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We have been using the "reset" and it is great. My typically tightly wound son actually STILLS his entire body for the two or 3 seconds of reset. I can't get him to quiet his body when I BEG him to! Then we are back on track and loving life!

The analogy of a video game is so appropriate. Kids jump right back in after a video game "death" when their character is reset, and they go right back to appropriate behavior after a "mom reset."

I have not been able to get DH to follow this program, but DS doesn't use the TONE with him like he does me. I'm doing it myself and it is helping a lot!

Thanks again for sharing the NHA info!

Signed, An older professional mom, with an unusually gifted, negative attention junkie male only. (Nan)

Where did you get a husband that will listen to a CD about parenting? Please count your blessing. Keep us posted. Maybe we can support each other here on trying this. Who wants to be in the NHA Club? It would be great to hear what works.

I'll be cheering you on La Texican - but you will get all the credit - this plan requires time and effort, and I think that's why it helped us, because it got me to change.

I'm a realllllly intense person, and expressive too! It would never have occurred to me to be 'fake' - even for really good cause - with my son, but since totally real wasn't working, I tried it. Sure enough, these new fakes now feel even better than my old 'reals.' And more real and true to my deepest self. I had to become aware of all the ways I was being positively reinforced by the 'big drama' at home. And de-addiction-ize myself. Wow! That's what I think made the big difference at our house - and it wasn't easy or quick. But it does feel right.

Best Wishes La Tex!
Grinity

Wow - that is awesome!

One thing I love about NHA is that although it works faster if all stakeholders are doing it - it works just fine if only one parent is doing it. My guess is if you keep energizing the Positivity you see in your DH - in general and around his parenting - that in a short while he'll start to follow your lead.


LOL Nan! It's so good to know I'm not the only one!!!!

I was just going to ask if it would work with only one parent "on board"!

I got the book at the library a couple of days ago but haven't had a chance to start it yet. We need a miracle.

The video indicates this can work miracles with kids. Best of luck to you.

http://www.nurturedheart.com/index.php/parenting-articles

I found this TNH counselor's blog. It's got lots of sweet articles. Oh I got a cute story. I ordered two Skillstreaming books the same time I ordered the TNH cd. My not quite 3 yr old. picked it up off the coffee table and asked me, "what's this book about?". I thought about it and said, it's stuff I can teach you so you won't get in trouble. "so I won't get in trouble?" he asked. His eyes lit up, he handed me the book with both hands and said, "Here read this.". Don't know what he was thinking, if mommy reading a book will keep me out of trouble... Then Mommy, go read it! Quick!

I just got my cd's in the mail a few days ago. �Since my guy's a preschooler I can relate to the "and now moving forward" type of correction. �It's nice to hear all the examples of how the new timeout kind of carries this same great tactic well beyond toddlerhood.

When my ds(2.75) starts to meltdown I have always rescued him, redirect, comfort, or address the problem depending on the circumstances. �Which actually was the right thing to do until now, given his age. �Now it may not yet be time to move onto the next stage, but it's at least time to start giving it some thought. �My husband would rather let him get himself worked up and then tell him "you need to learn how to control that, son."��The hubby wants to try to teach ds to keep his cool and "control himself". ��
I'm also concerned about this to an extent because "intensities" are often mistaken for behavior problems or psychological problems. �(yeah, I'm borrowing trouble worrying about the future again) �Like Grinity said, we need to wrap our head around the idea that it's not "acting fake" to control and think about choosing our reactions, it's effectively communicating our true intent to the world. �Guess I'm already trying to decide how to teach that to a three year old when it doesn't come natural to me.

NanRos, could you share a little more about how your son relaxes within three seconds?�Is there something you can tell me that I can tell my son that might help him better than just telling him "control yourself."? My husband's plan requires letting ds get worked up just so he can practice cooling off. �

OnthegoMom, Re: is it necessary for the external motivation of points/rewards for this program to work?
From listening to the tape the guy said the point system is useful to 40% of the children. �These are usually older children who have learned to dread rules as extra burdens in their lives. �The reward system coupled with an active role in writing the house rules creates a "buy-in" where the kid now wants more rules to follow because it's now like doing a job; there's a payoff and rules have been transformed from burdens into opportunities. �The little kids who have not yet been poisoned against rules just need the time-out/reset for breaking a rule. �They don't need a reward/point for following a rule. �Following the rules is just what we all do, as well as breaking rules and moving on with life.

One great point the guy made was that behavior problems might be rooted in perfectionist tendencies. �We tell the kids "don't screw up". And when the poor kid can't be perfect they do worse things to fight the punishment. �This method says, "You're free to screw up, you have to serve your time. �It's not that bad. �It's not that big of a deal.".�

Point system is only needed in some families. The deep part of it is to get the parents to realize that they 'own' all the goodies, and push the reluctant ones to use the power they have over the goodies. This is really hard of me and DH. It's pretty obvious to other families.

LaTex - it's important not to overthink this one -you have to learn by doing and observing. Just get in there and start 'energizing the positive qualities' you see your son exhibit. Handling strong emotions is a positive quality, so energize it when you see even a little bit of it.

It's really important not to 'phase in' the time outs or points until the child really sees that they can get your wild attention for good behavior, and totally knows what the rules are because you've praised him for following all of them.

LaTex - you seem to have lots of energy. Get used to being aware of how you spend it, and you'll be doing the NHA. Make a big, big deal out of the goodies - use that OverExcitability!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

It really helped me to figure out the point of discipline is not to become perfect, but to respond appropriately to correction. �Everybody breaks rules, but when you can't respond well to being corrected that is when you are defined as "out of control."
This is different than all the other discipline gurus I've seen today. �They want to focus on internal vs. external motivation for good behavior, and how to re-create an altruistically well-behaved child. �
This guy's idea is different. �People are mostly good most the time and we also break rules-all of us, all the time. �Accepting that and learning how to deal with it properly and respectfully is the key to controlling ourselves and behaving appropriately.
Everybody, teachers included, can accept that kids break rules. �If they can be corrected more easily without making a big deal about it then there's no problem.
I think this program will work well for us. �I couldn't believe it but the hubby agreed that it sounds like it will work well. �We don't always have the same idea about these things.