Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Getting cold feet

Sounds like you all got a great start!

Sounds like a lot of good things happened. Love the quote from the principal, "Why are there so few services at the gifted end of spectrum?" ...As many of us have been wondering for decades!

From a distance, the comments as to "what if she learns 4th grade math before she leaves the school," are kind of humorous. Perhaps better to wonder, "What if she finishes 4th grade math before she leaves kindergarten?"

I think the two of you must have done a wonderful job to have this go so well.

A couple phrases that might be useful, which I didn't see suggested. "I/we really need your help." "We're all in this together." "We're trying our best to research and understand what might be best for her, and really appreciate your help." "We're as amazed as you might be by this, and are really being put through our paces to try to keep up!"

All geared to creating language around the concept "We're all a team trying to do our best for her." Metaphorically, drawing you all onto the same side of the table, vs opposite sides, in creating a program for her.

Oh and AFA save/formatting. You can always create a post in a word processing program on your hard drive, then cut and paste into a comment when ready.

I like #2 as well. If you decide to accelerate, it would be a smooth transition to come back after a break and just stay in 2d or 3rd grade. The smoothest acceleration I had was along those lines.

Thanks for the feedback!

These are great suggestions as I was typing up our "summary and follow-up notes." We address the possibility of "auditing" the higher grade science and gifted classes without having the pressure of writing reports. We also concluded with the phrase, "we are so excited that we can all work as a team...." (Grinity: hopefully the school and us are communicating in the same language. You comment on same-word-mean-different-things made me wonder if we should write an article on "Schools are from Pluto and Parents are from Mercury.")

Austin: we are hoping that by attending a few classes with the "above-grade" crowd, DD will eventually feel more comfortable and gain the confidence when/if we actually decide on whole-grade acceleration. DD is so shy.... she loves to stay in her little comfort zone....

We are encouraged by the first meeting, but not counting our chicks just yet.

I will be honest though, I am worried about the changes and new challenges will overwhelmed DD and cost her self-confidence and self-esteem. Even though DD's achievement scores back up her abilities, did I inflate her abilities? Is she really going to be happier? Sorry, I know I am so wishy-washy.

Thanks again,
Mag

PS: Thanks for the suggestion on typing out the responses on word process then cut/paste.

Honesty is good. Then you can trace the fear and take a look at it. Did this happen to you or someone you know that when they finally got challenge, it was really difficult to learn how to work hard? If so, then you can remind yourself that it's better to learn how to work 'semi-hard' at this age, then at some later stage.

I think observing the target classrooms is a really good idea. Then you can be assured that '3rd grade' isn't so scary, and that you aren't misjudging the situation.

Girls can be timid by nature, but there is also to possibility that she is insecure because she is surrounded by a setting that is scarily 'wrong.' Let's say that every day before you sent her to swing on the swings, you dressed her up in a baseball catcher's protective gear. That might actally cause a child to become anxious. Keeping a child in a very underchallenging environment is a similar experience in some ways - kids can percieve that we don't have confidence in them - assuming that they are normal and that we somehow arranged to place them with 'well-below normal' kids out of over concern for their self-confidence.

I'm not sure I'm making any sense, and I sure don't mean to insult kids with developmental delays,in any way, but I've seen that from a 6 year old's perspective being in a heterogeneous classroom can be disturbing in a way that's hard to articulate.

Anyway - being in an enviornment that 'seems more normal' to her might change her timidness...maybe.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi Grinity,

Thanks for always offering thoughtful insights. I have been thinking about your post for a while now.

Yes, indeed. I do have a fear of failure. Coming from a "good" family and with an older sister who seemed to be highly gifted, I was expected to do well in school. It did not matter that I came home with a second place in a math competition, "your sister got first." To keep up and to meet the expectations, I struggled and spent nights and weekends studying and had very little social or fun time.

I do believe kids need to know there are expectations, to learn the value of hard work and delay gratification. But, I also want them to stop and smell the roses, and have fun along the journey.

I want DC to be challenged, but don't want to overwhelming them to the point that they are miserable even though they can do the work. And I am afraid that I don't know how to find the balance for DC because I never did. And a childhood goes by so quickly....

Mag

Go sit in the classrooms. Observe the kids, the learning materials the teachers. Finding a teacher who is a good match for your child makes all the difference.

So sorry you were always 'second best' - apparently some of your sister's genes are 'in you' because you are seeing them in your daughter. I'm sorry you didn't get social time or fun time - but I'm sure that part of you was happy to have the distraction of struggling to met your family expectations, because I know many kids who just plain rebel and do nothing academic in a circumstance like that.

It is a handicap to try to give your child something you never had, but I have tremendous faith in you that you will keep posting and thinking and trying stuff and you will be there for your DD. It won't be perfect, but it will be nothing like your childhood was. Do keep in mind that while having an older sister who seemed 'more gifted' than you had it's downside, you never had to feel 'weird' or 'alone' or 'like a freak' because the family path was already beaten down. Your DD won't have that. I'm the first born, and I was always jealous that my younger brothers seemed so much more 'self-accepting' than I was. Your older sister provided a 'gifted cluster' for you at home - even though the cost was so high.

Do you have more than one child, Mag? Or did your growing up experience scare you off of the whole sibling thing? I hear tell that there are families that appreciate each child's unique strengths and think of themselves as 'smart families.'

Hug and Happy Dances,
Grinity

Mag, I just wanted to throw out there that my DD8 was a very shy, quiet child who never wanted to volunteer answers in class and who was often so quiet in class that the teachers told me they couldn't hear her voice. She had plenty of great friends and seemed quite social, but in the classroom she was just so quiet and didn't like to stand out. Still, despite early entrance to K, by 1st grade we found that her academic situation was inadequate. So, in 2nd grade she started going to 3rd grade in the morning for reading and math (and because of the schedule, for p.e. and art as well) and she started to get slightly more challenging work. She wasn't used to challenge at all, and even though the work was rarely difficult for her, the slightest tinge of challenge upset her. But, the challenge was truly so slight and few-and-far-between, that she was able to gradually learn to deal. The other benefit was that she was able to get to know the 3rd graders. But, the biggest change we've seen came this year when she was whole grade accelerated into 4th: she has really come out of her shell! She now raises her hand in class to answer questions, she volunteers to be the class leader, she talks with the other kids, she'll ask the teacher for help, and she is so much less shy in virtually every situation. I truly think the change came about because now she is so much less different than her classmates, most of whom are 1.5 to 2 years older than her. And, while the work is generally still not challenging for her, it is occasionally, and it is mostly new to her.

Anyway, I don't know how much this applies to your situation, but I wanted to let you know that the right academic situation can really help a child to feel more comfortable with themselves. HTH!

Hi Grinity and mnmom23,

Thanks for sharing.... It is good to know that maybe we just need to find the right fit for DD6. During our last meeting, her teacher commented on how DD6 has (gradually and finally) come out of her shell. She "earned" an opportunity to lead the class morning routine. We are so proud of her! We are starting to ask neighbors and friends about the current first grade teachers (and will ask the school if we can observe) to hopefully find a good fit.

Grinity: My sister and I are really close. Although I did not quite fill her shoe, it was nice to have her footsteps to follow. I do have two kids. If we are 15 (I used to say 10, but realized an adjustment is needed) years younger and financially more established, we would love to have more.

As far as kids rebel against the academic expectation of parents.... yes I have seen it with my youngest brother. He was probably the smartest of four siblings, but struggled to find his identity and place within the family. He rebelled big time.... And, that is another situation that I hope my own children will never have to go through. Not only was it traumatic for the child, it was awful for the parents too. Balance.... only if I can find the formula to determine the right balance for each child....

Anyway, we will have our followup meeting with the school regarding DD6 possible IEP (math and reading acceleration) this Tuesday. Will keep you posted!

As usual, thanks for the support. It really feels nice to be able to talk about these issues and share concerns without worrying about the gossips.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!
Mag