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Today was DS6's second day of school and he has said that he is really happy and things are going great (of course it is the 2nd day of school). His school is working with him and he is already one grade accelerated and subject accelerated beyond that. In a week they are putting him in a 4th grade math class (and are going to transport him to another school to make this work). Like I said, they have been amazing and he loves his math coordinator and teacher and has seemed to love going to school. Anyhow, so today he took a math puzzle book on the bus to work on and he had been begging me to bring it since he has a 30 minute commute. It is geared towards 5th - 7th graders. When I talked with him after school he said that he had worked on the book but he didn't want others to see it. He wouldn't say much more. So at bedtime I kind of brought it up again to ask about what would make him feel like he needed to hide it. He didn't answer so I just told him that I don't ever feel like he needs to hide what he likes or what he is interested in and that he shouldn't feel like he is different because he likes those things. He then started to get a little teary and started talking about feeling different, and feeling like he doesn't fit in, and feeling like there is no one out there like him, and feeling lonely and unsure of what to say to other kids, and feeling like he doesn't belong in 2nd grade, and feeling unsure because all the kids are new and he doesn't know them yet, and feeling like they are going to laugh at him if he tells them what he likes or is interested in. We had a great long conversation about this, but it was heartbreaking to hear. I figured this day would come but I didn't realize he could be that articulate about his feelings. He still says he does like school a lot and he has talked excitedly about school. I do think part of it has to do with being in a new grade with new kids (there is not one kid in his class from last year). I told him that he needs to keep telling us how he feels and that there are several other things he has in common with other kids and that he needs to find them (he is quite social and extroverted). Anyhow, we talked for a while and he seemed to feel a lot better and was happy to be able to talk about it. Before this time he has never even acknowledged being different at all even though I know he must know and he knows he is way ahead of what others are learning at his age. It just makes me sad to know he is feeling so different and saying he doesn't want to be different from the others.

I thought I would share our story and see if any others have had a similar story like this or had their kids open up about their feelings.

Hi,
Oh I feel for you and your son. But it is very good that he was able to articulate his feelings.

Yes, it typically takes a bit of time for us before child speaks up. Sometimes it is in the evening at bed time or it isn't until the weekend where we've had some quieter decompressing time.

Have you considered looking beyond your school for other kids? Is there a gifted support group near you that you could meet other families of gifted kids? That might help a little bit, or at least make it more tolerable. It does feel better to know there are other kids out there.

I was wondering, would it be possible to start a math club in the school he attends, or for the county maybe, so he could meet others who are like-minded? I've found sometimes that a new road needs to be paved when no road is visible.

Thanks, good ideas. He will be starting Math Olympiads in a couple weeks with a 4th grade team. He may do odyssey of the mind too again this year. He is generally a very happy good natured kid, so it really surprised me to hear him talk like that. I think he was extra emotional because he was tired, but he definitely does have those feelings in there about just not fitting in. We get together with other kids and friends kids and he has a great time. We do hiking, outdoor stuff, etc and he loves it and loves when other kids come. They really enjoy spending time with him too. I have yet to see kids not interested in him or rude to him. But I think when it comes down to it, he just isn't sure how to relate. We are in DYS and have gotten together for some gatherings, just no too many kids right around us and was unsuccessful in setting up a gathering this summer. Will keep trying I guess. He knows a few gifted kids. But he is still quite different from them. He doesn't really know and/or talk to PG kids that much (except at the couple of gatherings we have been to).

Shellymos,
I know it's heartbreaking, but overall, he is a really happy kid. Part of being alive is having so many different feelings - he's really lucky that he has you to share that part of himself with, even if it's only a small part.

Part of me wants to tell you to do more Gifted things - like Beyond IQ conference in Boston this Spring, and part of me wants to tell you to avoid gifted things so he doesn't know how much he is missing. DS14 always comes home from MIT's Splash and CTY summer camp feeling so happy and so sad. LOL@me - not great advice here.

But the main thing is that YOU did the right thing.

Another thing that helped us was digging up HG and PG cousins - we shook that family tree pretty hard. Also, at the dinner table, I'd just start talking about what other YS kids are doing from what I'd read on the elists, as if they were cousins and I was just reporting on 'family news.' Hearing about other kids who skipped and subject acc'd really helped even if he never saw them. At Davidson events I tried to arrange to getting 'roomates' with other families, so that DS was sure to interact with other similar kid(s) - and I save on hotel bills! We don't drive to an event if we can carpool. Little practices build up after a while.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Thanks Grinity,
He is a really happy kid and I knew he realized how different he was, he just has never said anything about it before. I had hoped in some ways he felt more normal. But I think he definitely does feel like he fits in at times and I see him interact and have lots of fun with kids.

So funny that you mentioned to talk about what other kids do. I mentioned a few things last night when we were talking. I told him that there are other kids that are subject accelerated that much and even more and he was shocked/excited to hear it.

I totally agree with wanting him in more of those programs, but in some ways not. He has done some programs with gifted kids and he does enjoy it. It's kind of hard to do much of that around here as we don't have "gifted education" and don't label kids as "gifted". He did a math class last year through a program that was for several weeks on Saturdays and he LOVED it. He still talks about it a lot. He talks about the few DYS gatherings we have been to more than I would have expected too. The first couple events he didn't even know what they were because I wasn't really sure how to explain it to him. I had explained briefly but it wasn't a really good explanation. He still seemed to understand though because he was talking about it and asking about it a lot afterwards.

Thanks again!

Shelly,

BTDT... Lucky for you that your son started talking before it became an issue. My DS at 5 suddenly developed a "holier than thou" attitude. He got really cocky and not a lot of fun to be with. Turned out it was his defense against his "difference". We got it worked out eventually and he knows now that there are better ways to deal with it.

What has worked really well for us is what I refer to as situational friendships. He has friends that he loves to go camping with etc but would never consider for an evening Spore marathon. Different friends for different activities.

His attitude about himself has also changed a lot since he started his new school. He walked in terrified the first day. The teachers and the other kids have been awesome, convinced him that he IS where he should be in spite of a 5 year age difference. They all treat him just like any other kid at school, albeit a short one...LOL

Your DS sounds so much like mine..... It will work out, have faith Momma!

Oh yes, we have the bedtime tears around here every so often. It is heartbreaking, not knowing what to say or if there is anything that can make it better. We don't have anything of any gifted sort around here, and it's too far to go to any events out of the area. The school is excellent for him, but when he winds down at night and starts thinking about things, that's when we get in trouble.