Simple Minds-Don't You Forget About Me

My son (now a second grader) has a huge crush on a girl from last year that has left his school due to her parents having trouble financially. They are in the process of relocating to a different state.

He has known this since last April. Still, he brings her up and says he loves her. Since I have her mother's phone number, I called to see if our kids could be "pen pals". (My son loved this idea.)

Well, it turns out they are not leaving for at least a year, but are not returning to the school. (A charter) They have their children in the local public school.

My initial reaction is to cut ties, but my son LOVES this girl. He says that whenever he was hurt, she would come to see what she could do. He used to tell me that the other kids teased him about how much he LOVED her. (I should say she's a bit on the "delayed" spectrum.) But he didn't care. She is beautiful to him.

What do you do when you have a child who is so empathetic that he can easily have his heart crushed? Do you "nip it in the bud" or do you allow things to continue well past what most parents of average kids would?

I called her mother tonight and suggested a play date as well as pen-pal writing and she seemed okay with that. I asked her to call when it's convenient for them since she has four kids and I have only my son.

Am I nuts?

Why would you cut ties because she is going to the public school? Why can't they be friends. He may get hurt but he may just find someone new.

No reason not to be friends for the next year. Keep up meeting with her outside of school if they enjoy playing together. It might be more difficult and they might see each other less, but that might might it easier for them to part when they do move. My son's best friend moved between 4th & 5th grade, we knew it was going to eventually happen and I switched my son's school before first grade. We still go them together often during that year. We even visited once a year later.

Think of it this way, if a kid came to your school that you knew would only be there for a year you would encourage your child to play with them even though you knew they would eventually leave.

bluemagic, You're right about my encouraging him to play with a child even if we knew they would only be around for a year. But I think because of his LOVE of this girl, it's a bit different. I'm afraid because he's so attached to her, even without seeing her much over the summer, he may hold on to feelings of...I don't know, abandonment seems a bit over the top, but it describes how he felt about his first love from Kindergarten. He still talks about HER, too!
So, I'm really second-guessing the wisdom of continuing the relationship. I could kick myself for suggesting the pen pal thing.

puffin, It's not because she's going to the public school. Perhaps that's actually a GOOD thing. He's become too attached to her as it is.

DS had a girlfriend like this in first grade. She left his Montessori school and moved to another city. We did NOT keep in touch and I regret it now.

It took him over a year to move past it and he still remembers Celia very fondly even today. If he feels that strongly about her, keep in touch. Now's a perfect chance to teach him about the joys of writing letters or email!

My DS had only one friend in K and "C" and he were constantly together. We met after school in parks, at the yoghurt shop, went to the museums etc together. She was equally gifted as him and she was the only other kid to whom he could communicate without modifying his thoughts or dumbing them down. They went to all summer camps together all summer long because she had problems fitting in with new crowds and DS was her buffer against all the noisy crowds and her helper who looked out for her.
We moved out of the school - she stayed back in PS - in this case, she was the one who had issues of missing her best friend, abandonment etc. We set up a playdate in October (a month after school re-opened) and went to the park and then dinner together. They played well together, but in that time, they had also grown apart. And interestingly, where in the past, they played exclusively with each other, in the new setting, they both made new friends of their same gender - my DS was finding other boys who were peers and she was getting more social and interacting with other girls in her school. The relationship wound down eventually when the extracurriculars became too intensive to accommodate playdates.
So, I think that you did the right thing in keeping touch with them - it is good for your son to not feel that the relationship got suddenly cut off. When your son finds new friendships, this one will gradually wind down.

I also think that cutting her off would be the wrong message about how we should deal with love and loss. If you found out someone you loved was terminally ill, would you stop seeing them to try to reduce your own grief? Is it better to not ever have a beloved pet, because you know they will die eventually?

It is much better for your son to experience losing her because of life circumstances, than because of an action you took.

You use the phrase "nip it in the bud," but that implies something you could stop before it has a chance to get started. But (to switch metaphors), that horse has already left the barn.

Keep in touch! My son had a.best buddy, a girl who lived on our street. They were together constantly until she moved out of state. Both of them were a bit heartbroken, but we stayed in contact and they see each other once a year. It is sweet, and they both get to experience a long term relationship that is not just of convenience. They care about each other!

This is how I feel about it too.

Howdy, you are obviously a very thoughtful parent and I think you have your answer already. So for what it's worth, I vote for some contact as well. Letters are good because he can write them anytime he is missing her and then the act of sending it is so essential to feeling heard and connected.

I met a best friend in 2nd grade and to this day we are still in contact, on Facebook. She's still one of the funniest people I know and we "get" eachother to this day, even with our completely different lives. I haven't seen her in person since a chance meeting in high school, but I always sorta carried that relationship with me. First best friends are very special.

I think it would have been fine to just move on.

I think you should continue the contact and let him choose how much he wants to stay in touch, so long as it doesn't become significantly burdensome to you. If the relationship just naturally comes to an end because they grow apart, then at least he knows that you supported him. And maybe they will be lifelong friends (so much technology these days to facilitate staying in contact)

My son had a best friend in preschool, but when we moved schools we didn't make a big effort to sustain that bond. Now I wish that I had tried harder to have them spend time together (although, they have just moved out of state), because DS has been struggling to find that kind of friendship since. I feel that having an "anchor" friend is often important to help our kids build the confidence to create other friendships.

I told my husband about this and he was not happy. He felt that this family has too many issues and prolonging the relationship wouldn't be a good thing.

Well, I went with my gut and asked DS if he wanted to write to her. He did...and he did.

The "letter" will go out this week.

I've been doing some "soul-searching" and realize that I feel that a child needs to have closure of their OWN making. I have a strong feeling about this because of a relationship I had as a child that ended rather abruptly.

Thanks to everyone who said not to ignore the feelings my son has for this girl. In the end, for someone (of any age) to have time to explore a relationship is very important. To have that taken away is cruel, imo.