Hi everybody,
I've been browsing threads since I found out that my DS7 is highly gifted. I have found a lot of useful information and think this site is great!
I was wondering if anybody has any thoughts or advice to offer regarding specific concerns I have about my DD.
She just turned 9 and is in 4th grade. While she has not been formally identified as gifted, she has a lot of traits of a bright child. My worry is that she has some OCD tendencies and is extremely reserved in the classroom and tends to obsess about how she is perceived by others, which in return makes her shut down. She literally sits in the classroom with a blank look on her face most of the time. Once she gets comfortable with people around her, she is very outgoing, funny and witty. However, that can take months.
So what do I do? Has anybody elses child been through this? How do I help her? I'm not sure if the extreme reserved behavior has anything to do with giftedness or is it one of her OCD traits?

I agree, sounds like anxiety to me. My DD9, when she's really struggling with the anxiety, will self-report that she spent the entire day sitting with a blank face, speaking to no one. It's particularly bad at the start of a new school year.

Just sounds like a gifted introvert to me. There's a lot to being aware of social cues and contexts and being sensitive to people and social mores and wanting to understand them before diving in and possibly offending. Doesn't make it OCD or anxiety. Ideally, more and more of that analysis becomes automated with increased observation. If she isn't progressing and learning in that direction it might be something.

Gifted girls are notorious for hiding their abilities in order to fit in better socially. That blank look may mean she's bored, but hiding.

Then again, it may be just the way she comes across when she's listening attentively, because that's how my DD7 comes across sometimes. I have a noted tendency to lecture endlessly if nobody stops me, and sometimes I'll notice that blank look and try to wrap things up, but when I stop, DD will say, "What else?" which is her way of saying, "Please continue."

I've come to the conclusion that what looks like zoning out for most kids is, in her case, intensely focused listening.

Thank you everybody for your input!
She is currently not receiving any treatment for OCD, it's pretty mild and I found some coping skills for both of us that seem to be working well.

I think Zen Scanner nailed it. She really seems to need to observe everything and everybody before getting involved. She is extremely observant, can recall conversations word by word and seems to soak in and analize EVERYTHING, even things that don't involve her. I've never had to discipline or lecture her about anything, she just seems to know what is expected and I've always said that she's like an old lady trapped in little girls body.

But I feel bad for her. It seems she's not able to "let loose" and just be a kid. She has always been a worrier and concerned about things that kids shouldn't even think about and that from a very early age. So what do I do? I feel like since she's always doing what is expected and behaving perfectly, the teachers will never know what she's capable of and she will go for the rest of her academic life just blending in. She never asks for anything, never draws attention to herself, does what's expected and goes home. Am I worrying for no reason? Or should I push her out of her comfort zone before she turns into a total introver?

She gets the "deer in headlights" look when somebody is talking to her.
She doesn't zone out when listening, in fact she is very much of a multitasker. She can watch TV, read a book and "record" a conversation people are having in the room, all at the same time!

Does she like to write, draw, do an art/craft where she could take a class or try a contest, etc.? Maybe she needs a "voice" to express herself this way first. Have you tried an acting class or camp with her - sometimes introverts can come out of their shells with acting or singing.

I was like that when I was her age. Even in photos from when I was a kid, I often do look big-eyed and rather solemn. Teachers and other people's parents used to ask me "are you still with us?" or sometimes other moms would ask my mother if I was okay, etc. My mother was happy that I was so quiet I think, because my older sister (1 year older) was so "high maintenance". Quick-witted high-vocab people often get pinned as gifted and sometimes quiet, studious boys but quiet girls get overlooked.

It's nice that you're trying to help her get out of her shell early on. Though she will probably always need plenty of thinking/observing time and maybe even time away from people to regroup if being in a group wears her out. : - )

You could easily be describing my DD. She is just socially both astute and cautious. She's also an introvert. I, too, think that Zen Scanner really nailed this phenomenon.

Once my DD feels like she knows all the in's and out's of a social group, you can't shut her up... LOL. But until then, she's like a fly on the wall, intently studying dynamics that most people would roll right over or not even notice. She's actually a great kid to have in a situation with other introverts because she is so good at connecting with them and drawing them out.

I used to worry that my DD was too non-assertive or withdrawn, too-- but she really isn't. This is just who she is. She has always been this way, and it's completely functional for her.



It doesn't sound to me like the behavior is causing HER much anxiety, right? In that case, I'd probably opt for private testing to show what she's capable of (if you're worried that the school won't notice/care) and not worry about trying to make an introverted and thoughtful child into something she isn't.

If she's always been like this (and it's not situational, which it sounds like it isn't), then trying to make her "less introverted" is probably doomed to failure and will rob her of the chance to be... well, herself.

My advice would be very different if this seemed to be causing her distress in terms of repetitive or maladaptive behaviors, or if she were indicating to you that she was unhappy.

Introverts can be surprisingly content observing rather than actively participating in ways that make sense to extroverts.

Gifted children who are great students of the human condition like this OFTEN seem to have "big questions" and big thoughts on the brain. Yes, this seems very age-inappropriate in some respects. It is, in some respects. But it is also just who these children are. They are also surprisingly strong and pragmatic, I've found.

Does she "cut loose" in some circumstances where she is 100% comfortable and knows people very well? That, too, is fairly typical for gifted introverts. And really, a slowness to warm up to people you've just met? Not necessarily a maladaptive thing, really.

That reminds me of my dd, too. She's busy drinking it all in. She'll tell you all about her reaction later, but in the moment she looks dazed. She's only five and has introvert times for sure. She was telling me how she likes to sit alone at recess ( I know she also has played w her friends, wildly) and tell quiet stories to herself and observe. I just told her I remember playing solo (playing secret garden, in fact, which we are currently reading), that she should take her break however she feels beat, and that I loved every bit of her. I trust her!

Yeah, my DD fits this mold, too, except that she's definitely not an introvert, because she craves social interaction. But put her in a new social situation, and she immediately becomes a fly on the wall, drinking it all in, before she makes up her mind to engage. Once she engages, she's very witty/silly, and a leader of the group.

How long that "fly on the wall" phase lasts is variable, depending on the situation. Sometimes she feels comfortable almost right away, and sometimes it takes a while. And sometimes she never feels comfortable in a particular group.

In our case, we noted that this is one of those personality traits that's hard-wired into her brain circuitry, because she was demonstrating this behavior at birth. DD made it perfectly clear that she didn't appreciate being placed in the arms of people she'd never met. DW and I had to make it a rule that people were not to pick her up until she signaled to them that she wanted to be.

So, like HK said, this is just who she is. Resistance is futile.

HowlerKarma, you are describing her extremely well:)
You're right, her behavior is not a concern to her. I've told her that she's missing out if she behaves like that and she just laughs at me in a "yeah right" kind of way. She says she's very happy being by herself at times. And yes, she does cut loose with people she knows well and at home. It's hilarious how different she is.

I find Dudes observation very interesting. From the time she was just a few weeks old my daughter would "lose it" if a stranger would pick her up. Once she was a few months old, she didn't even like strangers looking at her from a close range. My younger child was the total opposite. Never cared who picked him up or held him or talked to him. And he can still approach and strike up a conversation with anybody, anywhere, anytime.

My DD is just too serious most of the time. She absolutely despises singing and dancing, she thinks it's embarrassing and is refusing to do it. Any kind of holiday concerts or classroom dance/singing activities where participating is not optional, is downright embarrassing for me to watch, because she sticks out like sore thumb by just standing there. And the teachers might take it as if she's stubborn, when in reality she just can't make herself do it because for her it's debilitatingly embarrassing. Now she can step out on a stage in front of hundreds of people and perform on one of her instruments without even flinching or perform a theatrical skit in front of the classroom with no problem. It does not make sense to me.
So should I just let her be? Is she missing out without knowing it herself? Is this behavior holding her back and reaching her potential? Is it going to get worse if I don't intervene?

It makes perfect sense to me. If you know all the rules for the context, and are confident you can perform in the confines of the role as specified... that's easy.

I'd say there's nothing to worry about, and she probably isn't missing out versus her own perception of her needs. Luckily, we grow up to be great facilitators, sensitive and respected managers, great friends (to the few who are let in), etc. It's a different potential.

If you want to help along the path, things I would've found helpful:
1) Go people watching with her, like at a mall or a park. Discuss the people you are observing, speculate on what they are thinking, etc.
2) A big epiphany was realizing that despite being social and talking and interacting, other people may also be observant; i.e. she could work on exposing small emotes even from the sidelines to indicate she is aware/following/understanding... A slight nod, a head tilt, glancing up in thought, a sub-vocal huh.
3) Make sure she has enough opportunities to interact with strangers in defined contexts, e.g. ordering at a restaurant, talking to a librarian, etc.
4) Explain about extraverts/introverts and that some extraverts have to "think" out loud. And that extraverts imagine introverts must be lonely and are usually trying to be helpful when they invade.
5) And never have the "what's the worse thing that can happen?" discussion when dealing with potential embarassment.

...and I've got an extravert DS7 who walks right into a store and tells the employee exactly what we are looking for and why we want it, etc. while I'm the deer in the headlights... not sure which is trickier the introvert parent with extravert kid or vice versa...