Hi. I a mom to DD6.5 who is HG and DD 3 who I suspect is HG+.
About 6 weeks ago DD3 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. She honestly has been amazing and has taken it all in stride. The rest of our family however is falling apart. DD6 is very sensitive. She was very moody and anxious around start of school this year and last year but mellows out after that. Discipline has always been hard or at least since she became more difficult a few years ago. Most of the time she behaves well but when she doesn't, it is very hard to find some way to handle it that doesn't make it worse. Since DD3 was diagnosed, DD6 is having major problems. At first she expressed alot of fear and mostly fear that something like this could happen to her. She went through a phase where she wanted to learn all about diabetes. Now she almost seems to enjoy pointing out that her sister needs to check her sugar or can't have a snack at that particular moment or can't have candy or whatever (though we rarely eat sweets regardless and DD3 can have sweets sometimes). But her behavior has become unbearable. She is constantly whining and crying over absolutely nothing. She immediately says "NO" to anything you ask her. If you scold her in any way she complains we hurt her feelings or that we don't love her.

Lately she has gotten so pathetic that she pretends that she is hurt. She generally has been told to go do something or to go to her room and she starts crying and then falls to the floor and starts crying "owie, owie, I'm hurt and you don't even care etc etc" She may barely bump a chair for example or sometimes nothing at all. She is already a bit clumsy and prone to bumping into things and playing it up for sympathy but this isn't even that since we see her and she is not bumping into things on accident. It is either imaginary or on purpose.

She picks fights with her sister and is starting to get more physical(pushing or sort of pinching )which is not at all like her. Yes she has gone through phrases with big nightmare tantrums before (esp during tension times like before school started in aug) but this is beyond ridiculous. We work hard to try to give her attention when she is being good and I don't feel like DD3 is getting alot of extra attention but of course there is some and sometimes she has to be attended to immediately. I am at a loss. We are all on edge and this making a very stressful time even harder. I'm not sure what anyone could possibly suggest for this but I am open to any ideas.

Oh gosh, I wish I could send you a big hug through the internet - you have a lot of stress going on at the moment!

FWIW, the first thing I thought as I was reading through this was that a lot of the behavior issues are most likely a combination of attention going to the younger sister (and necessarily so) as well as not understanding what's going on and worries for herself. I've also been told (when my kids were younger) that the ages around 6-7 are a time when children start to see themselves as independently functioning people separate from their parents etc for the first time in their lives, so it's a time when behavior can become an issue for that reason in and of itself.

I am sorry I don't have any really good advice, other than try to set aside time for your dd that is 100% hers with you and your dh, and also to keep things as close to your usual schedule as you can (if it's been a bit out of order lately due to drs appointments etc). It doesn't have to be a huge amount of time devoted to dd as much as making sure she has little bits and pieces of her-only time with you during the day, like perhaps giving her a big-girl assignment to do like help make dinner or fold clothes etc, or read a book together, whatever kind of small thing around the house she enjoys.

Our middle dd had some relatively restrictive medical issues going on when my older ds was around 5-6, and the one thing I didn't do at first (that I wish I had done in hindsight) was to talk to him about how he felt about it. DS doesn't show anxiety etc through behavior issues, he just holds it all inside... and although he wasn't worried about his sister, he had did develop a few rather far-fetched ideas about how her illness and restrictions were impacting the rest of the family (he didn't realize I would have been doing the same things anyway no matter what lol!). But the thing is, it was causing him anxiety and I didn't know it, but he most likely would have talked to me about it if I'd known to ask. You've probably already asked, but if not, it wouldn't hurt to sit down and just ask simple things about how your older dd may be feeling.

Best wishes,

polarbear

My DS7 suddenly comes up with an injury if he needs to go to time out or do something he doesn't want to do. It's a diversion tactic. He will scream at me that "I should be nicer to someone who is hurt!"

He also used to to throw tantrums that escalated into complete meltdowns when he was younger (he still does this sometimes). He also is telling me outright "no" if he doesn't want to do something.

I believe that DS suffers from some mild anxiety that contributes to the upsets. It sounds like your younger daughter's diagnosis has caused some fears for your eldest. She may also note that the youngest is receiving a bit of attention because of the diabetes.

My suggestions are not original- the only thing I can say for sure, is that my son is highly attuned to our reactions. He will eventually calm down, if I maintain an even tone. I would ignore the crying/whining. If she won't go to her room, I wouldn't force it. I've found that it escalates the situation, and I don't want DS to resort to hitting or running from me at age 7. Instead, I offer the choice between a lost privilege and a time out. He has 10 seconds to make the choice, then I remove the privilege.

If this doesn't calm down in a few months, you might have your daughter talk with someone. It sounds like anxiety and some related defiance.

Sounds like a difficult time coveln. FWIW, 6 can be a pretty defiant age. I remember wondering what kind of monster my dd had turned into at that age. I went to the library and checked out Your Six Year Old by Ames. The rest of the title is "Loving and Defiant". Reading the book calmed me down and helped us both get through that stage. Also, having grown up diabetic (diagnosed at 5yo), I know that my brother and sister both felt that I got a lot of attention. Not that I wanted it, but it has to be there with such a young diabetic and with all of you getting used to the situation. I agree with the advice to ask you dd6.5 how she is feeling. Sometimes blood testing and syringes can be more scary to the person who is watching that the person who is being poked. Good luck.

I love that I do not have the only child who cries ouch when they want attention. It is incredibly hard not to respond to her when she is crying and saying that she is hurt (when I know it is minimal or nonexistent). I am sure that in her mind she is hurt and so it kills me to have her feel like I don't care that she is hurt. That seems to just fuel her feeling that we don't care and yet I don't want to encourage this behavior. It doesn't help that DH thinks alot of this is my fault because I tend to get sucked in to her negotiation/manipulation/arguments. Not so much when she is being really obnoxious but more in the little decisions or instructions throughout the day so that she feels she can argue everything we say.

And thanks polar bear for the cyber hug. Yes the stress is over the top for us all with no end in sight.

Wrt negotiation/manipulation my DW gets sucked in too. I never waver and overtime DD has come to accept this with me but will pull stunts with my DW that she would never try with me.

Even as a baby I could see my DD taking everything in like an alien and 'computing all the angles and vectors'. She has the memory of an elephant and is as relentless as a boa constrictor once she 'locks on'.

I love her dearly and it hurts inside sometimes but that's parenting and boundaries need to be set. She can talk her way out/ change my mind with a logical argument but tantrums/crying/meltdowns never sway me because I understand my DD because in a lot of ways she is my mini Me.

Bingo. This is our household to a tee-- with reversed genders in the parents, I mean. DD does this to her dad, but I'm wise to her.

One thing stands out to me here:


WHOAH.

Okay, unless one of you as parents has firsthand experience with T1D, this is a MONUMENTAL change, and while it sounds like you are coping quite well, this is a life event which is pretty much an 8.0 on the Richter scale.

Let me add to that-- 6 is little. HG or not, they are still little there.

Emotionally fragile/volatile is completely expected, I'd say. For all of you. If you aren't freaking out-- or are doing it on the sly, your older DD may be worried that you aren't taking it seriously enough... or that she's feeling irrational for feeling the way that SHE does... and if you ARE freaking out around her, well, that has its own price.

Huge {hugs} for your family. I've lived with T1D in a family member, and it's scary, scary, scary. That first year is just a haze of painful adjustment, from what I've seen in other families. It was certainly true for us when my DD was diagnosed as a toddler-- we were NOT on our A game, parenting wise, for a very long time. Probably not until she was about 3, and she was diagnosed at 11mo.

Now-- I mention that because I think that an expectation that, just 6 weeks into things, your family will have a good handle on managing your feelings and anxiety... sorry, but that probably isn't going to happen so quickly. For any of you.

Not because you aren't trying, but because after something like this, it continues to kind of... unfold in all of its dubious majesty for a while... like ripples reaching the edge of a pool. The hits just keep coming for about a year, as you realize that "Oh yeah, THAT is different now, too," and adjust your lifestyle.

Here's what I would try.

If your DD tries an exploitative behavior, calmly investigate her claim of injury, and then have her "rest" alone. I used to do this with DD at this age for behavioral meltdowns of any cause. I'd send her to her room, or have her "just sit" for a while. Often she'd fall asleep, having worn herself out!! This way, there was no power struggle, she "won" nothing, and life went on without her having made much of an impact.

You are doing the best you can during this stressful situation. What helped me with my DS3 is re-framing the situation and view of the child's intentions in a more positive, empathetic light as a problem to solve together instead of as manipulation and bad behavior. The former deepens your bond and is calming to your child, and the latter just makes both parties angrier and more frustrated.

It sounds like DD6.5 fears and anxieties are so INFLAMED by DD3's diagnosis that a pinprick really does feel like a punch right now. Accepting that all her hurts are real to her may greatly change the dynamic. Of course, you will still discipline her by instructing her on acceptable behavior, but removing the parent's negative emotional reaction from the moment, verbal or non-verbal, is the challenge.

Help her develop coping skills and regain control over fears that are very valid to her by building mutually agreed upon positive strategies for regulating her emotions. One example is the book, "How Does Your Engine Run? A Leader's Guide to the Alert Program for Self-Regulation" Shellenberger, S. Although written for children with sensory dysfunctions, I think the toolkit can be modified to fit other situations. For example, when she hurts herself, she may be seeking attention or affection, so include positive, alternative options for seeking attention in her tool-kit. Another excellent book for developing collaborative problem-solving strategies is "The Explosive Child" Greene, R.

Give her recognition for the positive strategies she has already tried - learning about diabetes and helping her sister with healthy eating habits.

A quick tip that works for me is I tell my son that I'll talk about it when he's calm. He know he's heard, but I won't engage with him on the topic until the meltdown is over.

Right now all your emotional resources must feel stretched to the limit. I wish you all the best.

Cuddles and ice packs work just as well for imaginary hurts as real ones. And do you have access to other people who have children with t1 diabetes.

With everything I posted above said, we are not dealing with a recent diagnosis of a severe medical condition too.

So I do not want come across as trivializing the seriousness of your home situation. My mother died of an aneurism caused by complications around her Type1 diabetes 2 weeks after my third birthday so I do appreciate the criticality of this.

Management of the condition is far better now than it was then but even still I cannot fully comprehend what you and your family are dealing with.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way...

This was my instinct. Wishing the OP the best.

A contrary position to EmeraldCity...

If this isn't a universal parenting maxim, I'm coining it now: Parents can expect to get more of any behavior they reward. When a child fakes an injury or intentionally self-injures, they're looking to get a particular reaction from their parents. When you treat the pain as real, apply ice, etc., you are providing that reaction, and therefore rewarding the behavior. Therefore, you can expect more of it.

I have an 8yo girl (not to be confused with my DD8) in my care who fusses at homework time, and when other techniques are not working, she self-harms... usually she bangs a knee or her elbows on the table, but last night she cranked it up a notch, and threw herself off the chair and onto the tile floor. She's not injured, but she's clearly in very real pain. For her, the goal is avoidance of homework, so any reaction that involves a pause in homework is her reward. Our strategy, therefore, is to flatly (I do concur with EC about keeping the negative emotion out of it) point out that she wouldn't have hurt herself if she'd just stop fussing and get her homework done. We'd leave her at the table to self-soothe her tears, and then come back to help when she's ready to work.

Before homework was finished, she was back to her charming, cheerful self.

I was a believer in Dude's maxim above (and for many kids I probably still am) but for my DS it wasn't working. We read "The Explosive Child" (one of the ones recommended by EmeraldCity) and it changed everything for us. DS didn't have the skills to self soothe or problem solve what the root issue was. Without solving the root issues we were doomed to repeat the freak out over and over and over and over again which just resulted in him being punished over and over again. We're now working with him to teach him how to self soothe and problem solve and it has brought the number and intensity of freak outs way down almost immediately. It is more about teaching the skills to avoid the massive out of control melt down in the first place.

coveln, so sorry for all that you are going through. DD4 had a recent period of intense misbehavior and defiance. It was not related to a medical condition but here is what worked for me. When she was in a calmer mood, I openly asked her what was bothering her. Then we discussed how we can address her concerns and I followed through.DD also misbehaves occasionally to get attention. In those situations, humor has helped. For example, if she pretends to be hurt and in pain, I will say something like, "oh,oh, I think someone's boo-boo needs to be tickled" etc. I also sometimes pretend that DD is a baby so that she can get all that silliness out of her system and realize that her current behavior is not consistent with her maturity.

I concur strongly with this, but I'll also point out that The Explosive Child is quite clear that the worst time to try to teach those skills is during a meltdown. What you need to do is wait until she's happy and calm, and then talk to her about problem solving in the future.

ElizabethN - yes, my post wasn't clear on that part but ITA

My DH who usually scoffs at any parenting book read it cover to cover and has found it very useful.

To the OP, you might want to look at Ross Greene's web site at http://www.livesinthebalance.org/ .

I was also a firm believer in Dude's maxim when I had one child, and it works for a lot of kids. But not all. I have also found that in fact giving a kid loving attention in spite of bad behavior is sometimes exactly what they need and that behavior then improves. People are more complicated than behaviorism acknowledges, I think.

I don't think it's a binary situation, in that it always works for some kids, and never works for others. Sometimes a kid's bad behavior needs to be ignored or otherwise unrewarded, and sometimes the same kid's bad behavior requires comforting and soothing. What is motivating the behavior? Is it a deliberate tactic, an attempt at manipulation? Is the child acting out? Or is this a cry for help?

In the example I described, the child had tried a number of tactics to stall or avoid homework, they hadn't produced the results she desired, and so she escalated. There was a degree of calculation involved. That sounds somewhat similar to the OP's description of fake injuries.

This method has served us well with our DD8 in a number of ways and situations, but whenever she's in an emotional state where she's completely out of control, we've abandoned it.

The "Explosive Child" approach does not advocate rewarding or coddling negative behavior; instead, the approach promotes understanding, empathy and problem-solving the ROOT CAUSE of the behavior during the teachable moment. The teachable moment is when both parent and child are calm and can listen and think about future strategies. The moment is definitely not pre, during or immediately post the rage or tantrum. It's collaborative, but the parent still maintains their authority because both parties have to agree on acceptable solutions.

Anyways, it has worked successfully for our DS, and I apply it to other relationships for the better.

Lastly, I hope the OP can find time for yourself each week. I have found face time with mothers of similar children (I was lucky to find a few!) is life-changing.

I find my children continue to misbehave until they get their needs me. Five minutes sympathy and time is better than three hours tantrums and time outs. Besides if I spend all that time on the one misbehaving the other gets the message that is how you get mums sole attention.

If I could do 10 mins time out and it would be done then I probably would but my kids aren't like that.

Sometimes some "problem" is needed as a pretext for the tantrum. If you solve the "problem" then you are depriving them of the pretext for the tantrum, which can escalate the tantrum even more.

I have never understood the concept of a time out. What's the difference between a time out and doing nothing?

It establishes a means for the child to cue to SELF-SOOTHE, and later, to SELF-REFLECT. It's a special form of redirection, basically.

Like a re-set button. That the child has control over.

Young children may not always be ABLE to do that when in the middle of a melt-down, and often a change of scenery helps them to cue the process. You just have to be careful not to make the intervention a reward in and of itself.

Haven't read all the replies here, but fwiw, time outs do work for some kids (most likely not in this situation). They worked really well for two of my kids because while they were in time out "doing nothing" they weren't free to do what they *wanted* to be doing, plus they knew they were getting a consequence, and both of the kids it worked for shared the combined personality trait of caring about doing what they were supposed to do plus having enough control over their emotions that they could sit, regroup and move on.

My 3rd child has a personality is more self-centered (I don't mean that in a bad way, but she's less naturally focused on how other people interpret her behavior), and in addition to that trait, once she's upset past a certain point, she can't pull it back together. For her, timeouts mean nothing, and the only way to deal with meltdowns etc is to ignore her (from a distance and with ear plugs on), and then when she's calm talk through what happened.

polarbear

Personally, I've always found that planning ahead to meet a child's needs pays off beautifully. For instance, anytime I have to bring a child to something where they'll be waiting around, I let them take something with them to occupy themselves. Then I watch the children who have nothing get constantly scolded by their iParents. What did they expect?

We handle timeouts a little differently in our home. If DD8 has an issue and it can be handled right then and there, then that's what we do. But if she's so upset that any rational conversation is impossible, we send her on timeout. It's not a punishment, it's just an opportunity for her to calm herself. She can come out whenever she decides she's ready. If we decide she still hasn't sufficiently de-escalated, we send her back.

When she's in epic meltdown mode, she might continue escalating even while she's on timeout. For those, DW and I pop in on her every ten minutes or so, see if there's anything we can say or do to help her reset, then step out again if it's not working, and try another approach next time.

deleted because my post was no help to the OP.

I wanted to post an update and thank everyone for the much needed support and suggestions. Sorry its taken awhile but the days seem to melt away at a crazy speed these days.

I think one of the most thought provoking comments was this from HK:

"Now-- I mention that because I think that an expectation that, just 6 weeks into things, your family will have a good handle on managing your feelings and anxiety... sorry, but that probably isn't going to happen so quickly. For any of you"

At first read this seemed obviously true and I thought I was in full agreement and had no expectation of having a good handle on things.....but with further reflection I have to admit that my expectation on DD6 were/are perhaps unfair. We are now almost 3 months into this diagnosis and my own feelings and anxiety are not only still crazed but I don't expect to feel normal for a long time (probably ever). I am not sure why I expected my super sensitive 6 year old child (HG or not) to cope with this better than I can. Granted she does not know all of the awful things that I do about it but she is also 6 and knows enough to be fearful. I guess the truth is that I was (am) stressed to the absolute limit and frustrated that she was adding to our stress at a moment when I could not handle any more problems. I would not have blamed DD3 for flipping out on me but I was not being tolerant of DD6 flipping out since she was "supposed" to be the one person in our house least affected by this diagnosis. Yes, unfair. I am still not really sure what I could have done differently though in those first weeks. We talked alot about things when she was calm. I asked about her fears. She learned a little about diabetes and helps out with her sisters care at times. We did some one on one nice activities as well for some special bonding time. At the time none of it seemed to help. Thankfully she has greatly improved in the past month. I don't think it was anything we did or didn't do but who knows...perhaps I am less radiating less tension or something.

So thanks HK. I didn't know you were dealing with this nightmare also.

The other posts were very helpful as well. We have always struggled with time outs vs other forms of redirection. the problem is that she sometimes desperately needs a "reset" and once we get her to the point where she accepts this and spends a few minutes alone calming down (reading, drawing etc) then she often transforms back to my lovely happy girl. The problem is that it is nearly impossible to get her to the point that she accepts the time out. She won't go willingly to her room and she won't stay willingly in her room and she won't sit in a chair etc etc etc. Everything we have tried seems to escalate the situation until she finally gives in and then within a few minutes of calming activity she is fine again. We try other methods to get her to stop whatever bad thing she is doing but it just seems to feed the problem until she gets that reset. Avoiding the problem in the first place is definately a priority but I guess I too often miss the cues that a problem is coming or don't know how to head it off. I know we are also all a little sleep deprived too lately which does not help at all.

With regards to her more recent behavior which has improved but not resolved....it is a real struggle to make her feel that we care enough to take care of her if she is hurt but NOT reinforce the manipulation taking place. Generally that means ignoring it but then we have her crying that we don't love her which is both heart wrenching and aggravating and always leaves me wondering when she is really hurt and when she is just playing us. I agree with Emerald City that "a pinch may feel like a punch to her right now" and yet as Dude was pointing out, most of the time this is happening it is flagrant manipulation that occurs only after she has been told to go do something (go to room, do homework etc) or scolded for something (pinching sister etc). I am not sure that it is a calculated manipulation though as in an intentional ploy but perhaps more of a display of her complete failure to handle her emotions-which only makes me feel worse as I ignore the behavior since I dont really think she knows she is overreacting. ugh, now I am talking in circles.

At baseline she is a terribly clumsy child anyway. Her motor skills and coordination is below age level in my estimation and it is not unusual at all for her to bump into things or even just simply fall over while sitting in a chair, standing still or walking. She is also terribly fidgity which doesn't help. So, that being said, mild bumps are constantly taking place in her life and she is generally overreacting to them anyway. She often gets cuddles, ice and bandaids for these little bumps which are not intentional but that is different than the small or pretend injuries that occur while she is in trouble for something or when we are dealing with a semi-emergent situation with DD3 just because she wants attention.

Lastly, thanks also for the book suggestions. I have starting reading a book called something like Parenting the Manipulative Child--though I don't recall the exact name. It seems applicable so far but I have not gotten far enough to figure out what to do about the problem. I will check out some of the other suggestions as well.

I'm really REALLY glad to hear that things are improving for your DD6-- and for the rest of your family, too.

{Also wanted to clarify that the T1D person in my immediate family isn't my DD, and that my DD's diagnosis is one that was every bit as life-threatening and horribly life-altering, but not T1D... just very, very, VERY--eerily, really-- similar in impact.}

I'm really happy that the first wave has left you all standing, so to speak. {hugs}

Glad things are a bit better. Like PolarBear said don't expect too much of your family too soon.

puffin: thanks again

HK- thanks and sorry I misunderstood but you have obviously gone through the emotions that we are feeling right now. I know there are many children with chronic illnesses and many worse than diabetes but there is something about the constant sneak attacks it makes on you where your child is fine one second and then falling apart the next with a blood sugar of 40 that makes you constantly on edge and afraid to leave the room. Sigh. Anyway, its always nice when people understand. Have to admit you piqued my medical curiousity though..but of course I respect your DD's privacy.

Hi,

My sibling has T1D. While it is an older sibling, my emotions about this as a child were fear and helplessness. I don't believe I acted out about it, but the emotions were intense. Also, I never spoke to my parents about these feelings at all. I don't know if your child has witnessed any insulin reactions, but these were the worst for me, and I definitely would have benefited from more parental reassurance. I'm sure they did not intend to not offer this, but were simply preoccupied. I just thought I might offer some of the sib perspective. I'm sorry that you face this diagnosis, and I have great hopes that medical advances will eradicate this disease.

With my older ds, he would respond well to being given a "job" to help in the situation. Something to help and be involved and be needed, but not too critical. He is very sensitive and I can only imagine how devastated he would be if his little brother got a T1 dx along with all of the roller coaster that goes along with getting it under control. I don't know if it would help your dd but with ds something like having the job of getting yds a drink of water when something critical is going on would be a perfect little responsibility for him.

I can only imagine how helpless your dd is feeling, perhaps having an important way to contribute and help would help her.

Hugs to you.

So, I want to say to totally take control of the environment and maximize it for happiness / soothing qualities. I use candles (supervised of course), scents, stuffed animals, favorites (toys, books, etc.), drawing space for nonverbal expression, music of all types (so powerful for every type of mood) and on and on. It might sound like a lot of work and attention to detail, but that is part of a lifetime of happiness for us. When I used to travel before all of the new air travel rules, I was the person scenting the air for fresh cotton linen scent if I was sitting next to a person who did not shower. We have to control our environments. The upside is to think of all of the great products we have because of humans with high sensitivities. I even buy my child luxury bath products if I can afford it (lavender is soothing). Chamomile tea (lots of teas) are soothing. When you visit the UK or even Seattle for that matter, you realize why humans have their routines with tea and coffee. I hate to say it but comfort food is an option but then the calories are always an issue. Anything that is a negative now could end up being a huge positive in adulthood. Remember all of these stages are temporary. A sensitive child could be the next huge designer, perfume inventor, artist and on and on. You are not alone. It is very difficult to parent a gifted / highly gifted child. It takes a lot of energy. It sounds like you are right on top of it. Great job! Hang in there.

Without wishing to stray off topic, there may be a need to mention that some individuals are highly allergic; I worked with an individual who although freshly showered could not utilize deodorants or antiperspirants. Apple cider vinegar may be a natural substitute for some individuals. Spraying any scent around this highly allergic person was not allowed due to severe negative health impact.

Well said!