DS7 has never been a talker. He doesn't have any speech issues. He just is not really interested in conversation. A year or so ago, when he started refusing to go to school, I really pushed him to talk to me. It never really worked, so I eased off.

He continues to refuse to go to school. I know why (bored to tears) and we are in the middle of having him assessed for a grade skip and 2E issues. I am also noticing that he is exhibiting odd behavior for him (ex. not wanting to touch his grandmother's sweater when she hands it to him or screaming his head off when he has unknowingly stumbled upon a timed game on mathplayground.com). Up until last year, when school got uber boring, this child was always intense about his passions but dealt with adversity very well - everything seemed to roll off his back. (And thank g-d, he's had a pretty smooth and stable life so far with minimal adversity.)

So, I've been trying to talk to him. He. Will. Not. Talk.

I've tried all the methods that google has given me. Nothing works. Does anyone have any method that works to get a kid to talk about what he is experiencing? I'm all ears!

Challenge him with forward thinking. Use questions that allow him to project without taking ownership.

Like: If you designed a school, what would the day be like?

What would the perfect math lesson look like?

Or such. Also, don't probe backwards or try to fix what he tells you. Very useful to just listen and commiserate without judging. Have a separate conversation if needed at a different that starts with gaining his permission. "would you like to talk about how we might chnage your current situation with school?"

Guard your reactions, he may be sensitive to your reactions.

I've had luck with my DS7 this way when he is reticent about issues. But he is a talker who enjoys an audience, so I have one less hurdle to deal with.

I have two things I've used with varying success:

DS loves to tell me I'm wrong, using that drive combined with humor sometimes worked for me last year when he had clammed up.
Me: So how was school?
DS: ....
Me: That good?
DS:.....
Me: Want a juicebox?
(typically the exchange would just end at that point)

Me: Something must have happened for you to have that look. Hmm, DS, did you bite Melissa again? (this happened when he was 18 months or so, tone is one of fake seriousness.)
DS: NO!
Me: Well then did you beat up X? (fake serious tone, X is child in wheelchair)
DS: No. (looks at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Get arrested?
DS:.....
Me: Well then you must have at least farted on the teacher?
DS: (smiles)

The beauty of it is no response is actually needed and it still felt positive. At the very least they are distracted from their day by being disgusted with your stupid humor. As opposed to the, "So how was school" conversation that ends with just that thick empty silence. And one is hopefully getting across that the bar is set so low that parent feels they gave successful performance if they did not physically hurt anyone. Do not try with a literally minded kid.

If all had gone well that day between us then later on in the evening I might try a trade. "You want me to play more of this game, right now? Okay but first you have to tell me what story the teacher read today." (very specific question that I know will be easy to answer). As the weeks went by and he was more used to actually answering at all I could ask more vague things.

It also really helps to have inside info. Mrs. Y saw him in the library at 2pm. Shoes are not muddy so PE must have been in the gym today.

This year is going way better in terms of DS telling me stuff. I think all built on the tiniest of successful exchanges. So don't give up.

The things I end up reassuring him about now are the craziest things. For example him thinking the teacher globally likes him less because she wrote "great job" on someone else's work but nothing beyond a check mark on his.

DS6 is at his most odd Thurs and Friday, and after a long weekend is at his least odd. Simply his brain expressing an overload of stress, pathology oozes out saying, "help, this is not a tenable long term situation." Have you noticed if the oddities wax and wane like that?

Some families experience good results by having a time, like dinner time, or over board games, when everyone talks about their day. If each parent shares a daily story about the best thing that happened that day... and the worst thing that happened that day... and invites the child/ren to join in by asking what was the best thing in their day, and the worst thing in their day, they often will. From hearing parents speak about their day, including finding joy in simple things, and sharing challenges or dilemmas which may not yet be resolved, kids can become accustomed to normal ups and downs in life and seeking comfort, support, and counsel from their family. This may also help them learn vocabulary for different feelings so they can begin to express what they are experiencing in response to events in their day.

Sometimes a negative experience which deeply impacts a child's sense of self-esteem may go unshared... these may come out at bedtime... or after a long time of brooding. As one example, a teacher attempting to close the achievement gap by bringing down the performance of a top student once told a child that checking their work was "cheating" and gave the child an unwarranted sense of shame. Watch for any hypothetical questions a child may ask about discrepancies, as these may give clues as to what the child is processing: "If one teacher tells our class to check our work, and another teacher tells some kids to check to their work but tells other kids that checking their work is cheating, then who is right?"

All the best getting your child to open up!

Being bored to tears is a good enough reason for anyone (child or adult) to exhibit odd behavior. Maybe the situation at school is giving him lot of stress and sets off the bouts of odd behavior...
My child will not talk about his day when I ask - which is mostly as soon as I pick him up. He usually has had a really stressful and exhausting day and just cannot recall anything at that time and I have come to realize that even asking gently or cheerfully annoys and agitates him because it is an added stress to refocus his brain on something when he is just ready to unwind.
I later figured out that his school has PE 45 minutes before dismissal every day and he plays really hard - he is an intensely competitive athelete that he exhausts himself competing and exerting himself.
Later on in the night, when he has eaten, rested, attended an enrichment activity or read a book, he is more inclined to talk - provided there are no distractions. Then he tells me what happened in class, what the teacher said about things and the interactions he had with other kids at recess etc.
So, one strategy would be to wait until your child is in a talkative mood or when your child brings up an incident that occured at school to slip in questions of your own.
And knowing the routine well is an advantage so that you can ask specific questions that require a simple yes/no answer - for e.g. if today had a spelling test, then you could ask if the teacher asked him to spell a certain word on the spelling test and it makes it easier for the child to recall the answer and say "yes".
And the best opportunity to address questions on academics is when we review the paper pile from school and homework. I ask him to explain his work to me and sometimes pretend that the subject matter is beyond my comprehension and ask him to teach it to me like a teacher. He enjoys using a whiteboard to write out stuff and teaching them to me.
My DS6 is a talkative guy when he is not stressed out or when he is relaxed. Is that so in your case too?

somewhere, is it really important for him to talk to you right now? He's going through an eval now, for possible 2e issues - I think there are concerns about possible stealth dyslexia or dysgraphia? What about just letting go of trying to get him to talk until you're through the eval? Here's why I would approach it from that direction -


This is just a guess on my part, but I'm guessing by "speech" issues you're referring to articulation/pronunciation/etc. It's possible your ds *might* have expressive language challenges. I'm not saying he *does*, just that the lack of interest in talking *could* be an indication of an expressive language disorder.



Boredom with what's taught at school is most likely very real for your ds, but I wouldn't automatically assume that's the only issue going on. You've noticed enough reason for concern about possible 2e issues that you're having him assessed.


One thing that happened to my 2e ds, at around this same age was that his undiagnosed 2e challenges were causing him a ton of stress at school but no one (including my ds) had any clue what was going on. Leaving him in that situation caused an extreme amount of anxiety and stress to build up, and he started getting anxious about totally unrelated things, including things at home. It's possible what you are seeing are signs of anxiety, but the actual source of the anxiety is not the specific situation it overflows into.


It sounds like you're hoping to get some answers to better understand what's going on by talking to your ds. It's possible he really doesn't understand what's going on, and the lack of "talk" is more a lack of not having a clue what to say or not understanding why you are asking whatever questions you're asking. It might also be a sign that he's stressed about school, for instance, and therefore when you ask about school, he's scared or doesn't want to talk about it. For now, I'd skip trying to get this type of information and just concentrate on asking him questions about easy subjects, things he likes etc.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I want to agree with polar bear that speech and language are not the same thing, or even language and social language.

It NEVER occurred to us to take our DD to a speech pathologist because her speech was "advanced", her diction lovely, etc... Only AFTER she was diagnosed with Aspergers did we finally think to do so... Her general language skills are not much below her Verbal IQ, with one or two quite poor areas (that are typically poor in AS) but her receptive language was surprisingly poor and her social language is up to 5 years delayed. FIVE YEARS! NO ONE, not us, not school, not multiple paeds or psychologists had ever dreamed she could have a language problem as she presents so well... But it certainly explains A LOT....

And when asked what she did at school today "Nothing."

We also get the "nothing" and the "don't remember". When our DS was that age, he really needed time to decompress from the day before he wanted to talk at all. Sometimes it would start in the car later in the afternoon on the way to practice, but often he was most open to talking at bedtime (delay tactics, anyone?). There is something about cuddling in the dark after lights out that made it easier for him to just start gabbing.

This will probably not be helpful if your DS is having any language issues (sorry, can't remember specifics) but this year our DS has to write a weekly letter about his school week (assignment from school). It has been fantastic to really hear details and how he feels about things- turns out he remembers and can relate things in excruciating detail, which is really surprising to us. And he writes pages and pages- it's fantastic, and already has me thinking about journals for what this assignment is over, just to keep him writing. We write back each week as well, and it has turned into a great form of communication for us.

Whether you are dealing with 2e issues or not, it does seem that he is displaying a high level of anxiety. Sometimes continuing to examine or discuss the source of anxiety can make it continue to spiral. It may be taking all he has to keep himself "together" and talking (especially at that age) is harder to control. Have you tried tapping into his passions to get him discuss those? If those are also tied to the anxiety, try going "completely left" for awhile. Watch TED talks or the Next List, explore something on Khan Academy etc. together and talk about it. I have found that sometimes gifted students (especially if they have any type of OE issue) need permission to run with their passion or anything really academically stimulating for awhile and that will "reset" them enough to then get back to being able to discuss the issue at hand.

My mother asked me what I did/learned at school every day, and my response from K-12 was always "nothing". I often said I wanted to stay home, but I probably wouldn't have liked that (I am an only child and I would have been bored at home too). I am certain that I learned something at school - I'm pretty sure that I did not enter K knowing calculus.

I did not have any language issues but I was similar to your DS. Back off of the questions for a while - maybe he'll come home one day and let you know what happened at school (I typically reported what the "bad" kids did).

I have a DS7 who is also 2e who isn't much of a talker about school. His behaviour was at it's worst last year and looking back a lot of it came down to him knowing he was smart but not being able to deal with the frustration of the LD. No one likes to feel dumb and yet that's basically what he felt whenever he had to write. Once he was evaluated and he had a reason (other than stupidity) for his challenges and had some accommodations things improved a lot.

I'd also agree with trying to volunteer in the class. I was fortunate enough to spend a half day a week in his class last year and it was an eye opening experience. Seeing his classmates range of abilities was really surprising at times. I knew he was smart but to see him in comparison was really revealing. It has also helped me try to find solutions that will actually work for the teacher and the school has been far more receptive to my advocacy as a result. It is far from perfect but it is a big improvement over the complete disaster it was.

I would also agree with them not really knowing what is wrong or possible.

As usual, there is so much great information here! Thanks everyone for giving me so much to think about/work with.

I'm going to give some of these techniques a try.

And I've gotten some preliminary feedback from our 2E tester: she doesn't think DS has any 2E issues! I was not expecting that. I will get the full report this week. Should be interesting!