Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 3 groups of HG parents of HG kids - a good model?

Your post has certainly given me food for thought. In fact, when I read it the other day I decided I needed to think about my experiences as a gifted kid before I posted a response.

School wasn't a good fit for me, but I was always basically happy in general (just my personality). I remember, though, being sad when all my best friends were in the top reading group and were therefore tested for the gifted program in K and I was not. It turned out that in K I was diagnosed with a lazy eye and very bad eyesight, and when my eye problems were fixed I was immediately an excellent reader. But, I'd seemingly missed the boat with the gifted testing. For two more years I'd watch sadly as all my best friends got to go to the gifted pull-out while I did not, so in 3rd grade I told my mom that I wanted her to tell the school to test me. They did and I easily made the cut. I guess I just knew that I belonged with those people. So, it didn't occur to my parents to advocate for me until I asked them, but they did support me when I advocated for myself. (BTW: A few years later they changed the requirements for getting into the gifted program and we all had to retest, and I was the only one of my friends to still qualify.)

By the time I got to middle school virtually all my friends were 1-3 years older than me and it bothered me quite a bit that they got to take advantage of some great programs for older kids that I did not, simply because of my age. I felt like I was older and fit in with the older kids best, and I remember asking if I could skip a grade. My parents agreed that I could handle higher level work, but I had (have) a twin brother for whom that wouldn't have been a good move (probable undiagnosed LD) and so I stayed where I was. So, I just continued to hang out with the older kids, resent always being "too young," and mostly breeze through school learning no study skills whatsoever until college. However, I loved school since I knew I was good at it, and I did come through life knowing that I could become anything I wanted to do if I just put my mind to it. Still, there were definitely moments in college when I changed the course of my life because I gave up way too easily when something was a challenge (e.g., organic chemistry) because I thought that if it didn't come easily to me that I should do something else instead.

So, that has been my motivation for advocating for my HG kids. They, too, are basically happy people who don't complain about how easy things are in school for them, although they do take note of it and tell me about it. And I am not a general rabble-rouser who likes to cause trouble. But, when I saw that my kids needed more -- like when I saw I needed more -- I felt compelled to ask for it. I still hate asking for more and more each time my kids grow out of their current accommodations, but I bite the bullet and do it. I just want them to learn new things at school, to learn to put in some work, and to learn to stick with something that doesn't come easily.

Just feeling isolated... It doesn't seem to bother dd or dh as much as it get to me. We are hoping to get some big school news this week. I really want to feel optimistic about dd's schooling.

Yeah, I suppose so, Grinity. If you like parts of it too, it's harder to decide the school must be the problem and more likely that you'll think it's you, I guess.

I often feel like I'm still coming to terms with my own experiences of schooling, giftedness etc. I'm not sure I've even got to my children sometimes

I decided something was wrong with school... and with pretty much every other institution I knew of by extension. It's made me a bit of a radical. The other day, DH told me he sometimes goes allong with me when he doesn't realy agree because I'm "really wierd" and he's just "trying to be wierd." <blink> <pause> <hunh?>

Anyway, DS is going for an SLP assement, and I'm ridiculously scared, and I'm pretty sure it's because my distrust of "the system" is just so deep I can't convince myself that it's gonna be ok.

But I was a bad fit even in the full-time gifted programme... it wasn't just lack of challange that did me in. I might be an extreme case

-Mich.

Dh and I were both group two types. The difference for us is that he, to this day, remains of the mindset that there is a problem with him. I, on the other hand, realized what had been wrong with me my entire life once we figured out what was "wrong" with dd12. It totally changed my view of myself and did wonders for my self image.

Perhaps it was more deeply entrenched for dh b/c he was not a stellar student. I imagine that he could have been dx with a LD but the concept of accepting that the thing wrong with him was not a negative or flaw is not an easy one to swallow for him. He still throws out zingers like, "they've got some of me in them as well. They're really going to struggle" when dd12 has a question about her math, for instance. Well, heck, the kid started accelerated algebra in 8th grade at age 11 and has an A in the class. I don't think that asking the occassional question indicates that she's going to fail math. Fortunately, dd12's self image is pretty intact. We have to watch it more with our little one.

I'm definitely in the second group, though I have learned not to blame myself these days. DC20's struggles to fit into the school system mirrored a lot of my own issues in school, as well as my own reading/discussions on HG+ kids, helped me see that I was not the "dumb kid" or the "bad kid." I am happy that DC20 is a resilient kid and has emerged from some unhappy times at school without internalizing it or dismissing school...

Yippee! and Yippee to all the 2nd groupers who have learned to appreciate their good qualities and see themselves in a balance way. I do think it's possible, it just takes time, and the perspective of seeing our kids sure helped me!

Cricket2 - I celebrate the growth you've made from your early group 2 days! I suspect you are right that your DH got hit with 'both barrels' of being blocked from learning and getting poor grades as well. And yes, his zingers could pose a problem for the kids. It's hard to change someone else, but I don't think that is a reason not to try. I would be sure to find an opportunity every day to beam at DH whenever he shows any intelligent functioning at all. Perhaps verbalizing your appreciation for his intelligence will catch his defensiveness, but do it silently - he can read your face.

It will take a while, but you do have reality on your side!
Smiles,
Grinity

I would guess that about 1 in 10 kids are just too gifted for the full time gifted programe. But it could be some thing else - who knows? Being a smart female has been hard in some places and times - perhaps even in the place and time you were in.

I find it very interesting that your distrust of one institution spread to institutions in general. Even as a group 2er, I had a certian amount of this. It didn't really change until I got to know my son's friends and watched them very carefully through the preschool and early elementary years. We live in a town that takes pride in it's excellent schools and wins awards, etc. I was shocked to discover that school isn't 'terrible' for everyone. Perhaps as your child grows you'll get a chance to know some of his friends and observe the same thing. Perhaps not.

Bottom line - it is really hard to trust, or at least to play along to see is trust is possible. Good luck. I have a wonderful feeling about this 'turn of the wheel.'

Love and More Love,
Grinity

((giggle)) Well yes, there is that...
But I suspect you are doing a very good job, no matter what it feels like.
Grinity