Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Social skills

I�ve already posted about ds10, so here�s ds9:
He�s been diagnosed with ADHD, dysgraphia, depression, and he�s highly gifted. There have been suggestions that he might have Asperger�s, but no official testing has been done. I think he would miss the mark because his difficulties are mostly social. He has some sensitivities, mostly to noise. He does very well in school academically, but he sometimes gets very upset and shuts down, cries, and/or yells. He has a hard time when confronted with something he�s done wrong, when he thinks he�s being treated unfairly, and when people tease him. We tried a social skills/counseling group, but he was very annoyed by the behaviors (repetitive talking, making noises) of some of the other kids (mostly Aspies) in the group. I think he needs more socialization or maybe a social skills group where he�s the lowest-functioning. He enjoys being around other kids most of the time. He�s involved with cub scouts and a church group. He plays with the kids in the neighborhood pretty well, but that group is pretty small. When the depression was really bad, he didn�t want to leave the house, but now he�ll go out every day if the neighborhood kids are available and go to scouts/church willingly.
Do you have any suggestions to work on social skills? I�d like him to realize sooner when he�s getting upset so he can remove himself from the situation to avoid a meltdown. There are other things that would be helpful, like making friends, ignoring annoyances, etc. if you have suggestions there.

I would say if his difficulties are mostly social, that's a good clue (given the prior suggestions from people who know him) that he might have Asperger's. It is, after all, the "social difficulties" end of the spectrum.

My DS8 is 2E with Asperger's, and the school does a ton of social skills work with him. They have "social stories" that they do in the morning before school, depending on what he is having trouble with at that particular time. The most recent thing has been involving voice level training -- showing him what is a "5" voice and what that is for (emergencies), what is a "3" level voice and what that is for (normal speaking inside), and so on, and practicing. He has had training on how to handle it when he thinks he's being treated unfairly (which is a lot), and when people tease him, and how to ask someone to play, and many many other things. There is a group sometimes, but mostly he works with a counselor one-on-one. They have made arrangements in his classrooms for what he can do when he is overwhelmed (with noise or whatever) or when he is bored or when he is angry, so that he can go to see the counselor, or put his head down on his desk, or go off in the corner and do something else.

I'm sure someone else has book recommendations, but ours are mostly done through the school and through his outside counselor.

Keet, nothing in what you described rules out Asperger's, and a lot of it sounds like my DS8 (Asperger's). Perhaps you should pursue testing? The profound anxiety that comes with AS can be hard to distinguish from depression. Did you treat the depression?


That is all pretty typical bright-asperger-kid stuff.


It is very often the case that kids with social skills issues can't get along well-- none of them has the social skills to compensate for the missteps of the others.


If he has Asperger's (hypothetically) he will need more than exposure to social situations; he will also need direct instruction and guided practice on handling those situations.

It's great that he is sociable. Mine is like that too. I would say he adores being around people, but doesn't do it well (makes a lot of mistakes), and after a few hours of it he does best if he leaves to recharge.


For tolerating others and ignoring annoyances, we used a mix of strategies, including cognitive-behavior therapy and "social thinking" (Michelle Garcia Winner's curriculum). We also practiced "not getting your way" and negotiating a lot. Most of these skills are best taught one on one, then practiced in small situations (play dates). Only with some experience is it easy to generalize them to things like scouts.

For noticing his own level of irritation, there's the Alert System ("How does your engine run?"-- I got it through interlibrary loan.) I didn't use it completely, but I borrowed things from it. The CBT helped with this, too.

Having a diagnosis could get you more targeted treatment, social support at school of other kinds than social skills group, and entry into appropriate social skills groups, although these are always hard to find. DS did much better after he learned he had AS-- it helped him understand his own odd reactions to things.

HTH,
DeeDee

I'd like to second Michelle Garcia Winner's approach - I have seen it help a number of kids, and there are some enlightened school systems that do a good job delivering it - thus it could be a goal and service on an IEP.

I'd also keep an eye on the academic struggles. While they may not be primary causes of depression, I am sure they play into his distress. Don't underestimate how difficult it is for a smart student to deal with classroom struggles. It can be anxiety producing, exhausting and frustrating. So, I would make sure that he has the academic supports in place, too. Sometimes it is tough to do this - especially if he is very bright and doing enough to meet minimum standards.

In addition to Michelle Garcia's work, I enjoy Rick Lavoie's book, "Its So Much Work to be Your Friend". He discusses how different aspects of LD can affect social skills and gives some realistic recommendations to help the child improve their skills. It's not targeted to an AS audience - it is more general in nature. But, I think you'll find that it is helpful.

I've read a lot about Aspergers, snd I think things would be easier in some ways with that diagnosis. This is why I don't think it's Aspergers. He does not have language issues (unless dysgraphia counts). His non-verbal and verbal scores are very similar. His thinking can be pretty concrete, but he understands - and uses - itioms, sarcasm, jokes. He makes eye contact, uses appropriate facial expressions, body language. He spoke early and met milestones on time or early. His reading comprehension is very high. He doesn't stim, but he's very into video games, math, and whatever he's reading. When he was little, he was the sweetest, most caring child around. His birthday is on the late side for his grade, but when I asked his preschool teacher about maturity for entering K, she said he was mediating arguments on the playground. He really didn't have problems socially until he started regular school, and even then, it was mostly impulsivity, perhaps because of ADHD. He started acting out in school last year and then the depression was diagnosed. I'm sure there are a lot of reasons for the depression, but some of it is due to his dysgraphia being ignored and even punished at school. He also has diabetes and a growth delay. The psychologist thinks the depression is resolving itself and doesn't think he has anxiety issues. He doesn't think it's Asperger's, but there are some Aspie-like characteristics. He said he thinks ds has found his own voice during all of this depression treatment and that's why he's so irritable. His teacher said maybe he has it, but if he has Aspergers, he's the highest functioning Aspie she's ever seen.

Even if he doesn't meet the criteria for Aspergers, that doesn't mean some of the same techniques won't work for him. Thank you for all of your input. I will check out the suggestions.

Keet, AS is a syndrome-- meaning a collection of symptoms rather than something you can do a biological test for-- but one doesn't have to have all the symptoms to be diagnosable. It's especially hard to diagnose it in gifted kids, because they learn well and compensate; but it can still be terribly frustrating for them.

The language piece doesn't rule anything out-- actually, to be diagnosed with AS, you can't have a language delay (with language delay it would be PDD-NOS or autism-- a distinction that is about to go away in any case). My DS also has read and comprehended beautifully from an early age.

When you say "very into" video games, math, reading how into dpo you mean? My DS's special interests are math and science. He added numbers throughout his preschool years to keep himself calm and happy. This wasn't easily recognized as a problematic behavior, for obvious reasons, but it was for him. Video games are a controlling interest for my DS; I really have to keep the lid on what he's allowed.

I'm not saying your DS probably or definitely has it; I just see enough similarity between your kid and mine that I think it bears looking into. If it fits, the label can buy access to services that can really help.

HTH,
DeeDee

I second everything that DeeDee is saying, including this last part:

I haven't read the replies but Social Thinking (Michelle Garcia Winner's approach) has been the ONLY approach that has worked with our incredibly 'stubborn' son Before I heard about it, I was doing similiar things with him anyway based on common sense for what he needed.

I absolutely believe this is the best approach for all children to learn about their social selves, not just those with social difficulties.

oh and I must also stress that every Aspie is different. Yes there are things that lead to a diagnos which make them similar, but there's still personality and different degrees of 'stuff'.

My Aspie husband is okay with eye contact. My son is okay with it when he's comfortable. We know other Aspies who have no real problem with eye contact, but others who make zero eye contact.

My children and husband don't do a lot of the Aspie behaviours people often read about. This is why I get annoyed with checklists, because everyone is different!

I have quite a few friends with children who I am certain are Aspies but my friends say "oh no, they're nothing like so-and-so who has Aspergers".