Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Giftedness and Parental Abandonment

My 10 year old son 2 years ago was identified as gifted and is a highly sensitive, aware child. He attends a gifted enrichment program once a month with the schoolboard. Recently his biological father who has not been in his life for the past 5 years has resurfaced. My son remembers the emotional harm caused by his father prior to his abandonment. Prior to his father abandoning him supervised access was enforced for 2 years. His biological father has never written, called for 5 years. My question is "Would it be harmful to his sensitive nature to expose him again to a man he does not know? I understand the rights of fathers but my son has not had one ever. I am worried that at this critical time (pre-teen) the emotional implications will be tremendous. Do gifted children suffer and feel more deeply than others?Any comments.

Hi Chicoutmired,
You don't mention how you feel about all this, so I'll ask? Are you still hurting, or are you pretty well healed? I ask because that make a big difference as to how useful you will be to your son as he takes on this relationship mending project. Who are the other adult supports in your son's life, and what do they think of all this? What's your heart telling you?

check out the website about social and emotional needs of gifted www.sengifted.org/ for more info on resiliency of gifted children. Gifted Young people may be better able to handle stress than other children, because of their strengths.

FWIF - My son is almost 10, and it's never looked to me like he suffers or feel more deeply than other kids, just that he's been more able to counsiously remember and communicate it more persuasivly. ((Ya' know?))

(((big hug))) Trinity

Thanks for the link. I previewed the article and found that the studies demonstrate they are inconclusive as to whether gifted children can handle emotional stress any better than non-gifted. You are right about him being able to more consciously remember and communicate more persuasively.
In reply to your questions, during the ensuing 5 years, I haven't had to deal with the absent father and his issues. I have put it aside. Am I healed? Yes, I feel that I am. However, I wait for an apology from him to both myself and my son.

My heart tells me that if I could know his intentions it would be better. History tells me that they are not for the good. I worry that he would intentionally harm the boy. Physically, emotionally, psychologically do something to put him in peril. He has never supported the child, did not want the child born. It was an ultimiatum from the point of knowing we had conceived. "Have an abortion or I will divorce you?" and "I will never spend one ounce of my lifesource to support that unwanted fetus." And he hasn't.

SO in regard to his intent, I will have to hear more from him. Past experience has taught me that I almost have to not listen to my heart. Does he have a heart? (In the sense that you and I have one, are on common ground and want what's best for our sons.)

If I make the wrong decision it could cost my son his life. Accompanying his giftedness, my son also has health issues -- mild cerebral palsy, asthma and anaphylaxis to 5 common foods. His father never recognized or respected this and on more than one occasion fed him foods and exposed him to environments that he reacted to.

No one seems to think it is a good thing in and of itself. SOme think this is a troublesome thing. Some say to ask for financial support from this point on to demonstrate the absent father's commmitment and turnaround for the betterment of his son before any contact is made. All say to be careful. THink before you act. Reply?

Hi there,
I can only speak from my personal experience as a (possibly, not tested but matched all the characteristics) gifted and sensitive person who dealt with father abandonment issues. I've also had plenty of experience watching friends deal with similar situations.

[Note: I'm not a therapist and it sounds like getting a professional opinion on this might be a good idea. I'll just share my thoughts and hopefully they will be of some help to you!]

From my personal experience, the reunion with the absent parent can be very difficult, especially for sensitive souls, that truly want to embrace their formerly absent "parent" and make them feel loved (even if perhaps they don't deserve the loyalty.) I think many sensitive children will take on the guilt or responsibility, not even realising that they are blaming themselves for the parent leaving. There is the sense that "I must have been bad" for them to want to leave. This is completely illogical to our reasonable mind but sensitive people often work from that intuitive, feeling place and will apologize for others behaviors and take on the pain and guilt themselves. It took me many years to realise that I'm not at fault, he had to leave for his own reasons and that now that he's back in my life (he returned when I was 12, I'm now 36) it's ok to go slow in getting to know him, it's ok not to trust him and to not feel like I have to apologize. Yikes! There's quite a bit of "stuff" in that.

BTW, in my particular case my dad left for draft resistance reasons and is a kind soul that just wanted to reconnect with only an emotional agenda, although he continues to be a hermit and we speak infrequently. As an adult, and now a parent myself, I've learned to accept what he brings to our relationship without expectation. We have connected occasionally and have a very caring friendship. It took a long time to get to this place.

I agree that you should be VERY cautious. I agree that you should be very concerned about his agenda and his ability to respect your boundries and your sons emotional, mental, and physical needs. I'd think that before you even allow him to be involved, or see your son, there should be serious trust building between the two of you and some real concrete proof (time, writing, financial, whatever) that he is committed to all of your conditions. In my opinion he has forfeited all his rights and you have control over the situation as the protector of your sons best interest. Also, it may be very troubling to your son if he is back and then flakes out again.

Sorry you are struggling with this. It's never easy and especially when dealing with someone who is unreliable and difficult. Please feel free to email me off board if you want to chat more.

Best wishes,
WW