I wanted to get a survey of gifted parenting styles. My parenting style with my 2 children is to provide them with as many extracurricular activities that interest them. Even if it means driving all over town, having a packed schedule, eating in the car, changing uniforms in the car, etc. I am guilty of not giving my kids enough unstructured downtime. Partly this stems from my own upbringing where I didn't have the opportunity to be involved in many activities, because we were struggling financially. And partly because I am a competitive person by nature, so I want to see my kids be good or at least exposed to many different things.
Speaking with other parents, I see a vast difference in parenting styles. Some parents are much worse than I am. Kids are involved in multiple activities per day, where they are so over scheduled, I have a hard time believing a child can do so many activities. Then I have friends that are so relaxed with their kids. The kids are always outside riding bikes, completely care free. The reason I bring up this topic is because my kids usually just go along with the flow. But recently my son has been complaining about being stressed out and having too full of a schedule. I feel bad now for cramming in all these "fun" activities. All he wants to do is just go home now. Has anyone's kids ever experience this kind of burn out? I'm going through my schedule and cutting out all the extraneous activities and just having some downtime together as a family. At least for the rest of the summer.....

Some might say my kids are over scheduled, while others might say I am too relaxed. My older two are now at the point where they set their own activities. more or less (18 and 20, entering freshman and senior year respectively). Middle kid, the 18 year old, played two varsity sports, played one as a travel sport (year-round for past six years), served on the board of a local non-profit, worked part-time and took five APs this past year. She also had time to watch Netflix.

Youngest, age 11, is my problem. She quits activities as soon as they become too hard, require practice or interfere with anything (even once) that she thinks is fun (watching YouTube, going to a friend's house). She will agree to an activity, can be excited about it, then wants to quit. The older two might have complained once in a while, but nothing like the youngest. More importantly, they did not quit - they at least gave an activity a fair try before moving on.

If you asked my older two now, I think they would say they had a decent balance of activities. They see the youngest as a quitter. Not sure how old your kids are, but my little one, as a rising 7th grader, needs to start focusing on some activities. Our approach has always been to try a lot of things in elementary, start figuring out the favorite activities in middle school, and be more focused in HS.

I wouldn't cram his schedule so full that he has no downtime, but I also would not allow the do nothing option. The kids need to develop some interests so they do stuff as they get older - you don't want the HS/college aged kid just being "relaxed" all of the time. Just my opinion...

In the summer, we use that period to have a lot of downtime and while I might occasionally plan an outing, for the most part I let the kids have the lead and try to plan things themselves.

In the school year, there are several activities and sometimes we do feel very busy. No one wants to quit anything yet, but we do keep at least some downtime. I have always thought that 1-2 activities at a time was enough and when we had 3, it seemed like just a little too much.

I also know kids who have 5 different activities a week. It seems like too much for my family, but it seems to work for others, so to each their own...

(1) Kids are different. What is good for one may be terrible for another. A schedule that an extrovert craves might demolish an introvert. A kid who comes up with tons of intellectual and artistic projects on her own, and wants to lead friends or cooperate with friends in pretend play and other games at her house may thrive, in every way, getting to do just this. I suppose it's possible that some kids aren't as naturally creative and would need a nudge from more structured activities (although I wonder if maybe some of these kids have just never had the chance). And certainly there are activities that require large numbers of kids to interact at once (e.g., big sports activities) that can't just be arranged on the fly, at least not in many areas of the country in this day, so there has to be a structured setting for these. And at different times in her life, a kid may need different things.

(2) What I did with my kids, who were the kind to come up with their own activities, was not allow them to spend huge amounts of time in activities that I thought were more "consumptive" or addictive - e.g., television, mindless internet surfing. Truthfully, when it comes to computers I'm not sure I drew the right line; I may have been too strict (typing stories on the computer was easy for me to categorize, but what about Minecraft?). But after occasional bouts of boredom, they always came up with fun things to do. If we had lived closer to friends and could have had the same kinds of last-minute-scheduled play sessions I had as a kid, I think it would have been even better.

(3) Here's an article you may find interesting:

https://aeon.co/essays/children-today-are-suffering-a-severe-deficit-of-play

This.

I think I'm in the middle of the road on this issue. Kids whom have no activities these days seem to be lonely and mostly on the computer IMO. If they were outside riding bikes & playing with other kids I wouldn't care. But in my neighborhood it's hard to find kids like that. Plus my kids never got enough exercise unless I pushed. Yet they do need downtime. Personality and issues like how much time they spent on homework affect it. Until H.S. when they scheduled their own activities I had both kids participating in one physical activity (dance, martial arts, swimming) & one other say a music lesson, theater or art class.

When my DD21 was in 3rd grade I accidentally overscheduled her for a few months. Vowed never to do that again. My DS17 requested that he not do many activities in junior high. But as a senior in H.S. is a busy teen. I think it pays to listen to your kids, choose a few activities the kids enjoy, and make priority to yourself that your don't need to spend all your time running the kids around.

My older son is involved in one year round sport (and participates in that sport for high school), two clubs (they meet during lunch at school with only occasional after school meetings), and volunteer work.

Younger son is in middle school. He has music lesson, Boy Scouts, and off and on participates in the same year round sport as older brother. He used to love it but doesn't now. Trying to find him a physical activity that he enjoys.

Eta younger son loves drama and would love to participate in theater stuff. Just haven't been able to get that for him.

This is a bit "to each his own," but one thing that I've found is that even the same child may have needs that change. That is, when DD (an extravert, by nature) was younger she was always asking to try every activity in sight. As she has matured and started receiving more homework, she seems to need more downtime. I have cut way back on her activities since she was small (and she has already tried so many). Also, she doesn't play the way she did when she was very young, but if I realized that if I do not provide her with downtime, she has no time to utilize her huge imagination (drawing, writing). She is now much happier having what looks like "downtime" (yet she is quite busy with her own imaginative agenda and seems absolutely recharged when she has this time).

DS, on the other hand, is more of an introvert. He has never wanted to try as many activities as DD. He'd much rather focus on a few and try to get better at them.

So, from my observation, it is partially what you and your child prefer, but keep in mind that your child's needs change as they grow. HTH!

At the moment ds9 does 2 sports and ds7 does music and one sport. That would be too much for me if I didn't trade transport duties so I only had to take them to the sport they share. Ds9 really needs to do stuff though.

Activities really are the main source of "learning" for DD so I hate to cut down but they are time-consuming and expensive.

Music comes very naturally to DD so she gets a lot of compliments and praise every time she performs, and I try not to let the positive feedback get to us one way or another but it's hard. When she started refusing to go to piano lessons, I have to admit, I started having thoughts like "But you are five and almost ready to play Chopin. How can you even think of giving that all up?" but I had to put my ego aside and determine why she suddenly was refusing to go to lessons when she still loves music. I thought she was feeling over-scheduled or things were getting "too hard" but it turns out she needed a different approach.

She is an over-scheduled child during school days. She is already exhausted by the end of school day but she has lessons after school three days a week plus Sunday. She also has to practice once she gets home so we make sure she has at least two hours of downtime everyday. Thankfully, her school doesn't give homework until fourth grade so we have several years before we have to worry about that even if we stay.

When my son is at home, he wants to be on the computer. The computer is the default mode for just about anything these days, from socializing and playing to drawing and writing.

If he's in after care at school or going to a wildlife or farm camp during the summer, he's running around outdoors, exploring, doing creative play and having deep, face-to-face conversations with other kids--the kinds of activities that were the default mode for kids two decades ago.

So, I often feel like his "scheduled" time is some of his best unstructured time. Like I am now paying for him to have the "boring" but incredibly important experiences that used to come for free.

When someone told me recently how good their kids have it because they have lots of time at home, I reflected on how lucky my son is that I pay for him to leave it.

During the school year DS8 does scouts, swim, golf and drama. DS5 does swim and wrestling. Not all of these go on at the same time. They both participate in a variety of kids' programs at the zoo and museums.

We can handle about two week nights and one weekend day of activity before everyone gets cranky.

I'm sneaky in that I push for activities that are easy to manage. Golf is near our house and after handing DS off to the coach, DH and I can go eat/have a drink at the great restaurant on site.

I work out in another pool during the swim lessons. The zoo/museum programs are usually on the weekend so I work those into a date with DH.

Wrestling can be a travel every weekend thing. Or not. It is the parents' choice. We travel when we want and the tournaments are fun.

DS5 wants to try gymnastics and DS8 wants to play indoor soccer. We'll see how those fit.

I guess my question here would be, why not? Didn't the kid already "earn" downtime by all the work in school/homework? And especially as they get into high school, it seems this would be even more pressing. Sure, you want your child to find passions. But if it doesn't come from within, if it's just "activities" for the sake of activities, it's really just more obligation, not fun, right? And then doesn't that perpetuate the lack of opportunity to FIND the kid's true interests?

Caveat - I have an 8-year old, not a teenager. So I know nothing. Plus, DS does not like organized activities. He is uncomfortable in large groups with other children. If you add in noise or chaos, it's impossible for him to sustain absent profound interest. So activities I impose (e.g., swim lessons, because that's a safety issue) are really only successful once I find a 1:1 teaching setting.

In addition, since I work at a job outside the home, DS has after-school care. Like MsFriz, I'm very grateful for this because the center is run by an awesome teacher, and there is lots of outside and free play. In the summers, he has an all-day sort of camp with this same teacher. This is great for him because it gives him a platform to have fun while working on social interaction skills with kids. But it is totally exhausting for him.

My thinking is that a kid who works all day in school has already had a ton of "activities" for the day. If there is something they want to do and it fits a family's schedule and budget, I would say go for it. But I wouldn't say a kid who works all day in school and keeps up in homework is doing nothing.

I really don't know the right balance and my hard-headed child won't "enjoy" things if they weren't his idea, anyway. So probably I'm just woofing here. YMMV. No - it will almost certainly vary!

DS8's favorite activity is a Pokemon club. They play the card game. It's like a bridge club for boys. They even do a potluck dinner with it. A very nice couple hosts it in their home once a month.

When I think of who DS8's "people" will be as a young adult in charge of their own leisure time, I see a group far more likely to do a road trip to ComicCon than to a sporting event. A lot of kid's activities are for sportier types.

I think parents probably follow their kids' lead more than they realize. If I was signing DS8 up for lots of sports he'd be miserable. It would be a struggle to get him to participate in an engaged and worthwhile way.

DS5 is a more rambunctious and sporty kid. He's happy wrestling and will go hard and get sweaty. We'll likely sign him up for more sports because he likes them and they make him happy.

This is true for my DS as well. DS17 is busy all summer but a whole month of that "busy" is wilderness camp, with no electronics, no homework. He gets to hang with his friends, in nature and relax.

Problem with their unstructured time being camp with other kids. Is I think kids do need some time to themselves, particularly introverted ones. And think it's healthy for kids to be bored and learn to work through how to solve that themselves.

As for the H.S. kid. If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes I might not have agreed with NotSoGifted. Counselors & school administrators kept lecturing that the kids who are involved in H.S. activities do better emotionally & academically and are less likely to take drugs, drink or get into trouble. We were told it could be any club or extra activity be it Math club, Latin Club, Sports, Marching band, Theater, start your own club. Doesn't need to be many things, can be just one. And it can be something outside of school (it's just outside things tend to dry up) just something other than school academics.

I did push both kids to get involved in something. DD got involved in theater, and DS17 does marching band and is involved in a Robotics club. I'm convinced marching band kept DS from turning into a surly, non-compliant depressed teenager who hated H.S.

Problem is homework takes up a huge amount of time. So it's tricky to balance the extra curricular, schoolwork and finding downtime. But if my son didn't do his extra activities he would probably just fill it with goofing off on the web & watching videos.

"But if it doesn't come from within, if it's just "activities" for the sake of activities, it's really just more obligation, not fun, right? And then doesn't that perpetuate the lack of opportunity to FIND the kid's true interests? Caveat - I have an 8-year old, not a teenager. So I know nothing."

I have a 17-year-old rising senior, as well as a rising 6th grader, and I totally agree. My almost senior used to write a lot when she was young, but during 6th and 7th grade, she had 7 hours of school a day (all wasted time, due to lack of differentiation and teach-to-the-factoid-test curriculum) and a couple of hours of homework a day (also all wasted, for same reason). It wasn't until I took her out of school for 8th grade and did a semi-homeschool thing - only 4.5 hours a day, most of which was socializing with her friends who came over to the new schooling situation with us - that she had time to start writing again (and, sort of incidentally, winning an award that took her to her Carnegie Hall and have had a huge effect on her writing career and her life since then). Many children don't even know what they care about or enjoy by the time they finish high school.

The 17-year-old spends huge amounts of time in theater stuff at her school now, by her own choice. If she preferred to spend more time sitting at home daydreaming and drawing and maybe writing a short play every month, I would think that was no less valuable. The idea that the only activities that valuable are those with large groups of people, at other locations, or organized by adults seems very wrong to me. Now in some cases, a child who is slow to warm up or shy but extroverted or whatever, may need a push to start engaging in an activity that she will soon enjoy a lot. But that doesn't mean that a kid should not have substantial "down time" or that I would keep pushing a kid who is not enjoying an activity (on top of maybe a 8 or 10-hour school day) to be in activities. Certainly I would not force a kid who's enjoying riding bikes with friends to go do an "activity" he doesn't want to do. If you need a name for it, "social skills" are some of the most important skills there are.

Laurie (whose 11-year-old girl spent the whole day playing with an 11-year-old boy friend [not boyfriend] where they just ran the house and the nearby park, and acted out, with embellishment, stories from books they'd read, and who will spend 3.5 hours tomorrow in a astrophotography camp and then come home and spend the rest of the day reading, drawing, bugging her sister about her plans for college, and who knows what else....)

bluemagic, you understand what I'm saying. When I say "relaxed", I mean watching Netflix and playing video games. Theater, writing, astrophotography camp. swim lessons, etc. are activities. Perhaps not all are highly structured activities, but they all have value - and they involve something other than sitting on the couch and eating junk food.

We haven't forced our kids to continue activities they don't like. Middle kid hated soccer, so when she was young and still playing rec sports, she played fall ball instead (need to do some sort of physical activity). When they were young, they tried a bunch of different things, and they continued with a few they really enjoyed.

Each of my children is allowed one extra curricular at a time outside of piano lessons.
It's because I am too much of a homebody to want to leave again after I get home from work each day. I think it serves my children well. They prioritize their interests, they know how to be self-entertaining, and we have extra money for family fun.

It works for us. I think if your son is asking for more home time, you should provide it.

I agree with everyone who replied that each child is different, and a child can be different at each stage. For us, parents can always suggest activities, but the kids have the final say.

My DS didn't have much activities before 3rd grade, just piano, chess, and a leisurely sports activity once a week (no traveling team). Starting from 3rd grade, he wanted to get involved in various things, and we always gave him permission. My DD had lots and lots activities going on since K, she loved it. When they want to quit for legit reasons (not enough time, wanting to focus on other activities, totally losing interest, etc) we always let them. They can't quit just because something gets harder.

I did see signs of burnout for DS starting in high school because of the huge academic workload. We let him pick what he wanted to keep, but gave him our recommendations as well. I would say that any sign of burnout should be taken very seriously.

our kids are too young for discussion on burnout, although I have seen burnout in college kids - and in kids who were burned out on their dominant activity in HS such that they wanted nothing to do with that activity in college - with the most common denominator I seen with burnout is when there is no break in the year where they just do not do that activity for a few months at all.

For our kids, we do have them signed up for a few activities, especially after school, but we usually leave a lot of the weekend open, with the only set activity is swimming (and that will remain until they are proficient - then it will be up to them if they want to continue swimming as a formal activity or pick something else to do). However, even if they are not in any organized sports, we are very focused on doing a lot of physical activity, whether it is biking, hiking, swimming, kayaking or outdoor play time. So although we are not very scheduled, we are not really carefree parents either - we try to build in activities we can do all together on weekends that is active. Whether that will hold as they get older, we will see (although when I was a kid, I remember when traveling with my parents, walking was very, very big - with my dad parking over a mile from our destination and we would walk in to whatever sight we were headed to see, and I know I want to continue with those activities as a family to some extent like family hikes/paddles).

My dilemma is the age old question, "who knows what is best for your child? The child themselves or the parent?"
The problem I have is that my kids will complain going to an activity but then have a good time actually doing it. They have fun with the other kids and really learn from the experience. It is kind of like kids complaining of homework, but they still need to do it because in the long term it is good for them. I also think of the book Green Eggs and Ham. They might not want to try something new, but once they do, they enjoy it.

I think it depends on the family, the kid, and your priorities. We like to spend a lot of quiet time at home and aren't huge on rushing all around town every day, or even a few days a week.

My DS8 likes to spend time at home with us and isn't that interested in extracurricular activities, but we usually give him options every fall and spring to sign up for a class/program at our local rec center. This fall, he decided to do the swim class. He's a proficient swimmer, but wants to have all the levels signed off so he can be a lifeguard when he's in high school. We're thinking about a photography class in the spring.

I think I'm fairly in the middle, or I have been. It's hard because my 5yo is an extrovert and both my husband and I are introverts. He works outside the home full time and I work from home and own my own business, so I do have flexibility. We also have a three year old with delays who has required twice weekly therapy appointments. My daughter is about to jump to a hugely scheduled life though - she is starting school this fall and got accepted into company at her dance school, so she'll be going to school daily and then taking 5.5 hours of dance class per week. I'm hoping she may actually start sleeping through the night. She eats it up. She loves to stay busy and active. Me, on the other hand..

Our family is relaxed - son age 9 has Piano classes once a week and started " STEAM" club after school which is the first time he wanted to participate in a school club ( besides cross country in K) - my daughter age 6 did a play-type Gymnastics class but decided on no activities this year ... My kids get out of school at 3.45- we don't get home until after 4.15 - and our school has a decent amount of homework - there is often less than an hour of " free play" time so I am trying not to schedule too many activities ...

My kids love to be home and love to spend time with each other - we like to do " Field trips" almost every weekend: Zoo, Museums, or just a walk through the park - we try to enjoy the time we have with the kids while they are still young and want to have that special family time ...

I personally know a few very busy parents and their kids have exhausting schedules - it is not for us ... If my kids enjoy their hobby MOST of the times I would want them to stick with it ... sometimes Piano practice is not fun but I know that my son enjoys the instrument - however if he would start hating to go I would let him quit ... it is a hobby and hobbies should enrich your life and make it better. Kids should be able to try a lot of things and not every activity will be their " cup of tea" - I always insist that they last through one " session" but why would I pay for an activity they don't enjoy? School is important, spending time with your family is important ... having a hobby ... is optional ... I liked reading as a child - I tried a few sports and they were not for me ... I had friends and despite my ability to stick with badminton or gymnastic - I did not turn out to be a quitter and have a rather strong work ethic ;-)

Same here, my DS10 complains that he doesn't have time play minecraft but is still happy for hockey, swimming, and 2 instruments. Sometimes I feel guilty when I heard his complains. But if you don't keep him busy, he jumps to minecraft immediately.

We keep it very easy and stress-free in our house. DD8 and DD10 used to do one activity per week, but this year they do nothing outside of school.

Here's why:

1. They wanted to have more free time than be rushed around to get to their activity.

2. As great as I think it is for kids to have opportunities, I like to focus our attention on spending time together as a family. Offering our kids activities feels like a gift from a parent, but in reality, most kids just want more time with their parents.

3. I'm bucking current cultural norms that in order to live a fulfilling life, we need to: work a ton and be involved in as many opportunities as possible. Life is so much more than that!

4. Stress is killing our health. And I don't want to teach my kids that living a stressful lifestyle is healthy.

That being said, I realize my kids will get more busy as they hit middle school in the next few years (well, just 1 1/2 years for DD10). So we'll take it one activity at a time, but even then, I will limit what my DD's do in order to prevent burn out and allow them time to be kids.

Both kids are in swimming once a week. For me, it's more or less a life skill.

Each kid can pick one more individual activity.

I try to keep our week nights as free as possible.

I have teen-aged boys and a younger girl. They are vastly different in what they need to thrive. All are a mess when their activity/structure needs are not met or are exceeded.

The boys both seem to need structured low-key days with lots of free time. They do best with school and a music lesson each week. That is one hour a week; it is relevant that from the one hour/week there is daily practice plus hours of additional fun play.

My younger DD, however, thrives when she is busy doing things. She needs people and constant physical activity in order to function. It energizes her. Currently she has 8-9 hours/week of scheduled group activities outside of school and she would like more.

I think this is something the kids should decide. I wouldn't like it if someone told me I had to pick a sport and 2 other activities (or worse yet, someone picked which sport, and which activities). I think during the summer, it's reasonable to expect a kid to get involved in something other than just staring at their device or TV, but during the school year, school and homework is enough to occupy their time if that's all they want to do.

I would not allow my kids to have an activity (or several activities) every day because of the sanity of the family as a whole. I can't take just one kid somewhere, usually I have to drag them both. And I don't necessarily want to spend several hours each day driving from place to place (and shouldn't have to). There is sometimes something going on for Scouts on the weekends but I try to keep weekends open so everyone has some downtime. I cringe at families who are out at games every single weekend and can't make plans with anyone or go anywhere for a weekend getaway because everyone expects the sport to be the top priority--that's just not how I want to live my life.