a much better day. She never showed any improvement in the 1y/o room, but now it has only taken a few days. So, I'm anxious to see what next week brings, but I really would love to get a playdate set up!

Anyway, thanks again so much!

Your daughter sounds very much like a younger version of DD. She was in daycare for a couple of months this summer (she's now with a babysitter part time but will be back in daycare next month). We've stopped counting the number of words but at daycare she barely speaks! Granted, it is in a new language for her but there are some there that understand English but she still doesn't speak much to them. She's going through a shy phase (started right when daycare started) and now doesn't talk much when strangers are around.

She's always had some pretty severe separation anxiety (got it at 4.5 months, ugh!). And it really hasn't gotten any better. I keep wondering when it will???? Maybe by the time she's in college? Hopefully?

Anyways, what did help was that she formed a bond with two workers at her daycare (ironically, the two who spoke English fairly well). She also started making some friends (most of them older). Basically, the daycare workers would make sure she was always around one of the workers that she liked the best and things went smoother. We also made sure that she was at an activity that she really enjoyed when we left in the morning (normally the trampoline).

Good luck and I can really understand your frustration!


ETA: we also have the sensitivity thing going too. She really freaks out when she hears other kids crying and we have to discuss it afterwards. It helps if I ask her why she thinks the baby was crying. Normally she says the baby has to go to the potty. Although she's STILL talking about a baby that was crying that she saw a few days ago, she's especially concerned about him!

Oh, and we also go the different comments. Mostly because she is insanely curious so while all the kids are playing with the toys she's checking out the file cabinets and every inch of the room!

I totally agree. We aren't a home daycare but it goes from 0-12 and that has really worked wonders for DD. They also never have any set activities (besides meals and taking them to the park). Sure they'll put music on sometimes or color or whatever but it's always up to the kids if they want to participate and when. I know at least one of her friends was 5+ (not sure of the exact age but he was definitely not a preschooler!) and he seemed very excited to see DD in the mornings. I've seen how she's around kids her own age and it's not pretty... sure she likes them but normally she's running off to do her own thing than play with them but with older kids she's much more engaged.

I just wanted to update you all and thank you all again for your words of support.

It turns out things ARE getting better! She still cries a lot on the first day of her week there, but much less. She's just started talking at school...one of the first things she told her teachers was a lecture on where all her "people" were..."Mommy is at work, grandma - work, friend lini at school, daddy work...." and so on until she had told them where everyone she knew was. She has also started signing again, even to the point where teachers from different rooms come in to ask her signs for things they are teaching in class. I think she feels proud, if that's possible at her age in this situation.

Thanks for the idea Grinity, We now have a playdate with a boy in her class that is always hugging her when she is crying and stroking her hair when she is sad...I can't wait to see how that goes!

I still don't have a pulse on how much she is participating, but I'm so pleased that things are going better. She used to tell me all the time "Maddie (she always refers to herself in the 3rd person :)) sad-- cry school". Today she said "HAPPY" and I said why are you happy and she said "school...friends"!

((Happy Tears))
Wow! Homerun! Is she still in the 2 year olds room? Can you observe her via remote like you did before? I'm so glad to hear that she is talking at school. And that she has a friend. (or more!?!) Ain't having a happy kid the best?

Smiles,
Grinity

Talk about a swelling heart! She isn't even my child and I want to give her a great big hug so I can only imagine what you felt when hearing that.

My daughter was the same way in that she had severe separation anxiety at 4 months. Her doctor was shocked to discover this at her check up appointment. Separation anxiety (the first stages) usually occurs no earlier than 8 months and it is linked to object permanency .... so yet another example of advancement in their brain development.

This is a very interesting thread for me. I'm also dealing with an emotionally intense toddler having trouble with preschool.

She understands that "Mama always comes back" -- instead, her problem is that the situation is too overstimulating and overwhelming. Unfortunately, the teachers' strategies for dealing with her upsets are exactly the wrong things to do! The first one is pressuring her to engage in more activities. It's all the activities that are stressing her out! The other one is reading her that dreadful "Owl Babies" story. It does not make her feel better, it just makes her more upset on behalf of the little owls!

Fortunately, the teachers are very responsive and are working closely with me on this. I'm working on explaining Hanni to them, and for my part I'm reminding myself that most kids are not like her, and the teachers' strategies are probably very effective for most kids.

I'm really hoping this all smoothes out and I can keep her in the program. If I have to pull her out, I'm back to one-on-one babysitting, which is too little social stimulation for her. Sigh.

Meg,

How old is your daughter? If she is 2 or under than I wouldn't worry about too little social stimulation. Even if she is closer to three I wouldn't worry that much about it. She just might need some time to mature emotionally before going into a preschool. Nothing wrong with some one on one time with love and attention.

Yes, she is still in the new room, which as it turns out is actually a 2-3 year old room which is helpful. Yep, I still get to observe her...actually I dropped in unannounced yesterday and asked for the video feed to be brought up . I'm all for taking full advantage of the monitoring system, and it seems like I'm the only parent who uses it!

I feel like both her and I are sleeping better now. I feel calmer and maybe she does too! When she woke up to nurse in the night last night she wanted to chat about school!

Oh I so hope it works out for you! I know my daughter gets so bored when its just her and I day in and day out, so I know this is good for her, but certainly can see where preschool would be TOO stimulating! I know of a child who gets overstimulated at school (he's 4), so the teacher put up a room divider (curtain) and made a basket of books just for him. Anytime he's feeling overwhelmed he retreats there until he feels ok and he usually emerges on his own. Just a thought :-)

Just wanted to revive this thread to say, Hanni is doing GREAT in preschool now! She loves her teachers, loves the other kids, and is happy at drop-off time. I'm so glad we stuck it out!

And as she perks up, the teachers are starting to clue in to how verbal she is. It helps that she is not an extreme outlier in this class, so the teachers don't have to completely shift their frame of reference. She's the youngest, and the oldest kid is a good match for her verbally. Also, most of the kids are smarter than the average bear (at least half of them have parents who are professors or computer geeks).

So though I do still see the teachers talking down to her a bit ("Hanni, I see that you have TWOOOOO ponytails today!"), I don't think it's egregious and I don't think it's going to particularly harm her. Meanwhile there's paint, oo-blek, trampolines, pandas in the sand-tray, and veggies grown right there in the classroom. Hooray!

That's great! I'm glad it's going so well.

I'm freaking out because it turns out I'm definitely going back to work full time once DD turns 2 and so we need to start the preschool/daycare search. We're actually moving somewhere where homeschooling is illegal (for sure now) and so we might look into a preschool that is attached to an elementary school (hopefully Montessori) but we're still unsure what the local options are. It's so good to hear success stories!

So the move is definite, eh? Good luck and happy trails! Are the schools there good, and/or acknowledge gifted needs? Are you thinking about private schools?

For myself, I plan on keeping Hanni in a play-based setting as long as possible. After that, we'll see.

Yep, it's going to be quite a change! Thanks!

So the public schools aren't but we're definitely going private (thankfully this move comes with new jobs that will make this possible). The school that I'm drolling over (multi-age Montessori) would be a tough fit because it's only half-days at her age and almost twice the price of the other ones we're looking at. Plus, I'd be working full time so we'd need to find some sort of childcare in the afternoon. I know that school allows grade skipping and has a gifted program (and it would be good to start as young as possible so that we don't have to deal with tougher admissions policies as she gets older). As far as I can tell there is no financial age.

There's another one that is more in our price range but would double our commute and DD wouldn't be able to start for another 1.5 years. It also has a gifted program and lots of honors/AP classes at least for the high school level but doesn't do the multi-age thing. Both those schools are bilingual, international schools (DH's preference).

It seems like they have a few other Montessori schools or more child-led ones at better prices but they are just in the local language, which DH really doesn't want. Today we'll probably start contacting a few of them and finding out what they have to offer (unfortunately, their websites are pretty barren..). I'm freaking out a bit because we won't be able to visit anywhere before making a final decision. While I speak the local language, mostly what I know I about home stuff so researching schools is difficult for me. DH needs to do it but he's also busy with a ton of work stuff at the moment so it's been hard!

Another thing I'm worried about is how we're going to get her tested when it comes to that point (and in what language!). Right now English is by far her best language but that might change significantly depending on what school we send her to, ahh!

newmom,

It sounds like you will be moving to a new country ... am I right with that assumption? Exciting! I really hope you can find a school that would be a good fit for your DD. Crossing my fingers for you!

I wouldn't worry about the testing right now. I would let her get comfortable with her new school and then see which is her strongest language. Which sounds exactly like what you are planning to do. LOL Just trying to say it is the least of your worries for now.

Yep, a new country! I think I'm starting to get over the initial shock and the worry about every little detail. Right now I've been thinking that it might be better to get a nanny until we really settle in. Then we could look for schools for next year instead of being underneath a lot of pressure now when we can't even visit. DH doesn't like the idea, though... so I'm not sure what we're going to do yet. The other options is that possibly MIL could come for a month and watch DD while we get everything settled.

Yeah, I know the testing isn't such a big deal yet, but most of the schools ask about it (that's why I was thinking about it). But, yep, we're just waiting and seeing at the moment.