Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Research on how NOT to praise your gifted child

Sure Kriston! DS has a bunk bed! I have a feeling my DS would love your DS, so be sure to bring him along.

And I just posted somewhere else about this too, but I totally agree Grinity. I think it's very important to acknowlege ability without making it better or worse than anyone else. It's like being born with blue eyes or black hair. It's a human characteristic.

For a while I was calling it 'the shape of my mind' or less romantically, 'my headmeat.'

grins -
grinity

I agree with this wholeheartedly. In fact, I usually say, "You wouldn't praise a kid just for having blue eyes. That's an accident of birth. So you shouldn't praise a kid just for being smart, which is also an accident of birth. But a child shouldn't have to pretend that s/he doesn't have eyes either, just because his/her eyes are different than most other people's. There's a middle ground there."

And yet, some children are praised for blue eyes. As a child, I had dark brown hair and fair skin, and strangers often commented on my beautiful blue eyes! Very weird!

Grinity

But wasn't it hard for you to respond to that when you were young? Does a kid say "Thank you?" "It's nice of you to notice?" "Yes, I'm gorgeous?"

Ugh! No wonder they brag! It's a minefield!

My (brown) eyes have always drawn attention, but I've always felt uncomfortable when people praised me for having them. Sorry folks, they're just part of the package deal! I felt weird saying "thank you" when the praise was something that I felt I didn't deserve.

Same goes with smarts. I didn't do anything to deserve praise there either. Feel free to notice my eyes or my brains, even remark on them if you like, but don't compliment me for something that came to me naturally because it just leaves me feeling awkward!

Now I realize that it's just a pretext to have the social closeness, but yes then, I was quite embarrassed.

I also was terrible about baby compliments, "What a beautiful baby you have!"
Me: ((beaming)) Yes I know, isn't he lovely!
DH: ((whispering)) You are SUPPosed to say, 'Your baby is beautiful too.'
Me: ((Wha....how dorky would that sound???))
Me: ((Aloud)) Your baby has such pretty hair. ((Does that sound too fake? I'd rather be quoting from the 74 baby books I read, because this small talk feels so awkward!))

((shrugs))
Grinity

"Aw, isn't s/he sweet!" is the all purpose compliment that I have found useful.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah, Grinity, I love ya'! I *SO* identify!

Again, with baby compliments, I usually said a stilted, awkward "Thank you," or said "He does have pretty eyes, I think," like it was a semi-normal conversation, or I made some attempt at humor like "Thank you. I made him myself! After 23 hours of hard labor (kid #1)/9.5 months of nausea and vomiting (kid #2), I think I get to claim the credit!" (LOL!) But it's all so WEIRD!

And the "Yours is cute, too" just seems fake. You're so right!

Ha! This is what I love about this board. I can so totally relate to this line of thinking. I always find these small talk compliment exchanging conversations so excruciatingly painful!

My least favorite "compliment" is "Have you lost weight?". For a long time after graduating high school (not so much since I had kids!) when I would run into an old classmate they would ask me if I lost weight. I was always thinking "No - but the rest of you seemed to put on 20+ lbs since graduation. And PS, thanks for insinuating I had weight to lose!". Unless someone brings up their own weight loss, I'll never ask. I might say "You look great".

Another little interesting tidbit I've noticed since having kids. We get ALOT more comments/compliments on our DD than DS. I think women just tend to notice girls more. They totally look like siblings. DD does wear flashier clothes, likes big hideous things in her hair, and enjoys dancing in public. But even when she's hiding behind me, grandmas seek her out. It's kind of weird.

And of course, my person favorite, from my early parenting days:
"When are you due?" - especially good while I'm holding the 3 month old in the crook of my left arm!