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When DD10 was little, she often chose books over people. She barely spoke in preschool and hated crowds -- so much that we stopped going to BIG birthday parties. She did fine with the family and small play dates. I tried to follow her lead and find situations where she could be herself. I tried to find balance through activities. I found that structured group events like music class or dance class worked best for her. Dance class in particular let her perform in a group but she didn't have to talk.

At 10, DD is an introvert but is not shy in a way that limits her ability to get along in life. DD dances, plays sports and has just started an instrument. Ironically, she recently expressed an interest in acting. She has one best friend and a couple secondary friends. She doesn't get involved in popularity contests because she doesn't care. She is fiercely independent and self-motivated. Her teacher knows that on the rare occasions when she raises her hand, DD often gives deep and thought provoking comments. She is a voracious reader and prefers to spend her time with a good book. I have worked with her about when it is okay to lose yourself in a book (a weekend afternoon with no other activities) and when it is not (during dinner at grandma's). Have there been times when I wished she were more outgoing? Definitely (like when she wouldn't answer the phone for fear of having to talk to someone she didn't know.) At the same time, it is who she is.

Please try to find peace with who your DD is.

As a kid, I would often bury myself in my books. This irritated my mother. She would tell me to stop wasting time and that I should go out and play. I often found this puzzling since I wasn't bothering anyone sitting in my room reading. I can assure you that my hours spent reading only benefitted me later in life. The majority of my formal education, including law school, required vast amounts of reading.

Reading yannam's posts, I really get her situation and I do not think it fair that we patronize her. Like she wrote about our attitudes when our stomachs are full.

DH's college roommate, Harvard, Harvard Law, great job. wife Harvard and law too. They went to parent night at Styvescant and saw the AP math teacher. They said they were the only non Asian parents in the room. One set of parents brought a translator because they couldn't speak English. Their biggest concern was why chapters were skipped in the book. They wanted to make sure their child was learning every single thing. This HS is 31 in the country and 2nd in that National Merit Scholars list of HS's.

These parents were hungry and desperate for their children to learn everything and succeed. There was a discussion on MSNBC recently about colleges, costs, loans and they said the trend was for everyone to go to college but now, since we have limited job opportunities, that you have assess with your child whether it is worth it to go to college and for what and figure out if the loan costs bear out the training and type of job.

The reactions to yannam's posts are not practical in today's situation. Not the 60s anymore and although my concerns are a little different, I am in the same vein.

Since we have talking heads describing the lack of opportunities for our graduates and future grads, I think her concerns have basis in them and if helping her child develop stronger social skills helps her succeed, there is nothing wrong with that. It just gives her child more options.

DD wants to try for the NYCB school in April. She has closed hips and not the natural ballerina. So I told her that if she wants it, then she has to stretch everyday, starting now to train her body to lift the leg more. Maybe yannam understands more about what her child may want or not want, that she hasn't fully described and her anxiety about her ability to go after it is lost, or maybe not. But the full stomach comment made me read her posts differently.


Ren

i do not want my dd a failure.. may be i am too much worried that being shy, not being able to speak up make her a failure

that is all.....

you can not change the destiny.......

wren--- i could not understand ..they are only non asian... and AP math teacher
can you explain

Yannam, this seems like it may be a cultural difference, and maybe partly a "dad" difference (I see from a previous post that you are a father).

I agree with the posters that your D is working hard on educating herself with her reading. You should be very proud of this! It sounds like you were... you have applied for DYS, and had been boasting about her reading. But it seems like it was a blow to your ego when she did not perform as you expected in front of a crowd. You have a very long road to go as a parent with her. My daughters are in college and late high school, so I know that there are MANY twists and turns in your journey ahead.

You need to give serious thought to what kind of relationship you want with her, and how you want that path to unfold. If you make it clear to her that she is not acceptable because she is not "bold enough" or "not dumb enough" for you, you are setting yourself up for a conflict around personality traits that she can't control. You will likely ruin your relationship with her, in my opinion. Do you want your daughter to remember her childhood with you as one where she was pressured to be someone who she is not, and where you wanted her to hide or stop using her intellect? That isn't the basis of a loving lifelone relationship, in my opinion.

My gifted D (who is shy and loves to read) is also a tremendous writer, debater, entomologist, and philosophy student. If I had to guess, she will either be a crack attorney or scientist of some kind as an adult. She also has very high SAT scores, especially on the verbal side. If you can't accept that shy people can find career success (and they can, there are many ways to success besides being Donald Trump!!), at least know that her reading is building her verbal skills, which will likely help her to very strong SAT Critical Reading and Writing scores. Possibly even helping her get scholarship money to college. So if it helps you, think of every book she reads as contributing to good SAT scores and college merit aid later on...

Just because a child is gifted (and accepted to DYS) does not mean that they are perfect. Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. Your D was blessed with a sharp mind. It would be ridiculous (and futile) to try to stifle that. Sometimes I catch myself expecting my D to act older than she is or gifted in ALL areas, but that is not realistic. So I try to help her in the areas where she needs to grow. But in small steps, and with gentle words as much as possible -- works the best, and preserves our relationship so she is open to listening to me.

I've read this whole thread and I haven't read a single patronizing message. I did read a lot of posts that disagree with Yannam, which isn't the same thing as being patronizing.

I know lots of people who survived poverty (many in my family) and survived without telling their kids "I'd rather you were dumb than shy."


Perhaps we need a bit more of the 60s. Today's situation of focusing on education as a route to money and on getting money as an honorable primary life goal have not exactly got this country into a good state.



That's not what I've been reading. I've been reading "Shyness is such a horrible thing that I wish my child was dumb and outgoing instead so she could become a manager like I want her to."

Not sure why people take talking heads seriously.


Five year olds can't be failures. Full stop.

Val

Hope this doesn't add fuel to the fire. Reading this reminded me of some articles by Philip Guo about cultural differences in parenting and the conflicts this creates.
http://www.stanford.edu/~pgbovine/asian-parents.htm
http://www.stanford.edu/~pgbovine/understanding-asian-parents.htm

Minnie, I find it hard to believe that you're 70 years old with three kids. �Here's a favorite quote from an old hippy named Day who lives up in Woodstock. "You be you, let me be me. �Only possibility I can see, for a world in harmony". �Yeah, I'm a card carrying Woodstock woman too. �But I draw the line at wearing tie-dye.

Yannam has said his daughter was pg and the literature on the net says pg kids are at risk of dropping out at the same rate as disabled kid (I wanna say it was 15%)-high risk. �I'm inclined to agree with the many mothers here that a large portion of those are probably due to family problems and running away from home to avoid the drama. �There's also so many who have a stable, supportive homelife who just don't do anything with their gifts to consider. ��
So while I'm not sure shyness is the cause of failure, I'm more inclined to believe a stable supportive home-life with discipline and consistency on behalf of the parents contribute to long lasting success. �I don't believe 5 is too young to consider your child's retirement. �I don't believe it's wrong to seek ways to set them up for success. �It's popular today, but may not be right to suggest kids should be trusted enough to drop full responsibility for their lives in their own lap. �Ultimately in the end it is theirs, but why would we need parents if they're not going to give us tools and help us?

�I agree with Lucounu, maybe she's self-conscious because she's afraid the kids will pick on her for being different or for being too smart. �Or maybe it is just stage-fright.

I wasn't kidding about buying her flashy clothes. �Depend on her age either a few princess pieces or something trendy and fashionable it might help bring her out of her shell. �Feng shui.

Hi Yannam,
The book I mentioned is for kids who are sensitive and intense. The author has lots of experience with kids who were being diagnosed with ADHD, but responded really well to his coaching of their parents and then didn't look like they had ADHD. I'm just reporting not agreeing or disagreeing here.

What I like about the book is that it helps parents be BOTH 'a leader' of their child, AND 'sensitive to the child's emotional needs.'

Seems kind of like having one's cake and eating it too, yes?

Which chapter books does she like? Are the Magic Tree House books too hard, too easy or just right? Does she have a favorite book or series? Does she like books about sports, fairys, science, friends?

Smiles,
Grinity

How

thanks everybody for wonderful discussion and suggestions