Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I need advice, please

DS8, third grade, has been ramping up the poor behavior in class for the last 2-3 weeks. He drives right up to the edge of the infraction cliff at least three days a week.

Meanwhile, at home this week, I've been focusing on working through frustration at challenging tasks. Two or 3 days ago, it was a logic problem from the gifted pull-out that he had gotten wrong on his own. We went through, step by step, sometimes talking through clues more than once. He was frustrated and agitated almost to the point of tears (which is actually an improvement). So we acknowledged the frustration, took several deep breaths, and got right back to work. Eventually it clicked for him, he saw where he had made his mistake, and promptly (and seemingly happily) finished the rest of the puzzle.

Last night I brought home two instruction pages for origami Christmas crafts. He was thrilled and got right to work. Fifteen minutes later, he came to me with the second one (a reindeer) and the instructions, again so frustrated and near tears and babbling about how he tried it five times and it doesn't work. We acknowledged his frustration, took some deep breaths, and started from step one. It turned out that he had skipped a step he insisted he had done, and he realized that he must have done that step on one of his earlier attempts. So we worked together through that and the next step or two, and then he was happily on his own through the rest of the project.

It occurred to me this morning that some of his recent misbehavior at school may be his attempt to thwart his expression of frustration. If I thought I'd get so upset that I was about to cry, I'd probably try to avoid it, too. I believe his classroom teacher and the gifted teacher have been trying to give him higher-level work, and I'm afraid he may be shooting himself in the foot with this behavior. I certainly can't expect either teacher to spend 20 minutes at a time working so intensely with him.

Would you try to discuss this with the child? How would you go about it? My son does not seem nearly as savvy as many of yours with matters of emotions or things "going wrong" at school, and he is hesitant to say anything negative (my fault for trying to teach him to look at the bright side, stop complaining about silly stuff, etc.). Should I talk to the teachers first? We have a parent-teacher conference on Monday, but it's the standard one for all students, so we won't get much time. I'm hoping to use that time to schedule a more substantive meeting with both teachers next month.

Or do you think I'm barking up the wrong tree altogether by trying to connect unrelated things?

This is exactly how my son acted when I first started trying to 'reverse' his underachievemnt, at around age 10. It isn't pretty. The only way I did it was to repeat to myself: 'Better Now than while he is away at College!'

But it is a slow painful process. It's sounds to me like you are one the right track with the Origami, and working through the quiz question. And you are starting younger, so more years for him to get that good work ethic! Go You!

I think that your ideas are quite reasonable, and as good a theory to work off of for now as any. I wouldn't say much to DS, except to tell the story of the Bamboo Tree, as in this blog:

http://www.ploomy.com/2008/09/16/wh...-bamboo-trees-can-teach-us-about-growth/



We talked about this over and over and over. I provided a few 'oragami type' activities where his mistakes or gaps in knowledge would catch up with him, www.aleks.com, to be exact, and I got him into a classroom environment where he had to work to do keep up.

And I did have to tell myself the Bamboo Story over and over and over. He isn't the only one in our house who is was 'addicted' to quick results and easy A's.

Now he's 13. He still doesn't work as hard as DH and I think he 'should.' (We have very selective memory about how consistiently good we were as students - and never as challenging academics as he does, but it's easy for us to be picky.I was hung out to dry when I got to college!) But if the school provides him with enough work to feel the heat, he can easily sit down and do his 2 to 3 hours. He says that he is working well through his daily study halls, and I believe him, because he almost never is late with getting his homework in. He has made so much progress - at age 9 he was crying because the teacher gave 2 45 second worksheets for homework instead of her usual one 45 second worksheet - WOW!

So - hang in - there is hope. And a meeting with the teachers to listen and get more info about school seems like a good idea. If you don't have a communication device with the school, try to get one in place that has a continumn of good behavior, so that even if he is terrible for 10 minutes, you can still praise his efforts during the rest of the day!

Smiles,
Grinity

Grins....

I'm going to tell DS the bamboo story tonight!! Where you find this stuff!

Thank you for the encouragement! It's so hard sometimes to know what to do, especially when you're not even sure what it is you want to do something about!

I really enjoyed that story. That should be a childrens book. Maybe I'll try to make a homemade book of it for my kids. I saved your story.

You did your good deed for the day. Thankyou

Thanks for posting the story Grinity! What a great thing to think about as parents/caregivers. You should start your own column so I can subscribe and every day I can wake up to a positive "Grinitism".

Love the story too! Off to post Ben Franklin's words on the quote thread.