Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Maintain friendship with parents with same age kid

Hi

I like to know, do you have any idea, or experience to share, to maintain the friendship with other parents with similar age kids??

DS4 is my only child, I did not have idea how advanced he was/is, everything he done was pretty normal to me. I like him to play with his age mates cause he is bit lonely sometimes, also I love to social with some parents, they are lovely people with wonderful children.

I used to have a friend who I know more than 30 years, also her son is a few months younger than DS. She loved to tell me how advanced, how cute her son is, early talker, very mature, I always listen and said:� That�s amazing, I wish my son could do that�( my son is later talker). However once I talked what my son accomplished, she got very quiet, and finally said:� It would not be very successful just being good at math�, since then she never ever talked to me a word.

So, I started very careful talking about my son to my friends who has kids like my son�s age. But when they were talking about kid learning letters and counting in Kindergarten, and asked about my son, I don�t know what to say, I felt guilty to say he knew all these before 2. Still my son�s abilities are getting harder and harder to hide, he tells times, date, help his 8 years old friend with two digit multiplication, read books, which their five years not even close.

I don�t want to see their disappointing face, and getting worry about their own children, I know every kids is different, and special in their own way, and I also enjoy being friends with them.

Can you please share your experience? And any ideas please?

Thanks:-)

We've found that how open the friendship can be totally depends on the other family. For instance, my dd11 has a friend whom she has known since they were 2-3 years old. This relationship just got harder and harder as the girls got older. I believe that a lot of it had to do with the other child's parent having some insecurities and being in denial that there was a difference between our children. Everytime something obvious made it clear that they were not of the same intellect, it created a blow up or the other parent getting really hurt & upset.

I have another friend whose dd is close to dd11's age and, again, there is some degree of a difference in terms of the children's abilities. However, this other child is probably close to gifted or at least somewhat above average. Her mother also has no illusions that the girls are of the same ability and doesn't seem to have any insecurities about it. She accepts my dd for who she is and celebrates her own child's strengths without comparing the two constantly. This has, obviously, been a much easier friendship to maintain.

The biggest problem in the first instance has been since dd has been older (5+) and has been very aware of the other parent comparing them. Dd was very uncomfortable with being asked to read things to the other mom when she was over playing with the other child or with being asked at "what level" she was doing various things. I tried very hard not to get drawn into getting upset when the comparisons and drama was directed at me, but it became a significant problem when it started to be directed to dd.

Cricket2
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Thanks sharing your stories.

DS is still young, and his pre-school teachers and mates on classes has not knows he is different, I just wonder that could happen one day, eventually, and he will lose his friends:-(

I think, 1 or 2 years beyond is probably okay, cause the parents would think that we hot housing the kids, but...do something double his age kids do, seems unbelievable to them.
I do understand their feeling, I just don't know how to deal with this...

I wish I had answers. We have experienced this ourselves. My kids still ask about friends. It's hard to see their disappointment.

I'm sorry you've lost your friend and I can see how that would make a person cautious. It may be one of those things that happened more because it was a person you've known forever and you were drifting a bit into different parenting philosophies anyway. The peak of this stuff tends to be during the toddler and preschooler years in my experience.

My suggestion would be to think about cultivating friendships with people who have stuff other than kid milestones to talk about. And, have prepared a few changing the conversation approaches. Even something like "I notice we always end up talking about the kids...let's talk about the adults for once. Have you been reading anything good lately... (or are you planning a garden this summer...or whatever).

Thanks,I am trying to do that:-)

No wonder many gifted children's parents commented that, they feel isolate.

Also I found the forum is such safe place that I can share my feeling and my son's accomplishment.

Sometimes, I wonder, why people can brag their children's accomplishment in sports, music,... but we feel guilty to talk about our children's abilities in reading and math..??

master of none
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Thanks for the support.

She is very competetive sort of person. She can hardly bear someone done thing better than her. It is okay for me that she get better job, bought bigger house, have better life sort of thing, but she can not handle my son is kind of "smarter" than hers..even I told her many times her son gifted in a different way

Anyway, it is really up to her, and I will do my best to resume the friendship.

Now I am more worring my son will lost his friends one day, he is not only just very bright, but also bossy,justice..sometimes just little too much

Finding common ground with other mom's can sometimes be challenging, but it's not impossible.
It takes 2 have a competition. Competitive people need fuel to keep burning, so my advise is to defuse it. When you feel she is trying to one-up say very happily "well that's great I'm so happy for you" and then change the subject. When she asks about your kids' accomplishments, only give general answers "she is doing very well, thanks for asking", and then change the subject. Eventually the tension and competitive feelings will lessen and you guys will find safer topics to talk about.


I not yet worry about a 4yo being to bossy or intense. 3-4yo need to explore, test, and develop their sense of self and control.
This, especially in gifted kids, can produce intense personality traits, that will most likely lesson with maturity.