Doesn anyone have a small list of written rules on the frig or elsewhere for their kids? We wrote some this week. 5 to be exact; and it seems to be helping some. I say "that's rule #2." just curious what yours may be
Ours are:
1. Respect Mommy and Daddy. Obey.
2. No whining.
3. Have fun (he helped - and then I added); but be serious sometimes too.
4. No hitting (new learned behavior -ugg).
5. No screaming.
I am sure I need to change the "no" ones to a positive rule; so I am up for suggestions. thanks
Hi, Mom0405,
For a long time, we kept three lists on the fridge (they have been displaced by the boys' artwork, but I may move some more of that to the walls so I can put the lists back up again).
My lists were kind of hokey, but the kids liked them, and so did I. They were called "Gratitude is the Attitude!" (everybody, grownups included, had to write down something for which they were grateful every day), "I did something Nice for someone today!" (each of us had to write down one thing we had done each day which we thought had been specially kind or helpful), and "I love my family!" (we each wrote something we particularly appreciated about at least one other member of the family on that day).
This kind of stuff seems to work better for us at our house than saying "no" (which is certainly my default setting--hence the lists! I was trying to pull up my own socks, as much as theirs.) There's been more bickering around here lately than usual (lots of stress, with two sick grandparents), so I think I'll put my lists up again, and see if it helps!
peace
minnie
I had a heart to heart with my DS5 and we listed his rights (what we as parents must provide such as food, shelter, etc.), responsibilities (obey parents, don't hit, be respectful), and his privileges (long, long, list).
When he realized that he "only has to do 3 things to get 20+ privileges" it helped. Now when he falls short on his responsibilities, he loses a privilege from the list for a period of time. It is on scratch paper on his bulletin board.
I have a friend who took this concept a step further for a teenager by adding legal language "Whereas..." and making into a contract that the parent and child signed. Her list of privileges is hilarious including such things as brand name shampoo and text messaging service on the cell phone.
That's a wonderful idea! DS already knows the rules after 3 days; so it has had some effect. But I really do not want to be negative. The whole world outside is. I have been grasping for anything. Thanks.
We have "Team ____ Rules " The ___ is our last name. Whenever anyone breaks a rule, anyone else can make a loud siren noise and call "TEAM ___ VIOLATION!" and enforce a penalty. The penalties mostly result in an immediate correction (for shoes in the middle of the floor, door left open etc) or an apology (using a rude tone or saying something inappropriate). Occasionally someone gets sent to the "penalty box" for 2 minutes. Penalty box violations include being told the same thing more than once, bad table manners, repeated misconduct or anything I deem too annoying!
I find it hysterical when my 6 year old puts my DH in the penalty box for being told the same thing 2x!
We have a list of three words
kind
respectful
obedient
Reminders to my kiddos DD9 and DS10--The last to remind them who's in charge
(though you'd hardly know it some days!)
We have "Team ____ Rules " The ___ is our last name. Whenever anyone breaks a rule, anyone else can make a loud siren noise and call "TEAM ___ VIOLATION!" and enforce a penalty. The penalties mostly result in an immediate correction (for shoes in the middle of the floor, door left open etc) or an apology (using a rude tone or saying something inappropriate). Occasionally someone gets sent to the "penalty box" for 2 minutes. Penalty box violations include being told the same thing more than once, bad table manners, repeated misconduct or anything I deem too annoying!
I find it hysterical when my 6 year old puts my DH in the penalty box for being told the same thing 2x!
This is great! I may steal this.
There are nights when I joke (okay, only HALF-joke!) "If a mom talks in the forest, does she make a sound? Because NO ONE seems to be able to hear me, and I'm pretty sure there are words coming out of my mouth!" When not even my DH seems to listen to me, I get really frustrated.
Hmmmm...
Thanks, CAMom!
1. Respect Mommy and Daddy. Obey.
2. No whining.
3. Have fun (he helped - and then I added); but be serious sometimes too.
4. No hitting (new learned behavior -ugg).
5. No screaming.
If you like, you could make some of these positive just by rewording. E.g. replace 5. by "When indoors, use an indoor voice" - we designated anything too loud, which would include screaming, as an outdoor voice. It did sometimes happen that we went out because DS wanted to use his outdoor voice, but that's fine. (Of course, buildings like shops and restaurants are indoors :-) Some people do "use gentle hands" for "no hitting" but I somehow felt that was twee, or something. Whining - I don't have a positive way to phrase it, but what really helped us to deal with it was simply to declare a policy that a whiny voice couldn't be understood (sometimes literally true of course!), so I'd just say (in neutral tones) "Sorry, I didn't understand that" if he whined something.
I think you're right to be concerned about putting things positively, actually - it seemed to me that reminding DS to do the right thing (positive) works much better than criticising something he is doing (negative).
One thing I say for whining is Please ask that with a smile. It seems imposible to whine while smiling, makes it a request and now the kids know to also throw in a please, etc.
A positive way to say the no hitting rule: Keep your hands to yourself.
Because the population in our house is ever changing we have house rules posted in the family room. We have 10. No stealing, no lying etc... Whenever a new child comes in, we discuss them and make sure that they are all understood.
My teenager seems to be testing everyone's limit at home these days. I've tried the simple rule: Respect yourself, Respect everyone at home, Respect the house.
I've now resorted to posting these Parent's Bill of Rights on our fridge and it has gotten better results:
We, as parents, have a right to be treated with respect.
We have the right to say no and not feel guilty.
We have the right to know where our kids are, who their friends are, and who they are with at any time.
We have the right to demonstrate we care by occasionally verifying or spot checking our children's whereabouts. We may, for example, call host parents on parties or overnight stays.
We have the right to set a curfew and enforce it with restrictions and loss of privileges.
We have the right not to condone any alcohol or drug usage and to say no to attendance at activities where alcohol or drug usage may occur.
We have the right to make mistakes and/or change our minds.
We have the right to ask questions and expect answers about all things which may affect our children.
We have the right to monitor all school related activities: academic, behavioral, and social.
We have the right to know and consult with adults who influence our children's lives, i.e., coaches, employers, teachers, youth group leaders, ministers, and counselors.
We have the right to know what is happening within our own home, to set "house rules," and know the identity of guests who come into our home.
We have the right to assign our children chores and other family responsibilities appropriate to their ages.
We have a right to promote time together as a family, which may include meals, outings, study time, and other planned activities.
We have a right to be authoritative when logical explanation and reason have not succeeded.
We have a right to have family rules and consistently enforce them with appropriate consequences.
Being positive is very, very important to us; but he needs directness as well. I guess if we discuss the changes as we write them it will be very helpful though! I can then ask him which wording he prefers, and then all of the rules are made by him!:) Thank you! I tried the "I can't hear you" tactic with the whining previously to no avail.:(
Sometimes (well, a lot) I get mind freezes and cannot think outside my box. I keep telling my DH that I need a few days in the office every once in a while to get my adult brain back.:) If only I could find a good sitter.
Thank you Shari! I wish teachers would do that at school as well. Then everyone starts on even ground.
I'll have to copy this for when DS4 gets older.
The screaming is usually an emotionally frustrated scream (shrill). We do say "quiet" or "inside voice" when he gets excited about things and is in a restaurant, etc.
I keep telling my DH that I need a few days in the office every once in a while to get my adult brain back.:) If only I could find a good sitter.
I'm not surprised! One of the reasons I'm convinced that my working is good for our family is that there's no way I'd manage to be a properly reflective parent without this time to myself every day. (Although of course I do admire people, and I know they exist, who do manage to do a good job of SAHMing.) Getting a good sitter will be easier as he gets older, won't it? At least I got more relaxed about who we used as he got further away from babyhood and I was confident he could negotiate/explain as necessary. Are you planning to homeschool, or will there be school coming up soon too?
I love these! All of them. What great ideas!
DS has an interivew tomorrow at a local private school. So, we'll see. He has been doing great with our initial rules(unchanged). He even calls himself on them. I ask what number? and he tells me, then starts his self control. I hope and prayer that he withholds his sillies tomorrow. ho hum.:)