Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Research on how NOT to praise your gifted child

OK, I could have titled this thread, "Best way to praise your gifted child" but it seems negative headlines get more attention.
I'm still debating with myself on whether to have GS tested. In my search for that answer I found this article, How not to talk to your kids .
snip: To find the results, follow the link, it is invaluable.

I have to admit I really like this as I have been living with this philosophy since before I even had my kids. I can't remember where I read this before (not this exact article but on the same topic) but it really hit home with me. In another thread I talked about people not trying as hard and never learning to fail in life as part of their just thinking they are "smart" and not applying themselves as fully as they could because of that fear of failure. I have never arbitrarily told my kids that they were smart when they did something well. In fact I have always told them that being smart in and of itself doesn't matter if you don't use it. Hard work, hard work, hard work is my mantra. This comes from seeing kids I went to school who were absolutely brilliant but then wound up doing nothing in life due to their fear of failure.

I think of intelligence as any talent - it's only as good as the effort you put into sustaining it and making it grow. No it won't go away if you don't work hard, but it isn't going to do you as much good as if you applied yourself. Anyway, I really enjoyed the article!

Thanks for sharing this article. It was a very interesting read and now have to evaluate my own praise usage.

When my kids try something new--even if they stink at it--I praise them like mad for their willingness to put themselves out there. One side effect is that my older child tries every new food that comes his way. It's nice to have a 6yo who will try even crazy stuff like dried fish from Iceland and cactus fruit!

And naturally, praising hard work is key. I couldn't agree more. Praising natural ability seems to me to be like praising a kid's eye color. Saying "thank you" for that seems...odd!

Ha Kriston. DS7 is the same with food - he will try anything! He recently ate oysters and calamari. I also really praise the willingness to try. DS really fights a hard mental battle to try new activites. He is taking unicycle class right now and I swear he is learning more about effort and hard work in that class than he has all year at school.

Unicycle class?! How COOL is that?!?!

Wanna adopt me, Kim? I want to be your child!

I wish I could cajole my dd6 to try new foods with praise!! I have even tried bribing and even that doesn't work!!!

Bianca, don't worry about the food thing. It's partly wiring that you can't change. DS has been one of the pickier eaters you will meet. Suddenly, in the last 6 months (since turning 12) he has changed--he wants to try new foods. He had tofu for dinner tonight, cream of spinach soup a few days ago; he eats salad, and brocolli and all kinds of things he couldn't stand a year ago. I think his brain just matured. Calmness and patience and gentle encouragment has paid off. Really, your DD won't be like this her whole life.

I'm a big believer in praise effort not inborn traits, and Sylvia Rimm has lots to say on this if you want to read more HOWEVER I can't tell you how many people read the Dweck article and jump to the conclusion that they shouldn't talk to their kids about their 'difference' or get testing.

A) How can on get a child into a 'good fit learning environment' without testing to get an idea what that might be (not counting homeschooling and certian amazing schools)

B) If it isn't spoken of, it becomes the "Elephant in the Living Room." Taboo and unspeakable.

When one praises effort, one has to also take account of ability. So it's ok to acknowledge ability while praising effort. KWIM?

Grimity

Sure do! I'll have to look up Sylvia Rimm.

Sure Kriston! DS has a bunk bed! I have a feeling my DS would love your DS, so be sure to bring him along.

And I just posted somewhere else about this too, but I totally agree Grinity. I think it's very important to acknowlege ability without making it better or worse than anyone else. It's like being born with blue eyes or black hair. It's a human characteristic.

For a while I was calling it 'the shape of my mind' or less romantically, 'my headmeat.'

grins -
grinity

I agree with this wholeheartedly. In fact, I usually say, "You wouldn't praise a kid just for having blue eyes. That's an accident of birth. So you shouldn't praise a kid just for being smart, which is also an accident of birth. But a child shouldn't have to pretend that s/he doesn't have eyes either, just because his/her eyes are different than most other people's. There's a middle ground there."

And yet, some children are praised for blue eyes. As a child, I had dark brown hair and fair skin, and strangers often commented on my beautiful blue eyes! Very weird!

Grinity

But wasn't it hard for you to respond to that when you were young? Does a kid say "Thank you?" "It's nice of you to notice?" "Yes, I'm gorgeous?"

Ugh! No wonder they brag! It's a minefield!

My (brown) eyes have always drawn attention, but I've always felt uncomfortable when people praised me for having them. Sorry folks, they're just part of the package deal! I felt weird saying "thank you" when the praise was something that I felt I didn't deserve.

Same goes with smarts. I didn't do anything to deserve praise there either. Feel free to notice my eyes or my brains, even remark on them if you like, but don't compliment me for something that came to me naturally because it just leaves me feeling awkward!

Now I realize that it's just a pretext to have the social closeness, but yes then, I was quite embarrassed.

I also was terrible about baby compliments, "What a beautiful baby you have!"
Me: ((beaming)) Yes I know, isn't he lovely!
DH: ((whispering)) You are SUPPosed to say, 'Your baby is beautiful too.'
Me: ((Wha....how dorky would that sound???))
Me: ((Aloud)) Your baby has such pretty hair. ((Does that sound too fake? I'd rather be quoting from the 74 baby books I read, because this small talk feels so awkward!))

((shrugs))
Grinity

"Aw, isn't s/he sweet!" is the all purpose compliment that I have found useful.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah, Grinity, I love ya'! I *SO* identify!

Again, with baby compliments, I usually said a stilted, awkward "Thank you," or said "He does have pretty eyes, I think," like it was a semi-normal conversation, or I made some attempt at humor like "Thank you. I made him myself! After 23 hours of hard labor (kid #1)/9.5 months of nausea and vomiting (kid #2), I think I get to claim the credit!" (LOL!) But it's all so WEIRD!

And the "Yours is cute, too" just seems fake. You're so right!

Ha! This is what I love about this board. I can so totally relate to this line of thinking. I always find these small talk compliment exchanging conversations so excruciatingly painful!

My least favorite "compliment" is "Have you lost weight?". For a long time after graduating high school (not so much since I had kids!) when I would run into an old classmate they would ask me if I lost weight. I was always thinking "No - but the rest of you seemed to put on 20+ lbs since graduation. And PS, thanks for insinuating I had weight to lose!". Unless someone brings up their own weight loss, I'll never ask. I might say "You look great".

Another little interesting tidbit I've noticed since having kids. We get ALOT more comments/compliments on our DD than DS. I think women just tend to notice girls more. They totally look like siblings. DD does wear flashier clothes, likes big hideous things in her hair, and enjoys dancing in public. But even when she's hiding behind me, grandmas seek her out. It's kind of weird.

And of course, my person favorite, from my early parenting days:
"When are you due?" - especially good while I'm holding the 3 month old in the crook of my left arm!

I think I'd have smiled and said, "Next week!" while fiddling with the baby's hair, just to see if any confusion registered!

<evil grin>