Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional gifted boy does not want to be a "nerd"

My 12 year old son was identified as GT for our GT program when he was in second grade. He has always loved school and excelled in all areas. He is also a gifted artist. Middle school is approaching, as is a decision about whether to attend an IBMYP middle school or a "regular" middle school. During the "interview" process for the IBMYP program (he has been accepted; they did a STAR test and a diagnostic math test in order to place him in the right classes), he scored second grade level for reading, a sure indication that he TRIED not to succeed on the test. We have not received the math results yet.
Our concerns now about what school to attend are now overridden by concerns about how to help our son continue to rise to challenges and to be honest with himself and others about his abilities. He finally told us he does not want to be a "nerd" and be "smart." Do you have any research, guidance, advice--anything that will help us know how to handle this phase so that he will stay on the right track with his work ethic and his development?

If you can get him near other GT kids for some social time?
He is 12, so it's a good time to get him to take the SAT (yup, call College Board and have them send you a printed application and get going - you can still get a sitting before the school year is out!)

If he does 'well enough' on the SATs he qualifies for summer camps and weekend programs through his local talent search (JHU's CTY if you are on the East Coast)

What makes me think he would take the SATs anymore seriously than his local tests - I think sitting next to all those high school students would send a strong message. Bribe him if you have to.

I would also contact the school, and the state gifted association.
Has your son had a WISC IQ test? Is it a LOG problem? Has he been bored or underchallenged in the local GT program?

What are your son's interests beside art?

This can be a tough phase - no doubt about that!
Grinity

Wow! Second grade, huh?

That's a pretty ballsy move. I'd tread carefully because it doesn't sound like you are going to win any battles.

I think your best bet is to do whatever it takes to get your son's goals aligned with your goals for him. Grinity makes some excellent suggestions for this.

In addition, I would do a little research on social norms at his current school and what is going on with him socially. I think you need to try and see it from his perspective. Once you understand his thinking THEN try to sway him. I think the most likely explanation is that he is being short sighted and wants to succeed socially in the environment he knows, possibly at the expense of opportunities in the future. I'd try and get specifics, though. Does he think he has a shot at making a team that gets a lot of attention, is he showing an interest in girls, is the gifted school population a distinct group in some way (all one race / ethnicity or all from a particular part of town?)

Can you provide a little more background about the type of school he is currently in, what level of education the other children's parents have, average socioeconomic status, etc.?

Summer programs at local universities could possibly help him see that there are many other kids like him. Some programs do not require tests. My son was at an engineering camp last year, where they had kids from age 6 to 18 all working at their ability levels, alone or in small groups, but sharing their ideas with all. My son loved this type of environment. I think many kids go through the stage of trying to fit in, or feeling that they do not fit in. His teachers could provide you with some contextual info on what is going on in school that you may not hear directly from your son. I myself was one of those children who did not want to worry parents and often was hiding issues I had at school.

Seems to me that your son is mixing up two different things: being nerdy and being smart. He was born smart, but he can choose not to be nerdy. And if he doesn't want to be nerdy, chances are he probably isn't. No one ever said that people with IQs over 120 have to wear pocket protectors, waiting-for-the-flood trousers* and glasses that weren't even stylish in 1958. Coolness is about attitude as much as anything else!

It's possible to be good at schoolwork and learn how to jump while ice skating, build your own treehouse, or be on the track (or whatever) team. Impossible as it may seem, it's even possible if there's a TV or a gaming system in the house.

Added: it's also possible to have nerdy moments and yet still avoid pocket protectors. I have been known to enjoy doing calculus problems and think about physics. Others may, possibly, see this behavior as being on the nerdy side. Yet people at the rink have been known to tell me NOT TO JUMP SO HIGH!! And my mother never stopped me from riding my bike down the biggest hill in town at warp speed. I don't see any conflict in having different interests that can be seen as running the spectrum between ultra-nerdy and ultra-cool. Again, there's a lot of attitude gluing it all together.


Val


This could be a New Hampshirism (I grew up there). Translation: it means that your pants are too short.

Amy Chua would never say that, and although I think she is a little out there, neither would I. School is the primary "job" of my children, and it is their moral obligation, both to themselves, their parents, and society in general, to do their best.

It sounds like there may be some bullying or other social pressure going on at school, or that there are good friends at the school where he is now who will not be going to the gifted school, and he does not want to leave them behind.

I think the deeper source of this bears looking into. Knowing what is behind it will go along way toward helping you help him.

Thank you for all of your responses. I will be back to read and digest. Quick answers to some of your questions:
-He is extremely introverted, loves the outdoors and biking, is musical (currently taking guitar) as well as artistic, and currently loves adventure novels. He often, ever since he was small, chooses one subject and delves into it until he knows everything about it--when young, dinosaurs; later, Harry Potter and other full series of books, WWII. His personality--which we LOVE--can be off-putting to some, especially teachers, because he does not often share what he is thinking/feeling.
-Our local elementary school splits into three zones/schools for seventh grade and he will be in a different zone than many of his very close friends, one of whom he has been with since nursery school. We are in a relatively small city, though, and we will continue these relationships through church and sports as well as informally. When I think from his perspective, though, I know that this feels very scary.
--His older brother, our oldest, is in the ibmyp program and it also seems to be a logical choice based on this second child's interests. It is a more international group of kids than the "regular" school would be, but it has seemed to be a positive environment for our oldest son--great peer support and good attitudes, as well as some wonderful teachers. Our second son does not, however, have any close friends from his current school who are choosing this option.