LO is 4 now and hasn't been tested yet. But her emotions have always been super intense... so much so that her mood swings exhaust me when I'm with her all day. When she was a baby (younger than 3 months), she wouldn't go near a man who wasn't her father without flipping out. This continued until she was two. I got a lot of judgmental stares from people in stores and such when people would try to smile at her or talk to her.

Luckily that ended, but now she sometimes flips out screaming and crying. I mean maybe that's just a regular four year old thing to do, but she went into a rage over blueberries on her waffles this morning. She asked for them, then changed her mind. My husband told her not to yell at him and said he'd throw them away if she wouldn't eat them, and she came upstairs raging and crying. I explained why she needed to eat them and she went back downstairs and apologized and hugged her dad, then flipped a switch back to her sweet self. It's totally exhausting for me trying to manage her big emotions (and my own lol). My husband insinuated her outburst was somehow my fault... crappy parenting. But it's not. Constant time-outs or something won't help her manage her emotions and expectations.

I know kids throw tantrums, but she never really had the terrible twos. She was just intense. And she's happy a lot of the day... but when she flips it's awful.

She's also doing this thing now where she won't listen at all when we tell her not to touch things. Like using my make-up or raiding the pantry or whatever. I'm not spanking her, and while I do time-out on occasion, it's really only when she loses it and it's making me lose it. She used to listen much better, strangely. Like from ages 2-4, I could rationalize with her and she'd mostly listen and not get into anything I didn't want her to.

Maybe this is just a normal parenting question, but still, you guys probably have intense children and intense emotions yourselves, so how do you help them learn to manage their emotions and keep the house peaceful?

(And get them not to raid the pantry and make cupcakes out of cornmeal and cocoa powder? It's hard sometimes for me to care when she does this sort of thing. She might make a mess, but often it doesn't hurt anything and she seems to want to experiment with mixing things together. I just want her to listen when I tell her to stay away from stuff that could be toxic. I don't trust her anymore.)

You are not alone, as this is a frequent topic. Fortunately resources are frequently mentioned on other threads, for example this recent thread.

Other frequently recommended resources include love and logic, The Manipulative Child, Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students.

It's difficult to point to one strategy or resources as best because children vary. However it is crucial that you are on the same page as parents in raising your child, so the child experiences consistency and does not learn to use a "divide and conquer" strategy to gain control over the adults.

That said, one strategy may include placing a locking doorknob on the master bedroom and/or closet doors to reinforce that you are serious about specific belongings such as make up being off-limits.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks! Yes, I've been searching old threads since I posted mine. I saw some book about transforming the difficult child I might check out. It makes me feel better to hear you guys deal with this, too. It sucks getting judgmental stares. My kid is sweet, loving, and affectionate when she's not ragey and disobeying. I feel like I'm doing an okay job otherwise.

Helping kids develop a vocabulary for their emotions... nuanced, with degrees of intensity... can be helpful in getting them to "use their words" rather than over-emoting.

Does she read? Reading books about similar situations can provide bibliotherapy, helping a child see their situation within the pages of a book they are reading. Kids may find circumstances which parallel their own life and develop the specialized vocabulary to describe a range of feelings. The Berenstain Bears is one example of a series which touches on positive behavior and character development for young children, as they follow the antics of this lovable bear family.

Gifted Kids' Survival Guide for gifted kids under age 10 is one idea... at her age you may wish to pick-and-choose pages or topics to read to her and discuss with her.

The book F is for Feelings or Feelings In A Jar may be a conversation starter for some parents and children.

Hoagies Gifted Education Page has a great reading list.

Some of my best friends are books is a helpful guide.

She sounds a lot like my daughter (who is seven now), although she never was one to get into things really. I agree, extra watching plus locks might drive the point home. DD would, however, toss whatever sensory thing we have her all around, no matter how we discussed not throwing the rice or quinoa or whatever all over the patio but playing with it in the bowl etc. I ultimately just had to be on top of her then. Also, lots of more appropriate stimulation helps-- we baked together a LOT, we crafted a LOT, etc.

But the tantrums! I've heard it from so many parents of gifted, "it's like a switch." DD for sure was like this, lovely twos, then huge tempests of emotions. We finally figured out being alone was what helped her switch it off. Now she can remove herself and go read before blowing up. She got over the fear of men, too, which I'm sure we'll regret when she's older

I know this is a common theme with GT kids, and may well be part of that, but have you looked at food intolerances?

My DD4 has an intolerance to dairy and soy. Although she can be intense a lot, when she has either of those 2 things she is completely awful and unpredictable. It took a lot of trial and error to figure out what is was but so worth it.

Also I keep getting people asking me if dd has hit the awful 4&1/2 stage yet that girls seem to go through. I tend not to put too much stock in ages/stages but it could be that your dd is going through a normal development spike which is compounding the gifted stuff.

DD responds quite well to us being very firm with what we won't tolerate. We don't punish, but I will say something like " I don't deserve to be spoken to like that so I'm not going to listen to you until you have calmed down" or some such phrase that suits the situation. I then carry on with my day and the ball is in her court.

Ours was a serious tantrum guy-- due to ASD. If your DD has trouble with transitions, unusual forms of play, or multiple blowups a day, and the normal parenting methods don't really work with her, I'd seek a professional evaluation to rule-in or rule-out.

So girls do go through a weird stage at 4 & 1/2? Whatever the stage DD is on right now, it's horrible. Teenage attitude coupled with preschooler tantrums.

She was really a perfectly well-behaved child when she was 2. I don't know where that child went. I miss her very, very much.

FWIW, I've seen this with both girls and boys. Our ds and one of our dds were both angels at 2-3 but experienced those "terrible twos" later on. Our "terrible two" dd turned into an angel for most of her elementary school years and then moved back to the "dark side" when puberty hit.. but is emerging once again as an all-around really nice teen. I've seen cousins and friends of our kids and kids of friends all go through the growing up years and the one thing that seemed to be a common thread was - there was no predicting when the difficult stages would hit!

I will second DeeDee's advice above though - if the tantrums/rages/etc seem to be outside the norm and typical parenting techniques don't seem to be effective, I'd look for professional advice re whether or not they are signaling something more. When the impact of having an undiagnosed disability kicked in for our ds in early elementary, he had terrible tantrums and it was not at all obvious it was related to anything other than a delayed episode of the "terrible twos" - until we had other feedback returning to us from school and a professional evaluation that revealed the root cause of the tantrums. Looking back in hindsight, we then realized that a lot of his "terrible two" behaviors that hit around 4 years old were related to the disability (dyspraxia and expressive language challenges in his case).

Hang in there!

polarbear

My dd is another example of a child who sailed through the "terrible twos" and then became unrecognizable at 3.5 years. A friend recommended Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful by Louise Bates Ames. It's a whole series and it served me well when dd was six as well. Your Six-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant. (a perfect description). Adding all the OEs that gifted children may have helps understand the picture even better, but a basic understanding of what stage of development the child is undergoing helps too. The Ames series is old (late 1980's?) and it shows sometimes, but I found it incredibly normalizing and straightforward.

My sweet two year old just entered the terrible twos and my intense four year old has moved, I guess, from the terrible threes into the terrible fours.
She's like a little grown up when happy and engaged. Enter a situation in which she feels she needs to exert claw back control (food, gym class, the wrong colour cup, it's getting more and more unpredictable what will set her off), watch out. There are days when I can hardly leave the house.

After having kids, I stopped caring about those judgmental stares. I reinforce even when I am out and about.

For DS6, The Explosive Child and social stories that relate to our current struggles are lifesavers. I also changed my frame of mind that my child doesn’t know _how_ to behalf.

Good luck.

I don't know if I can wait this out until she snaps out of it.

Not that it's a competition, but I think I can up the ante. My DD4 fired me as her mother today.

I am not ready to laugh it off. That's just mean.

She is probably looking for the limits or boundaries as they apply to herself, as well as trying to learn how things work, and as a byproduct of that is inadvertently testing your emotions.

How did you respond to her? A response in which you up the ante and engage her on an emotional level may reinforce her to initiate power struggles: You may teach her that's how things work.

One possible response to her may be to acknowledge that she is unhappy or displeased with XYZ situation, while helping her to place XYZ situation in perspective in the grand scheme of things (kindly helping her see that XYZ disappointment is not such a big deal). This could be done in the moment or brought up later, in an understanding manner, when things have calmed down.

You may wish to explain disinterestedly and nonchalantly that firing a mom is not how things work.

In attempt to get her working WITH you (no longer acting in opposition to you), you may wish to
1) say wistfully "That's an interesting concept..."
2) ask if she'd like to write a book about it (how things would be different for an imaginary girl after she fired her mom),
3) ask if she'd like to learn more about how things work: firing, human resources and the laws, rules, procedures, and documentation which must be followed.

This could be an opportunity to explain that everyone has rules and/or a boss above them, which dictate the rather narrow parameters within which they must operate.

Following along these lines, this could also be an opportunity to talk to her about self-advocacy and help her learn how things work. You could establish a process for articulating her grievances within the family, a process which she could draw on in her future life situations. For example, you might have a family meeting. She might be allowed three sentences or be allowed to speak while an egg timer runs (channeling her energy into focusing on formulating her best case). Then it is your turn to speak: limited by three sentences, or an egg timer. Etc.

Who knows, she may be a lawyer someday, furthering justice and righting many wrongs.

Wishing you all the best.

Does it help that this is our life as well? My 22 month is looking like he could be gifted as well (I've written on here about his obsession with clocks) and his behavior, previously seemed like the easiest baby ever has switched. I'm up to my ears. It's like I need a team just to get simple tasks done, to minimally survive. It's basically newborn mode but it's not that temporary. My oldest is 4 in three weeks.
I feel for you!!!

My daughter is this way right now. It's so frustrating.. I'm going to go through this thread with a fine tooth combed this week.. She was easy as pie at two but now she flies off the handle over silly things. She's incredibly bright, has had excellent communication skills since she was a tiny little thing.. but she just makes zero sense now. :| She's also four - just turned four two weeks ago.