Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "The teachers don't like me"

DD12 is in her first year of middle school at a charter 7-12 grade school. She is in geometry but the other language arts acceleration from elementary did not follow her. She is bored in three classes. She said she feels her teachers do not like her except one. I also feel a bit like they do not like her except the same teacher who is her science teacher and marvels at the way DD's mind works. I told DD that middle school is different since there are so many teachers and the teachers have more students so they do not have time to really interact. She also complained about being embarrased about asking questions and that she asks to many or so she thinks her teachers think. Is it normal making that switch to middle school to feel like the teachers do not like you? We have a gifted middle school program but she refuses to try it. The charter school is open and the students have a lot of freedom. I wonder if she would be better off in the gifted program, but am reluctant to force her. Any experience or thoughts etc. I am very grateful for.

This is a tough one. I would perhaps insist that she spend one day 'shadowing' the gifted program before she decides if it's for her.

I would also suggest that she take notes on her questions and then ask them later during office hours or via email. Or bring them to the family dinner table, or do 'google races' with you or you and some siblings later.

It is a bit of an adjustment to teachers who teach 100 students a day. It would be fun to make a game out if it. Perhaps give DD 10 buttons and ask her to give you 'the blue one' or 'the biggest one' or 'the nicest 3' through out the day. Then the next day give her 100 buttons, and ask the same sorts of questions. I'll bet she could do it, but would gain a hands on experience of how much harder it is.

The advantage of middle school is that one doesn't have to spend all day with a teacher that 'doesn't like' one.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Also remember that forcing is acceptable if needed. Bribing is acceptable. Arm twisting is acceptable. And perhaps letting her fully 'enjoy' being with teachers who don't like her is the best 'natural consequence' of all.

Here's my newest version of 'I told you so.'

Kid: Mom - the teacher's don't like me.
Me: I'll bet you know what I'm going to say next, right?
Kid: That if I had chosen the gifted class then the teachers would like me but it was my choice. And next time I'll make a better choice. Right?
Me: You are so perceptive - good job!

It sounds snotty and sarcastic when I write it down, but I've been able to do it sincerely in a variety of circumstances lately and been loving it!

Smiles,
Grinity

I agree with Grinity - see if she can test out the gifted program. I think she'll like it, to be honest. Since my oldest is only 7, I have limited experience with this as a parent. But I do remember when I was a child, I don't remember a single person (myself included) who wasn't ten times happier in a more challenging class. The other thing about that is that she'll be with other kids with similar abilities. So she won't have to worry about being considered a "nerd" or the "teacher's pet" just because she chooses to learn something.

Gifted and magnet schools draw teachers who are brighter and not intimidated easily. Middle School teachers are different than those choosing to teach in elementary. They are usually not the types to "mother" students.

I would give anything to have another option - such as a gifted school. My daughter is in 8th grade now.

When 'forcing' us kids to do stuff, my mom always used to tell the story of my grandmother, offering my mom 'do you want to go to summer camp?' Year after year until my mom finally went and said to my grandmother:

My mom, as a teen:"Why didn't you force me to go to summer camp? It was so great! I can't believe I missed all those summers of fun!"
Grandmother: "But dear, I told you what I thought, you are the one who decided not to go all those years."
My mom: "I'm a kid, what am I supposed to know!!?! You are the adult. You are supposed to know better!"

In other words - you can look forward to 'being blamed' for what you do and for what you don't do, so you may as well follow your heart.

Not that I'm saying 'always force a kid' - I just want to remind you that applying pressure, sometimes considerable pressure is sometimes part of the job.


smiles,
Grinity

D15 can be pretty reluctant to try new stuff. Generally if it is important, I ask her to give it a try, with the deal that she does not have to continue if the first try is not to her liking. Usually that works pretty well. For example, she was very reluctant to try Quiz Bowl at school. I prodded her to go to few practice, and promised that I would let her drop if she did not enjoy it after that. It is now her favorite activity of all.

So I agree that seeing if she can go shadow for a day at the gifted school would be a good thing.

I am a middle school teacher and can relate to both sides. You may want to have your daughter talk to the teachers privately. The issue may be when she is asking the question and the depth that she wants to go into. At that point in class it is hard to stop for the in depth answer she needs and wants that only a few will follow. I am sure that the teacher would be happy to assist her and encourage during some other part of the day. I know that I love to get a kid started on some project or investigation to pursue a question or interest.
Sometimes I have students write down questions that come up on post its and give to me after class. That way I can group common questions and see if there is a thread to them and that will drive my response the next class. I also agree about shadowing the gifted program. Middle school kids can be notorious for avoiding the new and embarressing themselves.

Grinity ~ I was hoping you would respond as you have a lovely blunt but eloquent and compassionate way of responding. Grinity and vicam I like the idea of suggesting she write her questions down first and ask later. I do not know if it will work for her. She has tons of energy and when it goes toward something it is full blast but then the focus changes and it is gone. I can not imagine she will care once class is over. Currently it is the social thing that has her focus. Intparent~ I think the new thing is hard and also saving face as she choose this school. Ellipses~ yup they are not "mother" types. She came from a small charter school with the same teacher for fourth and fifth and the same sixth grade teacher as her fourth grade math (acceleration into sixth grade math). I have more to say but DD is here and so must run. Thank you for ur replies.