Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Children who 'push'

Geo,

I have one of the nurtured heart books. PM me if you want it, I'll mail it to you.

You sound like you have DS8's little brother. Push, scream, tantrum thrower extrordinaire. For the last few months, I have taken a different road with him. I determined that trying to address all of his behaviors wasn't working, so I picked one. For the last couple of months, we've focused on his tone of voice. He needs to be respectful and use manners at ALL TIMES!

In the beginning it felt like I was pounding my head against a post. Slowly, he's come around. If his tone isn't what i'm looking for, I ask him to check it and ignore whatever the request was. When he uses the appropriate tone, I give his request my undivided attention. It doesn't mean he always gets what he wants, but it gets him a lot farther than the old way which was a one way ticket to his room!

It always feels great knowing that you're never alone in all of this! Hello and welcome to my life. Aculady, your child's comments are so similar to my sons! Some days I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Daily, my ds10 is constantly debating over everything we and teachers ask of him. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and at times quite humorous. The different perspective that kid can come up with is well, ... ??? ... hahaha ...ummmmm ... His personality is my daily job. I agree with the nutured heart approach. It helps you stay sane Lol...Hugs your way. I have empahty!

Hi MamaJA,

Not from the library, but a really good UK site with free international delivery for the book you were after:

http://www.bookdepository.com/book/9780910707893/Living-with-Intensity

Hope you get your hands on it soon - one way or the other!

All best,
K x

Please help. �Not to sound desperate. �
I wanted to post on this last night but I got busy. �I'm so eager to say what's bothering me I can't even read all the other posts first. Usually I read the whole thread first. �But this subject is why I first posted on gifted forums to start with, trying to get a grip.
Mine pre-schooler wants to be alpha too. �What else were we expecting when, as the hubby puts it I'm stubborn and my husband's persistent? �Two alphas and a mini me alpha. �It's really showing now with the new baby here. �Started with the nurtured heart approach. �It's a long term goal because it's really self control big enough that it controls the outcome. �Been listening to the dog whisperer about pack mentality and how to calmly claim alpha.�

Besides that what's bothering me is the boy's stubbornness can combine with the right choices and really cause problems IIRC. �I've mentioned if I thought my kid wasn't so gifted I would worry more about teaching him right from wrong. �Maybe I'll dig up the thread later to show how really worried I am. �Last year I mentioned that other two year olds are destructive, mine was a picture straightner. �(eta, he's still got some terrible toddler behavior now and then so he's got normal behavior, he's just got these other tendencies in addition to, and kind of disproportionate). When he was one and could barely talk he would make sure I had my keys, cellphone, and purse before I walked out of the door. �We call him Mr. Observation, that's been his most precocious trait. �IIrc from my childhood adults encourage this "right choices". �And this kid will rarely get in trouble, but any time they do it's suddenly such a big deal. � Then you got a kid who "doesn't listen" and a bunch of adults who doesn't know what to do about it. �
Example. �I recently put 2 boxes of cereal on the table. �I left the cabinet open (planning to pour the bowls and put them back). �The boy tried to close my cabinets. I told him "don't close them, go sit down at the table". �No, the cabinets have to be closed. �The hubby, "Wyatt, listen to your mother.". Starting to cry, "no. The cabinets have to be closed". A good mother would have realized my son was agonizing over his perplexity and explained that I wanted the cabinet open because I was going to put the boxes back. �An authoritative father would expect that his child could handle a simple request like, "go eat cereal, it's not your job to worry" without crying. �I know I tell him stuff, explain stuff most people don't tell three year olds. �And the hubby does too. �Some people think saying, "you'll find out when you're older" makes a better childhood. �The hubby says and I agree, if the boy's old enough to ask a quiestion he's old enough to hear the answer. �(At worst he'll learn not to ask quiestions he doesn't want to hear the answer to). But he has to accept sometimes the 3 year old is not in charge of everything. �"It's not yours, don't touch it" is one of my three house rules. �(it's not yours, don't touch it) (use a normal voice) (don't break everything). �It kind of applies. �So what do I do with this? �It created bad memories of my childhood, teaching me you really can't break this kind of stubbornness. �
http://life.familyeducation.com/aspergers/behavior/40203.html
I've never heard of anyone in my family having autism or aspbergers so I'm not saying that. �But this description is a good description of a similar gifted trait. �Problem is their proposed solution is to always give reasons, well, that will exhasperbate the over-reaction when it happens now and then IRL, and sometimes when I'm not there too.
Any advice besides "don't worry" "quit parenting from a place of fear" or "don't borrow trouble"? �Or am I wrong and I need to have a little faith and quit seeking understanding? �Uh, yeah. �That's not going to happen. �The only handle I have on my own inner logic boy is profound patience and an idea of "simmering on the back burner" being an option. �

I totally agree - with the result and how hard it is to do it!!!

DeHe

La Texican, I hear your plea! When my first son (now 12) was a preschooler, I remember him straightening rugs at friend's houses, always having to walk on one side of the sidewalk, orgainizing products on store shelves, having me say the same exact thing the same exact way before naptime etc...Now I can happily say that he is well over this! It took much patience and a "pick your battles" type mentality on my part, but he eventually just mellowed out haha I think around age 8 or so. He is still a perfectionist at heart though! I remember feeling conflicted between the "he needs to listen to the rules" or to just allow him to endulge in whatever he needed to do to feel "okay" (like shutting the cupboard door or whatever)...sigh, the memories! Hug your way

Thanks Cecilia, the boy picks up trash on the playground and fixes the shelves at the store. Which is fine. I just thought people here could understand my fear from my own childhood when one adult calls another over a confrontation and so many adults involved become more concerned with your unwillingness to drop it than they are concerned with the right answer. Scary. Guess you can't avoid the pain. I think this is a unique pg discipline problem and all the answers I get is that giftedness applies only to educational needs and "best practices" parenting applies the same to all kid's. Except 2 e kids. But I don't know if it's 2e. Stubborness plus gifted equals what? Oe, over-reacting? Haha, how many parents can we tell "I'm less worried about my kid not knowing thing to do, I'm worried about him taking a good thing too far.".

Gone through this once, working on the second time. Ds7 started this around four years old. It didn't end until it reached the point that I took every single toy out of his room. Then I sat down and explained why it was important to be respectful of other people. I told him he could ask questions, but they had to be polite and respectful or I wouldn't discuss it with him. Then I made him earn back every single toy one at a time. He got the opportunity to earn one toy at the end of a day IF he had been good, and IF he did a chore of my choosing. We had a massive pile of toys cluttering up my bedroom for MONTHS before he finally got them back. He still gets a bit of an attitude once in a while, but he has learned to control it better than he did. Of course, now we're starting the same process with my 4 year old. Sigh....I'd like to say I feel more prepared this time, but every time I say that I'm wrong.
Don't worry, you're not alone. And it does get better....eventually....although I don't think it will ever go away completely.

Not sure about the LOG but I do think it is definately tied in with giftedness. Intensity, creativity and persistence combine to create it, I think.

Shari, thank you! I'm in Australia, so postage may be a bit more than you were thinking though.

Thank you too, to the person - I can't find it atm - who spoke about the level of challenge being a problem. I can't believe I didn't think of that. This has absolutely been an issue lately. I was trying to have a quiet few days because we have a few really busy days coming up. HA! Should have know that wouldn't work. That is a whole other tangent though!

La Texican, it is hard! I hope there are some ideas on this thread for you!

We have one of these too! I was hoping with age, we would outgrow it, but that doesn't seem to be the case! We do seem to have in come in spurts with certain ages. It has just reared it's ugly face again recently and I forgot how trying it can be! I find that out of everything I tried, remaining calm myself is the ONLY thing that brings DC to be able to be rational again!