Not sure what it is, but it almost seems like he is retreating from his gifts or is bothered by them.

He is very good at chess and got a lot of attention for it last year, especially from coaches and other adults in his life. He began to see that he was unusually good at this thing. He has now retreated from chess. He insists he still wants to play, but seems to be studiously avoiding it, regardless of who asks him to play (that is, doesn't seem to be a case of not wanting to lose). He chose not to attend chess camp after begging to go earlier in the year. This is very surprising coming from someone who used to eat/sleep/breathe chess. It could just be that a phase is over--but...

He recently also became able to read many of the same books as his older sister (10), including Harry Potter. He really enjoyed these books, but when I got him some other books around this level he read them for a while (got 50 pages in or so, so didn't just get bored right off)and then told me they were too hard and boring and retreated to much easier books he was reading long ago. He does not want to even look at serious chapter books right now.

Drawing skills/penmanship have also kinda gone downhill, but that's not as noticeable and may not be anything.

He's about to finish up kindergarten with a teacher he really loved. Could that be it? Fear of getting older? Could we be putting too much pressure on him?

If I try to talk to him about all of this, he bursts into tears and says he doesn't want to talk about it and I'm making him feel bad---agh! So he is very sensitive and angsty about whatever this is. There is something there.

I went through this as a child, and I have one like this too.

I'd say you're handling it well. Ride it out supportively... and see how the transition to summer goes...

I think it could be any or a combination of these, or it could be something else you might not even expect. My advice would be to let him set aside chess for now, and enjoy summer vacation. Once he's more relaxed, he'll probably tell you what the problem is.

My DD9 went through a similar process with literature, then went back to more difficult literature later. We gave her the space to read whatever she wanted. That may have been related to a fear of getting older, because she has DEFINITELY communicated to us loud and clear about not wanting to grow up, and the loss of certain things associated with childhood. To counter that, we emphasize the positive aspects of getting older whenever we get the chance. Yesterday she got to roam a small waterpark with just an age peer, and she loved the autonomy.

She went through a long period of rejecting the guitar, which was weird, because she loves it. It turned out that she was having difficulty reaching the top string, and she decided she just couldn't play. When she finally explained that to me, I showed her how I adjust my grip to reach the same string on my classical guitar (it has a wide neck), she copied it, and away she went. She was avoiding the conversation because she was afraid I'd be upset that I'd wasted all that money on her good guitar, and she couldn't play it.

Yeah, we've let the chess go and just aren't bringing it up-- but it's hard, because like you, Dude, I'm pretty sure he loves it but there is something that's bothering him about it that he isn't able to/doesn't want to communicate. I feel stuck, because part of me thinks it's best to just back off and not say a word about any of this, but part of me really suspects something happened or is happening internally that needs to be processed or dealt with. He is one of those kids who will suddenly come out with a sad, bizarro theory he's been holding onto for a while, and you're like "What? No! Omg." Deep emotional thinker, but he's only 6 so he gets things way wrong sometimes, of course. With the books, he told me he found at least one too hard (it likely was--I didn't vet it) and thought that meant he "shouldn't read big books" and was essentially punishing himself. (He would be a good Catholic. Heavy on guilting himself.) I thought I debunked that, but maybe not.

I think that some kids pursue an interest or passion for a while and when they sense that the intensity is too much, they like to back off and try other things and go back to the passion later on. The child may have been putting too much pressure on themselves rather than the parent pushing their child - in our family, we need to tell our child to slow down because he pushes himself too much.

So, it is not out of the normal for a child who has been spending a lot of time on one activity to feel that the time has come to explore other activities or hobbies.
I would not abandon chess right now. I suggest that you talk to him about other games/sports/activities that he can pursue over the summer and tell him that we will spend lesser time on chess and maybe explore basketball/soccer/astronomy/dancing/swimming/"whatever you like" this summer.

I am new and certainly not in the position to give anyone advice, but...why not play around with multiple ways of getting whatever it is that you think he's missing?

My K kid was reading O-P guided reading level books on her own this year & instead of putting her in a reading group, the teacher suggested she read to me. She hated reading those "big" books out loud, but I thought she needed that level to practice the K reading skills that the other kids were learning (advanced phonics, using context clues, realizing when you don't understand a word or concept, etc.).

At some point another teacher gave her some short, educator-designed nonfiction books to bring home that had unfamiliar words and situations and met the guidelines that I was looking for without having small print. She ate those up.

We talked about the differences and together we figured out that she wasn't enjoying reading books with small print unless it was okay for her just to get the "gist" of it, which she couldn't do reading to me.

It's all good. She's actually found other ways to develop the skills I think she needs but isn't getting in school (reading captions in adult books and then looking at the picture if she doesn't understand that caption is a way she can approach the "picture walk" they do in school).

Because it's not the length of the book that matters but the size of the text, I also look for large print books to give her. (She has and loves a large print Pippi Longstocking, for example.)

I think it helped identifying the problem (print too small) and then giving guidelines that fill my needs: "you need to learn how to approach words you aren't familiar with, so for school I just need you to choose a book with some words and concepts you don't know." Letting her figure out how to meet that has really helped.

Last week she checked a whole bunch of Annie and Snowball books out of the library. She was reading those when she was a young 4. But she likes them, so okay...

My DS, in K, is FICKLE. He also plays chess and has had some success, but we don't place a ton of emphasis on it. DS is people-pleaser and has all of the makings of a future raging perfectionist ( ), so I feel like I need to avoid pressuring him/creating too many expectations for him - he seems to do this on his own. My DS is also very sensitive. He is exploring a good variety of interests right now (sports, chess, reading, math), and finding out what he is good at. His "favorite things" change frequently.

I bet if you do not necessarily have your DS quit chess, but perhaps let him focus a bit less for a while, he might decide to "rediscover" his intense interest again on his own. Best wishes - your DS sounds like a really neat kid!!!

Well, he doesn't have to make a decision about quitting chess right now--that can wait till next year (and of course, need not be permanent, as he could re-join the team). We mainly just decided not to suggest playing, bring it up, offer computer/phone chess, etc. And when we did that, he stopped playing. He still plays a lot of other games. Interestingly, he did watch my DH play chess on his phone the other day and "coached" him (very effectively, I might add) but then as soon as the game was over, he walked away. I would also add that I noticed he was consistently beating a new level in his chess app when he quit playing.

DS IS a perfectionist, in ways that DD isn't (she has the occasional tendency, but DS is a different animal).

He may be going through a period of regression. When DS8 gets overwhelmed with sensory input, or new knowledge, he needs a period to let it absorb. We do a burrito wrap for a couple of days and let him regress to easier tasks, then he is fresh and ready to go!

He may not have the words to tell you adequately what is happening which might be why he doesn't want to discuss it. DS8 told his teacher "I need a break!" when he had just arrived at school (this was when he was six). She didn't understand but as soon as she told me, I got it because that is how he learns. He learns like he grows; he stores up knowledge (getting chubby) and then he absorbs it (growing tall).

I just wanted to bring this post back up because of something I recently discovered that makes my advice here very bad.


When my 6 year old daughter abruptly stopped reading O-P Level books a few months ago, we had a discussion and she said the print was too small. I decided maybe I had been unintentionally pushing and stopped encouraging her to read those books.

A couple of days ago we got her new glasses. Wow. She spent the whole weekend reading pretty much everything in the house. THAT was the issue. She couldn't see. Anyway, she's now requesting novels again.

What I learned is that when sometimes a child stops doing something, there IS something wrong. And I will never again assume it's just because she's reading books a kindergartner really shouldn't be reading and that I should just let her have fun where she's at.

If it is print size or book size a lot of people find a kindle or other dedicated e-reader helps. It really sounds like end of year syndrome though. A relaxed summer will probably sort it.

If that was intended for me, glasses did the trick.

Sometimes I'm so afraid of pushing that I don't realize when something is actually wrong.

Just noticed this got bumped up. He got over this particular issue. But there is some other odd stuff going on with him. Still avoiding chess, and seems to be having difficulty concentrating, which is unusual. Also unusually emotional. He has some mysterious medical stuff going on (a lab test came back extraordinarily high and the doctors are trying to figure out why) that is as yet undiagnosed.

This must be very scary for your entire family. I hope it's nothing serious and that it's something that can be quickly treated.

I hope things get better soon.

Your son is acting in uncharacteristic ways and displaying the following behaviors: Regressing, bursting into tears, and having difficulty concentrating.

Your post here, ultramarina, made me immediately think of one very uncomfortable possibility.

These behaviors are all typical of children who have been sexually abused.

What really alarms me is that you wrote:

�He is very good at chess and got a lot of attention for it last year, especially from coaches and other adults in his life. He began to see that he was unusually good at this thing. He has now retreated from chess.�

And:

�He chose not to attend chess camp after begging to go earlier in the year. This is very surprising coming from someone who used to eat/sleep/breathe chess.�

I am very concerned for your son. I am finishing my final year of doctoral studies in clinical psychology, and I have thousands of clinical hours working with children in various settings. Your son is showing classic signs, particularly in tandem with his sudden desire to avoid chess.

I hesitated to post this, because this is such an uncomfortable possibility. However, I felt I would be remiss to not say this to you.

I would be on alert for one of the adults connected to chess, who you reported in your original post had previously shown your son a lot of attention. Most importantly, I would urge you to take your son to a competent child psychologist to sort out the issue, whether it is indeed sexual abuse or not, and if so, who perpetrated it.

I think it is so important to follow-up on the reason for the tears. For me, tears come when I want to say something that I have noticed, but I know that someone will get hurt feelings or maybe somehow get in trouble if I say something, but I need to express what I am noticing and it is an internal conflict and the outward symptom is tears. To me it is a form of an expression of the anxiety we feel. There is a pressure to being so in tune with everything that is happening and with everyone around you. So, the tears might be an example of what experts may call our over-excitabilities, but it is a way we are showing that something is wrong. It is interesting to see how adults react to gifted over-excitabilities. That is one area that I fear that people surrounding gifted people don't understand. Maybe it makes an adult angry and they want the child to stop crying. Maybe it makes the adult panic if the tears come in public and they feel embarrassed. It could make the adult feel insecure that they cannot make the child happy. Some adults trivialize it and say the child is being silly. I would examine before (the crying) and after (the crying) to try to analyze the situation. I would listen very closely to what the child thinks was upsetting. I would try to see if listening intently to the child made the child feel better. I think it can be overwhelming for a highly intelligent child to be so smart. Being with loving parents allows them to just be a kid. When a really intelligent child is with 'average' kids they almost take on an adult role especially if the supervising adult is not managing the environment for the child. Your child probably picks up on every problem of every other child in the room they are in or on the playground. That can be very stressful. Stress can produce tears.

jdw, I take your concerns seriously. This is an issue we have always discussed with our children, but I think it is worth carefully broaching with DS.

I am concerned about DS generally. There does seem to be something going on with him. We continue to notice lack of concentration and perhaps a seeming loss of skills. However, I don't know if it is emotional or physical. We will be trying a course of one medication to see if it brings down the number that was way too high. We will then retest. It is also always possible that the test was spoiled. If not, he will be seeing an immunologist, GI specialist, and I am not even sure who else.

Ultra, sending all good wishes as you sort it out.

Ultra, that sounds scary and frustrating. I hope you are able to get it sorted out. Sending your ds lots of good wishes!

polarbear

ultramarina - sending good wishes to your DS and to you.

Ditto!

I will send you a PM too.

This must all be very worrying. I tend to second jdw's suggestion of a good child psychologist, if you possibly can. There are many possibilities for a psychological component, and sometimes parents aren't best placed to help alone. And if, by any horrible chance, your DS has been abused by someone connected to chess, he won't be the only one, and finding out rather than just having him give up chess would be a public service.

I didn't notice this post first time around. My concerns are with the physical symptoms: apparent decline of certain skills such as handwriting/drawing and seeming inattention, etc. I really don't want to freak you out with internet diagnoses even though I have personal familiarity with several possibilities, including an extremely rare cause. Keep in mind that the most likely reason should be relatively minor. Suffice it to say that the first medical opinion I would seek in your case would be with a pediatric neurologist. I hope all goes well with your DS.

I spoke with DS about chess club and asked him a lot of questions about whether anything had happened there, etc. He was very clear with me that nothing had gone on.

The most parsimonious explanation for his test results might cause poor sleep and irritability, which could lead to loss of concentration. We should know more in a couple of weeks. If the #s do not resolve, this may be a long process.

I am happy to say that the poor handwriting issue seems to have been temporary, or at least sporadic. He recently wrote some beautiful stories for me. I will say that we do notice, though, that some days seem better than others. It's hard not to overinterpret once you become concerned about your child. Every ordinary lapse becomes troubling.

DS had an unusual medical history as a baby, which does not help my sanity. It is possibly he has some kind of genetic variation or metabolic issue.

Thanks for the support. We are trying just not to think about it too much. We have been down this road before with him. There are things about him that ding doctors' bells, but nothing definitive has ever been found.

Sounds very difficult. Glad you have been able to clear the abuse possibility off the table, though. Best wishes.

What a relief that you could eliminate the possibility of abuse. Your family has been in my thoughts often this week, ultramarina, and I'm relieved for you. I hope you're able to get to the bottom of the issue soon.

I hope that the doctors are able to figure this out so that you can help your son - he sounds quite delightful, and you sound really worried!

Thinking of you!

I wanted to update this post and say that whatever was going on with DS and chess has gone away--the fire is lit again and he is absolutely enthralled with the game once more. He is no longer worries about reading hard books (that was a temporary strange problem, although I do try to be careful with book selection now...it's hard!) He loves his new gifted pull-out. Mysterious.

He still need to complete some further medical testing and pursue one further consult to rule out some things, but he seems in good physical health as well after the course of the medication he took and I am less concerned about him.

Maybe, you can attribute all the troubles to a particularly difficult growth spurt? I have seen a lot of these things happen during growth spurts in younger kids. Thank you for updating, I have wondered about your DS. Good to know that the problems resolved with time.

Growth spurt is an interesting theory. No idea! He really seemed like something not-great was going on with him, but right now he is making a lot of progress on various fronts. I wonder if he was going through more of a learning plateau (as I guess these kids sometimes do) and was aware of it?? And now he's shot forward again?

A learning plateau would be my guess. DS8 absorbs huge chunks of information and every now and again, has to regress a bit to integrate it.