Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How Do You Help Your Kids With Friendship Issues?

DS7 likes children and doesn't have a problem making friends. But he has problems wanting to stay friends.

We homeschooled when DS was 5 & 6yo and I would actively look for playfriends for him. It was tough because it became a cycle - he'd be quite happy with x at first, and after awhile when x shoved or snatched, DS would become upset and eventually not want to show up for the playdates. After some persuasion/cajoling/talking him through which never worked, I'd try to find different kids, but the same thing would happen. The mothers are mostly fantastic people, so it was hard on me as well. And despite him not wanting to meet up, he's surprisingly popular. A few of his homeschool friends still name him as their best friend despite some spectacular fights. I'm so puzzled!

Formal school since the start of this year has been great (the only good out of school actually!) in that I don't have to be personally involved in his friendships, and he has no choice but to show up for school anyway. Now I'm considering homeschooling again, but am worried about the old issues resurfacing. Recently, he's been having robotics classes with a homeschooled friend, and yet again, the heated sparks are flying . The truth is, he is not at fault. Most kids at this age are pushy/shovey/love to horse around, from what I see. But he takes it (in my view) too seriously. He's said as much that he can't understand why other children do it. Plus he has a memory of an elephant, so it's hard for him to let go.

I'm thinking that my options are:
1. Ignore his complaints. I tell him that if he can't get over it/deal with it himself, we'll stop going for playdates/classes. Typically, he chooses to stop and I totally respect that.
2. Address his concerns. This is so emotionally draining because it becomes a he-said-she-said kind of routine. Maybe it's me, but it's tough to keep this up for the long haul.
3. Stop looking for friends for him. But I worry about the social aspect of friends etc. Plus there are some co-ops that are look very interesting for him in terms of subject matter. These are very small groups of 3-4 kids, and weekly meets are held in someone's home. Because he's remembered fondly, we've been invited to a few for when we actually do take the plunge. But it's exactly these situations that will lead to option #1.

What have you guys done in terms of helping with friendships for your children? Should I be helping at all? While he's quite happy to be alone or be with me and his Dad, he's also really happy to have some limited exposure to friends (he's keen to stick to his previous once a week socials).

TIA.

This is really tough for all of us. Yesterday I had a meeting with my son's teacher and told him he had no friends. The teacher wasn't surprised because he said little'un "talked down" to the rest of the class. He doesn;t know he's doing this, and would be mortified if he thought he was. he is in a peer group of his own chronological age, but, as 3 EPs have said, he needs to be with older kids (tye school won't allow this)

Anyhow - that said - I did pick up a book, and for once it actually did help:

The Unwritten Rules Of friendship
Natalie Madorsky Elman & Eileen Kennedy-Moore
http://www.amazon.com/Unwritten-Rul...UTF8&qid=1274521300&sr=8-1-fkmr0

The problem with all these books is that they try to compartmentalise kids into different 'types', (making 90% of the content not applicable to your individual situation) but we are more complex than that. So, dib in and I'm sure you will find some really useful stuff

I don't know how much this will help, but when we moved next door to a boy my sons' age who has his own unusual social skills, there were some bumps. My sons were used to playing with each other and the other boy was used to playing alone. They wanted to play as a group but there were frustrations.

We very simply talked about 'practice'. It takes practice learning to play with different personalities, in groups of three rather than just two who have been playing together since they were babies.

The other thing we did was simply to keep an eye on the mood. Sunny outdoor-play days are when the boys are most compatible. They are least compatible after a library-visit, when my boys would like to read, or when someone is grumpy to begin with.

Most important, though, was explaining that 'practice' applies sometimes to learning to play cooperatively with different kids. They aren't best friends now, but play well together.

Tks Raddy and Min, this IS a toughie for most people I'm sure.

I'm thinking that what I choose to do depends on how I see things a few years out. I'd like him to resolve his own issues and learn that in the real world, he's not likely to be friends with everyone anyway, so he has the right to choose. This is the time to experiment, make mistakes and undo those mistakes if need be. So what I plan to do is bring him for co-op classes that he likes. If the social situation doesn't work out, I'm not pulling him out. He either learns to work it out or to ignore the situation so he can continue with his classes, especially if he likes what he's learning. I'll definitely listen, be sympathetic, provide some suggestions etc, but the battles are his, not mine.

Sometimes, just writing about the issue, getting input from you guys and then stewing over it for a few days does wonders to clear the brain!

One thing I have noticed is that the world is a lot different to when I was a boy (I'm 50 now - living in the UK). Kids used to play out in the street - "the school of hard knocks" - and important social skills that were once taught there aren't any more. I think the kids are short of soft skills, most socialising is parent fostered and chaperoned - usually the moms.
We are afraid - rightly or wrongly - to let our kids outdoors (personally this is mainly because of cars - the streets have no space for kids)
Take my son - from Friday evening 'til Monday morning he mostly will just spend time with me and the missus, maybe his gran.

I'm not sure what the solution is really - iof there is one. the boo recommendation is still a good'un tho'

Raddy, that's so true. All the more, I should just leave it be and let him take/dish out what he needs. Especially if he knows he can't run to me anymore, he'll have to resolve things himself.

I'll be sure to look through your book recommendation for answers. Tks!