Dd6 is a single child. She is very caring and nurturing. She does not have too many friends as it takes her a long time to make friends and most children her age are too rough for her. She has always make-believed that she has a sister. Of late, she has started to express rather strongly how much she wishes to have a sister. She put it on her Christmas list as #1. She has cried several times lamenting that she does not have a sister. I am above 40 and had lots of complication with my pregnancy- dd is a preemie. I don't want to go through it again. But she is really starting to bring this up every single day and I am not sure how to handle this. We are not from this country so all our family is far far away- no nearby cousins. We live in a neighborhood with fair amount of children but with the exception of one, they are all older boys. I really don't know how to handle this. It is breaking my heart Hoping for some advice. Thanks in advance.

Skype cousins
Penpal
Sponsor a child around the same age, through a development charity, and correspond with her.

Lots of kids wish they were only children. We don't get rid of the other kids.

Thanks aeh and puffin. I googled and found some interesting ways parents deal with this issue. I have a few ideas that I am going to try and see how dd takes it. Thanks again.

Aw, that's no good - what ideas are you going to try, out of interest? My DD has only mentioned it a couple of times and while I agree that, yes, having someone around who is *just* like her would be awesome, it is not on the table. At all. Shut it down
Hopefully you can reason with her that wishing for impossible things is not a fun way to spend her time. Maybe instead she can make plans for strengthening her friendships and making new friends. Good luck

(~waving to say hello~)

Are there any extracurricular activities your DD could join like ballet or gymnastics?

My DD made a few friends including a few younger girls at her ballet school. I think that's where she gets her "younger sister" fix.

DD10 is an only and no amount of logic or reasoning ever satisfied on this topic.

Us: "If you had brothers or sisters you wouldn't get as much attention. You wouldn't be able to do as much fun stuff. We would have to split resources, time, attention, etc. Every kid with siblings wishes at some point they were an only child" etc, etc, etc.

DD: "So? What's your point?"

No cousins or neighborhood kids close in age either. When she was about 4 DD started to create imaginary friends. Lots and lots of imaginary friends. (She called them her "children") She was always very sociable and outgoing so different from your DD, though. At about age 7 or 8 she began to get annoyed by her friends' younger siblings having tantrums. That helped a bit. Now those younger siblings are older and DD considers them her friends every bit as much as the older ones, much to the chagrin of the older ones DD is careful to include the younger siblings in playdates, birthday parties, etc. Again often to the chagrin of the older kids. Oddly enough she now tends to gravitate towards other only children when making new friends. We usually don't find out they are only children until later so I'm not sure how that dynamic works. She has several friends she is so close to that they refer to each other as "sisters" or "cousins" which is nice.

So I guess my advice is to let her spend time around other kids as much as she is comfortable. She WILL find her way on this one. A close friend or 2 with similar personality or interests will probably help.

Oh and when she was 5 we got a new dog and told DD he was "her new little brother." Surprisingly it helped. Anytime he got into mischief or damaged something of hers we said "Well you said you wanted a little brother. That's what they do."

Avocado, one of the ideas I had was what Pemberely tried in her kid. And just like her dd, my dd totally rejected that reasoning. Here is a snippet from our bedtime conversation yesterday.
Me: if you had a sister, you won't get enought of our time and attention.
Dd: oh good, then I can focus on my tasks without fear of interruption from you guys.
(Side note: dd's tasks are usually things we don't approve of, such as, building spider webs with strings throughout her room- a hobby she has had since she was 2 I think, or drawing up and executing plans to escape from the house- she has drilled holes in walls with her scissors, broken a piece of the backyard fence etc. obviously we notice it immediately and she gets scolded so I can see how she would appreciate less attention)
Me: you won't get any new toys and would be sharing what you have.
Dd: fine, I have too many toys anyway and no one to play with. I will happily give all my toys to the baby.
Me: babies are too much work and they cry all the time.
Dd: except for diaper change, I will help you with all the work. If you keep the baby happy, she won't cry at all. I will keep her happy.
And on and on a ms on for 1/2 hour. The only thing that gave her a pause was
Me: if you get into a top tier college, we might not be able to send you there as we can't afford to send two kids to top tier college.
Dd admitted she would not like that and we will have to think about this problem. Anyway, I would say this strategy did not work for us.

Pemberely, dd has asked for a dog now for many years. She has done a lot of research on dogs and has picked out the breed she wants and even has a name for her dog. I am not an animal person and not comfortable with bringing home a pet at all. but if she continues to feel miserable, I might have to relent and get her a dog.

Mana, a big hello back to you. Even though I have been inactive on the site, I have been checking in often and always happy to read your posts about your amazing dd. Looks like she is at a fantastic school now and things are good- very happy about that. Dd is not much into team activities. She is not comfortable in classes where there are kids who distract and don't follow rules. That said, she is very affectionate to little kids and takes really good care of them. She is really craving for someone who stays under the same roof, who can be part of her imaginative pretend adventures, and relate to her. I understood as much in talking to her yesterday and I feel guilty for not being able to give her that.

This is why I don't even engage in conversations about nonexistent siblings - it's pointless having a discussion about something that is never happening (as if it wasn't already years too late anyway; a sibling 8 years younger isn't that fun), especially when these kids are so good at reasoning away every argument. I think trying to talk them out of it just gives them a glimmer of hope that it's still a possibility if only they argue well enough. I reckon it's far more helpful to say "Nope. You never did get any sibs and you never will. End of conversation. Think about something else."
Actually a pet's not a bad idea - but again, if you don't want a dog, shut down that conversation too. Don't waver and waver or else she'll learn that if she nags you enough she'll get her way! I personally do not cave to nagging I listen to all points of view and make my decision, then that's it, my decision is final (Even if that decision is to revisit the idea in a year for x reason)
We have cats, which are far less needy than dogs, but still good company to chase around the backyard and cuddle in bed. I'm sure there's a thread somewhere with good suggestions for interactive pets
Don't feel guilty. It's your life and body for you to decide what to do with - definitely not her decision. Get her focus on friendships, something realistic and achievable, and something *she* has control of, rather than wishing for unicorns

Yeah, DD12 always agitated for a sibling as well. When she was younger I'd just tell her that it wasn't going to happen. However, one time recently, she was whining and I just told her bluntly "if you wanted siblings, you should have slept more as a baby."

Which is true by the way. We had planned on a second, but after getting her to finally sleep through the night (when, and I kid you not, she was like five years old) we knew we were done. DD is the best ever, but she took a decade off our lives as a baby and toddler.

I get the feeling that -- even though of course most people really do love their siblings, etc. -- your daughter might just be projecting her feelings onto the idea of a sibling. I'd gently remind her that having a sibling does not mean an automatic best friend -- even if s/he was the same age, they just might not get along or relate to each other, etc. They can still be very different and not get along. Maybe she just knows that, Well, my siblings would have to like me, Mom and Dad would make them, so I wouldn't have to worry about making friends. But instead I would remind her that friends are just as good -- and way more practical -- of a solution. She can, somewhere out there, find somebody just like her that's needing a friend, too. It's not as automatic as a sibling, but it'll happen.

Welcome back, Lovemydd! Lovely to have you back around these parts again.

It sounds like your DD is craving peer companionship. You might want to look into some of Miraca Gross' writings on "sure shelters", as she offers some insightful commentary into the unique social needs of gifted children.

As a thought, don't feel you need to limit potential friends to children. Many older people find themselves longing for friendship, and an intelligent adult friend could well be what your DD is looking for. I find volunteer work with the elderly or those in medical care a great way to meet new friends and spread some love. Is that the kind of thing your DD would like? Cause-driven people are inspiring; what is she passionate about?

Exactly.

I agree with aquinas. Your DD is asking for a sibling but I do wonder what she is truly saying is that she is lonely.

My DD wanted to have all-day playdates with a friend of hers last year (and they did, which was exhausting for all of us involved) and looking back, I do wonder if she felt out of place at school.

Is her current school working out for her socially?

THIS. Kids don't need a particular family configuration to be happy. (I got really clear on this when I decided to become a single mother. I have never treated it as potential source of trauma. "No, we don't have a dad in our family. We also don't have a brother. Or a dog.")

My DD's best friend is part of a large family, and it's a bit hard on DD, who is quite the extravert. The best friend adores DD, but is just less desperate for play-dates all the time, because she's always part of a group.

On the other hand, DD feels sorry for the best friend not having lots of intense one-on-one time with her mom.

BWA-hahahahaha!

My ds10 is an only and goes through this periodically. Yes, part of it is loneliness. However, part of it, I think is entirely normal to want (or think you want) something you don't have. Most families have more than one child in the US and many other countries around the world. Part of it is cultural, I believe. Many books, television programs, or other media forms revolve around siblings or sibling rivalry - and annoyingly so. If you're an only, you can feel left out of this cultural 'norm.' You can get the feeling that you'll never get to experience that sibling rivalry or sibling love per se. You're often led to believe that the perfect family is 2.4. Also, many products and other things in life are designed with two parents and two children in mind. So there are subtle constant reminders around of how an only is not the 'norm,' even though we, as adults, know there is no 'perfect' family or norm. It can be easy for only children to point to the supposed positives of having siblings and seeing only the negatives with being an only and not seeing the full picture.

I don't think parents of 2+ more children really understand the life for only children or their parents, imho. I just don't think they understand how decisions or choices are often out of our hands and not under our control with having children. Many people can be insensitive with it, I've found. Some only g/t children can be overly sensitive as a result because their relationship with their parents can be so close and intense. Also, many people will make comments about being them being an only child and sometimes it can be unsettling as well as being completely insensitive.

I, too, had my ds10 at a later age. Ds was born with some severe physical issues which totally consumed by time and energy. Needless to say, a #2 child never came and so we have an only. I do not regret for second with what's happened or having an only child. It's not what I originally planned or intended but I'm at peace with myself now. My ds is a 2e/pg and life has been rather challenging at times. I just can't fathom doing any of it again if a #2 ever came or we adopted.

On the bright side of life, the literature for an only g/t often speaks volumes though. An only child often receives more time, energy, and attention from their parents. And, oftentimes, the mother, in particular, isn't completely stressed out or sapped with an only child. That's something to bear in mind too.

And by the way, I'm the middle of three. Many times, I would have got rid of my older sister and younger brother in a heartbeat!

ITA - and it's not limited to children who are the only children in their families. My own children have gone through phases of wanting what they don't have. My youngest (of three) wished more than anything to be an only child when she was younger - part of it was having a friend who was an only child, part of it was just n normal "grass is greener" thinking. My middle child would have been very happy to have a different sister - they don't have much in common and her younger sister can be quite annoying at times


I'm sorry you've been faced with insensitivity, cdfox. I would add though, that the insensitivity is most likely due to personality of the people who are insensitive, rather than simply because they are parenting more than one child.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks avocado. I agree with what you said and have decided not to try to discuss this hypothetical issue with dd.
Ivy, lol. How did your dd react to that statement?
Fruity dragon, you are right on about why dd is craving for a sibling. She lives a lot inside her head and is therefore not very successful in attracting friends. Hopefully, she will find others like her.

Aquinas, thanks so much for the sure shelter writings. I just read one and it almost made me cry. Dd is definitely at a level where friendship is a mutually respectful and meaningful relationship. She is surprised at how callous other kids can be but she always brushes it off with her favorite word "whatever". But deep down I think she is longing for true friends.
Mana, the change to a new school hasn't helped her socially. In fact, that was our only concern that we brought up at the p/t conference. Her teacher promised to help so we will see.

Megmeg, I agree with you. Dh and I knew we wanted only one child and we waited till we were both financially secure before having a child. So we don't regret it one bit. I just really want dd to grow up happy and never feel like something is missing.

Cdfox, I can relate to what you said about cultural norms. A single child family is rare in my culture and I was constantly nagged about having another. They always said is as a joke or just a simple question but it annoyed me to no end. I started replying that once you hit the jackpot, you don't play lottery again. I wonder is dd is responding to subtle clues in her environment about what an ideal family looks like.

Polarbear, i agree that kids wanting a different sibling configuration is normal. Dd has been asking for a sibling for 2 years now and I did not pay much attention because of what you and others here mentioned. I only started worrying recently because of her daily pleas for a sibling followed by meltdowns. i am not sure if that is normal. Today at the thanksgiving table, she insisted on setting a place for her doll. We had a lot of company so squeezing in an extra place at the table was not easy but we did it to avoid meltdowns. Hopefully, she will come out of this phase.

My singleton has never really outgrown her wish that she'd had a sibling. I never have, either. (Sorry.)

It wasn't what we'd have planned, either, but it's how it worked out.

I'm also an only-- and I will add, here, that there are some very legitimate down sides to being one as an adult with aging parents. DD knows this, and has mentioned it, watching us manage things with/for our own aging/dying parents.

DD is just plain lonely. As an introvert, she deals with this better than many children would, I expect. I did, too-- but as a singleton who is an outlier, you do suffer for not having others who can understand you.

DD didn't have a lot of social peers until she entered college, for example. Even now, she is definitely at a different stage socially than most of her peers are. It is aggravating-- her arc isn't the same as theirs. It's not that she "isn't there yet" so much as that she went through whatever-it-is when she was more like 10-14, and now it's done and she's a bit impatient with it all, if that makes sense.

She's also not into "casual" relationships-- friendships or otherwise. The investment seems to her to be wasted unless the person has the basic capacity to be someone that she would choose to keep in her life long term. Obviously, basic compatibility isn't entirely based on cognitive ability, but it's a part of it for her, and that means that about 95% of the people she encounters are not in that category. If not, she keeps them out of her inner circle-- though she often leaves them none the wiser that they aren't "close" with her, if that makes any sense.

I guess I'm just saying that yes, on the one hand, this isn't your child's decision to make... but on the other, I would be gentle about this.

It is painful to be an outlier all over again, and if she doesn't KNOW any other singletons well, it can feel that way. I'm the only singleton in my extended family, for example. I was also treated to any number of myths about my only-child status both during childhood and also as an adult, later on. That OF COURSE I'd have struggled to live in a dorm setting, since I didn't know how to live with a sibling... that I must be self-centered, etc. etc. None of those things is truly related to having siblings or not. It might be related to parenting or one's childhood experiences, I suppose. But to having a sibling, no.

I did swear that I'd never have an only child, knowing how lonely I was.

It's funny, we know a ton of only-child families. Maybe it's a coastal academic thing? So my DD thinks being an only child is quite normal.

Lovemydd, she was pretty nonplussed. Then my DH chimed in with a couple of "horror" stories from his childhood as the middle of three. That was when she was almost 11.

In the past year though she got some initial experience with babysitting and decided that she doesn't like children and certainly wouldn't want another one around. So I guess that issue has solved itself.

HK - exactly hit the head on the nail! With these outliers, it can be quite tough emotionally as it is. But when you start veering so far from the norm in other ways (ie. diet, lifestyle, etc.), it can seem to magnify the differences and make one feel like they stick out like a sore thumb even more.

PolarBear - I have to say that most of those insensitive comments have decreased substantially within the last 2-3 yrs so and as my hair has become grayer and look older. Still, I could have done without some of them when I was younger and trying to have a #2 and some of that sting seems to take ages to get over, if you ever do.

Lovemydd, maybe you could talk with her about how China has -- or, had, rather -- their one-child policy. I think that, obviously, there's both good and bad things about, but that sort of captures the whole only-child thing pretty well. For example, you could talk about how some people want a second after the policy is over, but many say they just don't. Furthermore, I think maybe it could help put it into perspective -- after all, if all of China can do it, it must be survivable. It's not the end of the world. (It cause some economic problems for them, I guess, but you get my point.)

HK, your post made me sad, both for your dd and mine. Like your dd, mine does not fit the negative stereotype of an only child. She is compassionate, totally understands the needs of others even when they are not stated, and is always there for others. She will help little kids at the playground if they are struggling with something, will comfort a child who is hurt and play with a kid who has no one to play with. So she cannot understand why the same kids she stood by don't want to play with her the next day. She did mention one girl in her class she wants to be friends with so I arranged a play date they both enjoyed. I am going to make an effort to arrange more play dates with more of her classmates to help dd make friends. Like aquinas suggested, we will find some community projects she can be part of to feel like she belongs to a larger entity than just her family. I have never dismissed dd's feelings and I agree with you HK on respecting her wishes even if the decision is mine. Thank you for your post, even though it was not what I wanted to hear.

Portia, your son sounds very mature. He seems secure and happy as a singleton. How do you/he meet his social needs? Any ideas that have worked for your family?
Ivy, 😊 I was thinking that when she is old enough, dd might like to babysit. It will be fun to see how she reacts to little children then. I suspect she will like it. I love children and when we have company, I spend more time with the kids than the adults and I love it.
Fruitydragon, I will have to look into it. I am myself not very well versed with China's one child policy and its implications. You have piqued my curiosity so I will be researching this topic this weekend.
I have a feeling logic is not going to win us this situation. Like HK mentions, I need to acknowledge her desires and explore the root cause and see how we can work on addressing those in creative ways that do not include addition of a sibling to the family.

Lovemydd, I am not sure how old your DD is, but one of the ten parts of the Girl Scout Law is "Be a sister to every Girl Scout," and I have found that elementary school girls take that seriously when it is presented to them as important. Maybe joining a scout troop would be a good way to connect with other girls?

What an excellent idea, ElizabethN. Thanks so much.DD is 6 and Girl Scouts would be good at so many levels. Thanks again.

Oh, yes, she's at a perfect age to start. Good luck with finding a troop. Feel free to PM me if you can't find one and you want tips about starting one.

Community service can also be a good outlet for "family you find" in those who have this as a missing thing in their lives. Loneliness isn't something that goes away in adulthood, after all-- so we've tried to cultivate this as a way to forge connections with others.

It's a good and healthy place to put that asynchronous care and compassion in the long years while they wait for agemates and peers to catch up, too.

DD is very good with children-- particularly with children who are on the spectrum, have other developmental/communication challenges, or have medical issues. She does respite babysitting, and has since she was 13 or 14.

Interestingly, when she started doing community leadership in her service activities, she was often "mentoring" or "leading" teens who were technically older than she was. She has no trouble leading those who are older than her, and her assertiveness and force of will is more than enough to thwart challenges on that basis.

ElizabethN, I have contacted the local council and hope to connect with the local troop soon.
HK, I did not know the term 'respite babysitting' so I looked it up. It is such a gift to have the maturity and compassion to help others in need. Your dd is a wonderful human being!