Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy A must-read article before talking to the school..

A Response to the "All Children are Gifted" Comment

Especially read page 3!
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Thank you for the link.

Thanks--interesting read.

I could have used some of that at my son's conference today. I got the "they all even out in their rate of learning by 9 or 10". I respectfully disagreed but I don't think I made friends when I said that some children may appear this way because they are no longer challenged and end up justing learning how to be like everyone else.

I also was told that my son frequently tells everyone (other parents and children) that he is smart. And likes to tell them way more information to answer a question because he is so smart. I don't think my husband and I refer to him as being smart in front of him but part of me wanted to ask the teacher is she preferred I tell him he is dumb to bring down his self-esteem. He has a hard enough time with friends as it is. Urgh. He's only 5. I am sure these things are not going to get any easier for us.

crisc - I am sorry that the conference didn't go well. I've had some that weren't so great too so I know how that feels. Ugh.

About your son frequently telling everyone else how smart he is, that is something you can do something about. I see these problems in my kid's school where some kids who are extremely bright, like to tell the other kids just how smart they are. This does not make them liked or popular with the other children. You definitely don't want to hurt his self esteem in any way, but you can explain to him that he doesn't need to tell others how smart he is. He can tell you all day long but that it might hurt other children's feelings to be told they aren't as bright as he is. I'm sure he thinks he is just sharing truthful information so he doesn't see it as being potentially hurtful to others.

At least he is young and you can help lead him in that direction now. The kids I'm thinking of are in 4th grade and the other children have started retaliating again them when they are informed how smart the other children are. It's kind of sad because they don't get why the other kid's just don't like them. Good luck!!!!

I would like to explore this issue of PG kids telling others that they are smart. We have the same problem with our 5 year old son. The problem is, he is very smart, like all the other children mentioned here. We want him to feel good about this and not ashamed. This goes along with all the other social graces he hasn't learned yet and we find ourselves apologizing for. I have tried the advice EandCmom has given about using the strategy that it will make others feel bad if they don't feel as bright as he is, but that didnt' resonate with him. He mentioned that we always say how great his cousin is in baseball and that doesn't make him feel bad that he isn't a great baseball player.

Zia's mom - I think the problem is that he is the one saying how smart he is and you are the ones saying how great his cousin is in baseball. If his cousin was constantly telling him how great he was in baseball, your DS make get tired of that too. Maybe you could get him to see the difference. The kids at school don't like the kids who brag about how wonderful they are at anything - sports, etc. - not just the ones who brag about being smart. I personally don't care much for the adults that I know that brag about things (and in fact they are talked about by other parents) so it isn't just a problem for children!!! LOL!!!! So maybe you could get him to see that it is the bragging that isn't socially acceptable.

I tried talking with my son tonight about not telling people that he is smart. It did not go well. He told me that he isn't hurting other people's feeling since he is telling the truth. Only lies hurt people. I like his logic. I also tried to impress upon him that bragging was not acceptable. I don't think he could fully appreciate my reasoning.

I ended up just telling him it makes me happy when he doesn't say it to people. He promised me that he would try but he does know that I will still love him if he forgets.

I like his reasoning too!!! Don't you just love the way kids think??? He's little and it is hard to understand why you can't just say things that are the truth. Social norms are hard to understand sometimes. I'm sorry your talk didn't go well but I am sure he'll get it as he gets older. I've always told my kids "if you got it, you don't gotta flaunt it" because everyone will be able to see it without you telling anyone. It seems to help sometimes when they start bragging about something (as they all will do!!!)

Your post just struck a cord with me as a dear friend's DD is having trouble with no one liking her and I know from other people talking that it is because she brags about how smart she is. She just feels that she is telling the truth but the other kids are really disliking her and are saying mean things behind her back. Her mother just can't understand why she doesn't have friends and I have been wondering whether or not to share the information. So far I haven't because I don't want to hurt her feelings but also part of me thinks I should tell her so she can talk to her DD and maybe tame the behavior and maybe kids will like her more. It's hard to know what to do sometimes!

Crisc - Oh My! ((Hugs!!!))
I'm guessing you were quite provoked by the time the conversation got there.

I'm sure you are correct, and it must ahve felt great to tell the Truth! But at what cost? Teachers have been lied to repeatedly and thoroughly. Remember the Saturday Night Live skits where Attilla the Hun gets told off and has an epifiny about leading Peacefully, and a spotlight speech, that ends in "Naaaaaaah" with the handguesture that wipes it all away?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you probably have some 'relationship repair' to start doing. I've BTDT too.

((Mind Trip Alert: Wasn't there a movie where Jack Nicholson starts screaming, "You Want the Truth? You can't handle the Truth!"))

Here's my schematic for dealing with people who believe a totally different and conflicting reality than mine. Start with were they are. Imagine a set of steps that could lead to where you are without making them wrong at any step along the way, work on moving them toward's step one. More specifically, I have been in similar situations, and said things like: "Thanks so much for trying to reasure me, but his cousin and my brother actually accelerated their rate of leaning around age 10. Let's proceed on the assumption that once in a great while the rate issue stays, OK?

BTW - I didn't "win" even with all that careful speaking. After I had won the local level folks over to my side, the district send down a central player to quash it. So I am certianly not saying that verbal negotiation tactics work! Further - I hate to call 'begging' a negotiation. When I was advocating within the Public School system, I felt like they had all the power and I had none. I think the fact that Advocacy does work at all is a testimate to the teachers and School Admins following the highest human impulses.

There is a book called "Getting to Yes" that goes into negotiation tactics in more detail.

Sometimes a really really bad school meeting is the best thing that could have happend, because it makes 'Plan B' look better and better, and it turns out that 'Plan B' is so much better for the family than 'Plan A' could ever have been. That's what happened to us anyway.

((shrugs and ))
Grinity

This is such a trick issue for some! BTDT! I think the grade skip was instrumental in fixing this. DS says that if you go into a gradeskip with the 'I'm the smartest' attitude, you will fail. Not sure it he sees this as happening to him or not.

I just checked with DS11. He says that many things which are true, just can't be said, if you want other people to want to be with you. He files it under the topic "Life isn't fair."

Here's how I would try to explain why a child 'must not' talk about being smarter than others at school.

Most people grow up feeling badly about themselves. They feel that they aren't attractive enough, smart enough, special enough. This is a giant lie that gets repeated over and over until people think, "Of course that's true." This Giant lie is really bad for everyone, and when it's time to stand up and do what is right, this Giant Lie gets in the way and makes it even harder than it has to be.


Although it is true that you are unusual in having different learning needs than the kids you are near, it doesn't mean that they aren't smart, attractive and special. Every kid is those things in abundance, although if the Giant Lie is piled on deep enough, the kids won't believe it or act like it until later.

Anyway, part of making a better world is personally putting a stop to this Giant Lie wherever you can. It's like that Monster on Star Trek that feeds off of people's bad feelings. I will do whatever I can to make sure that your learning needs are met, and I want you to wait patiently, and not repeat the Giant Lie at school. Some Problems are large enough that they take years to fix, maybe generations! Let's work together to fight this problem, ok? At home, you can tell me all about what makes your mind special, and I will listen and applaud, because I never believed the Giant Lie about my intelligence, so it can't hurt me.

Then you have a basis to look around the world for the Giant Lie. You can point to almost anything bad and trace it back to the Giant Lie. People smoking in public, maybe they were told that smoking would make them 'cool' (attractive) and that they shouldn't think for themselves becuase they weren't smart. Anything that seperates the world into 'Winners' and 'Losers' is part of the Giant Lie.

Anyway, good luck. Our kids do get slammed for telling the truth, and it just isn't fair. But I think that if we can point them towards the bigger picture and inspire them, they will come along.

((hugs))
Grinity

Telling the truth, how interesting of a topic. DD9 was similar and had a "healthy" self-image that didn't win her too many friends. Over time and after many conversations she has learned that although some things are true, you don't say them out loud. Like commenting on a person's weight, or disability or intellect. She is old enough to have learned tact, whereas it is a harder skill for younger children.

We have always approached her intellect like any other attribute (brown hair, great sense of humor, tall etc.) She is different from other people because of the combination of all those attributes, not because of one single one. Not to say that this has always worked perfectly, but maybe it has helped.

Jen

I was just asking my son about this because an adult had said something to me about how smart he was, and since she hadn't known him for more than a few minutes in a non-academic situation, I figured he was probably bragging. I asked how she knew he was smart, and he looked at me like I had three heads.

"I dunno. I guess she could just tell."

"Did you tell her that you're smart?"

[DS6 clucks tongue disapprovingly] "No, Mom. I wouldn't brag like that." [eye roll]

Despite the bit of attitude there, I did find it amusing that this is his take on the "I'm so smart" issue. Apparently those talks we had early this year--when he did brag about how smart he was--have paid off! LOL!

(I also think home schooling has helped, BTW. But that's less funny than the other reason things have improved.)

My DD has always know she is very smart. She also knows she cannot take any credit for how smart she is and therefore it is nothing to brag about. She can feel proud (and even brag a bit) if she has worked really hard on something and she has learned/mastered a new skill. We always talk about the fact that we can only do our best and that our best is different for different kids.

We had some parenting classes last year at her school where the subject came up of just how much you tell your children about their giftedness. Some parents believed that they had to "hide" it from their neighbors/friends. I very strongly believe that kids need to know they are different. Not better, but definitely different than most kids. I feel that with self awareness they learn to become humble. My kid or your kid can be very smart, even profoundly gifted, but there is always another kid who is even more gifted/talented/tall/cuter (fill in the blank).

There is a quote on her baby book which I have tried to teach her to live by:

"Much is required from those to whom much is given, for their responsibility is greater."
Luke 12:48

It also helps that all the kids at her school are smart, so it would be sort of pointless to brag amongst each other about how smart they are!!

I think that if our children see us looking uncomfortable around the topic of our difference, it sends a strong and negative message.

((shrugs))

Not that it's easy to do otherwise.
Grin

I totally agree about letting your child know they are different. I was never ID'ed GT in school, but I always felt different and I seriously thought something was wrong with me through elementary school. It would have been extremely empowering to know "why" I felt different and that there were other people who felt the same.

DS knows he is GT, but I've always told him that just makes it easier for him to learn certain things. Some people take a little longer. He's more likely to call himself dumb, than brag about how smart he is. Which is annoying too. Occassionally, he'll throw out his reading level (his teacher told him this) if someone comments on some book he's carrying around.

Only through elementary school? Wow! I was also unidentified, and sure that there was something wrong with me until 2 years ago while learning about DS's condition. Is that possible? It feels like forever ago.

((shrug))
((Giggle))
Grinity

Ha! Well, that is true for me as well, but I felt freakishly different in elementary school. In HS and college I managed to find a few like minded freinds! I really thought people weren't trying in math when they didn't get it immediately. College calculus should be easy and fun for everyone, right?!

There really should be a 12 step program for GT denial!