I am after some advice on how to help my dd4 think about scary situations without feeling completely overwhelmed by the thought of them. This week I tried to introduce the idea of a scale to help her determine just how significant (if at all) a set back or error might be as she has a tendency to become completely overwhelmed by even very small things. As we started to (gently) talk about what would be something truly terrible dd got suddenly very agitated and started sobbing uncontrollably and asked if we could please, please stop talking about it. It started a conversation about a couple of other topics she asks not to talk about, such as stranger danger or what to do if she gets lost. Her reaction to these conversations has never been to get upset, rather she has just seemed bored by them and stops listening. She said talking about anything like that really scared her, even though she knows they're unlikely to happen. I've explained that knowing how to deal with a situation would make it less scary if it ever did happen because she'd know what to do.

We're quite matter of fact in our approach to talking to dd about these issues, we haven't spoken about any dramatic scenarios or anything like that - really just if x happens, a good strategy is to do y and a conversation about just how small the likelihood is of anything happening any way.

We can get by without a scale to deal with her extreme reactions to set backs by investigating the reality of the situation in other ways, but I do feel I need to be able to talk at least a little about what to do if she's approached by a stranger and/or if she gets lost. She's not big on talking about how she's feeling/anything personal at the best of times (and perhaps that's a separate issue? Though I think they are related) and I've tried talking about these things while we play, in the car etc but it doesn't make a difference. We usually eventually get to the source of an issue by me going through a series of guesses and testing them out on her until I get it right - or like in this case, through a similar reaction to a different issue that sets off a light bulb for me. I suspect this is in part due to her not having the vocabulary for how she's feeling. We talk about feelings a lot, but I think some of what she feels is so immense that 'normal' descriptions don't really cut it.

I'm across overexcitabilities etc, but I'm just not quite sure how to tackle this particular one!

Any chance that "bored and not listening" may have been "overwhelmed and shut down"?

Honestly, I just chose not to have those discussions with my DD when she was too young to be willing to discuss them. You need a certain amount of brain development to be able to realize that a friendly-looking person is a stranger, or that Mom not knowing where you are is means you're lost. And at 4, my DD did not understand either of those. (I'm not sure she entirely gets them at 7, but she's much more willing to discuss hypotheticals without being upset.)

We talk about that stuff just fine now (at 4), but I remember DD being pretty disturbed by it a while back. DD has sort of the opposite reaction, though, which is that when she worries about something she wants to talk about it, even more than I think is advisable.

Things that might help:

When talking about bad or scary things, I often use the phrase "the bad thing is." When she starts feeling scared, DD will stop me and ask for "the good thing." So, for example, if we were talking about strangers, I might say, "The bad thing is that sometimes people aren't friendly even if they look friendly and might do mean things." Then, the good thing is that if I am with her, I will keep her safe. Or the good thing could be that most people are friendly. Or the good thing could be that when the police find those people, they put them in jail to stop them from hurting anyone. Etc., etc.

DD loves books about jobs. We've read a few about firefighters and police officers. I think that the perspective of someone whose job it is to help people is a less scary way to talk about situations in which people need help. A book about firefighters triggered a lot of discussion about what we would do if we were in a fire, and how we could avoid getting in a fire, etc. A book about police officers DD read recently included the officer finding a child who was lost and helping him get home; it was totally not scary because the story starts with him being found. But we were still able to use it to talk about what DD would do if she were ever lost.

Funny you should mention firefighters since tonight we went to a restaurant that was clearly having some difficulties with their detectors in the kitchen. DD has super sensitive ears. She jumped and starting shaking when the alarms went off; refusing to take her hands off her ears even when the alarm stopped. And of course when I convince her the alarms have stopped and she did take her hands down the damn things started up again. DH was quick to move us outside which calmed her down but we are in triple digit temps right now so it was not the most pleasant evening. :P While outside on the patio we saw a firetruck pull in which sparked DD's curiosity. It also reminded me how this kid does not forget a thing. Back in September of last year when she had a short stay in the social preschool; they invited the fire department over for a show and tell. DD remembered all of what the firefighters taught them and was sharing it with us tonight.

And I also agree with no5no5 about comprehension. My DD was barely 3 when we had the conversation about being safe. It wasn't a conversation I had planned on having but DD was really testing her boundaries one day in a store and out and out refused to stay with me. When I discussed the dangers of such actions she got it immediately and asked a ton of questions. She also doesn't wander off anymore and if she does go around the corner she is quick to come back. I really worried that my blow up about being safe could have tarnished her childhood and made her scared of strangers, but it hasn't. She is still friendly but cautious and really (for me) that is an important thing for her to have. But during the initial conversation about the dangers DD was very emotional yet she asked a ton of questions and then phrase the information in her own words to show me she got it.

On the stranger danger issue, we kept it very simple at that age. 1) Never go with anyone unless mom or dad know that you are going --even if it is someone you know. 2) If you look up and mom or dad isn't with you, go back to the last place that you saw us and we will too. 2) If you still can't find mom/dad, ask another mom for help but don't leave with that mom, stay put. (the look for another mom suggestion came from "Protecting the Gift") Kids gifted or not don't always completely get who is a stranger, i.e. I always talks to the cashier at our local market and that cashier knows my kids' names but I still would consider that person a stranger -- a 4 year old might not. As they have increased in age, we have expanded the conversation based on situations that have come up in every day life.

Knute, we almost exactly the kind of language as you - which is a relief to know I'm not completely off track with that!

Alexsmum, You've hit the nail on your head with bored and disinterested = overwhelmed and shut down. I just didn't realize it until we had the conversation about it the other day. She definitely comprehends though.

no5no5, I love the idea of being specific about the good things and I'll give the books about jobs a go if I can pursuade her (she gets a bit obsessed about series of books and it can be difficult to break in with something else - will have to ensure I have something on hand to fill the gap when the current phase is done!). Katelyn'sMom, needing to stop her wandering away was the catalyst for our initial conversation about this topic a few months ago and it has worked for us too. I just wish she'd ask questions! Goodness knows she does for very other topic under the sun

Thanks again.

Sorry, when I said "understood," I didn't mean "comprehended" - I meant "could act on that comprehension." If you asked her specific questions, she could give correct answers, but when she was in the situation, she didn't recognize it as a situation to which those answers applied.

Particularly with "lost" - apparently "I'm under a clothing rack at Walmart where no one can see me, and I'm scared that I don't know where my mom is" did not count as lost - because she knew exactly where she was! She was never a habitual runner, so we hadn't done a lot of "this is what counts as lost" talking, so maybe the lack was on my end, not hers.

I definitely see your point Alexsmum, and I can imagine dd having exactly the same response as your daughter did. Will have to factor that in. Thinking about it like that, I can imagine my dd worrying about doing the 'right' thing too on top of the anxiety about thinking about 'lost' or 'stranger' whilst not really having a context for it. Ah, they are complicated little things aren't they!

Our former community in Northern Ohio has fabulous "Safetytown" programs for children as young as 3. DS1 took a 2 week (30 hour) class a few days after his 3rd birthday, then again at 4 and a different one at 5. They are taught by a partnership between the police, teachers and high school volunteers.

Every day, they introduced new safety themes and taught the children the dangers in simple, easy concepts that were not scary. They covered swimming, poison, fire, animals, street crossing, bike safety, bus safety, stranger danger, etc. One day, they took the children to a smokehouse, had them lay on a cot, started up the "smoke," and showed them how to drop to the floor, touch the door (which was warm!), crawl to the window, and get pulled out by a firefighter in full uniform (including the scary mask). As a mom, I am SO relieved that he's had that experience in a nonthreatening way!

The highlight of the week was always the last day. After pounding "stranger danger" into their heads for 2 weeks, they went to the playground across from the fire station. The teachers/counselors walked off the playground one by one, and were replaced with about five "strangers" (other non-uniformed police) looking for a dog, offering candy, etc. (The parents were all watching this from a window in the fire station.) It was astounding to watch pack after pack of children follow these strangers out of the playground! Parents were always gasping because they were *so sure* their children understood stranger danger, esp after 2 weeks of class.

I asked a CHP liutenant if we have anything like this in our area, but it sounds like there isn't. I am planning a trip to Ohio around the schedule next year so my now-2 year old can do this.

It's so scary, and so hard for us to teach them on our own!!

The Safetytown programs sounds great. It seemed like our DS never wanted to talk about this stuff with us. But he did like to watch the Safe Side Super Chick stranger safety video. You can probably pick up the DVD at the library. http://www.thesafeside.com/ I found it when DS was 3 or 4 and thought he was invincible. They had a nice little part where they showed a little kid who was a black belt in karate, but then a grown-up could still pick him up and carry him off because grown-ups are bigger. It helped when my DS kept telling me he could outrun anyone...

I liked the approach that teaches them to pay attention to their own body signals. Somehow, my LO found that less scary.

Thanks all for your tips. What a great program gratefulmom, will have to see if we have something similar here. St Paulis Girl, hadn't considered the library for something like that - will check it out (goodness knows we're there every second day!).

Geomamma, what a great way of talking about it, I love it! I've been forming an idea of how I will approach it and that ties in perfectly (and could be used in lots of situations where words sometimes aren't great at conveying meaning - especially when you're little).

Thanks again

First off, I know the topic needs to be discussed, but it just breaks my heart that it does.

I like GeoMamma's approach. I also think it's important to frame it in the context of "most people are good, a very very few people might be bad".

Also, an attempt at promoting peace of mind: I think as adults we need to be reminded sometimes just what sort of chances we're talking about. In 2007, out of 74 million children in the US, 518 were abducted by a stranger. That's one in 143,000. You're ten times more likely to be struck by lightning or drown in your own bathtub than to be kidnapped by someone you don't know.