Gifted Issues Discussion homepage
Posted By: supervee Failing and Acting Out - 11/29/13 01:50 AM
DS is not doing well in school, rather suddenly and almost every way there is not to do well. Second year of middle school. Been mostly good to now, only little bumps that we got past.

But now we're here: suspensions for hitting, bullying reported, lying, failing classes, hiding report cards, depression, poor social interaction, refusing to eat, refusing to participate in extracurriculars, skipping afterschool.

We have health and mental health care lined up, but anybody been in this situation and want to give me a little BTDT peace of mind that we'll get through this? That he'll get through it? How'd you do it?
Posted By: indigo Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/02/13 01:04 AM
Originally Posted by supervee
DS is not doing well in school, rather suddenly and almost every way there is not to do well. Second year of middle school... We have health and mental health care lined up...
This can be stressful for all of you. Lining up visits with professionals is a wise decision. Do you believe the school issues are related to giftedness?
Posted By: 22B Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/02/13 01:15 AM
It sounds like he could be being severely bullied, but is terrified of retaliation for "telling", so is acting out in the hope that someone will take the "hint" and figure out what is really going on.
Posted By: deacongirl Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/02/13 02:15 AM
http://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/
Posted By: supervee Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/02/13 02:58 AM
Thank you all. It makes me feel less alone to be able to share this with people who might understand.

Portia, that is a great idea. Very good example. Tricky, yes, with a middle schooler. But that makes me remember a time I chaperoned an activity and what the interactions were like. I'll think of another way to chaperone something. He definitely feels threatened, but cannot (or won't) articulate why.

Indigo, I do think they are related, especially wrt sensitivity, perfectionism, and lack of challenge. He's explicitly said he is not working hard because the lessons are not new material, and tedious. And this is my curious kid whose face lights up when he learns anything new; not a "bored" kid.
Posted By: supervee Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/03/13 12:18 AM
Homeschooling would be difficult for us to swing, but I can see the value in that option, so I'm leaving it open.

He is failing because he doesn't turn in homework. Some of it is indeed tedious and repetitive, even in the AIG classes. I bet I don't have to explain why I think "well, just do it if it's so easy" while understanding why he doesn't.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the guidance counselor. Again. To talk about how to make this work. Again. I think I'm just going to have to micromanage the whole situation and get daily reports from them. We are in a high poverty district so they really are overworked and overwhelmed with kids' basic needs, but it's no excuse for letting my kid flounder.

A lot to unravel, yes. I look forward to reporting some small successes (a lot has gotten better these 10ish days at home) when he returns to school this week.
Posted By: bluemagic Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/03/13 10:48 PM
Been there, I am not sure the situation is exactly the same but DS (14) just melted down completely the 2nd half of 6th grade. It's a long story. Major social problems and homework anxiety, it wasn't fun. I believe the problems were exasperated by puberty. Around the time he turned 12 he just couldn't seem to handle his emotions. Things were a lot better last year in 8th grade and have improved further this year in H.S.

Good Luck. eek
Posted By: bluemagic Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/03/13 10:58 PM
Originally Posted by supervee
Homeschooling would be difficult for us to swing, but I can see the value in that option, so I'm leaving it open.

He is failing because he doesn't turn in homework. Some of it is indeed tedious and repetitive, even in the AIG classes. I bet I don't have to explain why I think "well, just do it if it's so easy" while understanding why he doesn't.

He is by far the first gifted kid to not do his homework because it is tedious. This is a perpetual problem around here. (DS 14 in 9th grade) While I do work with the teachers, I don't let my son get away with it. He has to do every bit of homework even if the teachers won't take late work.

In addition, learning to keep track of all the homework is a skill that many students struggle to master. Middle school teachers can be very strict, especially when they have hundreds of students.
Posted By: Zen Scanner Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/04/13 01:04 AM
The worst part of doing tedious, boring, repetitive, and ultimately useless homework is feeling a little bit of your love of learning die each time. Particularly when that passion is tied heavily into your self-concept. I think a system that has passing hinged on completing practice type homework is seriously flawed and misguided. If homework would've had more than a single grade level reduction for me in school, I probably would've dropped out of high school.
Posted By: supervee Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/04/13 01:56 AM
I'm giggling right now, because this all reminds me that I started a new job this year, and they told me I had to fill out a timesheet. A timesheet! I didn't fill it out to see if they would pay me anyway. They did. smile Yeah, I don't like busywork either.

bluemagic, you give me hope, thank you. I think if we could get over this hump, maybe 8th grade would be good.

I had several conversations with adults at school this week about paying closer attention. He goes back tomorrow. Guard rails on, plans in place, fingers crossed.
Posted By: bluemagic Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/04/13 03:00 AM
It wasn't easy, and I spend a lot of time with the teachers and principal. He did therapy for over a year, and a group therapy program. (Designed for kids with ADD & Aspergers, he isn't diagnosed with either but he did fit in.) We still work on his completing all his homework. One advantage is the honors classes at the H.S. the grade is more dependent on his test/essay scores and less on the homework. DS usually test very well.

I agree it's the love of learning that they kill quite effectively this way. We had to fight to keep my son in honors science after a particularly tedious/boring 8th grade science class. Luckily DS ended up with an excellent Biology teacher and this year it's his favorite class. That be the case, since I'm not planing on homeschooling, he does have to learn to live with the system he is in and that means completing the homework.

Part of DS's issue with homework is he is a bit of a perfectionist. By this I mean if he doesn't KNOW an answer he won't write anything. Since many teachers grade more by completion because they are too busy, other kids learn to bullshit some their homework. Part of me is glad this is the case, but often it just gets frustrating. He can take a long time to fill out a very unimportant piece of homework. This can be particularly a problem when there is an error in the wording of the problem, or it the question is vague or has no clear "right" answer.
Posted By: indigo Re: Failing and Acting Out - 12/24/13 04:12 PM
James T. Webb, Ph.D, author of A Parent's Guide to Gifted Kids has a newly released book (2013, Great Potential Press) which may be of interest and provide expert guidance and support: Searching for Meaning: Idealism, Bright Minds, Disillusionment, and Hope. There is a free online book preview sample at this link.

The table of contents and subjects covered can be previewed on Amazon, using the "look inside" feature.

Some topics include idealism as a characteristic of the gifted, the relationship between anger and depression, examining one's life, managing one's emotional state, turning disillusionment into opportunities for personal growth, unhealthy coping styles, healthy coping styles.

Existential depression and other forms of depression are discussed. The book ends on a strong positive note in discussing happiness and lasting contentment.
© Gifted Issues Discussion Forum