Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Messed up the parent-teacher conference!

We had my DS6's 1st grade parent teacher conference yesterday. I had been reading and planning for it for weeks to make sure we had the greatest possibility of creating a good plan for my DS. However, and I can't believe this, I made his teacher cry! I feel absolutely awful. I never ever intended to make her feel bad!

A little background... His teacher is in her 4th year of teaching and was forced to move schools (due to budget cuts) and to teach a 1st/2nd grade blend two-way immersion class. She has admitted to me also that her class is the most challenging group of kids she has yet (plus she is teaching it all in Spanish - not her native language!). In spite of all of this, she has done a fabulous job. We are absolutely thrilled with her and have complimented many times. I also volunteer in the classroom once a week and we've helped out at the field trip and fundraisers.

So now what happened yesterday... We let her share all the information she wanted/needed to share with DS about his progress. We were fine with everything she said and all was going well. Then she asked if there was anything we wanted to discuss. I requested some subject acceleration for DS, in particular math and reading. Because the school has yet to test DS, I shared with her results I got regarding his approximate grade level using the Lets Go Learn website assessments (with the caveat that this wasn't a professional test). On that test, my DS is at 3rd grade level for math in two areas, and 7th grade level for reading comprehension, among other things. I offered that perhaps DS could get onto an online math course (that we would pay for) during math time. At this point, her face was quite red. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then she started crying saying that she is doing the best she can but there are so many different levels of ability in the class and she doesn't want DS to miss anything because the math teaching "spirals."

I immediately backed up and told her that I should have started off by saying how wonderful of a teacher we thought she was and that we didn't expect that she could meet all of the children's needs. We heaped on the praise very heavy (all well-deserved praise).

She did recover and came up with some good suggestions about some ways she can accelerate DS in math. But we obviously did not come anywhere close to a plan, as I hoped.

Sorry for the long story, but I'm still wondering how it all went so wrong. Any thoughts? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Oh, it feels like such a long road ahead of us in advocating for DS...

It sounds like you were really positive but she is a caring teacher who might be a little pushed to her limits right now. I am the worst so far at advocacy. I can empathize but I'm not the best for advice. Last year, I helped with a Cart Art class and I could really see the different levels in my DS 1st Grade class. Some kids didn't know how to crease a folded piece of paper and my DS has been doing origami for 3 years. That's so hard. I could see how this would apply to many subjects.

I would suggest for a advocacy plan to set up a special conference for situations you want to address like this.

In our school the conference is 15 mins. per child and most of the time is showing me work that I already see everyday, so with that I learn nothing new. The work is not hard for my kids. I might get 5 mins. to ask a question and get an answer. I could imagine how it would feel to try and get thru all the student's parents within a week after a long demanding school day.

Teachers really have such a lot on their plates these days with NCLB, inclusion, higher percentage of ESL students etc. As you say onthegomom, the levels in one class can be so varied and far apart you have to imagine how any but a small handful are actually getting the instruction they need. I am sure, NTmom that the teacher is already probably very stressed out and any little thing may be likely to cause and upset. I wouldn't blame myself.

Send her a small box of good chocolates; a thank you card, thanking her for the things she does well; and maybe some books for her classroom(if she has a classroom selection of books). Keep on helping, as you've done, and give the school time to test and give the teacher a bit of time to process what you told her about your son's abilities. Just be sure the school doesn't drop the ball on testing, and be ready to bring up the subject of math acceleration when you see a good opportunity.

Sounds like you had a great plan and it just went south. We are still in the beginning phases of getting my DS an IEP so I feel your pain.

On the teachers side I feel her too. I taught in public schools for 10 years and I'm specially trained to teach multi-level classrooms and there is no way I could have done it all. The system has so many levels in one class it's a miracle anyone gets educated at all!

So for our IEP we are asking for a pull-out type program with some home schooling supplements. Not the exact perfect solution according to the experts and yet workable. Maybe your school would do something like that.

A little update... I sent an email to DS's teacher apologizing again for upsetting her and also detailing all the great skills and strengths she has. I heard back from her this morning. She said she was coming down with a migraine during our conference so that was why I got such a strong response. Obviously I still said something that upset her, but it sounds like under typical circumstances, I at least wouldn't have made her cry!

She also said that she was going to wait to do any acceleration until the testing done by school is completed. Hopefully that will happen soon! (It's scheduled for next week. We'll see if it happens...)

Thank you all for your suggestions. They are very helpful. You all are great!

Momma Bear: Are you going to be doing the home schooling supplements at home or at school?

I'm guessing you weren't the first conference of the day (or, at least, the week), but you were probably one of the few who praised her. It sounds like she's been handed a very messed-up situation there, and while a lot of teachers go home at the end of the day and say "it's just a job, who cares if I can't do right by all of them?", this one sounds like the sort who really puts her heart into it. She's also probably not got a lot of parents who care as much as you do, unfortunately. So I would say don't beat yourself up...from what I can tell you said nothing out of line.

Momma Bear: Are you going to be doing the home schooling supplements at home or at school?

Both hopefully. I'm asking for a certain number of extra days each month during school hours for 'field trips' not to be counted as absent days. My justification is that they simply don't have the training nor the materials to teach him certain things he is ready for. Extended muliplication and long division at 6 yrs old for example. The materials alone are thousands of dollars. So this way the school doesn't have to invest the money.

We have some great private schools in the area that do have the resouces and training. So I'm going to try and take him for lessons once a month and trade off a day of volunteer work there. That way he gets appropriate presentations and the school doesn't even have to do anything at all. And once I get trained on the materials I can then help him make the transition to the way a public school would teach him.

Ideally the homeschooling portion will be in the form of filling in gaps first, then moving him forward as needed. So I guess I'll have to wait and see how the IEP goes. Right now I'm basically teaching him 1/2 each day just to keep him moving forward appropriately until we get it all worked out.

Oh, no! Just when I thought things were going better... I received an email from DS's teacher today and it sounds like she thinks he shouldn't be accelerated at all. A few quotes from her email include:

* In response to our request for him to be encouraged to check out more difficult books than "Scooby Doo" (which he has checked out every single week of school so far and takes him about 15 minutes to read) she said: "If he would rather go check out a Scooby Doo book, I'm not going to fight it. He is a first grader and Scooby Doo is age level appropriate, even if it is too easy for him. I told all of my students at the beginning of the year that when we go to check out books, it is completely their choice as long as they choose one Spanish and one English. I'm going to stick to that..."

* "I know he needs to be challenged, and he will be. But I also have to keep in my mind that he is a first grader and there are certain things that are appropriate and certain things that he isn't ready for yet. In my grad school class right now, we just finished reading a book called "The Hurried Child" and it talked a lot about pushing kids too hard at a younger age and having them end up hating school as they get older. I know that (DS) is very bright, but I also see that he is one of my only students who has a very hard time getting his jobs done in the morning, remembering all parts of multi-step directions, and he is still communicating to me and to others in a baby-talk type of voice unless I remind him to use his first grader voice. So I will push him academically, but we also have to focus on the three things that I just mentioned because those are age appropriate goals that he should be able to accomplish."

I think she has made the assumption that we are trying to push him. I don't think she understands that we are just trying to keep up with him! She says she will challenge him, yet she has now dismissed all suggestions we made for some acceleration...

Oh, I think it's time for a good long cry...

If she was impressed with The Hurried Child, she might be interested in reading this, by the same author: http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/elkind.htm

And you might note that it is not appropriate to hold a child back from learning because of asynchronous development. A baby voice? Come on. Besides, gifted kids who are not challenged will (of course) develop resistance to doing menial tasks and following instructions.

Maybe its time to stop dealing with only the teacher.

Whenever I needed to discuss issues related to acceleration, being challenged, etc I would always arrange a meeting with the principal, assistant principal and any appropriate teachers. I found there was less room for miscommunication and emotion. I was always blunt and straight to the point (not necessarily a positive personality trait LOL)but then again no-one was left guessing, and in my case it worked!

I hope this helps.
Matmum

Bah, sorry about that. What are the problems you're seeing that make you think acceleration is needed? You didn't mention them in this thread, maybe just because you assumed we've all seen the same problems and didn't need to be told, but it made me wonder whether perhaps they aren't clear enough to the teacher. It sounds as though what she's saying (and I'd agree, fwiw) is that the mere fact that he *can* do more isn't a reason why he *should*, right now. Perhaps he has enough non-academic challenges at school that it's appropriate for the academics to be easy for a bit, assuming he isn't actively unhappy with that? The conjunction of his choosing a very easy book to read repeatedly and using a baby voice might suggest that he's resisting growing up right now, and maybe that's what his teacher is seeing. Or do you think someone is giving him the message that he's supposed to do those things? Or what?

Most teachers are not trained for the gifted situation. I think it can be uncomfortable for them. I would suggest seeing if your school has a gifted teacher and talk with her.

Read the Davidson Guide book on advocacy. I also posted a thread with some very simple tips like don't talk gifted. Talk about challenge needed. Don't say boring that upsets teachers. I messed up by using these two mistakes and really regret that.

I would look into testing if you can. Schools need the test results to take action. If there is no gifted teacher approach the principal with a very lets work together approach.

There is lots to read about this. I started with the books listed in the Davidson guide.

good luck.

Thanks, no5no5, for that recommended reading. However, I'm not sure if she's open to any reading recommendations from me at this point! But I'll definitely bookmark that for when I feel confident she would be receptive.

I agree with DS's teacher that his use of a baby voice can be very annoying (and is annoying to us too and we've been working on him to stop using it). But I can't imagine that being a rationale to not accelerate him on a few subjects...

Oh boy. Below are a few books and a national report that might help if you can get her to read them. She sound like she just doesn't know enough about gifted kids.

A NATION DECEIVED: HOW SCHOOLS HOLD BACK AMERICA'S BRIGHTEST STUDENTS - THE TEMPLETON NATIONAL REPORT ON ACCELERATION

GENIUS DENIED: HOW TO STOP WASTING OUR BRIGHTEST YOUNG MINDS BY JAN AND BOD DAVIDSON WITH LAURA VANDERKAM

REFORMING GIFTED EDUCATION � HOW PARENTS AND TEACHERS CAN MATCH THE PROGRAM TO THE CHILD BY KAREN B. ROGERS, PH.D.

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions. They really help.

A few responses...

Momma Bear -- Thanks for the suggestions about books/article to pass on to DS's teacher. I've read them and I agree they are valuable.

onthegomom -- Believe it or not, I think I actually did read your tips before the conference. I was very careful to not say the "b" or "g" words! And I also read the Davidson Advocacy guide -- probably 4 times -- plus about 4 other books. So I felt really prepared going in. Perhaps this has heightened my disappointment... I guess I wasn't prepared for such resistance and push-back from DS's teacher...

Colinsmum -- That's a good question about my motivation for asking for acceleration. My main reason is that I see a pattern of resistance developing to using his brain. When he actually encounters something that he can't understand or figure out within about 5 seconds, he melts down completely, tears and all. So I'm worried that he's developing poor study and work habits. He's actually very happy at school this year. So part of me thinks that I should just let it go. But the other side of me worries about his developing lifelong habits at this age... (BTW, Scooby Doo is a series. So he has been checking out a different book each week, just all in the same series.)

matmum -- Good point about bringing other people in. Sounds good. DS is supposed to be tested using part of the CogAT and the MAP test next week. So perhaps once we get the test results, I can arrange such a meeting.

You poor thing. You will hit many bumps in the road along the way and this is just the start. The best thing to do is to go to the principal and speak to them. HOWEVER, first let the teacher know that that is what you would like to do and you you would like to have a conference with all 3 of them to discuss your concerns. You may want to speak about classroom differentiation. You do not want to throw your child's teacher under the bus but you also can not let her dictate his whole year because otherwise it will be a whole year wasted (which we have all have happened). However, if the principal is not going to be willing to help then got to the next person in charge (administration). I just hope that they are willing to work with you.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like maybe the teacher is in a "I learned it in graduate school so it must be gospel" thing, and really she has such limited experience with the real-world. It's lously that you're having to be the one to educate her about the real-world.

About reading acceleration, I think you should let your DS check out whatever he wants from the library (especially since this will appease the teacher). BUT, then I'd also have him read more appropriate things that either you have in your collection at home or that you get from the public library. Would the teacher be open to your son taking AR tests at school on books you have at home? You can find out which AR tests your school has by asking the librarian, usually. Another option is for you to google "reading comprehension questions" for a book your child has read and just see how well they do answering them. My kids are always bringing home too-easy books from the school library, and they read them at bedtime for fun, but I make sure that this is not what they read for their required 20 minutes of daily reading. IME, reading acceleration can be fairly easily accomplished at home.

For all the rest, though, the school really has to step up. For now it might be okay that your DS is able to focus on non-academic skills, but he will figure those things out fairly quickly, and then what? And I totally get what you're saying about your DS getting so frustrated at a little challenge. Ironically, you're right that the solution is for him to be challenged regularly in school. I hope the principal can help you work with the teacher to do this.

Thanks Jules726 and mnmom23 for your advice. It's really helpful!

I actually saw a few glimmers of hope from the school this week. The District TAG coordinator came to the elementary school and tested DS, just as she promised. I happened to meet her on Tuesday after she had just completed her second testing session with DS. Since DS was there, we didn't have an opportunity to really talk. But she did whisper on the side to me, "He's VERY smart!" And she has been teaching for over 20 years, so she has quite a bit of experience from which to draw. This gives me some hope that she might be a good advocate for us.

At this point, I'm going to wait for the school's test scores to come back and for a meeting with the District TAG coordinator and others. I'm hopeful that at that meeting, my request for acceleration will be better received!

But mnmom23, I like your ideas about the reading acceleration. I will try those out. Thanks!