Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Advice needed

Hello all,
My DH and I have found our dream house and are totally excited about moving into it. The kids would get to remain in their current school (it's a Charter) and would actually be closer to most of their classmates. We are also in the area with the High School that most of those kids would go to.

Unfortunately, DS7 is taking the idea of the move hard and has started having issues at school. We've had to get him out of school early twice in the past two weeks, when he went almost 6 months with no issues at all. As I've said before, he has AS and big transitions have always been difficult. I think part of him is mourning his friends at the current neighborhood and mourning the loss of this house. Have any of you had to deal with a situation like this and do you have any advice?

We had the easiest move in the world planned and My DS at 6yrs was very stressed about it. We moved within the same area so close that we use to walk out our backyard and into the walking paths. We had also gone to the neighborhood pool for 2yrs before moving. He just is not a child to do change easily.

My suggestions...
take pictures of your house inside and outside, put them into a photo album for your child. Encourage him to talk about the move and his concerns. If he can get out those big feelings by talking then he might feel better. Talking about this is probally the most important thing to do. Let him know what will be moved - clothes, toys, furniture,ect. Visit the neighborhood and the house a few times with children before the move. You could even write and illustrate a book about moving together. There may be some books on moving at the library for kids. Is it possible to have a playdate with a neighbor child before the move?
I hope this helps you.

What about letting him use a digital camera to take pictures of everything he would like to, such as his friends and parts of the house that are important to him? If he likes everything just so, what about encouraging him to take pictures of his things as they are arranged now so that you can do your best to recreate how his things are arranged in the new house?

((hugs))
It's so hard to remember to keep the needs of the entire family in mind when one member is so good at showing their individual needs. I was moved to a different neighborhood when I was 6, and even though the school was the same, the kids in the neighborhood were lost to me. Even though the experience marked me so deeply, I still support you to go with the overall needs of your whole family - which includes you and your DH. In a lot of ways that longing to 'get back' has moved my life in powerful was for the good.

Seriously, I waited to start a family until DH and I could move into our 'raising kids' house, just to avoid having this happen to my offspring. Unluckily, there isn't a good cluster of neighborhood kids on our street, so DS didn't get what I lost anyway.

So I guess I would would say that little gifties have deep feelings and long memories and you can't really change that. It's totally ok to move ahead even if it affects your DS negativly, you get a turn sometimes. And it does signal that you 'believe' in their ability to handle sadness - which is such a gift. A much bigger gift than the comfort of their old neighborhood.

And not every bit of deep feelings gets stuck and turned into a childhood regret. Sometimes the expression of deep feelings is a sign that the feeling are being process and will be let go of.

In other words - there are no right answers - pray, journal, vent, post here, and take a chance!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

onthegomom and mnmom23,
Wow, you're both on the same wavelength. I will definitely get him to take the pictures. We were also planning on getting phone numbers from all the parents in the neighborhood and setting up playdates where they could still see their friends and run around the neighborhood.


Grinity,
Thank you so much for your words. I know that it is a hard thing for me to do this because I didn't have that neighborhood with kids as a child. I moved a lot and rarely kept friends. I hate that I am moving my children at this point, but our current house is too small and while we have looked at expanding it, the costs don't make sense for this area. Plus, this wasn't really "our" house, my dh had it before we got together. Now we have found a house that all of us (including the children) love.

My DS knows that some of the kids in the neighborhood will move in the coming year. I think that helps. We also got season passes to an amusement park he loves, which is extremely close to our new house. I will be taking him to the playground near his school more often, since before it was quite a drive.

I thought of something else. Once you do move, you can visit your old house, but not for a while. If you go back too soon then it will delay the feeling that the new house is *your* house. In our experience moving several times, it's best to wait at least 6 months, although that might be harder since you live close by. Usually, once you have had 1/2 a year to a year to settle into your new house, when you go back to your old house it's nice, but it's no longer *home*.

Also, I like the idea of setting up playdates with some of his current friends. Maybe, working on the idea above, though, I'd attempt to have the kids come to your new home or have the kids meet at some neutral location.

But, definitely, don't feel too guilty about making your kids move. Kids really are resilient and you have to do what is best for the entire family. The kids may even thank you some day!

I have the same son (DS7 with AS) and he has the same issues with transitions but I do not have any helpful suggestions except time and being positive about the move. My son recently started having problems in school when we announced he would be going to a new school next year. I did it on purpose to ease the transition, but it seemed to have backfired. Now I have LONG MONTHS of transition instead of a short transition. I wish I could help, but I'm having trouble myself and I can just empathize with you Nan

I really think he will be fine, and that the move will be worth it. Let's face it - 99% of parents would just say to a child 'You are over-reacting, stop that right now.' So I'm sure you are handling this whole thing with a lot of sensitivity.

For me, there was a whole subtext of 'class issues' that went along with the move. The old neighborhood was filled with modest homes on small lots - all the yards connected in the back and the streets were filled with children of all ages. And I was accepted as 'one of the bunch.'

The new neighborhood was up on a hill, with larger showy homes, no sidewalks, and because the neighborhood was new - very few kids already living there to welcome me. Over the years more families moved in, and I did develop some 'within walking distance' friendships, but the easy comfort of being 'nothing special' never returned. Because of this, I've been able to cherish the many good qualities and advantages of modest backgrounds, and that has enriched my life tremendously. Most of the other kids who grew up in my new neighborhood really bought the lie that they were 'better than' kids from the smaller houses.

In the US there isn't much vocabulary to talk about class differences comfortably - so lots of assumptions never get talked about, or thought about. ((cue Brave New World theme music))

One of the things that made last year sweet was that when DS13 went back to the public school, he made new friends from our town's more 'modest' neighborhood. One of them said to him, after months of friendship, "Hey, you are rich, why do you hang out with us?"
DS13 just rolled his eyes and said: "Because I like you."

I get such a lump in my throat thinking of that story. Somehow I was able to communicate to my son that 'more money' doesn't equal 'more valuable.'

So, yes, moving was very hard on me, but I'm really grateful for what I was able to make out of the experience.

I'm sharing this because I haven't read much about 'trying to find ways to communicate about class issues' in the US parenting magazines. That'll be the day, eh?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

It ok for children to feel sad about moving. It's ok to have those feeling and it can be managable. If we can just let them feel our confidence in them, they are better able to manage the situation. If they feel we are so worried they will be more worried. Let your child see your two way feelings about moving - happy and sad. It's a opportunity for them to learn to handle a change and in the future know they can do it again.

You will do great with this even though it's hard because you care. Best wishes with your new home.

Thank you! It is really affirming to hear you tell me that it will work out.

NanRos,
We changed my son's school in 2008 and that is when his AS got diagnosed, due to the change in school and his reaction to it...despite the fact that he wanted to go there.