Hi all,

I am amazed by the many brave parents here, who advocate well for their children and find educational solutions to meet their needs.

I have 2 DC at 2 different schools (this is the norm here, based on their ages), and I am just OVERWHELMED. I had started a dialogue with DYS DD9's school earlier this year, based on the data we finally had on her, and thought things were going well. But when I got a call from another person "in the loop" earlier in the week, I just started to CRUMBLE. I was backpedaling, watering down my concerns, not saying quite what I wanted to say (ugh!) - it was horrible. I get the sense that the person I spoke with this week did not have the same information that the original person I spoke with did and I needed to tap dance all over again. I was always raised not to brag and I found the conversation exhausting.

And I have DS6's (just tested and DYS-level scores) school (a different one) still left to talk to...how do you all do it? Is the school system even going to believe me when I tell them that not one, but BOTH of them have some special educational needs? How do you not loose your resolve?

I guess I'm just venting a bit here, but I am overwhelmed (as in, not sleeping well at night, worried about both of them, etc.).

Thanks for listening!

One quick tip is to have a picture of your child in front of you as you advocate, whether the advocacy is in person or remote.

Whenever I go into important negotiations, I create a vision board with images of my goal, a few mantras, and look at it while ruminating on the approach I'll take. I often draft an outline of the strategy I'll take, rehearse it the night before (or for several days!), and do a visualization the morning of the negotiation of myself acting out the strategy successfully, focusing on how I feel. This helps keep me grounded in negotiations, attuned to my inner state, and focused on concrete actions I can take to support achieving my goal. Usually in the lead-up to the meeting, I'll listen to a few loud heavy metal songs to get psyched up.

I'm totally and completely overwhelmed this week with worrying about school. I have no advice, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

Thank you! Great tips, aquinas! I obviously need to work on my skills - being a bit caught off guard (not a planned call) just made me a mess.

Thank you, Mom2Two. Actually, it is very, very nice to not feel alone in this.

Loy58, in-person advocacy seems overwhelming to me at times - I don't really have the personality for it, my nature is to be a people-pleaser. I've found that the things that help me the most are similar to what aquinas mentioned - I think through my goals before a conversation/meeting, I outline the strategy I plan to use ahead of time, and to be honest - I put as much as I can in writing so I don't have to worry about forgetting to add something or being too scared to mention something when we meet in person. What's in writing might be simply something I keep with me as a reminder of what to cover - *or* - it might be something I give to the person(s) I am talking to. I also find that with people (teachers especially) as busy as they are in general, email works well for many things - so one way to approach advocacy is to outline what you are asking for in an email and then follow-up with a personal contact at drop-off/pick-up etc and mention the email. Note - there are times when email *doesn't* work - for all sorts of reasons. If you don't get a response from the person you sent it to, you might never know for certain that it was delivered or if it was delivered if the person is ignoring you or is just busy. An overly detailed email might put off a teacher depending on their personality, where a too-brief email might not accomplish what you're hoping to accomplish.

I hope that makes sense!

Best wishes,

polarbear

Just saw your note about being caught off-guard. One thing that you can do is to choose a canned response that you can always use when you're caught off guard, to postpone the conversation until later when you've had time to think it through and prepare. For instance, you can always say "Ms. x, I appreciate your question and want to be able to discuss this with you further, but I"m in the middle of something (or on the way to somewhere) - can we meet to discuss this later? etc.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I think you get better and better at tap dancing. Advocating well is art. The good news is that with such bright children, you can raise them to participate in their education as well. One of our most successful strategies was asking our DS to participate in the requests to make adjustments for his educational needs.

Teachers and administrators deal with parents all the time. They are used to setting boundaries and enforcing the standard. Statistically speaking, in a public school system the HG, EG, and PG child is something they probably do not encounter with frequency. Given time and exposure to the child, eventually they are as bewildered and intrigued by the unusual/ precocious abilities as the parents themselves. The key is to have them participate early and frequently with your child's needs. We have found that waiting for teachers to "catch on" misses an important window.

Loy58, hang in there! I too am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. School has started for DD last week. She's starting 1st grade again essentially because she went to first grade after kinder at her old school last year.
On top of that we have decided that we really should start the IEP process for my older DC and I am completely overwhelmed! So I can understand...I am very nervous approaching the principal with more "issues" from us.

Hi. I am feeling a little like this as well. My DD starts kindergarten next week. She has not officially been tested, so I have no official scores or anything to back up what I know. I am very anxious for her to start and to meet her teacher.
I have to fill out a little form before the first day that lists strengths, weaknesses and "anything else you want the teacher to know". I could probably write paragraphs but only have a couple of lines.

You are not alone. I don't advocate. I can't prove my child needs anything because NZ does not test really (standards are national but fairly subjective) and while he is supposedly a year ahead (that is as far as they go) in reading and maths he is behind in writing. They do their maths in mixed ability groups. There is nothing i can realistically advocate for. I picked the school for several reasons but most of them have changed since then. Schools are all much the same here so changing wouldn't help. So i don't advocate.

Last night ds7 said he wanted to be like other kids. He thinks if he wasn't gluten free and didn't have toileting problems and didn't get dehydrated if he doesn't drink enough he would be just like everyone else.

I know this is going to sound weird. But the way I brace myself when I have to go to a meeting is that I know both of my gifted kids test well. On the FCAT tests there are levels 1 to 5. Both of my kids test at 5 (occasional 4s)...3 is proficient and where we live they don't get many 5 scores. So knowing that, I go in with the mindset that they don't want to make me mad because we will take our 5s and go somewhere else...homeschool, private school, charter school, a different public school (we are out of zone right now and can always leave). I have never said it out loud (although I would if I had too). I don't have an attitude. But I am the consumer and they are the provider. My particular customers are prime commodities that they need to provide good customer service to. I meet until I am satisfied and I also move up food chains if I don't like answers (all maintaining politeness). But the knowledge that they don't want to lose my kids, calms me down.

Understandably! Nobody likes to be caught off-guard.

It's all about finding an approach that makes you feel empowered and relaxed (as much as can be expected.) This is what works for me.

You may wish to consider whether The Gifted Kids' Survival Guide may be helpful for your child; Just as parents benefit from knowing they are not alone in the situations faced (such as advocacy), gifted kids need to know they are not alone, too!

Loy58, the reason you feel overwhelmed is because you care. If you didn't then you wouldn't be here. And caring is exhausting because we want to get everything right.....and we can't. We want what is best for our children but we don't want to put people out or upset the system. We don't want to appear pushy, or invite confrontation, so we are wary of asking for what is needed. We don't want to stand out to other parents so we find ourselves feeling alone and lonely. And it's really hard because where ever we are there are very few like us and the ones with similar issues may not be enough like us to become friends.

But here's the thing. You are so definitely not alone as all the people who have responded let you know, we sooooooo get it. We know those fears and sleepless nights. We know the embarrassment and anguish of not knowing what to say and being put on the back foot by seasoned professionals used to denying parents. MON explained all of that so clearly.

So, what to do next. First up......don't be so hard on yourself. You were caught on the hop....happened to me too. I wasn't fast enough to think of Polar Bear's suggestion to put off the discussion. I did follow it up with an email and a meeting. Strangely, that person is one who professes to understand and says she will do things and nothing happens. She obviously has her "putting parents off skills" down to a fine art.

Second.....focus. Small steps. Gather info. Identify objective, doesn't have to be main goal but a step on the way, make a plan.

I always feel better doing something than lying awake worrying or imagining what I should have done. Write down who your child is. What do you know about them. What do you see as their strengths. What do they need to be happy. Start with a little life story of how how you came to realise they were different. Put in things that have worked to help them and things that haven't. It's just for you to be very clear about what it is you are fighting for.

Now identify what things have to change, what things would be good to change, what doesn't have to change. Forms the basis of your plan.

Sit down with a hot cuppa, glass of wine or block of chocolate, on a bad day all three, hug your DC (s) and enjoy. Say we are ok because I care.

You've received great summaries above. I'll just add that the steps are described in more detail in published advocacy materials.

Some parents find it helpful to build a team, possibly including the tester/psychologist/neuropsych, pediatrician, and others familiar with the unique development of a particular child, as compared with typical development at a given age.

Yes it is time. I have been holding out until he realised there was a difference. He is not the most aware child so it took longer than I expected.

Thank you, everyone! I so appreciate your comments and hearing about your experiences! I really feel like you understand EXACTLY where I am coming from - and I am grateful. I really do feel so much better to know that there are others out there going through the same thing or who have been there and understand.

I have been reading about everything advocacy/IAS/gifted education options for weeks...that's why I was surprised I didn't feel like it went well. Also, there is the daily "kid carnival" called summer (children's friends, chaos, etc.) parading through my house on any given day (and this day was no exception), and my thoughts just did not come out right. I did for a split second think of suggesting we speak at another time, but it has literally taken YEARS to even get a dialogue started with the school about DD, and the school staff seems so darn busy. Also, I usually think of myself as thinking pretty quickly on my feet, so to speak. Yes, I followed up after the call with a clarifying e-mail, but I was left with the uneasy feeling that I had no idea what the school staff was planning (some big scary meeting and why we need so many people, I have no idea) and that they thought I had some rigid list of demands (I do not). This isn't over, and for DD's sake, I hope that I did not make anything worse (and that is why THIS. IS. SO. HARD.).

Oh, and I just got back from another teacher meeting about the other child. I think I'm going to get that glass of wine now, ndw.

It's cruel that the circus of life rarely stops to allow us to catch our breath. Feet up and a glass of wine and congratulate self for getting through the day and yet another meeting. I totally get how you feel after sending the email. There is no way of knowing how it will be read and what will happen next. More anxiety. Say stop to the brain and sip that drink.

I dislike it as well. I've been told I need to let my kids be kids and that I push them too hard when the reality is that I don't push them at all. I've been told, "we have many bright kids." I've been told, "well, third grade is harder anyway, so she won't need anything more." I've tried the argument about kids being as different when above 100 as kids who are an equal distance below 100. They always look at me like I'm delusional (in a generally polite way). The only person at the school who didn't was the gifted specialist who actually tested my daughter. My daughter is at a charter school now where she can work at her own pace and it helps because the difference is more dramatic than when all of the kids are doing the same work.

It's a little funny, though. I argued and argued for my daughter; she was deeply unhappy in kindergarten and it had to be done. When she started kindergarten, she was reading books like The Trumpet of the Swan and was clearly academically advanced. I had a hard time getting anything for her except when we switched schools (people seem to get much more helpful at that point). My son used to have serious developmental delays and is less obviously academically advanced. When he started kindergarten, he was reading only simple books and I thought he probably wasn't far from average. Maybe it's because he's at a different school, but people at the school keep telling me how advanced he is. It's a little bizarre because that didn't happen with my daughter and she was much farther ahead. They spontaneously accelerated my son a grade in reading and brought in the gifted specialist to consult even though they don't start identifying kids for the gifted program until third grade.

I'm not sure if it's just that he has different teachers, if they have heard about his sister, or if maybe he's more in line with their experience of gifted kids (or was before he started having behavioral issues because he was bullied and because he has trouble sitting quietly when he is bored). I'm grateful they have offered him these things, though. He will have some options for acceleration whether at the public school or at the charter school, while my daughter when through three schools before finally getting accelerated at the charter school (she did get a grade skip midway through kindergarten, but that was only because we switched schools and they immediately tried to reverse it once she was at the new school).

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I hope it gets easier for you.

I have always found that it's ok for the kids the school has identified as gifted, less so if we as parents bring it up first. I can understand the emotional mechanics of that from the school's perspective. They don't like to be told something they don't already know, they like the satisfaction of being right etc. it is awfully frustrating though and hard if they don't actually get it right.

Systems make me tired even when I can see how they work. It's just so hard to figure out which bit to grease, or which bit to tweak to make it run more smoothly for my child.

Apm221, I read your first paragraph saying yes....yes....yes, I have been told all of that too! Do the schools circulate these arguments among themselves, across international borders?

Just relax...there is always something to worry about. Of course, this is coming from someone who is always worrying about something. Sometimes it is school, but often it is another issue.

I understand your concerns and others have given some great advice. However, remind yourself that if things aren't worked out right now, the kid won't be ruined for life. While it is not so great for the kid to be in a poor academic fit, for most, these kids won't be destroyed by the experience - they typically bounce back once they are in the right place. (Of course, a different topic would be why anyone expects elementary school to be challenging - the majority of kids in our district could easily skip a year or two of elementary with no harm.)

When my youngest was little, she had a medical issue which occupied me for the first few years. She still could benefit from another surgery, but she is now wary of being "put under", and the condition is such that the surgery is not a must. I still worry about how she will feel about her appearance as she gets older (she is 10).

This summer, we had our yearly school schedule conflict for my middle kid, who is going into 11th grade. We resolved it, but as always, she didn't get the level class she really wanted (last year she had to drop a level in a class; this year she skipped a level of another subject).

Then, middle kid realized she would need to switch travel ball teams. She just wasn't getting the playing time, so off to tryouts (which she hadn't done for a few years, since she had been with the team for a few years). Went to a tryout, got an offer, accepted, things looked good. Then a week later, the coach said he couldn't find players for a couple of positions and disbanded the team. Back to tryouts (many of which were now over) and received an offer from another team. So while it is okay now, there were a few stressful weeks.

I guess my point is that there is always something to worry about. Usually it works out in the end, but when you cannot yet see the end, it is difficult. Try to relax and good luck.

Advocating was very hard for me- I kept hoping that the school would observe DS and figure it out on their own. That turned out to be a bit of a disaster-- in all fairness, even I can't "figure it out" with DS and I am his mother, I after school him, and have all of his test scores:)

My best advice is to be straightforward with the school- bring convincing, but not overwhelming documentation (IQ and/or achievement test scores). Ask some straightforward, specific questions about differentiation (how, when, etc.).

DS doesn't go to public school but I (think) that schools who have several methods for differentiation, depending on a student, do it best. Subject acceleration, grade acceleration, pull out gifted, or separate school HG gifted. I know many districts don't deal with gifted very well, but due to a couple of near misses with a job transfer, I have interviewed a couple of different districts. There are some out there that are getting it right.

For my particular DS, he is in a Montessori school that is gradually transitioning to a traditional classroom. It's an ideal learning environment both for his needs and his particular learning style. We had to transfer schools to find it- but I don't think that's too unusual, Even we weren't aware of how advanced he was when he first started school- and some schools "do things like they do things" and aren't willing to adjust. That didn't work for us.

Well worth a journey through the site behind "A Nation Deceived" to check out their literature and research:
http://www.accelerationinstitute.org/

I'm in the middle of reading a new book that came out "The Dumbing Down of America", I think it is. It has a lot of info about gifted programs in schools and I'm hoping someone in our district actually reads it. If I could I would slip it into the staff lounge. Loy58, I'm not sure what happened with your phone call or who was calling but the whole thing is exhausting and I hear your frustration. Combine that with a kid who couldn't care less about going to school and I feel like giving up on it. Giving new teacher a chance though.