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I'm new here, and I'm hoping some of you will be able to help. My cousin is a faculty member at Davidson and he's told me all about the place, so I thought it (and this forum) might be a good place to start.
I have a 9-month-old daughter. I don't know nearly enough to determine whether or not she's gifted at such a young age, but my wife and I do have reason to suspect that she's at least "advanced." That being said, she's presenting us with some unique problems, and we're completely at a loss as to how to deal with them.
One problem in particular is tantrums. Over the last couple of months, it's become clear to us that she has learned to manipulate us with screeching, flailing, and generally complaining and being obnoxious. The issue we face is that she's apparently old enough to use a tantrum to get her way, but she isn't old enough for us to explain (in words, anyway) why this behavior isn't okay. In the past, we've been quick to change her environment somehow - e.g., new toy, different interaction, food, change of position, change of location - but we're thinking that that might be a mistake on our parts. By catering to her negative behavior, we feel we're only reinforcing it.
But she's so young! We know that we shouldn't reinforce the tantrums, but at the same time, we know we should be giving her lots of attention and changes of pace (and we do!). We don't want to teach her that tantrums earn her what she wants, but we don't want to teach her that we're ignoring or abandoning her, either.
We've tried time-out, but she's just so young. She does seem to understand that she's being corrected somehow, but she has so little control over her emotions that she becomes frantic if we leave her in time-out for too long, and she forgets why she's there.
We just don't know what to do about this, so we come to you kind folks. Have any of you experienced similar behaviors with your own children when they were very young? If so, how did you learn to effectively handle it?
Any help you offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
We had a really rough newborn/baby stage. I don't really have any great tips as nothing much worked until DS learned to speak. It's like he had so much to tell me but until he was able to he was just frustrated. I did what you did and gave him changes fairly often. I spend a lot of time holding him and talking to him as I went about my daily routine moving him around the house with me. That seemed to help a little bit.
She is only 9 months so I don't think doing things to make her happy is a bad thing or is teaching her any bad behavior. She has no way to ask or tell you and she has such a short attention span that changing things up for her and giving her lots of attention is a good thing, in my opinion.
Yes, we've experienced tantrums from a very young age. I would first like to say that I come at this from a different perspective. I would never say DD is trying to manipulate me or is trying to be obnoxious but rather that she is trying to express her frustrations at whatever the situation is but lacks the words to explain that or the knowledge to understand why things are happening in a certain way.
So coming from that perspective here's what we do. Prevention is best. Make sure your kid has enough sleep, isn't hungry, isn't bored, isn't being ignored etc. If there is something you know is going to set off your kid just try and avoid it (around 6 months DD was deathly afraid of a certain toy and would freak out when she saw it so we just avoided showing it to her or would try and introduce it to her very gently so she would know it wouldn't hurt her). Also some toys when taken away ALWAYS caused a tantrum so we either didn't introduce them to her too often or tried to prepare a very, very good distraction when they needed to be taken away.
FWIW, I think 9 months is WAY too young for time outs. Actually, I tend to believe time-outs are rather ineffective and I don't like the philosophy that separation from parents is a punishment (especially since we already had a number of issues with separation anxiety at that age). Why are you putting her in time outs? Does she understand the reason behind it? I've always heard that it's supposed to be a minute for ever year of age so under a year is too young...
Honestly, if you're dealing with a gifted child the easiest thing on everyone involved if following their lead. Provide a safe baby-proofed environment where your child can explore and there's not many things that she would need to be corrected on. Our apt is proofed to the nth degree. Granted, DD figured out how to get into a number of things very early on (all those electrical socket covers came off immediately!) so we rearranged a lot of furniture/toys so they weren't in her line of site.
The one exception was the cat's litter box, it's in the bathroom and we started putting her on the potty at 9 months so it was an issue. We just never let her walk by it so she learned pretty quickly that we always picked her up and carried her past that part of the bathroom. Once she figured that out we let her walk by and just made it clear she shouldn't go near it and she never dos now.
I'd also suggest to look at what your daughter is trying to tell and don't put age expectations on her (especially if she is advanced). We really had to think outside of the box with DD to help with her tantrums (like early potty training, moving her out of a crib/pack and play very early on, etc.) but things got soooo much better once we followed her lead instead of trying to do the "age appropriate" thing that every recommends.
I also wanted to add that you might want to look into baby signing. It's helped DD a lot. Unfortunately, she's hit somewhat of a road block because of her fine motor skills but she's knows a lot of signs and will use them to communicate with me.
Over the last couple of months, it's become clear to us that she has learned to manipulate us with screeching, flailing, and generally complaining and being obnoxious.
That's GREAT. She's figured out that she can interact with her environment and that she can make things happen. Believe it or not, that is a wonderful thing.
I wouldn't look at responding to her needs and desires as teaching her that tantrums are a good way to get what she wants. I'd look at responding to her needs as teaching her that she can and should communicate with her parents, who will be responsive and helpful if they can be. Right now, tantrums are how she communicates her strongest desires. No, they're not the most pleasant. But they're all she's got.
Babies can have strong feelings without any control over them. It's not fair for you to expect her to learn to express herself in other ways right now. I would not attempt that at this point. Babies don't need discipline. They need loving and responsive parents.
You could teach her some sign language. My son was having massive tantrums at a very young age and we figured out it was from his frustration due to lack of ability to communicate with us. he had SO much going on upstairs but had no means of conveying it to us.
I think we were driving him bonkers!
There are some very basic signs you could use and she's at the perfect age. I saw it work wonders with friend's babies as well. I knew this one little boy, he would walk along behind his mom signing like crazy - he was well under a year old! He was amazing! Good luck!
I second the whole idea that it isn't often about manipulation, but just frustration. Imagine how frustrating it must be to know exactly what you want to do, but be unable to do it or even tell anyone else what you want done. Even if it is 'manipulation', if she is smart enough to have a tantrum to get you to do something, she smart enough to abandon that idea when she can do something better.
Often tantrums in my house were related to tiredness, hunger etc. My oldest in particular can NOT be hungry, and both would often be very tired but not showing any of the signs they were 'supposed' to show. It was much more interesting to be awake!
Don't worry too much about problems in the future, often the children change or develop and what you thought would be a problem isn't - and the problem is something completely different
First of all, thank you all VERY much for the helpful responses, and so quickly, too!
I feel I might've come across as insensitive or harsh in my first post. I want to stress that I absolutely DO NOT mean to be so, and I try my best to be as understanding and sensitive to her as I can be. That is, after all, why I'm here! Plus, she has an advantage: I, myself, was a "gifted" child; my mother never knew what to do with me, and I feel I missed out on quite a lot as a result. I'm trying really, really hard not to make similar mistakes with my own child. Perhaps I'm being TOO careful sometimes, but again, that's why I'm here trying to work things out.
As frustrated as she is with her inability to communicate effectively with us, we feel equally frustrated in return. We want to be able to let her know that we're here for her for anything she needs, but we'd also like to let her know when she's stepped over a line. It could well be that she's simply too young for us to establish clear "lines" with her; if so, we can adjust our philosophy accordingly. It's just hard to know at what age her tantrums cross the line from "desperately trying to communicate" to being a selfish, spoiled little turkey. In other words, when/how do we know if she IS trying to manipulate us, as opposed to simply attempting communication to overcome a language barrier? To put it yet another way: We want to avoid teaching her that she can have whatever she wants, whenever she wants, if only she complains loudly enough. The trouble is knowing when she's old enough to begin to teach that lesson. I see now, from the feedback from you all, that she's too young for that yet. Thank you for that insight.
To newmom21c: I agree with the idea of prevention. My daughter, at 6 months, was aware of and afraid of shadows - ours and her own. We took proactive steps to ensure that she avoided having to see them or, at other times, trying to express that they weren't scary. Since then, she's come to accept shadows as normal, and doesn't seem to be frightened any longer.
As for the time-out situation: It was simply a last-ditch effort by totally lost first-time parents to deal with an ostensibly volatile situation. We have discovered ourselves that it's clearly not the best method of dealing with these issues, and we've stopped attempting it.
"don't put age expectations on her" - This one's going to be a really tough one, but not for the reason one might expect. I'm sure I don't have to tell all of you, but it's already been hard feeling obligated to explain to others why we're doing things differently with her than they did with their children. People around you, especially relatives, have that expectation that "their way is the right way," and since we seem to be deviating from their ideas of "normal," it's caused heartache already. It's going to take serious adjustment by myself and my wife. We're not the most "mainstream" folks to begin with, though, so we'll pull through.
To no5no5: I like the way you think, and I agree with you entirely. I am elated at the thought of my daughter interacting with the world around her, especially so effectively. Kudos to her for discovering, at such a young age, how to manage to get what she's after, right?
As to her need for loving and responsive parents: That's what we're trying our hearts out to be for her! We're new at this, and having an advanced child for your first one is a particularly challenging curveball, but we're really trying. In the end, even our pathetic attempts at correction are our way of caring for her and being responsive.
Several of you mentioned sign language, and I'm glad you did. My wife has been an advocate of baby sign since her pregnancy, and we've both been attempting to teach her some rudimentary signs ("eat," "more," "no," "yes," and "up" spring immediately to mind). There are clear indications that she understands the signs, but she's been reluctant to sign back to us very often. She'll get there. Anyway, I have a very close relative who has been skeptical of signing, despite my wife explaining the benefits. It's good to have some reinforcement from you folks on that point.
Thank you again for all of your help. If you have further suggestions/advice/wisdom, please keep it coming!
In other words, when/how do we know if she IS trying to manipulate us, as opposed to simply attempting communication to overcome a language barrier?
By knowing your daughter. When you get to read her signs, there really is a different quality to a frustration/exhaustion tantrum, and an "I want something tantrum". The best thing you can do is watch and learn. (And from what I can tell, that's what we keep doing all along this journey!)
Your daughter is lucky to have a parent who cares so much about her!
First of all, thank you all VERY much for the helpful responses, and so quickly, too!
I feel I might've come across as insensitive or harsh in my first post. I want to stress that I absolutely DO NOT mean to be so, and I try my best to be as understanding and sensitive to her as I can be.
The quick response was because I was "busy" trying to avoid work. You don't sound that way at all, btw. Also, I'm sorry if anything in my post made it come off like that because that was definitely not my intention! I'm also a first time mom and trust me, there is soooo much to learn. It's a steep curve and, sure, there are some regrets that I already have but there are a number of first children who turn out wonderfully so I try to focus on that instead.
That is, after all, why I'm here! Plus, she has an advantage: I, myself, was a "gifted" child; my mother never knew what to do with me, and I feel I missed out on quite a lot as a result. I'm trying really, really hard not to make similar mistakes with my own child. Perhaps I'm being TOO careful sometimes, but again, that's why I'm here trying to work things out.
Originally Posted by doctorbighands
To newmom21c: I agree with the idea of prevention. My daughter, at 6 months, was aware of and afraid of shadows - ours and her own. We took proactive steps to ensure that she avoided having to see them or, at other times, trying to express that they weren't scary. Since then, she's come to accept shadows as normal, and doesn't seem to be frightened any longer.
As for the time-out situation: It was simply a last-ditch effort by totally lost first-time parents to deal with an ostensibly volatile situation. We have discovered ourselves that it's clearly not the best method of dealing with these issues, and we've stopped attempting it.
"don't put age expectations on her" - This one's going to be a really tough one, but not for the reason one might expect. I'm sure I don't have to tell all of you, but it's already been hard feeling obligated to explain to others why we're doing things differently with her than they did with their children. People around you, especially relatives, have that expectation that "their way is the right way," and since we seem to be deviating from their ideas of "normal," it's caused heartache already. It's going to take serious adjustment by myself and my wife. We're not the most "mainstream" folks to begin with, though, so we'll pull through.
Unfortunately, outside comments and suggestions are just part of the parenthood that can't be prevented. We're also not very mainstream (we do attachment parenting and tend to live more environmentally consciously than most). We've gotten some horrible and dangerous advice from well meaning family members (some who are actually in the medical profession!). We just smile and nod and go on with our lives. If it's good advice I'll listen, if it's bad DH gets to hear me complain a bit but then I drop and try and appreciate that the person cared about us enough to be concerned at least.
About the different between tantrums/communication/spoiling. I try and think about this from a perspective of people I know. I don't have a single friend who came from an environment where their parents were always loving and attentive that turned out spoiled or selfish. I DO have friends who came from an environment where parents used material objects to replace parental attention and they DID turn out spoiled. I have also soon parents who deliberately prevented their child from growing up due to their own personal needs for attention (for instance, holding back a child who clearly is looking for independence) with bad consequences.
However, all my friends who came from loving backgrounds and their parents showered them with attention grew up to be wonderful, intelligent, and thoughtful adults. I think when you see spoiled children who overuse tantrums to get what they want they are much, much older and also there's more going on there than just parents who were looking to communicate with the child (e.g. that girl on Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory).
doctorbighands, you've gotten a lot of advice already, and it's all stuff I would recommend. I have a couple more suggestions. If she is deliberately throwing a tantrum then she is old enough to learn the word 'no'. The second suggestion, buy yourself some soundblocking ear muffs like Bose sells. When I was a young mother our first learned how to throw ear splitting, pound the floor tantrums. I couldn't stand it! The quicker I gave in to stop it, the more he did it. I realized quickly how bad of an idea that was, so one day I grabbed my husbands ear protection muffs that came with the chain saw. When our son saw his tantrums no longer bothered me, he quit, and he quit almost immediately. So if your child is not rewarded by throwing a tantrum, she'll probably quit.
Mr W will throw tantrums. Sometimes he is hungry or tired and when he gets to eat or sleep, he is fine. Sometimes he does not get his way and that is when we explain things to him then ignore him - he stops after a while.
We also had a babysitter who came to our house and she was too doting on him, and he was using crying/tantrums to get his way, so we moved him to a school, for this reason among others. ( We saw a big change in his behavior when she was gone for a week and he had to share attention with other kids. )
Here's my two cents, having an almost 9-month-old myself (who happens to be baby #6). We have never had success with time outs, with our older kids. That doesn't stop me from trying, LOL, but I wouldn't start until at least around 18 months (seriously, the few times they've seemed effective wasn't until the kids were older than 3!). Even my 22 month old, I've only given him a few. Distraction, if possible, is the way to go, following a firm "no."
But honestly with a baby that age, no matter how gifted, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on whether she is trying to manipulate you. I'd focus on what has been posted above - the frustration, the attempt to send a message using the only way your baby knows how. What is she trying to tell you? What is it that she wants? Just to touch everything she can, as babies of that age seem to want to do? Is she demanding a lot of attention? Could she be bored? (I think it's easier, now that we have a lot of kids, to keep the baby entertained - it's not all on me). Keep interesting things around. Introduce her to the safe kitchen cabinets. Allow her to rummage through the plastic containers, the wooden spoons and the pots and pans. And remember that there's nothing more interesting than her parents.
The frustration can be exacerbated by the usual sleep or hunger issues. Is she getting enough sleep (two naps and an early bedtime)? Sleep interruptios (ear infections, teething, etc.)? Having trouble going back to sleep if she wakes up during the night? Lack of sleep can be a major cause of an "over"-reaction.
Is this a relatively recent development? Any chance she has an ear infection or some other pain-causing condition? For one of my kids, tantrums were the only sign of an ear infection, no fever, no nothing (I recall the ped saying "gross!" when she looked into dd's ears. Years later, the same dd has twice gotten strep with the only symptom being a tummyache)
Also consider that, along with her possible giftedness, perhaps she's a sensitive kid. My first dd drove me crazy when she was a baby... seriously high maintenance. I don't know if there's anything about overexcitabilities in babies on Hoagies, but it's worth a look. Some babies really are far more sensitive than others - easily upset, etc. I have kids who were very sensitive, very easy and everything in between. A couple have had Sensory Processing issues. And they're all strong-willed
My preferred way of dealing with true manipulative tantrums is by ignoring them whenever possible. (It's hard to know what advice to give without seeing the tantrum though!) Usually I'm so busy that they've all had to deal with waiting for me anyway, not that it has instilled as much patience as I'd like. But a little crying didn't seem to hurt any of them.
I have a different perspective than most as I have been a foster parent for a long time and have had multitudes of children in my home.
The most important aspect of all of this is knowing your child. They are all different and there ARE children as young as 9 months that use tantrums simply as a source of manipulation. My DYS is one. There was no mistaking the gleam in his eye as he threw a gooleywhopper! For him, the only thing that worked was to pick him up, take him to his room and put him in his crib. I would walk out of the room, wait for him to stop (or at least get to the hiccup stage)then go back in and retrieve him. After about a week of this he would stop the moment I headed for his bedroom door. But let me stress again, you must know the child, make sure there are no extenuating circumstances such as a wet diaper, hunger or fatigue and a conviction that you are being manipulated. It's a hard thing to determine for a first time parent. Try to pay attention to what happened just moments prior to the tantrum. What set it off? A lot of parenting is just following your gut...... Best of Luck!
Shari Mom to DS 10, DS 11, DS 13 Ability doesn't make us, Choices do!
We were very lucky and never had many tantrums around here, so I don't know if my ideas will be helpful at all, but thought I'd toss them into the mix, anyway (as well as welcome you to the group, doctorbighands--welcome!).
I wonder about sensitivities: none of my boys could stand tags in clothes, seams in socks, or synthetic fibres when they were babes and toddlers--something to try?
Also, at nine months, I'm thinking teeth, maybe? Could be that she just plain hurts.
One thing that worked really well for all of my kids was giving them choices all the time, even well before they could talk: do you want the blue shirt or the orange one? shall we put the left sock on first or the right one? would you like to use this spoon or that one? and so on. There are no wrong answers to these kinds of questions! (Even if it's "I choose to eat with both of the spoons at the same time, Mummy"!) It's nice for them to have a bit of control. For the same sort of reasons, I used to have them help me with things (bringing me a book or combing my hair or something like that).
We also "taught" them a lot when they were small (not with any intention of hothousing, you understand, but just in the sense of sharing bits of the world with them): I'd take a tree book to the forest with them, we'd stroll over to a tree, feel the bark, crush some needles between our fingers and smell them, show them the picture of that species in the book, tell them the name of the tree, then go find another. Same for birds, bugs, seashore creatures, and so on. (Outdoors time was--and is--really big for us: when people were getting a bit cranky generally, I tried to get us out into nature and cheered up.)
Or I'd take them to an office building with a lot of stairs (at a quiet time of the day), and we'd climb and count stairs, over and over (good for my fitness level anyway!). I do remember that one of my boys particularly insisted on the counting (we had to go back down and start over if I forgot to count out loud), so it wasn't just the steps, I don't think.
All of my kids liked watching me cook from their highchair. I'd bring ingredients over to them, tell them what I was making and what I was going to do next, let them smell spices while I named them, and basically kept up an informative monologue as though I were doing a cooking show on TV. I did this with lots of stuff--basically a running commentary on the routine tasks of the day.
I also remember bringing them scraps of different fabrics to feel and describing what they were: velvet, corduroy, silk, linen, denim--they all feel different and interesting to a baby, and some kids are really tactile learners.
Well, I'm veering way off topic now--but I guess my point, if I do in fact have one, is that sometimes frustration stems from inability to communicate, as of course you already know; and we found that with our kids, giving tons of choices, supplying lots of informational input, and talking to them as though they could understand perfectly well what we were saying seemed to avert quite a lot of that frustration. My sample size is three, however, so not necessarily much use to you.
I've totally been there. When my DS was in the 9-10 month old range, he started with the tantrums, particularly the "going stiff as a board" style (and he is STRONG) when I tried to do things like buckle him into his carseat or stroller. I would talk about him having tantrums and people would sort of roll their eyes and say that babies that young don't have tantrums, and/or "if you think he's having tantrums now, just wait till the terrible twos!".
Previous posters have given great advice... What worked for me personally was a combination of the prevention stuff (not trying to get things accomplished when he was tired/hungry/bored/etc) and huge amounts of communication. I used a lot of tactics that people recommend for two-year-olds, like giving lots of warnings before we changed activities, explaining why we were doing things, and giving choices where both options were equally acceptable to me (red shirt or blue shirt, etc).
Also, I'd like to second the previous poster who said that if she's smart enough to throw tantrums this young, she's smart enough to move on to something else as soon as she's capable. This was my experience as well - despite all those dire predictions about the 'terrible' twos, my son has been increasingly pleasant, reasonable and generally easier in direct correlation to his increasing communication skills. He's 2.75 now and I've found the "twos" to be an absolute delight... I tend to tell people he had the "terrible zeroes" instead.
Hi, doctorbighands. My older son, when he was a baby, used to throw a wobbly every night at dinner time -- hunger, lack of Mom's attention, and tiredness set him off. We found that taking him outside, even for a few minutes, calmed him down so he could make it through the evening. I agree with Minnie -- outside time is good for the soul.
Also, distraction is a great technique for derailing tantrums at ANY age. You're not giving in to manipulation, you're helping her re-focus on something else, because she's too little to do it for herself. You're teaching her a good coping skill, and when she's older, she'll be able to go for a walk or go read a book or watch something funny on TV to get herself out of a funk.
We also had good results with signing. We started teaching both kids at about 9 months and they started signing back at about 10 months. So I would recommend you just persevere with that... you may find it'll start reducing the screaming pretty soon.
One problem in particular is tantrums. Over the last couple of months, it's become clear to us that she has learned to manipulate us with screeching, flailing, and generally complaining and being obnoxious. The issue we face is that she's apparently old enough to use a tantrum to get her way, but she isn't old enough for us to explain (in words, anyway) why this behavior isn't okay. In the past, we've been quick to change her environment somehow - e.g., new toy, different interaction, food, change of position, change of location - but we're thinking that that might be a mistake on our parts. By catering to her negative behavior, we feel we're only reinforcing it.
I'm wondering what, exactly, it is that she wants when she is trying to get things 'her way.'
I do agree that those frantic environment changes to try to jiggle a child out of a tantrum are ok in the beginning, but are sort of unsatisfying.
When my DS13 was a baby, I firmly believed that everyone, child and adult, needed to cry, tremble, laugh and thrash while keeping in mind both their overall goodness and power AND their current frustrations. I was experienced enough, that while my son cried, after I checked his diaper, and mentally checked about when the last time he ate was, I'd quietly 'be' with him while he cried. I'd gently talk to him about what I thought might be going on. I might be worth a try to see if that feels satisfying to your family. I will say that lots of babies cry louder and more intensely when you pay attention to them in that way, so that people generally think that the baby doesn't like what you are doing. I tend to look at how the person feels afterwards to judge if I think I had been useful.
So if you remain calm, and pay attention during the 'show' but your rules remain intact ((Yes, she may scream, but no she may not put her finger in the electric socket)) then the only possible manipulation gain she might get from her tantrum is your attention. And if you are giving her tons of attention when she is being her wonderful regular self then I might hope that the habit of manipulation might not form. I loved Master of None's Advice for paying attention to a non-tantruming gifted child, and did lots of that sort of thing. I would print that one out and bring it up at your next family meeting.
Walking away during the tantrums is that alternative, and might be what's needed if attention is indeed what she is after.
See:
I find this so sad, but at least good to know that there are lots of behaviors that look alike on the surface, but different underneath.
Some kids actually do get 'hooked' on the negative energy that they get from acting out in some way - see All Children Flourishing below.
Since those days, I've kept my eyes open for parenting advice that seems appealing. 2 books that seem tremendously appealing, but my son was 'too old' to try them when I read them were:
Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child by Myrna Shure, Theresa Foy DiGeronimo
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby by Tracy Hogg (I haven't read her books that are aimed at toddlers, but her book for newborns spoke to me)
For a lighter approach, I think it's worth trying to read: The Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving the First� (Paperback) by Vicki Iovine It's written from the Mom's point of view, which makes it, I think, especially valuable to a dad, as having to work together to figure out this stressful stuff is probably more important than which techniques you eventually decide on. Just don't assume that your actual wife is going through what is described.
A book that I found really helpful when DS13 was too young to understand the 'whys' is -
Don't Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training (Paperback) ~ Karen Pryor
I used it to 'break' him of him of throwing his sippy cup during dinner. It worked without any yelling or grumpiness. Certainly you be given a lot of parenting advice that is based on the ideas of Behaviorism, but the people giving the advice are usually not really smart enough to understand the principles deeply, so their advice ends up being mistaken. With this book you can see right through the differences between actual Behaviorist theory and the Pseudo-science. On a deep level, Behaviorism is all about communicating with creature who do not use words. In fact, even we adults, who use words quite well, are usually sending a ton of metamessages nonverbally at the same time, and I would suggest that it is the metamessages that are doing the work, not the words themselves.
Ex: When you were in high school, your girlfriend might have said that she loved you more than life itself (words) but her behavior might have sent an entirely different message. I'm hoping you were watching the behavior, not the words, yet?
I also love the book: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey and recommend it for when your are feeling less 'in crisis.'
My kid did, I feel, get hooked on attention, and was totally willing to act out to get that attention, so the approach I'm currently using is: All Children Flourishing - Igniting the Greatness of Our Children ~ Howard Glasser with Melissa Block
I've been playing with the ideas for about a year, and just wish I had found it much much earlier. I think that this approach, which aims at children who are 'intense,sensitive, and needy' is the first discipline book that doesn't backfire on my son. I think that this book has real potential for gifted children with overintensities. There are plenty of great books about understanding the overintensities - your own and your child's, but very few that tell you how to work with these kids to grow their inner resources so that they don't have to live their lives running away from their triggers. Of course you want to remove triggers when the child if very young, like yours, but in the long term, you want the child to grow large enough on the inside to be able to handle those tight spots that you know life will hand them.
Speaking of the environment - a beautiful calm environment is a really beautiful gift that you can give your family. Flylady.net is filled with funny, friendly advice on creating the physical space to give your family the most calm possible. It's written as though it's aimed at the Mother of the home, but with a little imagination I'm sure you can figure out what babystep is within your area of influence and take that.
I'm going to assume that you and your wife are also gifted. That isn't always true, but it very often is. So I'm going to further assume that you each have your own baggage about what growing up gifted meant to each of you. So much is the same, and yet so much is different. She might have gone to a gifted school were she was solidly in the middle of the pack and from her perspective, she is no different than most people. You might have languished in the corner. Or vice versa. Lots of gifted people don't feel smart for various reasons (LOL, often one of the siblings is identified as the smart one!) One thing for sure - it's likely that both you and your wife will have very strong ideas and feeling about how to raise your daughter. I would say that how well you work together is key.
Also, I'd like to second the previous poster who said that if she's smart enough to throw tantrums this young, she's smart enough to move on to something else as soon as she's capable. This was my experience as well - despite all those dire predictions about the 'terrible' twos, my son has been increasingly pleasant, reasonable and generally easier in direct correlation to his increasing communication skills. He's 2.75 now and I've found the "twos" to be an absolute delight... I tend to tell people he had the "terrible zeroes" instead.
Yes, we also had terrible one's. DD started at 9mo and that summer she was so difficult, even trying bite me. Still way too young for time outs. As she tried to hurt us I always removed her from the situation. Sometimes it was keeping her in my lap but arms length out instead of holding her close so she could not bite. For us ignoring the behavior (but making sure she won't hurt herself) worked the best. When she threw a tantrum we would stay close doing some boring adult thing and not pay attention. When she stopped we would start playing something nice with her. She usually got upset as she wanted to do something like build legos but the pieces got stuck, or stickers had a tiny corner which turned inside.
Welcome to the board.
