DD finished 2nd grade back in June, for the past 3 years I have been asking her, 'what did you learn today at school?', occasionally. DD has always given me the 'deer in the headlights' look and avoided answering. Just the other evening the penny finally dropped; she wasn't answering because she was never told something at school that she didn't already know.
How dense have I been? LOL
Does anyone else have any similar experiences that they would care to share?
My question for DD was "what did you like about school/camp/activity this day/week"
Same result, though.
Another one--
What we say: "We only want you to do your best, honey. The results will take care of themselves if you just do your best."
What she hears: "If you do your best, you'll earn 100%. You always have. Therefore, your best is always 100%. You should never earn less than 100% on anything, and if you do, it's because you didn't give it your best effort." Oh, and also; "even on those tasks that require only a slapdash effort and a third of your full attention for a few seconds, you should do YOUR BEST. Yes, 15% of that effort is technically all that is probably needed, but you should DO YOUR BEST all the time."
Wish that I'd figured THAT one out a long, long time before I actually did. Years of hearing that subtly perverted message internally have led DD to think that the entire outside world holds her to a standard of perfection that is kinda impossible.
On the "doing your best":
At one point we mapped out effort and results for a whole bunch of different tasks. We drew out little thermometers, and talked about what things needed 100% effort (timed arithmetic tests), what needed 85% effort (most longer assignments that tend to be more difficult), and what can have ~50% effort (silent reading time). We then mapped what kind of score was appropriate for each task, gauged on DD's particular strengths and weaknesses, and if the effort level wasn't getting the expected results, it was time to change the form of the effort -- change approach -- not necessarily the effort level.
I don't ask what was learned either. I do think my kids learn at school, though they aren't exactly aware of it. I ask specifics "what did you write about today?" "what are you working on in math?" instead.
Whenever I asked my son that, he would always reply, "I don't know...". Now, I ask, "What is something new you learnt at school today?". Most of the time it's nothing, but occasionally (and it makes me feel a bit sad), he gets so excited because he learned ONE new thing at school- everything he gets taught should be new!
My mother asked me that question every day and the answer was the same every day...nothing. While some go into school knowing more than others, I do not think that I spent 13 years (K-12) in school and learned absolutely nothing. I was not interested in answering a question that might require an answer of more than a few words.
I have two kids who answer "nothing" when asked what they did at school today. One is HG+ and grade skipped and thriving, the other is MG but seriously 2E and doesn't remotely look gifted at school. They just don't seem to be either interested in retelling, or able to figure out what to retell about their days. My 3yr old is now better at recounting her day than the grade 2 or grade 6 child... I know other folks with HG+ kids who give them excruciating details about every minute of the day until the parents' ears are bleeding... I don't know that this is about giftedness so much as personality...
I have done the same questioning in the past - what did you learn today, anything new and exciting happen? When each of our girls were in pre-school and kindergarten they would usually answer with enthusiasm and eagerness, but that was about as far as it went. Now both girls give me the same answer as the rest of you have said - nothing! Last school year I changed my question to - can you tell me something that happened at school today? I at least got some response to this line of questioning, but it was always something they did at recess or something another student did in class, etc. It was never anything truly academic in nature. The only thing I recall at all from the last school year, was DD9 telling me they finally got around to division towards the end of the year. I asked if she was excited about getting to do division finally and she bluntly told me - "No Mom, it is just the opposite of multiplication, and besides, I already know how to divide and I don't like math!" Awww out of the mouths of babes!
At the end of the last school year I met with DD9's teachers for the next school year to try to build some rapport and just as a "heads up" she is coming your way. I told them flat out that it has been a very long time since DD has come home excited about anything she is learning at school. She used to be so excited and interested and now seems to not really care at all. It is so sad to see this in my child and not know how to help her get her enthusiasm for learning back.
I ask a question I picked up here: "What questions did you ask at school today?" Even if she doesn't remember any, I think it sets an appropriate tone.
I got some good results with: "So what's something new that you know that you don't think I know?" but not with "what did you learn."
I stopped asking that, too. Instead, I ask what was their high, low, and what did they do that was kind?
We have heard the "nothing" answer for a couple of years now. So, I changed my strategy and now I always ask how my child's day went at school/camp/extra curriculars etc. The answer is always "good", "great" etc. Then I ask him to name 3 things that made school etc great. And we pick up from there.
Mostly, he is excited about playing at recess, playing with blocks and legos in the classroom and a book that the teacher read aloud (she selects some good books for their level from scholastic). Sometimes, he mentions that they grew some seeds in a pot or that the teacher bought in a butterfly growing kit etc. I have never heard him be excited about academics in the classroom yet.
I usually ask if anything interesting happened in school. I always get a response but it is often times a story about someone farting during circle time, someone barfing in the garbage can at recess or a detailed account of the pranks he and his classmates play on each other.
I have never heard him say he did a really interesting worksheet. Probably never will. He does speak highly of the science experiments, art projects and cooking.
I go with what did you do today, what was interesting (although that often gets a shrug and an I don't know) and I also try to remember which specials he has what day so I can say what did you do in gym, or music, etc. the worst is with science, it can actually really upset him if I ask what did you learn today, since he's likely to not learn anything there for years!!!
DeHe
I started asking "What did you work on today?" instead of asking about learning. I've realized that his IS often learning something, but the way he learns is basically via osmosis, so he has no recollection of when it happened, he just knows that he knows it now. This also helps me keep track of what they are working on in class, and sometimes helps trigger his memory on what homework/projects he's meant to be doing.
BTW, I am SO FRIGGING EXCITED to start the new school year with him going to the spec ed teacher at the end of each day. We might actually have a school year without dozens and dozens of zero's for missing work on his report card!
I have been starting the conversation with I had something interesting happen today, then I fill in the blank. It has worked a couple times.
I started asking "What did you work on today?" instead of asking about learning. I've realized that his IS often learning something, but the way he learns is basically via osmosis, so he has no recollection of when it happened, he just knows that he knows it now. This also helps me keep track of what they are working on in class, and sometimes helps trigger his memory on what homework/projects he's meant to be doing.
!
Ditto to all of this! I also ask very specific questions about each class/subject. FWIW 2 out of 3 of my kids never really have liked to tell me about what they did during the day - its not because they had bad days etc, but mostly because the *timing* of when I ask - I tuicalloy ask right after school when I pick them up. That also just happens to be the time of day they are tired and hungry and they've just lived through the day, and as kids, in slight of being really smart kids.... I'm not sure they really grasped either that I didn't already know 100% of what their day had included and they for sure didn't understand why I care lol. So I do remind them from time to time why I care
and how it helps me help me to talk about it.
Best wishes,
polarbear
I usually ask if anything interesting happened in school. I always get a response but it is often times a story about someone farting during circle time, someone barfing in the garbage can at recess or a detailed account of the pranks he and his classmates play on each other.
Does your son go to my DD's school? That's what I get, too!
Actually, she will talk till my ears bleed, but only if I don't ask. If I ask, she "can't remember".
DS is a "nothing" kid.
I try not to ask
If I do, it's usually 'Did you have a lovely day?' which she automatically answers with 'yes'
Or I ask who she played with (long list of girls!) or how was her lunch ... later on she'll tell me the interesting stuff as she remembers it. I try not to ask about the academics because they're usually so lame it just makes me mad! Sigh
She has a one-day-a-week gifted pullout program and on that day we get a two-page typed sheet detailing everything they discussed, queried, thought about, watched, read, researched, designed, built, as well as ideas to take things further - it's bliss!!!
I ask my kids "What was the best thing about school today?" and sometimes follow it with "Was anything not so good?" (I am not asking was there any hard work, but were there any hard experiences and my kids know this).