Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Frustrated (long)

I just need to get this off my chest and share with someone who might understand my frustrations.

Last week I got this e-mail from DS(5)'s Montessorri teacher:

Just a note to tell you how well everything is going with ***. I really feel like he's a big part of our family now. All the kids love him, he is helpful and beginning to relax and play well. He is great outside and one of my biggest die - hard outdoor enthusiasts...as long as the sledding holds out at least! I have seen him get involved in some great imagination games with cars and blocks lately too. I was telling [his dad] there have been a couple of afternoons when everyone is begging to play with him and he has to make tough choices, kindly telling some he will play with them in a while. He plays well with both girls and boys. I pointed out to him how popular he is getting and how all his hard work has paid off, and he was delighted. "You're right! All my work is paying off!" I almost never see the angry outbursts, and I'm not as interesting as I used to be now that he is busy and happy.

This morning, we began our unit on Reptiles, and he spend the whole morning reading the info cards, sorting the types, and then comparing reptiles to amphibians with me. After that concentrated work period of about an hour, he went on to take out the resource books and page through them to fine out more. His reading is coming along really fast, and he continues to work well in math. We had a new child start, and *** is such an old hand - helpful and considerate with this new boy just about his age. I am happy he has settled in so well.

I'm getting our a lot of our early reader science and cultural books for him to delve into as we study each unit to help him move ahead when he can. I'll keep you posted!

Then today after informing the same teacher that I wasn't going to enroll him for the extended day K program next year since the deadline was today and I am still waiting on the public school decision for a skip to 1st grade I got another e-mail. When I told the teacher I wasn't going to enroll I also mentioned that I wish when DS has started at the school in October I really wish she would have just allowed him to start in the K program at that time since right now he is academically way ahead of all the 6 year olds. Here is most of that e-mail:

I see all your points.
I am beginning to see the readiness you mention for *** to be in extended day. When he first started, his ability to wait, cooperate, take turns, listen, and focus on writing tasks was more that of a late four - early 5 than closer to 6 where the other extended day kids are at this point in the year. He had quite an adjustment and needed time to settle in.

He has made a lot of progress, and could probably handle it now, although he still throws tantrums or breaks into tears when frustrated or asked to wait. When we are reading his early readers he gets a bit obstinate about being told he is incorrect, when we read his upper level info books, like atlases or science books, he is fine for about a page then needs a break.
So we do a little each day in a lot of areas.

One on one, he can sit and work for quite a while, I still find him distracted and a bit interruptive at group lessons that last more than 15 or 20 minutes. Again, this is very developmental, and not a problem for me at all, but could be in a structured class of over an hour.

Another point is that some of the projects are year long,and *** came in with less than half a year to go. We only offer that program to students scheduled to attend first grade the next fall. To open it to four year olds would be hard, as most parents think their kids would benefit from early placement there, and it really is a pre first class. We created the class for third year students.

Good luck with your school search, and let me know if I can help. If there are no acceptable options in April, and you find you would like to come back, we'll see where we stand with class size and age breakdown.

I am really frustrated. I understand asynchronous development and I am not feeling like we are on the same page at all. Ever since I told this teacher over a month ago that we had been trying to work with the public school she has told me that she feels that DS should not go to 1st grade next year and he should attend her extended day program instead. We just had a conference last month where she told me "First or even 3rd grade would not be an academic challenge to your son so why rush things?".

At the same conference she also gave me the developmentally most kids even out by 3rd grade line. I tried to politely disagree but in the end we just agreed that different people and educators have different theories on this topic.

I understand that this is just the beginning. I also put the DYS application in the mail today. It's going to be a long wait.

How are the public schools responding to your request to skip K?

I guess you will obviously not ask this teacher for her recommendation. Is she also the pre-school business owner?

The school is willing to screen him in April with the other K'ers. No promises but not an outright "No". They rarely allow grade acceleration and there is no early entrance policy but there has been some kids over the years that have done it.

The teacher at the Montessori school is the school owner. I also did get a great recommendation for the DYS program from her--it's a good thing I had her fill out before telling her we weren't going to stay next year.

I agree with all that J has said here. Additionally, it sounds as if she may be trying to undermine your confidence to pursue a grade skip into public school so she can retain your business for next year.
I�m glad you�ve already secured her recommendation for DYS. Are you sure she has already sent it in?

She actually gave me back the forms and asked me to include them in our envelope. I hope that the DYS people are ok with that.

This is such a typical response, and so frustrating.

It seems to me that your son's teacher was pretty contradictory. On the one hand, she sent you a letter saying she "almost never sees angry outbursts" but then when you asked about moving to a more appropriate program, she said that he "stills throws tantrums or breaks into tears when frustrated." Well, which one is it? Are they rare or not?

I realize that a kid with abilities that put him in the 1:500 range or whatever is pretty rare and that teachers would be suspicious of claims that he could read when he was 3. But what frustrates me the most is that so many of them don't even seem to care or try to validate the claim. I mean, how hard is it to give the kid a list of words and see if he can read them? Teachers have a responsibility to understand that "B is for Boy and C is for Cat" is too easy for some 5 year olds, and that is that.

Also, too many people seem to buy into the myth that socialization can only happen with exact-age peers. When I was a kid, no one I knew hung around with classmates, and classmates ONLY. We ALL had friends 1 or 2 grades above and below. Besides, socialization happens on a multi-age playground, not during "B is for Boy" time!

And no one seems to get wound up about "redshirted" kids who are a year older than their classmates. Why is this practice okay, but acceleration isn't?

Perhaps you could point out that his frustration may be more serious than she realizes. Maybe it's building up all morning sometimes, and then finally a straw breaks the camel's back and he can't hold back. All young children are too immature to express frustration with words. They simply haven't learned how yet, so they cry.

The problem isn't that a kid will learn to concentrate by sitting still during circle time and by drawing a line from B to Boy. The problem is that a kid can't learn to concentrate until and unless he's presented with material that challenges him. Anything else forces kids to sit still for its own sake, which is a silly idea for a 5 year old.

And forcing a kid to do work that's two or more years below his ability level will most certainly NOT teach him how to sit still or help him "mature" (though it will help make him cynical). I'm not even really sure why people would think it does???

I'm not sure I like the term "asynchronous development" because it implies that completely different qualities should develop at the same time,and that you can't learn to divide until you can sit still in circle time. This seems like a ridiculous idea to me.

Final thing: when people feed me BS about "everyone will catch up by xx grade" I point out that this is because bright kids aren't given a chance to move forward, not because of some magical process of equalization. You can't walk to the end of a road if someone puts a big electric fence in your way and refuses to remove it until some other people "catch up".

Well, that's my rant. Guess I'm still burning from being told that "silent e can damage 5 year olds" last Friday. You are not alone, Crisc!!

Val

Montessori school was WONDERFUL for my son the first year he was there. He was 3.75 when he started, and very quickly his skills were recognized and he was encouraged to work with the kindergarten students, who were mostly six, as they also stressed the benefits of the 3 year program at this school. He was far and away the best reader in the class, although it was an advanced group and almost all of the kindy students were reading. He had a group of age peers who he was great friends with, and then the older kids who he did the more academic stuff with regularly. The trouble came the next year, when my son was "skipped" into kindergarten while he was still four. The huge older group of students had graduated, and now my son hadn't anything close to a group of academic peers. Suddenly he was getting spoken to on a daily basis about leaving his (solitary) work to socialize with the other kids, or to "help" them with their projects. He started to feel bad about himself, and we pulled him after three long and difficult months.

The thing with placements for gifted kids is that they can be a great fit for a while, but you have to be vigilant about ensuring that it continues to be a good fit. Maybe Dottie or Grin can speak more about the constant monitoring and tweaking that they do. It seems that change truly is a constant with these kids!

I hope that next year will be a great one for your son!

I would be upset too. She is just trying to make you feel guilty about moving DS to grade 1 and to deny him "wonderful Montessori experience and just being a kid". You know the typical "you are a pushy parent" tune. Forget whatever she said.

I expect a similar guilt trip when DS Montessori teachers find out that neither DS3 nor DS5 are coming back. I think the fact that DS5 is not coming back is ok (they have been saying that the school wasn't set up for such kids since the 1st week), but the fact that we may hs him will get them going. That will go so nicely with the pushy parent scenario.

Good luck with the other school and DYS application. It will be a long wait, no doubt about that.