Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy parenting 7yo who needs constant interaction(more)

Hi, I'm brand new. I found this forum by google searching. I have a question about my oldest dd who will be 8 next month. She was in public school until the end of 1st grade and we started homeschooling this fall. She's very bright, advanced reading level and vocabulary, can hold a conversation with anyone about anything. Her spatial skills are not as well-developed, so math is hard for her. I took her out of school because she prefers to master a subject before moving on to another and because something that happened in class would upset her (mention of a spelling test, class in trouble for talking) and she would burst into tears when I picked her up, begging not to go back. Her separation anxiety was very high when she was gone all day.

She's never been a pretend play sort of person. She never saw the point of make-believe. Finding her books to read is a chore. She can read a grade level above, but all those books are 200 or so pages, with chapters 20 pages each, and no pictures. She looks at them and thinks 'it will take me forever to get through that' and so doesn't try. We will spend an hour poring through the kids' books at the library, pick out two or three that look promising, and they sit on the shelf for three weeks.

She is very, very social. I am very, very much an introvert. She could talk all day. I'm through by lunch. I know she needs/wants other kids, but I don't know how to find any more in this small town. Everyone's too bossy, too gregarious, wants to play instead of talk about big kid things.

She is always bored. A day at home is pure torture. Two days drives us up the walls. She has nothing to fall back on to entertain herself when I can't. If an activity is not super exciting she's not interested. If she goes outside she lasts no more than five minutes. She will pace the hallway, she reads over my shoulder when I'm on the computer. She has several e-mail pen pals and she checks for new messages five times a day, replying the moment one arrives. She is the first family member awake in the morning, greeting me literally bouncing with energy.

I do not know how to teach her something new in homeschooling. She's used to learning being easy? If she doesn't know how to do it from the start she is convinced it's too hard to try. Topics get met with 'this is boring!' even if she's requested to learn about it. She *does* love to learn, but when I hit the jackpot with an interesting subject the interest is gone in minutes. I've stopped buying her toys because she will beg and beg for something only to never touch it again once it's in the house.

This is purely my point of view. I know I should change it. But it's very frustrating to feel that you can never make your own child happy.

So, who's read this novel, been here, and can tell me how to keep my sanity?? My other two kids will play together for hours without a peep. How do you parent a 20-year-old 8-year-old?? Thank you, and I'm sorry my question jumps all over the place.

Well, to start with, I feel your pain. I'm the introverted, easily-exhausted-by-social-interaction mom of a chatty, highly emotional extrovert. It's so tiring! He wears me out!

Still, in my experience, I'd say that part of the problem here is your approach. I don't think it's your responsibility to make your daughter happy. It's your job to keep her healthy, fed, safe and educated. Happiness is her problem, and she's old enough to start finding ways to keep herself busy without you, assuming there are no extenuating circumstances that make this really impossible for her.

I'd be requiring alone time if you're not already. Start with shorter periods of time and gradually extend them, and do it every day. This is good for her to learn and will help you to be more patient with her the rest of the day. Do make sure that she gets plenty of your full attention before you start the alone time so that she has her batteries recharged before she has to be alone. I'd even explain this to her in this way: that you get worn out by being with people and she seems to get worn out by being alone. So you'll have to find a middle ground that works for both of you. It's not personal. You're just different, and it's important that you both get your needs met. My 5yo extrovert understands that and is MUCH easier to deal with since I started explaining it to him that way.

I think you also might need to find some help. My life improved greatly when I found a few hours each week without my kids. Is there a co-op or homeschool group available that would allow you to drop your kids off there? Someone you can leave the kids with for a few hours once a week or so? If not a spouse, then a sitter? A friend you can trade childcare with? That might be a good solution since it would mean regular playdates for your daughter and time alone for you sometimes.

As for friends, we've had good luck with kids who are a year or two older. There's often a better connection for our DSs (both the introvert and the extrovert) than with kids their own age. If there's a gifted support group in your area, that might be a good place to look for same-age peers.

Shared interests really help. Age matters a lot less if the kids are talking about the same thing. Helping kids get involved in some pop culture stuff that lines up with their interests can help make it easier for them to find things to bond over with other kids. Look for these things. They're different for boys than for girls a lot of the time, so I can't be much help here with specifics, but Pokemon, Legos and Wii have worked well for my boys.

Also consider finding boys for friends. A lot of times gifted girls hit it off better with boys for whatever reason. My best friend growing up was a guy, and decades later, we're still close. My boys have had some good friendships with smart girls.

HTH! Talk more if it will help!

I totally agree with Kriston - look for some alone time. The sound of silence never sounded sweeter, I bet.

I have me one of those too. What makes it worse is that the school he's in is a "no talking, listen to the teacher" kind of place, so he has to come back to offload to me for 1.5 hours after school. I just go all spacey after awhile. @_@.

So these days, I get him to go for sports classes in the evenings so I can have some quiet. So much better for my brains! On the weekends, he does sports with DH who complains its his turn to go @_@, but at least we spread it out.

I agree about the making him responsibility to be content or happy. I tell my kids if they are bored they need to use their creative brain to come up with something to do. Of course I will offer ideas if they want help.

We try to rotate out activites so he kids are more interested.
My DS keeps him self entertained with projects. He has an activity table with legos out all the time. I have a small table with 3 or 4 books from the library each week which includes something reference, like a encylopedia of dinosaurs and something "how to do it", like how to make books or yo yo tricks.

There are endless ideas here on the threads.

I would try to get your child to get into a big project like an online course or weaving. It feels good to be accomplishing something.

Is focusing on something for a long time an issue?

Best of luck.

Well you could just move next to me and we would both be a lot happier! I have a nearly 7 year old boy who still does not prefer to do anything alone. I trained him via Kriston's baby steps method last summer when it was likely we would homeschool. I am also an extrovert but I need time to talk with my friends, have adult conversations and not discuss the ins and outs of different Pokemon characters on a minute by minute basis.

We did not end up homeschooling. But part of my plan included joining a co-op where DS would be off taking enrichment classes several times a week. Maybe you have something similar in your area?

Also, ditto Kriston on finding some boys. My son's best friends have always been girls. He plays happily with our neighbor's gifted 8 year old daughter for literally hours. They disappear and I don't see them until they are hungry. It's magical!

Don't let her slip into it's too hard or I'm bored. She needs to develop the skills to maintain and work on things, whether hard or boring. Also if you follow through on an interest set an established amount of time to stick with it. Otherwise she will flit from thing to thing with no depth. You are not the entertainment director on a cruise ship.

I have an extreme extrovert daughter. One of the things in that book (sorry totally forgot title since I am the one that didn't like it) about gifted kids is that homeschooling the extrovert may not be the best idea. I think it would make me insane to homeschool DD5.

And although she will play with boys, she wants to hang with girls (she is 5) but I find that playdates with girls 1-2 years older really works. She can pretend she is 14 or whatever she thinks. Because girls, even at this age, like to talk about who is the cutest boy and all that stuff that girls do. I was surprised. She is in a Jesuit school, totaly non play and no talking so she really needs that time in the playground after with friends and playdates on the weekends. If I don't provide that, she will want me to interact with her and it is tiring. Also why she got the puppy. Puppy takes up a significant amount of energy now. Though it doesn't take the place of playdates.

And why we do cruises. There are always other kids. We just did a cruise in Hawaii in Feb and doing Europe in April. I find other families and connect before I even get on the boat. I think children are like dogs. If they don't get pack time, they get neurotic. The more pack time, the more exhausted they are when they are home.

Ren

Anyone can homeschool any child if they are willing to adapt and make sure everyone's needs are met. The problem, I think, is not the homeschooling but the fact that right now no one's needs are being met adequately.

It does take some creativity and probably some help for an introvert to homeschool an extrovert, but lots of people do it quite successfully.

I kept thinking about this while I took my shower, and I think the "extroverted kids shouldn't be homeschooled" notion stems from a lack of awareness about all the options for group interactions that kids can get as homeschoolers. Being locked in the house alone with an extroverted child would be bad. But no one does that--not even the people with introverted kids do this!

Here's a list of things that my homeschooled kid has done that involved other kids. Note that in nearly all of these, he can talk, play, and interact with kids without being shushed or having to raise his hand to talk, thus actually giving him more time to exercise those "chatty muscles" than he might be likely to get in some classrooms:

art class
group piano lesson
swim class
sports teams
Boy Scouts
enrichment classes for gifted kids
foreign language lessons
homeschool group activities and park days
homeschool co-op
YMCA classes (including art, cooking, science, etc., not merely sports)
homeschool gym class
library events
chess club
First Lego League
zoo classes
summer camps

This is just what pops off the top of my head from our personal experience. There are lots of other groups that we haven't used (church groups, 4H, etc.).

It takes a bit more creativity, granted, but it's possible to get lots of social stimulation for a child if you have the time and the money. (Though none of these was expensive on its own for our budget. I'm a cheapskate!)

I'm still not sure whether my DS5 is an introvert or extrovert (I'm thinking he's a really social introvert), but I will say he was a very needy infant and toddler who became a lot more independent and enjoyable to be around when I finally put my foot down and refused to entertain him every minute of the day. It was an adjustment for both of us at first. I had to keep reminding myself that it was important for him to have idle time and figure out how to use it, and he had to keep reminding himself that I was serious. Once DS got it though ("Wow, she really is going to sweep the floors and vacuum instead of coloring with me!"), it made a world of difference in all our lives. Now, as long as there are plenty of notepads, drawing pads, books, magazines and LEGOs strewn about the house, DS is happy as a clam. However, he still won't last more than 5 minutes outdoors unless he has some other kid to play with, and I won't even take him to a park unless we've arranged a playdate.