Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "I'm not good at anything."

This is all I've heard from DS9 the past few days. And it all stems from an art project. He thinks that the ornament he had to paint in class is ugly, everyone else's is better, and he's no good at anything. Granted, artsy-craftsy things have never been a strong area for him, but he's never been this hard on himself about it. He likes to draw (or used to) sometimes, but honestly isn't very good at it. Looking at other 5th graders drawings/art that accompany projects, it is quite noticeable that it's not an area in which DS excels. His handwriting has always been an issue - not because he can't, but rather that he rushes and is sloppy and most teachers haven't really called him on it. His coloring looks like a pre-Kers and he commented on that, too. The school did an OT eval for him and didn't find anything of concern. These are all areas that he's never really shown an interest in, so I sort of expect that he'd be behind the curve, but when it's important enough to him he does better.

I spent this morning talking with him about the difference between not being able to do something well versus choosing not to. I'm not sure he gets it, though. An example he brought up was his handwriting and how sloppy it is. I told him that I've seen him write neatly and I know he can do it. He said "yeah, if I take 10 minutes to write a sentence." My point exactly!! I can't make him understand that just because something might take a little longer to do right/well/better, doesn't mean that he's not good at it - it means he just has to work at it a little bit. Is this perfectionism? I've never really thought of him as a hard-core perfectionist, but maybe I just haven't seen it??

I'm sympathetic to his feelings and hate to see him so down on himself, but I also believe that some of it could be easily overcome if he were so inclined. I don't want to give him a crutch that will preclude him from trying to better himself.

I don't know what to do to help him. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Edited to add: Whether or not he's talented in this area is irrelevant to us. He can't excel at everything and it's certainly not an expectation we have. I just hate for him to think that anything he doesn't do well is a failure, while also not wanting him to confuse lack of effort/interest with not being able to do something.

It doesn't sound like he is being honest in judgement of himself. "It takes me forever to color something well, compared to most of my class" would be such a different statement from "I'm no good at anything". Getting him to state the truth about himself in a matter of fact way may be a first step towards having him be able to think about the fine motor skills in a more practical way, for example, (I will decide to be happy with my messy handwriting as it would take way too much time to do it nicer. But once in a while I would like to spend the extra time to make a really awesome looking art project).

To get to the point where he can be practical about it is the hard part. If you haven't tried it you could turn it around onto a parent's weakness (bad cook, bad driver, bad at getting places on time, whatever it is) and ask does that make them bad at everything, should the parent feel bad about themselves as a person or mope because of that thing. Humor may help using yourself as a reminder -- "out of the way, here I come, I'm late again, I'm a total failure". If he can eventually smile at you about a weakness of yours he may realize to try to smile at himself about his own.

Not sure what his reading level and interests are, but regarding your very rational point about not just giving up on things we do not immediately excel at: a while back I read the book Outliers which was a pretty fast read and had some commentary about some really talented people and how it may be as much practice as natural talent that made them shine -- a "10,000 hours of practice" rule. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outliers_(book)

Polly

That's great advice and oddly enough, I hadn't thought to put the humor there (when humor abounds in our house). Actually, I read your post earlier and during dinner an opportunity to put it into practice came up. It went something like this:

DS: Dad didn't really like the new recipe you tried.

Me: Yeah, I know. I didn't care for it either...didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. Guess I'm no good at anything since I didn't get that right tonight...

DS (deadpan and w/out missing a beat): Guess not. You should join my party.

It was hilarious and I had to laugh. Of course, he picked up on what I was doing right away....the stinker!

my DS9 struggles with the handwriting too. I think it is hard because theire brain is faster than the hand. I try to encourage him with "It will get better. One day he it will feel more natural and go quicker" I think he should learn to type becuase then he can go at a faster speed and have more flexibility.

When DD13 was identified as gifted at age 3, one piece of advice we got was that she would likely be frustrated because she could "see" how something should be (art, writing, etc.), but would not be able to mechanically produce it. This is one reason we talked to DD (in terms she could understand) about being gifted. Then we were able to explain this, and remind her that this is part of being able to see more than others her age when she got frustrated. It seemed to help a little.

Wow, I thought that you were talking about my dd9 when I read your title. I just had that same conversation with her yesterday. She's terrible at everything according to her. In her instance, I think that part of the problem is that she is the youngest in the family and is always comparing herself to me and her very high achieving older sister.

She was very upset that I think that she is bright and kept trying to get me to "admit" that she is really stupid. We had a discussion about the difference between being bright/having potential/having a gift and high achievement. I told her that gifted means potential and a different way of looking at things and the world, but that it does not mean that you are good at everything with no work. From there, we went into a discussion of how being talented means that you took that potential and worked hard enough to develop a talent out of it.

I don't know that I got through to her, but I am of course going to keep trying. I'll keep an eye on other suggestions on this thread as well .

I love this book
Drawing with Children by Mona Brookes (Paperback - Jun 4, 1996)

it offers practical instruction AND a gentle way of looking at learning/competition.

If your DC actually want to improve their artistic abiltiy, and the confusing 'what is art' question - try this book.

If they just want to complain, I would barter them with 'do x household chore for me, and I'll listen to you complain for 15 minutes'

Smiles,
Grinity