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Wow Irene! Well done. There is so much to learn, and you took a very reasonable approach. Do you see changes in your daughter's "inner wealth?"

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I hope this is ok to post, but I just got a link to an online NHA class, taught by Howard Glasser himself, starting in September.

I'm seriously considering signing up.

http://www.icohere.com/TDC/index.htm

Thanks for your Message Grinity-
I watched the whole 3 DVD collection. For this in itself - I give myself a pat on the back. Unfortunitly, I watched the 2004 version but I think I got a lot out of it.

I did the technique 1st thing this morning. My DS did his morning list without anyone telling him so I gave a complement. I thought I will focus on the morning routinue to try and get it better, even though it's not too bad. I will also try to notice some good stuff through the day.

I was wondering if you think it is necessary to have the point/credit system? I'm not a big fan of that. My kids usually don't respond to this type of positive rewards. I see the point of something in place to keep the parent in check. I wonder if there is another way? I know I will not be perfect but then I would just remind myself to try again.

I question that NHA seems like it all about pleasing the parents. I think the child is better to please themselves.

The DVDs made me think about the school we just left and how some teachers used negative behavior to take away points. This was so upsetting to my kids. They really disliked the table group discipline.

I hope our new school is different. I do feel like there is so much about wanting to be a great school. So it's hopeful.

Absolutely not necessary to use the credit system. In the old days before 'time outs' became 'reset' the credit system was used as a carrot/stick to get kids to do a 'in chair' time out. Now that we parents are totally empowered to reset anytime anywhere without cooperation from the child, it's no longer an issue.

We tried credit system for about 3 months in hopes of getting screen time under control. That didn't happen, but other parts of our family life improved.

I don't see NHA as being all about pleasing the parents, but I do think that 'we are their favorite toy' - so alot of children's lives is already about getting a reaction (positive or negative) from the parents (or siblings.) If that is a reality in your house, then you may as well give 'emotional nutrition' that not only pleases the parents but increases the child's inner strength. Afterall, what pleases us parents is to see our children responding to life with more and more inner strength, instead of going after the 'emotional junkfood' of the negative attention.

Good luck with the new school OTGmom!
Grinity

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate your helpfulness.

I haven't ordered my copy yet. �I definately will. �Just looking at the preview shed some light on one recent problem. �Almost everytime I get on the phone with somebody my son stops whatever he's doing and comes over to where I'm at and literally tries to talk over me, just like that talking stain on the Tide commercial. �Same thing with my husband. �I've been pausing my conversation and telling him, "I'm on the phone. �Leave me alone or I'm going in the other room.". We frequently have to go in the other room and close the door to finish a conversation. �I thought it was age related. �He gets enough attention. �I was confused because I thought it was attention-seeking behavior. �Now I understand that it might be because we talk faster and become more animated when having a conversation on the cellphone and it's the extra energy attracting him. �
So what would the system have us do to correct this situation? �We've just been consistent in telling him to stop, warning him we're going in the other room, then following through. �

My son does the exact same thing, drives me crazy! Or, when I pay attention to my six month old, he literally puts his face infront of mine and talks to the baby. I can't figure out if he wants my attention or wants the cute reaction of the baby. I wish I had advice for you but I don't know what to do. Just thought it might help to know that you're not alone!

I've only just begun with this but... The DVD NHA suggest to get creative so it's easy to show the child success. If you could get someone to help you with some planned phone calls that would help.Make a very quick phone call to a friend as soon as you hang up say "you were so good to let me have an uninterrupted phone call, I appreciate that." When he interrupts try to avoid any attention to his undesired behavior, just walk away. NHA would say talking to him about leaving the room is fueling the undesired behavior.

This is not on NHA but...
You might use a signal of quiet or one minute when on the phone. The point is to give as little attention to undesired behavior as possible.

If a child does something wrong they get a quick time out. I am not ready to use time outs for phone interruptions because I need to save the time out for other stuff. I don't think it is good to overdo time outs. After the time out is done, compliment them on a good time out - "you did just what I asked, I appreciate that". Don't talk about the bad behavior now. Don't ask for a appology, that will come in time. Just focus on the good.

This is not on NHA but...
I find my DS to have strong motivation and he takes in more of my messages away from the moment. When there is a repeating undesired child behavior situation it works best for me to have a short talk with him that suggests why our family/freindship would benefit from a change. I find this hard to remember to do but very powerful. My son does not always notice I am on the phone becuase he is looking at what he wants to show me. I have been trying to encourage him to look at people when he talks to them.

One of the NHA examples was a Dad started this approach with a boy who was good about putting on his seat belt. As soon as the boy did it the Dad said "Please put on your seat belt". Boy responded "I've already put on my seat belt." Dad - "That's great I appreciate you knowing what was needed and you just did it with out me asking." This boy was doing so many things wrong that the Dad had to look for something right, that we normally don't notice.

This kid hardly got to hear he was doing a good job. This was a start to fuel good behavior with attention that kid's crave. Bad behavior attention fuels bad behavior.

If anyone would like to comment on my "not NHA but...approaches" please do. I'm thinking that the NHA approach could work with a little flexiblity.

OTGMom -
Wow - seems like you've caught the spirit of NHA so well, after so short a time! I'm impressed.

My thought is that I can't wait until you learn about the reset, as I'm guessing that the 2004 tape probably showed a 'time out' that was a sort of big deal.

The reset, is something that is such a little deal that one might not mind using it 30 times a day if they had to - just a calm 'bummer broke a rule' and a big fuss the minute the child stops the broken rule behavior, even if only to catch their breath, or wonder why mom isn't yelling (LOL!!)

The idea is to reset after little infractions and not let things build up to the point where there the parent is feeling quite put upon.

((Caution to lurkers - don't introduce the resets until the child has gotten used to the compliments, and can 'take a compliment' well, and you yourself have gotten comitted to the idea that a child can't learn anything while things are going wrong. The idea that children need our energy doesn't make them bad, it's just the way things are, so positive energy has to be reliably in place before it works to remove the negative energy.))

For me, the happy welcoming back after the reset is the hardest, and saying 'reset' aloud is the 2nd hardest. Luckily at our house they evolved into 'microresets' which I can do:

DS: MA, GET ME A PENCIL
Me:((facial expression that expresses that I'm mildly suprised, as if the kitchen table was suddently making a vote for what we should have for dinner. Quickly followed by me turning away and focusing on something else))
DS: Oh. ((facial expression that show that he suddenly remembered that it's against the rules to adress me in that tone of voice.)) Hey, ma, sorry about the tone of voice. Next time you are passing this way, would you bring me a pencil?
Me: Sure. Thanks for asking so nicely. It shows that you are respectful.

Mind you, if DH is around he will be quite steamed that DS is even asking me to bring him a pencil, or that I'm willing to bring the pencil. And there is part of me that is so embarrassed that a child of mine, at this age still forgets and acts like one of the bad children from Willie Wonka. But this is, compared to what it was, a big step forward for us.

I don't think that all children are 'negative attention junkies' or even that all gifted children are negative attention junkies. And I know for a fact that not all unusually gifted, male,unaccomidated at school,only children are negative attention junkies, because I've met one or two along the way. But boy-oh-boy, I think that there are plenty who are, and hope that if NHA is as useful to those families as it was to mine, that the word gets out.

((And believe me, once my son hit the school system, I got told over and over about how older, professional parents like myself tend to spoil our only children, which I still resent. Somehow blaming me - however nicely - didn't seem like it was going to fix things for my son at school. Personally I think that some intense kids cause themselves to be only children, and that gifted kids with siblings are much less isolated and less unacommidated, in general, than unusually gifted kids without siblings.))

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I told my husband I ordered the program. Then I said, not that he's a difficult child, but we need a plan for the difficult moments. We've got the easy parts under control. I said 72 out of 87 reviews on Amazon gave it a full 5 stars, so it probably does what it says. Plus he works too much to have time to read a book, so I ordered the cd and he can listen to it while he drives to work and we can both be on the same page with the plan. Grinity, if this works I'm going to owe you a steak dinner sometime.