Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Recommended Resources Nurtured Heart Approach in a Nutshell

Here's a link to a short interview with Howard Glasser about how he developed the Nurtured Heart Approach.

http://www.iam-u.org/index.php/howard-glasser#more-189

Love and More Love,
Grinity

What a cool interview, Grinity--thanks for posting!

Tks for this, Grinity. Will be listening to the podcast.

The NHA approach is doing wonder for DS and I!

Thanks for posting this Grinity. Today was one of those days that I wished I could of taken back much of what I said trying to get my child to think more about others.

I have been saying for years, I know we give too much attention to negative behavior in my family. I'm not sure what keeps getting in my way of this change. I'm wondering is this easy for everyone?

Do you really just ignore everything negative? And then the negative behaviors stop?

i did really well using nurtured heart approach about a year ago with my daughter. I think it is hard to do it "all"... but for us we saw dramatic improvements doing things we knew we could do consistently, then building from there. For example, we now always use the time-out method described in the book.. after years of huge fights just trying to get her to GO to time-out.. i can now just turn my head away from her and she KNOWS she is in time-out and must make a sincere effort in order to get out of it..It is so powerful.

But i also wouldn't say that ignoring negative behaviors just make them stop... that almost sounds like you should act like you don't care and they will stop. This reminds me of my own family where my parents just "gave up" and things defintiely did not get better, but worse.. So that is not the answer.

I think a better way to desribe the approach is to neutralize things to the point where your child does not see that he/she is "getting to you". But definitely there must be consequences - we use the time out i described earlier.. Then replace the void you've created (since the old behavior fulfilled a need in your child) with lots of interest and attention at other times.

For us it really wasn't hard.. we had one bad day when we first started doing it because she was so shocked that we'd changed the game. I now know that it was a good sign- called an "extinction burst" where she was basically testing whether she could be so bad that the old reaction from us would come back.. but since we were very strong it went away quickly.. and the next day the improvements began.
irene

We also have recently started using the NHA and love it. A lot of it is changing the parents behavior instead of other techniques that tell you how to change your child's behavior. I enjoyed this interview! Nan

I can borrow the video from the library but thought I would get one of the books by Glasser. Does it matter which book I start with?

If you read 'Transforming the Difficult Child' make sure it's the 2008 version, the early one is just too early. Also - Glasser is super 'against' medication, particularly in his early career, so take that with a grain of salt, ok? The video might be from the early days - so be careful - the 'time out' - called 'Reset' is much better now than in the video.

OTGmom - since your kids behave well, I'd start with "All Children Flourishing: Igniting The Greatness of Our Children"

For parents with their hand 'really full' I'd start with Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook: An Interactive Guide to The Nurtured Heart Approach. It's meant to be a workbook, but I think it does well on it's own.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Wanted to flesh out more on what I like about NHA- it's the only programme that leaves me and my son optimistic and positive. Truly, looking for what my son has done right and saying it is slowly changing my mindset into a more happy one.

In the last several years, because I find myself having to out talk my first class debater, I've become more insistent, negative, and even harsh just to get my point across. I'm hopeful that the NHA mindset has put a stop to this spiral. Of course I've already slipped up, but I've seen my son react very positively, so I'm determined to climb back on again.

It's a long slippery road, but I'm motivated.

[I have the "really full" variety, so I did indeed start with the Workbook.]

A local NTA teacher talks about 'Inner Authority' - a way to withstand the insistent, nagging, lawyering energy that comes our way and stay sure of ourselves without increasing the volume or falling out of a loving tone.

It's not mentioned in the Nurtured Heart written material, but everytime you resist the bait, and stay confident, mentally pat yourself on the back for staying in your 'Inner Authority.' Resetting ourselves to greatness is what it's all about.

LOve and More Love,
Grinity

Wow Irene! Well done. There is so much to learn, and you took a very reasonable approach. Do you see changes in your daughter's "inner wealth?"

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I hope this is ok to post, but I just got a link to an online NHA class, taught by Howard Glasser himself, starting in September.

I'm seriously considering signing up.

http://www.icohere.com/TDC/index.htm

Thanks for your Message Grinity-
I watched the whole 3 DVD collection. For this in itself - I give myself a pat on the back. Unfortunitly, I watched the 2004 version but I think I got a lot out of it.

I did the technique 1st thing this morning. My DS did his morning list without anyone telling him so I gave a complement. I thought I will focus on the morning routinue to try and get it better, even though it's not too bad. I will also try to notice some good stuff through the day.

I was wondering if you think it is necessary to have the point/credit system? I'm not a big fan of that. My kids usually don't respond to this type of positive rewards. I see the point of something in place to keep the parent in check. I wonder if there is another way? I know I will not be perfect but then I would just remind myself to try again.

I question that NHA seems like it all about pleasing the parents. I think the child is better to please themselves.

The DVDs made me think about the school we just left and how some teachers used negative behavior to take away points. This was so upsetting to my kids. They really disliked the table group discipline.

I hope our new school is different. I do feel like there is so much about wanting to be a great school. So it's hopeful.

Absolutely not necessary to use the credit system. In the old days before 'time outs' became 'reset' the credit system was used as a carrot/stick to get kids to do a 'in chair' time out. Now that we parents are totally empowered to reset anytime anywhere without cooperation from the child, it's no longer an issue.

We tried credit system for about 3 months in hopes of getting screen time under control. That didn't happen, but other parts of our family life improved.

I don't see NHA as being all about pleasing the parents, but I do think that 'we are their favorite toy' - so alot of children's lives is already about getting a reaction (positive or negative) from the parents (or siblings.) If that is a reality in your house, then you may as well give 'emotional nutrition' that not only pleases the parents but increases the child's inner strength. Afterall, what pleases us parents is to see our children responding to life with more and more inner strength, instead of going after the 'emotional junkfood' of the negative attention.

Good luck with the new school OTGmom!
Grinity

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate your helpfulness.

I haven't ordered my copy yet. �I definately will. �Just looking at the preview shed some light on one recent problem. �Almost everytime I get on the phone with somebody my son stops whatever he's doing and comes over to where I'm at and literally tries to talk over me, just like that talking stain on the Tide commercial. �Same thing with my husband. �I've been pausing my conversation and telling him, "I'm on the phone. �Leave me alone or I'm going in the other room.". We frequently have to go in the other room and close the door to finish a conversation. �I thought it was age related. �He gets enough attention. �I was confused because I thought it was attention-seeking behavior. �Now I understand that it might be because we talk faster and become more animated when having a conversation on the cellphone and it's the extra energy attracting him. �
So what would the system have us do to correct this situation? �We've just been consistent in telling him to stop, warning him we're going in the other room, then following through. �

My son does the exact same thing, drives me crazy! Or, when I pay attention to my six month old, he literally puts his face infront of mine and talks to the baby. I can't figure out if he wants my attention or wants the cute reaction of the baby. I wish I had advice for you but I don't know what to do. Just thought it might help to know that you're not alone!

I've only just begun with this but... The DVD NHA suggest to get creative so it's easy to show the child success. If you could get someone to help you with some planned phone calls that would help.Make a very quick phone call to a friend as soon as you hang up say "you were so good to let me have an uninterrupted phone call, I appreciate that." When he interrupts try to avoid any attention to his undesired behavior, just walk away. NHA would say talking to him about leaving the room is fueling the undesired behavior.

This is not on NHA but...
You might use a signal of quiet or one minute when on the phone. The point is to give as little attention to undesired behavior as possible.

If a child does something wrong they get a quick time out. I am not ready to use time outs for phone interruptions because I need to save the time out for other stuff. I don't think it is good to overdo time outs. After the time out is done, compliment them on a good time out - "you did just what I asked, I appreciate that". Don't talk about the bad behavior now. Don't ask for a appology, that will come in time. Just focus on the good.

This is not on NHA but...
I find my DS to have strong motivation and he takes in more of my messages away from the moment. When there is a repeating undesired child behavior situation it works best for me to have a short talk with him that suggests why our family/freindship would benefit from a change. I find this hard to remember to do but very powerful. My son does not always notice I am on the phone becuase he is looking at what he wants to show me. I have been trying to encourage him to look at people when he talks to them.

One of the NHA examples was a Dad started this approach with a boy who was good about putting on his seat belt. As soon as the boy did it the Dad said "Please put on your seat belt". Boy responded "I've already put on my seat belt." Dad - "That's great I appreciate you knowing what was needed and you just did it with out me asking." This boy was doing so many things wrong that the Dad had to look for something right, that we normally don't notice.

This kid hardly got to hear he was doing a good job. This was a start to fuel good behavior with attention that kid's crave. Bad behavior attention fuels bad behavior.

If anyone would like to comment on my "not NHA but...approaches" please do. I'm thinking that the NHA approach could work with a little flexiblity.

OTGMom -
Wow - seems like you've caught the spirit of NHA so well, after so short a time! I'm impressed.

My thought is that I can't wait until you learn about the reset, as I'm guessing that the 2004 tape probably showed a 'time out' that was a sort of big deal.

The reset, is something that is such a little deal that one might not mind using it 30 times a day if they had to - just a calm 'bummer broke a rule' and a big fuss the minute the child stops the broken rule behavior, even if only to catch their breath, or wonder why mom isn't yelling (LOL!!)

The idea is to reset after little infractions and not let things build up to the point where there the parent is feeling quite put upon.

((Caution to lurkers - don't introduce the resets until the child has gotten used to the compliments, and can 'take a compliment' well, and you yourself have gotten comitted to the idea that a child can't learn anything while things are going wrong. The idea that children need our energy doesn't make them bad, it's just the way things are, so positive energy has to be reliably in place before it works to remove the negative energy.))

For me, the happy welcoming back after the reset is the hardest, and saying 'reset' aloud is the 2nd hardest. Luckily at our house they evolved into 'microresets' which I can do:

DS: MA, GET ME A PENCIL
Me:((facial expression that expresses that I'm mildly suprised, as if the kitchen table was suddently making a vote for what we should have for dinner. Quickly followed by me turning away and focusing on something else))
DS: Oh. ((facial expression that show that he suddenly remembered that it's against the rules to adress me in that tone of voice.)) Hey, ma, sorry about the tone of voice. Next time you are passing this way, would you bring me a pencil?
Me: Sure. Thanks for asking so nicely. It shows that you are respectful.

Mind you, if DH is around he will be quite steamed that DS is even asking me to bring him a pencil, or that I'm willing to bring the pencil. And there is part of me that is so embarrassed that a child of mine, at this age still forgets and acts like one of the bad children from Willie Wonka. But this is, compared to what it was, a big step forward for us.

I don't think that all children are 'negative attention junkies' or even that all gifted children are negative attention junkies. And I know for a fact that not all unusually gifted, male,unaccomidated at school,only children are negative attention junkies, because I've met one or two along the way. But boy-oh-boy, I think that there are plenty who are, and hope that if NHA is as useful to those families as it was to mine, that the word gets out.

((And believe me, once my son hit the school system, I got told over and over about how older, professional parents like myself tend to spoil our only children, which I still resent. Somehow blaming me - however nicely - didn't seem like it was going to fix things for my son at school. Personally I think that some intense kids cause themselves to be only children, and that gifted kids with siblings are much less isolated and less unacommidated, in general, than unusually gifted kids without siblings.))

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I told my husband I ordered the program. Then I said, not that he's a difficult child, but we need a plan for the difficult moments. We've got the easy parts under control. I said 72 out of 87 reviews on Amazon gave it a full 5 stars, so it probably does what it says. Plus he works too much to have time to read a book, so I ordered the cd and he can listen to it while he drives to work and we can both be on the same page with the plan. Grinity, if this works I'm going to owe you a steak dinner sometime.

We have been using the "reset" and it is great. My typically tightly wound son actually STILLS his entire body for the two or 3 seconds of reset. I can't get him to quiet his body when I BEG him to! Then we are back on track and loving life!

The analogy of a video game is so appropriate. Kids jump right back in after a video game "death" when their character is reset, and they go right back to appropriate behavior after a "mom reset."

I have not been able to get DH to follow this program, but DS doesn't use the TONE with him like he does me. I'm doing it myself and it is helping a lot!

Thanks again for sharing the NHA info!

Signed, An older professional mom, with an unusually gifted, negative attention junkie male only. (Nan)

Where did you get a husband that will listen to a CD about parenting? Please count your blessing. Keep us posted. Maybe we can support each other here on trying this. Who wants to be in the NHA Club? It would be great to hear what works.

I'll be cheering you on La Texican - but you will get all the credit - this plan requires time and effort, and I think that's why it helped us, because it got me to change.

I'm a realllllly intense person, and expressive too! It would never have occurred to me to be 'fake' - even for really good cause - with my son, but since totally real wasn't working, I tried it. Sure enough, these new fakes now feel even better than my old 'reals.' And more real and true to my deepest self. I had to become aware of all the ways I was being positively reinforced by the 'big drama' at home. And de-addiction-ize myself. Wow! That's what I think made the big difference at our house - and it wasn't easy or quick. But it does feel right.

Best Wishes La Tex!
Grinity

Wow - that is awesome!

One thing I love about NHA is that although it works faster if all stakeholders are doing it - it works just fine if only one parent is doing it. My guess is if you keep energizing the Positivity you see in your DH - in general and around his parenting - that in a short while he'll start to follow your lead.


LOL Nan! It's so good to know I'm not the only one!!!!

I was just going to ask if it would work with only one parent "on board"!

I got the book at the library a couple of days ago but haven't had a chance to start it yet. We need a miracle.

The video indicates this can work miracles with kids. Best of luck to you.

http://www.nurturedheart.com/index.php/parenting-articles

I found this TNH counselor's blog. It's got lots of sweet articles. Oh I got a cute story. I ordered two Skillstreaming books the same time I ordered the TNH cd. My not quite 3 yr old. picked it up off the coffee table and asked me, "what's this book about?". I thought about it and said, it's stuff I can teach you so you won't get in trouble. "so I won't get in trouble?" he asked. His eyes lit up, he handed me the book with both hands and said, "Here read this.". Don't know what he was thinking, if mommy reading a book will keep me out of trouble... Then Mommy, go read it! Quick!

I just got my cd's in the mail a few days ago. �Since my guy's a preschooler I can relate to the "and now moving forward" type of correction. �It's nice to hear all the examples of how the new timeout kind of carries this same great tactic well beyond toddlerhood.

When my ds(2.75) starts to meltdown I have always rescued him, redirect, comfort, or address the problem depending on the circumstances. �Which actually was the right thing to do until now, given his age. �Now it may not yet be time to move onto the next stage, but it's at least time to start giving it some thought. �My husband would rather let him get himself worked up and then tell him "you need to learn how to control that, son."��The hubby wants to try to teach ds to keep his cool and "control himself". ��
I'm also concerned about this to an extent because "intensities" are often mistaken for behavior problems or psychological problems. �(yeah, I'm borrowing trouble worrying about the future again) �Like Grinity said, we need to wrap our head around the idea that it's not "acting fake" to control and think about choosing our reactions, it's effectively communicating our true intent to the world. �Guess I'm already trying to decide how to teach that to a three year old when it doesn't come natural to me.

NanRos, could you share a little more about how your son relaxes within three seconds?�Is there something you can tell me that I can tell my son that might help him better than just telling him "control yourself."? My husband's plan requires letting ds get worked up just so he can practice cooling off. �

OnthegoMom, Re: is it necessary for the external motivation of points/rewards for this program to work?
From listening to the tape the guy said the point system is useful to 40% of the children. �These are usually older children who have learned to dread rules as extra burdens in their lives. �The reward system coupled with an active role in writing the house rules creates a "buy-in" where the kid now wants more rules to follow because it's now like doing a job; there's a payoff and rules have been transformed from burdens into opportunities. �The little kids who have not yet been poisoned against rules just need the time-out/reset for breaking a rule. �They don't need a reward/point for following a rule. �Following the rules is just what we all do, as well as breaking rules and moving on with life.

One great point the guy made was that behavior problems might be rooted in perfectionist tendencies. �We tell the kids "don't screw up". And when the poor kid can't be perfect they do worse things to fight the punishment. �This method says, "You're free to screw up, you have to serve your time. �It's not that bad. �It's not that big of a deal.".�

Point system is only needed in some families. The deep part of it is to get the parents to realize that they 'own' all the goodies, and push the reluctant ones to use the power they have over the goodies. This is really hard of me and DH. It's pretty obvious to other families.

LaTex - it's important not to overthink this one -you have to learn by doing and observing. Just get in there and start 'energizing the positive qualities' you see your son exhibit. Handling strong emotions is a positive quality, so energize it when you see even a little bit of it.

It's really important not to 'phase in' the time outs or points until the child really sees that they can get your wild attention for good behavior, and totally knows what the rules are because you've praised him for following all of them.

LaTex - you seem to have lots of energy. Get used to being aware of how you spend it, and you'll be doing the NHA. Make a big, big deal out of the goodies - use that OverExcitability!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

It really helped me to figure out the point of discipline is not to become perfect, but to respond appropriately to correction. �Everybody breaks rules, but when you can't respond well to being corrected that is when you are defined as "out of control."
This is different than all the other discipline gurus I've seen today. �They want to focus on internal vs. external motivation for good behavior, and how to re-create an altruistically well-behaved child. �
This guy's idea is different. �People are mostly good most the time and we also break rules-all of us, all the time. �Accepting that and learning how to deal with it properly and respectfully is the key to controlling ourselves and behaving appropriately.
Everybody, teachers included, can accept that kids break rules. �If they can be corrected more easily without making a big deal about it then there's no problem.
I think this program will work well for us. �I couldn't believe it but the hubby agreed that it sounds like it will work well. �We don't always have the same idea about these things.

Update after the first week or two:
It uses 1 minute time outs inspired by a video game death. �No warning, you break a rule, you go to time out. �Game over. � But it's not a punishment. �It only lasts for 60 seconds. �Then I have to make a big deal thanking him for doing a good time out. �It's working. �The "punishment's" so light he doesn't really resist, but it's consistent enough to stop him from breaking the rules quickly when I say stop. �He still wants to throw a fit for being told to stop, but he really can't seem to get a good one worked up convincingly with this routine. �I don't have to fight him or hold him in the corner, I just say fine, go to your room. �Life stops until you do your time out. �Tell me when you're ready to do it. � ��
Let me repeat myself because I'm stoked - I have a three year old that stops when I say stop and can't even throw a fit about it good enough to convince anybody- woo-hoo!

I tacked a mandala on the wall in front of his time-out chair. Legend says looking at a mandala makes you happy. Now when I say, you broke a rule, go to your chair, put your hands in your lap, be quiet, look at your flower, he usually does it with a smile.
Heeheehee, I can think of a few people who would say that means I'm not punishing him right if it makes him smile.

I'm late to this, but I'm going to have to get the book... or something. I found myself this weekend in tears for yelling at DS like he was an adult... and really, I am just ashamed. I cried afterwards for at least an hour. I know I scared him to death.


Now this hits home b/c getting DH on board is the single hardest thing I have standing in my way. I am really not sure how my mom raised me, as I did not come from a house of yelling or hitting or anything... not sure how I turned out with such a short fuse... but DH, DH grew up in a house of beatings... raw beatings. Granted, he doesn't beat or attempt to beat either DC, but he doesn't even want to look at this type of thing.

La Tex, You Rock!

That is such great news. I love your insight that it isn't about breaking rules, it's about the behavior spiral that occurs once the rule is broke!

Remember that the time out doesn't have to be as long as 60 seconds, 5 seconds will do once your son gets good at it, and as your son gets older, it can be anytime, anywhere. After all, how long does it take you to reset yourself? Probably about 5 seconds. Still, for right now, you have a routine that works for your whole family - yippee!!

Grinity

((hugs JJsMom))
I really feel for you. I know that my son has collected more than his share of 'hole rippings' due to his 'adult sounding vocabulary.' There is something protective about baby talking that is spookily missing with some of our kids.

Good for you for having a good cry about it, and resolving to change. The 95th thing I love about Nurtured Heart Approach is that you don't need DH to be aboard to make it work, although it is faster and easier if DH will read the material and takes it on. But DH will catch on, if he sees it working, it will sink in. No matter what his upbringing was like - NHA is a 'start from today' kind of approach.


Speaking of starting from today, I hope you will reset yourself when you start to be distracted by guilt over your last weekend's behavior. Sure, vent or journal about it when you have a moment to rest and reflect, but during your day keep your mind on the present moment. You aren't yelling now. I hope you will remember that there are a lot of worse things that you didn't do, and that you deserve a lot of credit for all the times you haven't yelled at DS this way. If our perfectionism didn't get in the way, then we would notice that grown ups 'rip a new one' for their kids in public, on a pretty frequent basis. Parenting is messy!

Today, keep track of all the things you love and approve of about yourself, your DH and your DS. Describe what you see if it's comfortable and natural, or just beam a smile from your heart. It feels so much better.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

JJsMom, I've yelled so many times lately. I'm at the end of my pregnancy and I've had the PM'S style cramps for two weeks. I don't act like I'm on the rag even when I am, but, pfff, it's got the best of me this week. I feel terrible. But I think it's aweful, but at least I'm not like this all the time. Embarrassing how sometimes Mamma acts like a baby. And up till now I've acted so grown up since I had a baby. I'll probably have a few more embarrassing days once the new baby gets the teething fevers keeping me up at night and then the pre-schooler wants all the attention all day long.

This program could be really good in so many ways. �I don't let Wyatt have anything to drink at bedtime because that's the only time he's still in pampers. �(I just cut and shared an orange, I'm not totally cruel.). He wanted something to drink. �I said no, it's bedtime. �He went to the fridge anyway and opened it. �I said Wyatt, get out of the fridge and go to bed. �He let out a single angry shriek. �Then he walked in here and said, "I need to go to time out. �I screamed."
That self-control is priceless. �I've posted before that I've always tried to avoid developing his emotional OE's since I lived them and have since learned something about them. �Meanwhile the hubby said, "you have to let him know you're not afraid of his feelings.". Which sounds true except I know that letting him get worked up and walking him through it isn't going to teach him how to control it. �It's going to give him practice and make him better at getting worked up. � This program is achieving what both the hubby and I wanted for our son. �It's teaching him self-control and without an emotional roller-coaster ride. �And at such a young age. �I got so lucky. �And on only the fourth parenting book I tried. �I'm not on commission, but if this keeps working I'm going to keep bragging.

LOL, JJsMom, I just did that myself last week. DS is only 7yo .

Have gotten back on the bandwagon and am SOOO glad there's my trusty NHA workbook to refer to and guide me. And this thread that I've been reading silently to give me support. Thanks La Tex, for your positive stories! And of course, Grinity for being there for us.

LOL too about getting DH onboard. DH is the ultimate laissez faire parent - next to him, I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West. I was never like this either, but the stress of managing DS' LDs and school demands (there have been complaints yet again but hiding work that has to be handed up) is just adding up.

I've taken up knitting to purl away my stress. SO in my case, tempers rising? Look for my knitting bag while he does his mini timeout. It's a good break for both of us. I'm sure the minutes will add up somehow!

Thanks all! I felt it sinking in last night as DH was not home til late. I had to get both DC ready for bed, which sounds like it should be easy, but it isn't always the case - they are BOTH strong willed. DS6 began a pouting routine and hit my button... but I soon realized, I'm going to "kill him with kindness" and not yell. By the time I got DD4 out of the shower, I was praising DS6 for reading quietly, etc... WHEW. This may just work!

Oh, and blob, I feel like the WWW too!!! Glad I am not alone! Whew!

Ok, I am so getting NHA. I liked Explosive Child, but my DH doesn't really like the negotiation aspect of it. I have no idea how to get him on board. NHA might work better.:) I can hope.

Amen Sister! That is so beautiful. I love the descriptions of the OEs, and reading that I'm not alone with them was a great step towards self-understanding, but there has to be a way we can build our children's inner wealth to the point where they can handle these extra-strong feelings. It isn't fair that our kids have to work twice as hard to handle these extra-strong feelings, but if we plan to send them to school at tender ages, then we had better find a way to teach them this lesson before they get to school.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hugs JJsMom! I'm so glad you are being the parent you want to be! Yippee!!
Grinity

go Blob! I love knitting and how it relaxes me. I just finished a tank top for my BFF, and a pair of anklet socks for me. The minutes will add up - and if they don't- that's good too!!!

Smiles,
Grinity

I downloaded a free kitchen timer for the iPhone so I don't have to watch the clock for timeout. �I was joking with the hubby, "Need a remote control �for the little ones? �There's an app for that."
Anyway I told him with this program eventually supposedly you can just give him "the look" and turn away and he'll do his time-out.reset right where he sits and turn things around in a better direction- after we stay consistent and it becomes second nature. �He said he'll just need to hear the clicking of the timer, watch. �Well we were in the restaurant and he was starting to get wild and I said, "you need a time-out". I put a crayon on the table, sat him down and said, "look at the crayon, do your time out." �He wanted to line up all 4 crayons first. �The hubby clicked on his timer after the boy set only his 3rd crayon in place; he plopped straight on his butt and put his hands in his lap and quietly looked at his crayon for time-out (it's a flower mandala at home). �Boys and their toys. �I just downloaded the hubby's timer for him today.

I have a small dilemma. �The boy tells me at random he needs to go to time-out. �I've been asking him, For what? He's been telling me which rule he broke that I didn't see. �I don't know if I should keep asking him, for what? �Or just be happy he's self-correcting. �I appreciate the honesty. I just don't know if I should ask why. �

Oh, I'd like to add that the restaurants have really shown me the beauty of this program. �There's no more getting up and leaving the table to take him outside so he doesn't bother anybody, or begging him to be patient so we can all eat. �He doesn't mind the time-outs, they're done right there without leaving the table. �And it really does settle him down. �It works better than anything I've ever seen in the store and other public places because it's so quick and effective. �You can just finish doing whatever you have to do. �Thanks for suggesting this and for being so right about it Grinity.

La T,

Wow! That sounds so awesome! You must be so proud of your son! I'm so proud of you!

How long are are you setting that timer for?

Here's my advice for your dilemma, and a bit of 'picking on you' thrown it with lots of love. Personally, I really value folks who can steer me clear of the rocks, so I hope you aren't offended.

The reason he 'puts himself in timeout' is that he recognizes that he feels better after the settle down.

I would discourage you from asking him 'what he did' - it just feed energy to the negativity, and you are all about feeding energy to the positivity, right?

I would encourage you to energize his thoughtfulness of communication for letting you know where he'll be. (I used to get very worried when all noise from my DS ceased - in our house that meant trouble!) I would also encourage you to make a super big deal when he leaves time out about how wise he is to be able to notice that he needed a time out, and how strong he is for translating that into action, and how well he did at using the time out.

I would even question the words 'you need a time-out.' What kind of tone goes with that?

The 'you' makes it so personal. Think of a sports ref on the basketball court - they blow a whistle and point, 'nothing personal kid, you're foots on the line.' Think monotone. Think mutter. Think body language. Yup?

When your son 'got wild' he probably broke a rule (and you are allowed to make up rules on the spot, something about 'no commotions in public places.' Then you can say, 'bummer, broke a rule, time out, use this' and leave your son to figure out what the rule was at a later moment. You can help out before or after the fact by super praising correct restaurant behavior. It's even ok to make a silly game of all the things not to do in restaurants in the car on the way there. That's what DS and I used to do on the way to library and playdates.

Me:'Throw rocks at friends at the playground?'
DS(age 2) 'Oh no!'
Me: 'what happens when rocks are thrown?'
DS: Go home fast!

In fact, if you are brave, you can leave out the 'bummer broke a rule' and just announce 'timeout time' out of the blue. That seems so abrupt and shocking, doesn't it? But then you are teaching HIM to monitor his own behavior and make the association between 'getting wild' and 'time out time'

NHA considers all warnings and delays as paying attention to negativity. Even that he wanted to line up the crayons and you were willing. You might practice having him close his eyes and imagining the flower. Also the warnings make Time out into something negative, which it totally isn't. Time outs are a celebration of many things:
1) That you have rules.
2) That your son has the free will to break the rules
3) That you have the wisdom to signal that a rule is broken without feeding the negative energy.
4) That he has the ability to get back on track without a 'federal case' being made over the whole thing.

One key is to mention, perhaps today when things are going well, "I had this idea that we could practice surprise time outs today. Today we'll do 6 time outs together even when no rule is broken, just so we can practice them and show how strong we are." Then, during the day when things are going really well (not when he is at the edge of wild) call, "Practice Time Out" and do one - 6 times! You'll be on the spot to super-praise how well he does, and I know you can do it!

Another day when things are going well, you can do 'Practice time outs' as if you were in a Restaurant. (Maybe teach him to use a variety of coins - they are always available -?)


Giant Hugs to you La T - What a dramatic example you are of success!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Oh, close your eyes. Maybe that will work. We've recently reached the silliness stage where he wants to kick his feet or hum or somehow distract and entertain himself instead of reset. Maybe I'll lower the time from 60 to 30 seconds as well. I just selected the bigger end of the time frame to prepare him for karate and then pre-k, so when they send him to time-out he doesn't look undisciplined. We really have had a lot of success most of the time so far. I'll just consider this like learning a new skill. Just take practice and patience. What's next? The workbook or the inner wealth thing? What's the inner wealth thing like anyway?

The Nurtured Heart Approach is causing a new level of calm to fall over our household. It takes some doing, but the wife and I are finally getting on the same page, and it's working.

Yippee Iucounu!!! Way to work together! Awesome to find a style that works for you and DW!!!! Go Calm in the Gifted Home!!!

Yippee!!

Go La Tex! Practice and patience! I love the workbook, but I haven't read the book for school (Inner Wealth Initiative) so it might be wonderful too.

Time outs can be 60 seconds at home where you have peace and calm (are you expecting?) and as fast as '3 deep breaths' when you are out in public. Just practice those resets when things are going well. Since they aren't pejorative (my word for the day) it's fine for you to use them and fine to practice them when all is well. How long does it take to refresh a computer screen?

I love your idea of using 60 seconds to prep for Karate - not sure if timeouts are still used in preschool - around here they were big into 'redirection.' Maybe a little visit to some local preschools and ask them to show you how they do it?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Yes I'm expecting. Due Sept. 16 but it's a natural waterbirth so they don't induce you if you're late. I'm not doing the flylady 15 minutes thing on purpose, I'm just so huge I can't move for longer than that.
We need to refine our nurtured heart. I could see that it was working. It just stalled out on the silliness factor. I'm too fatigued to stay on top of it right now. But I did see the program's results so we'll keep working on it.

Wow la tex! Best Wishes! Soon, Soon!