Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 3 groups of HG parents of HG kids - a good model?

Well, the one group(something's wrong w/the school) has disillusion high standards of expectations. They need the patience to cultivate the situation to meet their (kid's) needs, not to believe everyone who accuses them of feeling too entitled and give up, but to realize at the same time it's going to take some time and effort to get what you need. Don't give up. Everything you need is possible.

Here's a differnt, and valuable perspective -

Thanks for sharing anyom, I applaud you for your ability to give your children what you didn't get. You make an excellent point.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Aww thanks!

I'm loving this discussion! Really interesting to hear everyone's perspectives.

I'd been reading this thread and hadn't been able to connect to any of the three groups and wasn't really sure why. Anon's story hit the nail on the head for me. Thanks Anon (and to Grinity for posting it), I hadn't been able to articulate what my story was. I'm always appreciative when I find a piece of puzzle that fits!

Thanks Giftodd!
Any suggestions as what to call your group? Does 'School as Refuge' seem right? Or School as Thrown Rope do it?
Care to speculate on the particular struggles your group faces to do advocacy? Does it seem a sacrilige when ur kids report school troubles? Feel very frightening? Is it harder to tell that the kid isnt being a spoilt brat? Do you speculate that ur group has special strengths in Advocacy?
Love and more Lv
Grinity

Lol I personally like 'School as Thrown Rope' myself. While it was my escape from home, I certainly wasn't in a position to really actually apply myself and spending so much time bending to fit in meant that in reality - for me at least, it was never really cocooning in the way I think of a refuge being. School was by no means perfect, and very hard work (if only I'd applied that effort to my studies rather than fitting in!) but boy was it better than home.

In terms of advocacy, because I didn't idealise school I certainly don't think it's a sacrilege when my dd reports (or more accurately demonstrates) issues with school (preschool at the moment). I feel that I am not too bad at advocacy based on the results that I have achieved (good relationships with educators, my daughter�s need being met � at least to date � I may well prove myself wrong!) I think where I have actually been really lucky with the upbringing I had is that so many of my needs were not met that in my case it eventually dawned on me that as no one else was going to do that for me, I�d have to do it myself (I am very grateful that that is I path I chose, as it could well have been the opposite). I am also very aware that my parents didn�t set out to not meet my needs; they just weren�t in a position to do so. I guess I see school and the broader community as an extension of that � people aren�t deliberately not meeting our kids needs, they often just can�t (due to their own personal beliefs, experiences, circumstances, lack of training and education etc).

My (some might say extreme) self sufficiency means that while she is little, where it becomes really apparent that dd�s need aren�t going to be met and that the situation cannot be resolved (and I�m talking sustained evidence, not just a bad day at preschool), then I will do what I can to find something better. I also encourage her to stand up for herself so when she�s bigger she can advocate for herself. Where my years of training myself to fit in pays off is that I can read people very well, I can ask questions that give me an insight in to what motivates people and respond to them in a way that they find appealing (manipulative much?) The results of those interactions also give me a pretty good indication as to whether or not a situation will work, without burning any bridges.

So I don't really blame 'schools'. I think that as a community (in the broad sense, not just 'the gifted community') we have created a situation where it is really hard for schools to meet the needs of kids who fall outside the 'norm'. I think there is such a culture of competition that it makes it hard for any school to trust parents, I think that government schools aren't adequately funded to go beyond the basics and I think that they have little incentive to do so either. I think the gifted community (and in that I include parents of gifted kids whether the parents identify as gifted themselves or not), don't speak up enough to make giftedness 'normal' in the sense that it's just another set of needs that has a right to be supported. I feel (and I suspect others might disagree) that we spend too much time hoping teachers will �discover� our kids, and put too much effort in to being careful not to tread on any toes. I think we put up with too much substandard treatment. I also think, importantly, that we don't give teachers a chance by not being straight up them about who our kids are. If we keep giftedness a secret, teachers don�t get a chance to respond to it. We put them on the back foot when we hope they find something they are often not trained or experienced in finding and it�s no wonder they�re often then on the defensive when we confront them (however gently) for not finding it. That said, I also think - in Australia at least � we have a fair few teachers among the great ones who should no longer be in the profession, but that�s a general education issue rather than anything gifted specific! - I apologise for the �I thinks�, I am just really aware that this is just my view and it has informed my advocacy.

So perhaps the greatest gift I got from my upbringing is that a problem is rarely caused by just one thing and just how much you have to loose by not speaking up. But also I learnt the value of diplomacy and tied together, while I wouldn�t say I enjoy advocating for my daughter, I feel ok about how I go about it. I wouldn�t presume to speculate on whether other people in my circumstance have come out with the same approach, but so far � it�s been a plus from an advocacy perspective.

Sorry� I got a bit carried away

Shoot, giftodd, you mean you treat people like people and not like two-dimensional charachters who soley say their lines to us and then pause until we see them again? Can you even teach that? There's a book called "the 36 hour negotiating course" that supposedly teaches that skill. I didn't actually read it, I just read about it. I like what you said. I hope my reply comes across that way.

Lol, thanks La Texan - sometimes I feel I walk a fine line between negotiation and manipulation - manipulation having been the auto response for a very long time, so I appreciate your response I do now hope I treat people like the multifaceted beings that they are. I feel very lucky to have had my daughter - discovering giftedness has made me a much nicer person I suspect!

After reading the School as a Rope idea, I have been thinking about how outcomes in these groups are affected by parenting, mentors, role models, and financial circumstances. I never seemed to be in the right place at the right time to find a mentor in college, graduate school, early work environments. Perhaps it was my personality, but I have always thought it was my timing being off.

I have to again promote the movie Louder than A Bomb. The kids in that movie were amazing - 1s, 3s, School as a Ropers.

Any 2s out there?

I also wondered if the 2E folks ended up in Group 2 more often.But I know one who is definitely group 1. And some of my family members used their 2Eness to 'cancel' their giftedness and become group 3ers.