Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy New here...maybe this is right place?

I'm pretty new here.. I've been reading this board for a few weeks and see that maybe this is what I have been looking for.

A little background: I have a wonderful little 10 month old daughter who appears to be gifted (both my husband and I were labeled as gifted throughout school, for what that's worth). She has always been quite advanced in every area. Socially, she had a social smile from day 2 on, belly laughs at 1 month, and was always extremely alert as a baby. Physically she was standing at 2 months (the dr chastised me for this, so I said YOU try telling her not to stand!), cruising at 5 months, walking at 8.5 months. Communication, she signed her first sign at 5 months, said her first verbal word at 6 months and now has over 50 signs and 20 words that she uses almost daily. She often uses them in more than 2 word combinations, for example, at 7 months she told daddy using a mixture of speaking and sign "dada, kitty is under the bed". This was something she recalled after 20 minutes of distraction and playing. She loves books and can recognize a few words that she sees often (cat, dog, mama, clap, etc).

Anyway, I could go on and on, that's my point. I have NO ONE to talk to. For the last 5 years while my husband and I were trying have our daughter, I clapped and cheered and cried right along with all of our friends in their children's accomplishments. Now I have my baby and I feel like I can't talk to them about anything! Our relationships feel very strained because I don't feel like I can talk to them about anything my daughter is up to, but she is my whole life, what more do I have to talk about?

The biggest thing right now that drove me to post here is that our daughter decided she wanted to potty train herself over the last few weeks. We bought a potty for future use and she took an immediate interest in it and "got it" right away and has been using it ever since. Most moms get to brag about their child's potty accomplishments, but I don't. I feel like I have to hide it because most of my friends 2.5 + year olds haven't started yet (though totally developmentally appropriate for them). When my daughter asks for potty at their houses and is successful, I feel uncomfortable.

I know there are a lot of people that think that it is too soon to label an infant, but I think at this point, I don't know where an infant like her would fit other than in the gifted world. I just want to feel like a "normal" mom, being able to feel proud and say it out loud, or just being able to converse about silly things she is doing or a new thing she has learned. Am I in the right place?

I also need help in other ways, of course, but there are other posts for that. :-D Thanks SO much for reading this far, I think I feel better already!

In some parts of the world, early potty training is the norm. You just need to make some EC (elimination communication) friends and you can brag away.

Welcome to the board.

Part of the draw of this forum is the ability to "VENT". We do it a lot along with commiserating, cheering, back patting and vaious other kinds of support. It really is too soon to know who your little person is going to be, but as a general rule... "Mother knows best".

So welcome aboard. There is a ton of good advice and experience here. If what you suspect about your DD is true, you'll find her between the lines of many other's postings and be able to relate. Use what you find to help keep you sane, cause it can be a wild ride!!

Hey Rachael C - In hindsight, I wish I had kept better records of developmental milestones with my little ones. Perhaps you might learn from this and take good notes!! Deborah Ruf says that physical milestones are mostly irrelevant to giftedness however she has a whole list of 'academic' milestones that are more telling - things like colours, shapes, numbers, letters, word count, sentence structure, etc. Perhaps you might go through the list and make up a spreadsheet so that you have comprehensive notes about what and when your little one achieves certain milestones. This type of information is invaluable further down the track. But if not kept at the time, the data is often lost...

jojo

Welcome Rachael

Here is definitely a place you can come vent and even brag - perhaps you have noticed there is a whole thread devoted to bragging since so many people here don't have a safe place to do this.
It sounds like you have a wonderful little girl. And when you are with the other moms maybe you can talk about things like how much she loves (or tortures) that cat or other topics that do not include milestones. Then come vent or brag away on here about the rest. :-)

Knowing that you have a gifted young child can be very lonely. I hope your child's father is on board, as very close family - for me my husband and the grandparents, were the only place I could speak my mind at that point. The good news is that this part of bringing up a gifted kid usually does get easier. In the end other people really have no choice but to see and accept what your kid is, although they may call you pushy for a while. In my experience other first time moms can be the worst for this due to all those insecurities a new parent has, but honestly, you can come across the very best of people this way too - there really are a few who genuinely will support you, and those friendships are amazing.
Oh and welcome, vent away.

Thanks for the welcome! I've been reading other's posts, as you've mentioned and that's what made me come to terms with the fact that she may be gifted! So many of the stories about early development could have been written by our family! When I'm reading these posts, I feel like I've finally arrived at the right stop on the train :-P....Thanks for listening!

Thanks jojo! We actually do have a spreadsheet already! We originally started it because she was always so fun and funny and we wanted to remember her stories, but then her language grew and grew and we were using it as a way to track that, then the other milestones made their way there because we thought no one, not even us would believe these timelines unless we captured them.

I read a few articles on Deborah Ruf's site. Those are very informative. A few things I noticed that I didn't know wasn't quite the "norm" or wasn't sure was the "Understand adult directives and questions by 6-12 months". From about 4 months on, our daughter has been able to answer things like "where's dada/ duck/ kitty, etc", and int he last few months she can do things like "I think the kitty's need water" (turns the sink on), and "if you are all done with that, turn it off" (turns the toy or whatever off). She can also tell us things like "what does a kitty say" or for the Sandra Boyton fans "what do 3 singing pigs say" which she picked up as her opening line of her comedy act a few weeks ago :-). We have always felt like we have another adult in the house because of that :-P.

The other thing that stood out was the "independently looked at and turned pages of books by 11-15 months". She has been doing this since about 5 months. For books with actions or flip open windows, she turns each page and does all the actions in turn and then finishes the book and starts again. She even has a few books in her bed. When she wakes up in the night or early in the morning, the first thing she does is reads her books (and kisses the pages with animals on them ;)).

She has said 2 word phrases for quite some time, "Mama, go!", "Hi, dada", "more water", etc.


Anyway, there are others that stood out, but as I said I could go on and on and on! I'll save some for some other posts! Thanks again for the information!

*** So I read the article in its entirity and realized that the "milestones" that I selected were not representative of her timelines (books and understanding parents...like perhaps my daughter in those skills that are measurable right now may be at a Level 5 EEEK!

Your daughter sounds wonderful and very much like mine at that age, minus the potty training. I completely understand your frustration about being able to talk about your child. It was hard for me as well and I had to learn to just keep my mouth shut. When I did share I felt like I was being attacked or basically laughed at and told I had to be making things up. It is just easier not to share. The nice thing is now that DD is 3 1/2, I am able to share with some friends who also have gifted kids. Most of them are moderately gifted and are not as advanced as DD, but the moms recognize that and yet, they don't show jealousy. I just recently had a girls' night out with some of these moms and we talked about the kids of course, but nothing was trying to one up each other. It just feels good to be able to share what your child is doing, working on and know they too are finding their way with their own children. It wasn't anything I had when DD was a baby. My close friend of the time was competitive and childish and is no longer a friend of mine. Sometimes you have to know when to cut the strings and I finally did last summer. No longer am I dealing with the competitive conversations and having to watch what I shared so to spare her ... it just isn't worth it. This said, I still don't brag about DD or start a conversation about what she is doing. It is always the other moms encouraging me to share. I guess I have been burned too many times and just learned to keep my mouth shut, but am discovering there are moms out there that don't judge (at least to my face).

I have to say this is the most welcome I have ever felt since becoming a parent! I've read the brag threads and love everything all the kiddos are up to! Some of them I can relate to, some I get a lovely picture of what's still to come!

I'll definitely heed your advice about topics with other moms. I'm learning slowly but surely what NOT to say to anyone who isn't in the same boat! Thanks to all of you for being so supportive! I'll look forward to hearing about all your children as well.

Welcome and, yes, there are somethings there that I can definitely relate too! BTW, your DR. sounds a bit off... has he given you any other problems with your DD being advanced? Maybe just something to keep an eye on. We had some relatives say similar things and that's never fun.

About talking to other moms, I've really learned good topics. I talk about DD's sleep habits (or total lack thereof!), her current interests, her crazy eating habits etc. It's not like her sight words come up in everyday conversation, you know what I mean?

Somethings DD does are too obvious (she's always been very physically advanced). If people ask when she started walking, etc. I just tell them but make sure I say it very matter of factly so it does not sound like I'm bragging. Also, I might even through in something about some of DD's bright friends who were late walkers if I see that a nervous/anxious parent is asking.

Most of my close friends know that it hasn't been all roses with DD. She's a WONDERFUL kid but definitely a handful so I haven't had to do with much envy.

BTW, I came over here when DD was 6 months so I can relate to have a demanding infant.

I wonder about this. The more I read this board, the more clear it seems that there are lots of different ways to be gifted, and probably lots of different neurological causes. So if you average over all the kids, some things may wash out, statistically speaking.

But I've seen enough comments here from parents whose gifted kids were physically advanced as babies, I do think there may be something to it. Maybe a subset of gifted kids have some kind of global neurological advancement (early myelination, maybe?) that causes both physical and cognitive advancement.

DANG, I really want to do some research on this!

Hi Rachael C,

It is too bad that we don't live in the same town and can go to the park together. Your little girl sounds delightful. I have an 9.5 year old boy who is a DYSer and a 8 month old daughter. I spent my entire pregnancy trying to tell myself that I should not measure my DD based on my son's accomplishments. I wanted to enjoy her and celebrate her individuality without ever conveying to her that she was somehow "less" than my son.

Well, considering the fact that she is blowing through the developmental milestones much faster than my son did , I don't think I have to worry. So if you want to share fun stories with someone who understands what you are going through, feel free to PM (personal message) me. It may not be as fun as going to a park or taking a stroller walk together, but we can hang out here.

ebeth

You are soooo right! It's so lonely. I thought I would have a kid and get to join the exclusive mommy/ parent club and instead I'm still standing on the outskirts. My husband is wonderfully supportive and is willing to devote any resources on the planet to ensuring that she gets the enrichment/ stimulation she needs to stay sane (he hated school because he wasnt challenged). His parents watch our daughter while I work 3 days a week and they were the ones who first commented about her "condition" .

I'm so sorry to hear you lost a friend over this wonderful thing! Unfortunately I feel like my everyday friends are slipping away, so at least I know I'm not alone here. My best friend does not believe in "gifted" and thinks I need to ignore it and treat her like a baby. I'm on the other side of the fence where, if she is unhappy or bored, I need to recognize her strengths in order to keep her enriched and occupied and to ensure that we get her the most appropriate education possible. Ugh...so we are at odds and seem very uncomfortable around each other now.

Actually, yes we have some problems with the Dr. We actually see him because he is ok with me not giving antibiotics or drugs for every little thing and supports whole body health and delayed vaccination, but he is terrible regarding ehr development. He never listens to what she is up to. He says things like (a few months ago), here put this cream on her stomach (for eczema) for a few months until she is mobile. Uh, she's been mobile for months and months! Or she was talking to me at her 9 month appt and his jaw dropped and he said "she talks?". Uh, yeah for over 3 months now...you know? I'm not sure where to find a dr that will fit ALL our needs.

Thanks for the advice about how to respond to people. I always feel like people think she is some freak...but I guess if I respond matter of factly with no emotion, maybe people will begin to think its normal .

I'm so glad to hear that you knew early on too. I do feel pretty confidant that unless she suddenly stops all cognitive development that I'm going to have a super smarty on my hands :-). What was your first inkling?

You know, I'm glad you mentioned this. I didn't want to "ruffle feathers" on the first day but I don't tend to agree and there is other research to refute that as well (I know I should dig it up before opening my mouth...maybe another day I can get the links :)). My daughter has met every milestone, physical, social, verbal, etc more than 30% in advance of her age peers. How can it be that they are not related? Did you have the same experience?

Oooh sounds like you surely have your hands full! How wonderful though that they will each have their own strengths! Yes, I wish we lived closer! Wouldn't it be nice to be able to talk freely about everything that is happening at break neck speed! I'd love to chat with you about everything..I'll send you a note. Thanks for the welcome!

I'm confused and it has been a little while since I read Ruf's book but she has clear markers in infancy that are related to gifted and are physical, such as early control of neck muscles. Maybe you are talking about early walking? My daughter was an average walker and I know a lot of members on this board had average or late walkers but many had early walkers. DD is a perfectionists and though she could theoretically walk by the time she was 11 months old; she wouldn't until she was sure she could master it which meant months of us holding her hand as she walked around until at 14 1/2 months she finally let go and did it on her own. She chose our anniversary to do it so we laugh and say it was her present to us. (Not the first anniversary present she gave us either. When she was 2 1/2 months she said elephant on our anniversary. A word she worked on for days as she focused on each syllable and on our anniversary she put it all together.)

As for Ruf's book ... I think I need to pull it out and review the infancy sections of the levels because I remember a lot of clues for gifted.

re: physical milestones

I've noticed from reading these boards and also people I know in person certain trends:

early everything- basically these kids are early across the board, noticeably so (for the most part this is DD but she might also fit in the late talker category)

early verbal, late physical- some kids seems to have extraordinary vocabularies (and maybe hit other non-physical milestones early) but wait for walking and then tend to pull it off perfectly

late talkers- didn't start talking to 2+ but *usually* then started talking in full sentences, but might clearly have an amazing receptive vocab and show other signs of high intelligence (this was DH)

bursts- could appear totally normal but all of a sudden show bursts of highly advanced skills (this was me)

I wasn't including people that are 2E just because I haven't talked to as many (or the people I know weren't diagnosed). This is purely anecdotal but I wonder if these patterns are indicative of later learning styles? For instance, in the book Einstein Syndrome (at least the parts that I read) it seems that there are a lot of similarities among the late talkers. I wonder if any of these other subsets of gifted styles have been studied?

I *think* that the reason that physical milestones are discounted is because there are a number of kids in the early verbal, late physical and the bursts categories.

Just my conjectures, so take this at your own risk!

I think there are perhaps some kids who are physically advanced because they are simply more athletic. Then, there are kids who are physically advanced when they want to be, simply because they are more driven. And of course there are kids who are very highly gifted and who aren't interested in physical stuff as much or who have other issues that hold them back.

Wrt the neck control thing, I think that it shows awareness and focus. It might also show early motor development, or it could be that most newborns are physically capable of lifting their heads but don't because they don't have the desire.

It is so hard to tell what is going on inside those little heads sometimes. DD is one of those kids who always seems to have more going on under the surface than we can see. When she was a toddler, before she was even 18 months, she regularly walked up & down stairs, alternating feet, without holding on to anything (I hovered with my hands out like a lunatic, but she never fell). Then she stopped, and didn't do it again until she was 4. We've seen this pattern again and again with both mental and physical skills, but mostly with the physical ones. If it was simply about ability, I wouldn't expect to see regression. So I think it is largely about drive. The kid likes a challenge.

Every path has it's own advantages - I got to join the momy club because I had 'zero' idea of what normal was, and was blissfully ignorant. Of course when school started I got my payback. On the whole I'm sad that you feel lonely, but I'm jealous that you know 'right away.' Sooner or later, many of these kids 'out' us - and we can both be grateful that our children both did that.

Sounds like your DH and in-laws are on board, and that is also worth more then a whole subdivision full of mommy-club moms.

I'm really glad to hear that you are keeping notes.

Enjoy the board, and join Connecticut Association of Gifted, ok?
Grinity

I can relate to your dilemna, welcome to the boards.
I lost a friendship early on. I was socially aware enough to not talk about any of my child's milestones. But, then I met someone who had a child of a similar age, and she was sooo interested in learning more about my DD and how she was reading at age 2 or so. Well, turns out, she really wasn't that interested or hearing about it bothered her, and the friendship abruptly ended.
Now I am even more careful. Luckily, there are gt communities all over. My closest friend here in town has a son who would have qualified for DYS easily, had she known about it, and recently when I was overwhelmed by achievement test results she was the only person whom I could talk to.
You'll figure it out. It is hard and you need support, you seem to have it in your in laws, our families don't really get it.

Yes you do need support,and it's great that you have some of that from family.

I didn't really know about giftedness when my son was born, searched high and low for the reason he just wouldn't sleep/stare like the other babies. I tried the Mommy-clubs, and I have to say they were a hindrance rather than a help. They made me feel like I was doing something wrong, and that's why my baby wasn't happy to lie under the mobile for twenty minutes. I accept that not all of the groups are like that, I'm just saying - it's quite possible you didn't miss anything, and maybe even saved yourself some grief.

Now, you know what you are looking for in support, and when you find it you'll know. Otherwise you can just let it go, IYKWIM.

That dovetails pretty neatly with my experience with dd. At five she developed a fondness for Sylvia Plath...but we kept extra underpants in the glove box of the car because potty training was still not 100%.