Now, that I'm being thrust into unknown territory, I'm a very concerned on my parenting abilities. I'm so afraid that I wont be the parent my kids need to grow into happy, mentally healthy, mature, adults.

As horrible as this might sound, but 1 month ago I thought DS6 was just a nonconformist, argumentative, strong willed kid. Now I'm terrified of him being labeled gifted. I always knew he was smart, but I just looked at it as, it's normal for him.

How did all of you adjust to the knowledge, that your kids were special???

Well, I'd stick with what worked before: he's smart, and that's normal for him. Why does a word--the word gifted--change everything for you? He's the same kid he was before, isn't he?

What scares you so about the GT label? I mean, are you scared about your parenting skills, or are you scared of the label and all that signifies in the world-at-large? Those are two very different issues...

You hit the nail on the head. I wondered what we were doing wrong that our son was so difficult. And both sets of grandparents didn't understand giftedness and thought he was just a brat. And there were times I was very embarrassed out in public. Well, he is 27 and soon to be a professor. He's a kind young man. He was also strong-willed, argumentative, and a noncomformist. He wore us out from the time he was 2. His mouth chattered incessantly, demanding interaction from rising to sleeping, demanding stimulation, being mentally hyperactive, being oversensitive, acting phobic at times, worrying, all the traits we read about. Oh, did I forget temper tantrums?

Heck, ya! I question my parenting abilities. But then I think that anyone who is questioning their parenting abilities and trying to do the best they can is probably doing ok.

oh, yes. When we had ds6 tested last year and I had to accept that he's HG+ -- I knew a lot of panic! I took 2 months off of board posting and researched *everything* I could about HG+ kids.

It *did* wear off. The best piece of advice I got was that my ds is the same child he was before testing. No more, no less. That reminder kept me sane--it helped remind me that I'd parented him so far, and I had the ability to parent him in the future.

I also think it helps to think of him as "different.". Not "special," just "different.". Being HG+ doesn't make him "special"; it just means he has special educational needs--and it will take effort to meet those needs.

Keep reading here and anywhere else that you see your ds; it will help you adjust. Good luck!

We knew our kid would be different going in.... of course we didn't think gifted. That was one of the outside possiblities, we were thinking the other end of special ed. dylexicia, dysgraphia... something like that.

So when he came out HG, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, "yes he's gifted but, he has......" That was actually hard to accept, he didn't have some learning disablity, he's just smart. (He is hyperactive, but, so am I, and so is DH.) We knew very early on he was gifted, I think that makes it easier. It's wasn't a sudden revelation.

But still I sometimes worry about him growing up happy and well adjusted. But we can only do what we can do.

Do you have other family members that are like him? Is there someone you are always saying he is like? Think about that person as an adult......

Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible for my 10 yr old twice exceptional child grow into a happy, mentally healthy adult when my own anxiety level and sadness is so high that I sometimes snap at him over trivial things. He even told me that my anxiety causes him to have anxiety, just as my own mother's anxiety and illness have an effect on my anxiety. I guess we just pass this down through the generations and I feel powerless at the moment to do anything about it.

It is a daily struggle to stay positive and I am still trying to develop that sense of humor that my son and husband are able to use as a defense.

I thought my son's early years were really fun with the reading at 2 and all the funny things he said. I thought parenting a gifted child would be a piece of cake. What I had a hard time adjusting to was the fact that being very smart was somehow a problem in our public school, but as the superintendent of our public school told me "it is a good problem to have."

I love the fact that my son, as a homeschooler, has been able to keep his love of learning alive and that he is able to learn what he is interested in without worrying about what other people think. He feels good about what he knows. He feels good about his ability to discuss lots of subjects that his age mates have not yet learned, but he feels even better about his ability to see humor in things that most people, especially me, are too busy to see. When something unexpected happens, instead of getting annoyed or upset, he usually sees it as an opportunity to make a joke. His Dad is the same way. If I could learn to do what what my son does without even trying, I think I would be a better parent.

Often.

I have no idea how i'm meant to work out what i should be doing with him or if i should be doing anything at all. People said 'school will know what he needs' but i now realise they don't. They make me question myself even more... they make me question if he is gifted, maybe i made him advanced, maybe i've pushed him? i know i haven't but...

*sigh*

Get over it :-) Wish it were so easy. but I look at all the time I wasted for awhile thinking I had to do so much different be this enrichment queen, build out every thought they had into a discussion... Clearly he's doing well, you done something right... if you found out he had asthma you would do somethings differently trade some activities around on cold days, pack appropriately, see the right people to get the info you need.. but you wouldn't obsess about it.

There are many times I wish I never knew. then I think about the current state of they not grade advanced, not pushing for more gt services, not making opportunties for challenge. The balance I guess is to own the information - not the labble - and not let 'it' own you. If you figure out exactly how to do that - let me know!

Thank you for all the input and sharing your thoughts. I'm very thankful I found this board. If I ever have problematic situation arise, I will definitely post for opinions. I think after reading the posts here on this thread, I don't feel so alone. I think we can all learn from each other and that's a great source of combined knowledge

After reading and reading and more reading, one thing I will never do again, is tell my kids a act their age, no matter how mad I am at them. I am so guilty of that.

Kriston, to answer your question, it's a little bit of both.
I really dislike the thought of my children being labeled. The reason for that is, once you label someone then it becomes a stereotype. I don't like anyone to stereotyping my kids. Maybe I need to readjust my way of thinking.

I think maybe.

"Gifted" is just a word. It means that your child thinks differently than ND kids. But the specifics of how your child thinks and who your child is are still unique to your child. All GT kids are different. Generally GT kids are more similar to one another than they are to non-GT kids, but not always.

Labels like GT exist because they help us get what we need for our kids. They can work in your child's favor, so don't fight it if it helps you!

I have said before, you can call my kid GT, bright, academically advanced, or kjhksldfgj if it gets him taught! I don't care! Just give him what he needs! If schools everywhere taught all kids where they were, then labels wouldn't be necessary. But that's not the way the world is. So use whatever you need to get your child the education he deserves.

I think it helps if one thinks of Gifted as simple - 'having special educational needs that are not likely to be met in the regular classroom.'

Sure, many of our little ones have special needs at home, and in the community as well, but that seems to me to be more 'individual temperment' or 'personality' issues, but once they pass through the threshold of school, they NEED a lable, because schools are systems set up to deal with groups of students, and if the school isn't able to recognise a difference, and herd it into a group and give it a solution, they most kids will have real needs that aren't being met.

My hat is off to those wonderful children who can self-differentiate, who set themselves challenges and go after them. My goal is to turn my DS12 into one of those, but he just isn't, so far. I've seen kids who are self-motivated to do amazing things, but....why should only 5% of highly gifted kids grow up challenged and learning how to learn? Seems too harsh to me, particularly in view of the number of demands that ARE being made on kids in a school environment that don't contribute to these children's growth At All.

((stepping of soap box))

Grinity

At the risk of sounding cynical I have to interject that we all are subjected to labels throughout our lives. Others give us labels and we give ourselves labels. I agree with Kriston - the "name" doesn't really matter. It's what you do that matters, not what you call it.

I have found that the more I verbalize the word "gifted" the less foreign it sounds. And the more comfortable I get with that word the more comfortable I am with advocacy and figuring out what to do. I see the same thing happen with those I work with who are coming to terms with new diagnoses of disabilities. Until a new stroke patient comes to terms with the re-definition of themselves as "a stroke survivor" and all the residual effects of the stroke they struggle with denial and adjustment issues. They don't advocate for themselves, they fight the reality of their situation and struggle with emotional responses. You can draw the same parallel for any disability or label.

It is what is. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck, then it must be a duck. Once you realize it's a duck you can make that duck happy, because you finally stop treating him like he's a chicken!

And yes, to get back to the initial question, I have questioned my parenting abilities with each and every kid! Each child is a unique being with his/her unique needs. We have seven kids between us (DH and I) and questions always come up about what to do, how to handle this situation or that one. Just last night we had an intense discussion about MrWiggly and what to do for school. We had to remember that there are other children to consider also. Our decisions for him impact the whole family. Parenting is not a task to be undertaken lightly! But you just do the best you can with what you've got. And always strive to be better. That's all anyone can ask of themselves.

Go Debbie!
I remember that I used to cry and cry when reading the 'baby-version' of the Ugly Duckling story I had as a little kid. There sure seemed to be part of me that knew is wasn't a chicken and yearned for duck food and duck friends.

Of course I also cried at the HCA version of 'The littlest Mermaid' I wanted to have fly in the air with those girls who didn't care about being pretty or falling in love. They jsut wanted to be nice to every body. But I guess that's another story.

Grins

Unfortunately labels drive us toward thinking of our children as some kind of freaks. Everything in this world exists on a continuum. Our children happen to be at one end of the intelligence continuum.

I was speaking with a school director here whose school produced a film of The True Story of Kaluaiko`olau. Kaluaiko`olau is a historical figure. He contracted Hanson's disease (leprosy) and resisted territorial government efforts to force him to go to Kalaupapa. One of the things the students learned is NOT to refer to people as lepers. They are not the disease. As it was told to me, "You don't call someone cancer."

The same can be said of GT kids. They are NOT their intelligence or IQ, but rather people with high intellectual abilitlies.

That being said, yeah I am sometimes uncertain about my parenting abilities. It was easier when they were small and they spent their days in the home and it was just us. As they grow and have to go out into the world things get more complicated.

Uh, well...wow. I disagree. Strongly.

I have never and will never think of my kids as "freaks," and no word could ever lead me to that end.

Words are just words. The word "gifted" is neither a positive nor a negative term. It's a neutral, descriptive word. It's like calling a child "blonde" or "speedy" or "short-waisted." It doesn't contain any kind of judgement. People and context bring that to the term. It can just as easily mean "brilliant and charming" as it can "freak."

I'm not sure why that's where you go with the word, but it's not at all where I go with it! You do not speak for me in that "us" you're using!

I feel like a freak on alternate Thursdays...and I'm starting to like the feeling!

Personally, I feel fine with the label "gifted". I feel comfortable referring to "the gifted." I don't think there is a negative connotation there like there is with "leper" or "freak".

It's difficult to talk about a group of people (such as the gifted) without having some kind of label for what we mean.

I think this topic has come up before--is there a better label? I have also seen terms like "highly intellectually able" or "high ability" being used. Are those preferable?

I think it's the anti-intellectual backlash, so any term will be seen as negative.

I really think we have to get past that if we want to have any power to advocate at a higher level then one-on-one at schools for our own kids. But if we reject all labels, then we are saying that our kids aren't a group, that they aren't more alike than different, and that weakens our ability to get systemic changes made.

Is my kid just exactly like every other kid discussed on this forum? No. But could the system be changed in ways that would improve the educational system for all our kids, whatever you call them, and whatever their differences? Heck, yes! And without a label, those systemic changes will never happen.

I'll say it again: labels are tools. They either get kids what they need or they keep kids from getting what they need. But simply refusing to use the tools doesn't change the system or help the kids. You can't win if you don't play by the rules. Labels are the rules. Use them to your advantage.

I agree completely, Kriston . Maybe I'm okay with the label of gifted because I attended "special" gifted classes as a kid, where all of the advanced kids where tracked together in the public school. From 7th grade on, I did not attend a single class in school that was not solely for the gifted kids. So all of the kids that I hung out with and were friends with were gifted. Gifted to me was a normal part of growing up.

However, my son came home from 1st grade asking what a freak was. I know that gifted kids are called names. But I explained it to my son this way: It is really no different than calling a person with glasses four-eyes. It says more about the name caller than it does about the intended target. Once my son understood this, he has completely ignored the labels, and for the most part, it has stopped completely.

So I agree that labels are useful tools in order to get the school to provide appropriate educational services. I am reminded of the movement in the 1970's (I think it was the 70's?) where moms of the intellectually challenged kids banded together to call attention to the needs of their children, thus starting the special education movement. It really was just a statement that any child outside of the bell curve needs a curriculum that is tailored to their needs. Our gifted kids may seem to be worlds away from the kids on the opposite side of the bell curve. And yet their needs are quite similar.

It is just curious to me that no one cried favoritism when "special education" was invented for kids on the lower side of the IQ scale. And yet this is exactly the same word that was used to do away with tracking of gifted kids in the public school system. <heavy sigh>

It is a very complicated world when you have to add egos, both bruised and inflated, as well as the jealousy that follows, into the mix.