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My son just had physical delays--he has always seemed more mature emotionally than kids his age, maybe because he had to learn to deal with being different from a very early age. Several years ago, when he could see that I was so upset about the school refusing to provide an appropriate education and I spent too much time being frustrated with the situation and worrying about how I could change things, he told me that I needed to stop worrying about the way things "should be" and just deal with "what is." I realized then that he had to come to terms with "what is" instead of the way things "should be" at a very early age, especially in Kindergarten when people were telling him he "should be" able to do things like coloring in the lines and cutting and drawing because he was obviously intelligent since he could already read and do math grade levels ahead of age mates before starting Kindergarten. He had already learned some difficult life lessons. He has always been able to talk about it, so emotional maturity always seemed advanced.

He knows that he is academically advanced but he does not show off his intelligence, even around kids who have teased him about not being as strong or as fast or athletic like they are.

He did not seem too upset when an adult was guilty of "verbal bullying" toward him. He told me he understood that she had "issues" and he was able to let it go.

I think doctors thought my son's delays might just be asynchronous development and this is why my son was never really given a dignosis. It was as if they were blind to his mild physical delays and only noticed the advanced vocabulary and they seemed to enjoy talking to him. In my sons medical records they wrote things like "seems to be high IQ" but not much about any physical problems. The developmental pediatrician's report from a few years ago only mentions proprioceptive and vestibular issues and she recommended having him do activities from the Out-of-Sync-Child Has Fun. So I thought he was just asynchronous.

So here we are at age nine and other kids notice that he is not as physically able to do things as they are and he is talking about quitting scouts--the only activity he is involved in with age mates. People whose children have sensory integration issues and are receiving therapy for it notice him. People whose children have hypotonia and are receiving therapy notice him. But because he was so bright and able to compensate for some of his differences, he was not referred for OT or PT for his differences. I guess they thought he was just asynchronous. Asynchronous with all of the overexcitabilities, smart and funny and quirky.

People have a really hard time believing that my very articulate nine year old who is able to talk intelligently about the latest happenings in the news and loves to share his opinions about the things he hears, is able to memorize scripts and songs faster than much older gifted kids in his musical theater class, and who seems so obviously gifted, could have a physical problem that would cause him to not be able to learn a complex series of dance steps as fast as younger kids. They tell him he is not trying when he is trying very hard and he continues to try very hard because he does eventually get it--usually at the last possible second.

Oh Lori!
It sounds like your son has a wonderful character! I do so hate looking back at the years when my son was getting the message that he 'wasn't trying.' I'm glad your son knows better!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Asynchronous Development to me is more a case of not knowing which "age" child (physical agge is 8 1/2) I'm going to be interacting with at times. Is it the child that just finished reading an advanced article on global warming and wants to discuss alternative to whatever creates greenhouse gasses? Is it the child that cannot sit still through dinner because there is a really cool meteor shower starting soon and he "needs" to be ready? Is it the child that can only talk about the evolution of pokemon and which one he wants to catch next? Is it the child that is throwing himself on the floor in a temper tantrum because he tore the picture he was drawing?
Each of these aspects of my son require a very different interaction from me. Even more intersting is that in the course of a conversation or activity these aspects can overlap and comingle.

Oh yes!

Last night, during an evening sledding with friends, DS11 crashed into a car at full speed, earning a sore arm and a bump on the noggin.

All his various ages needed my attention. He wanted to know all the facts, and what could have happened. Later in bed, the fears that he had injured his brain resurfaced, and he asked for more information about brain injuries.

After letting him go on and on a while, I said. If I were a regular mom, I would just say, "OK, stop thinking about it, it could have been bad, but you did not do any damage. The only thing at risk of hurting you now, is you worrying about what could have happened. I don't like anyone hurting you, including you, so stop it."

He said: Why don't you say that?
I took this to mean that although he was asking questions on the older, intellectual level, that he wanted some good old age appropriate babying.

So I said, "Then I will. Nothing bad happend, you are fine, stop thinking about it."

He rolled over and went to was quiet. Soon he was asleep. What would I pay for a microphone that would pick up his thoughts. My fear is that he would keep on worrying, but just go quiet about it. My hope is that I spoke to the boy at the age he needed to be at that moment.

I'm grateful for getting this particular thread at this time, and to Delbows link, for reminding me that he does need many different interactions from me - depending on his age at the moment.

Smiles,
Grinity

I was thinking about the term "Asynchronous" today, and how there was an earlier discussion somewhere on this board regarding the use of the term "gifted". I remember someone wasn't really fond of describing people as "gifted" (kcab, I believe?). I agreed with whoever it was at the time, but I didn't have time to post the couple days that discussion was happening! Amazing - I actually found the thread.

*** Link no longer working ***

Anyway - I've grown much more comfortable with the terminology since doing research and reading on this topic and rejecting the gifted denial somewhat. But I could really see how throwing the term "gifted" around too heavily in front of a parents of ND children who could set them off. Before I knew DS was gifted, an aquaintence of mine used to talk about her gifted children in such an annoying tone that reeked of superiority. She definitely threw it around like a status symbol. Anyway, I definitely avoid that terminology in general conversation.

Anyway, thinking aloud on the computer here, I was wondering if it would make the world and legislators more comfortable using the term "Asynchronously developing" to describe children. It could also used to describe LD children accurately I think. Maybe we could be funded the same on both ends of the spectrum. Ahhh ... it's fun to dream.

Dottie, the other mother's reaction was awful! But it's a reaction I see lots of times at my kids school. I guess maybe the other mother felt somewhat superior when she thought your DS had problems and then to find out he was very gifted took away that superior feel. Or maybe she felt you needed her sympathy on the one hand and then to find out he was gifted meant you didn't need her sympathy?? (to give her the benefit of the doubt - LOL!). Last year in my DS's K class a child was being tested for the GT program and another mother got wind of it and threw a fit because "if one is getting tested then they should test them all!!!" In fact the parents act much worse about it all than the children. The kids just take it matter of factly that some of the kids are in the GT program, but it can really bring out the claws in the parents. I guess they feel their child is being put down if he/she isn't recognized as gifted. It's interesting isn't it that athleticism can be so celebrated out in the open but intelligence cannot.

I can relate to this statement. Its interesting that if your child has any learning disabilities that you can discuss it openly with anyone but if your child is GT you don't have the same liberty to talk about it without fear of some form of judgment. I think that is why I feel at home here. I can talk about my daughter and the fact that she IS gifted. Every single parent here can relate to finally having that freedom, I'm sure.

I hesitate to find an alternative phrase to describe my dd because I don't think there's any shame in the term gifted. I think any other term would eventually end up having the same connotations as "gifted" does anyway.

I just happy to have found a community like this. If only the real world had the same reaction to our kiddos!

Ditto to both paragraphs!

The term "gifted" is a specific, educational term with a specific meaning. To be blunt, I wish the rest of the world would just get over it.

...But they won't, of course. Not any time soon. And so here we are. For the record, I usually say, "He's a bright kid" or something like that instead of using the word gifted. It seems to get the point across in a less annoying/threatening manner. At least the responses I get seem to be more positive and/or supportive

BTW, now that we're home schooling, lots of people ask me why we made the move. So whereas before I almost never told anyone that DS6 was gifted, now it seems like I'm talking about it a lot! (Though I always try to say the bare minimum about it to avoid sounding like I'm bragging or trying to "convert" people to home schooling. I want to do neither!)

On the bright side, people seem to realize that if you pull your kid out of school for "emergency" home schooling, he probably really is gifted. At least that seems to be the way the responses tend, by a wide margin.

I agree that learning disabilities are still considered a big deal and it is often challenging to get the schools to appreciate the child's needs. It is hardly taken in stride.

I have known plenty of kids who were profound "in the other direction" as Dottie said. There really is no comparison to what we go through with our kids. Certainly, they can bring joy to their families and I feel blessed to have know them and families who care for them. But keep in mind that many profoundly delayed chilren require multiple surgeries and hospitalizations, 24 hour care, and may never speak or walk, and certainly will never live independently. So, yeah, I totally understand why someone who was familiar with a profoundly delayed child wouldn't think we deserved much sympathy! I certainly am grateful for everything we've been "gifted" with.

You know, a lot of a child's 'special learning needs' depends on personality as well. So I exploit this in conversation quite a bit. In my "Hi We're New" speech, I talk some about DSll "needing to cary big rocks" as a personality quality. I try to throw in an appreciative comment about "I just love how some kids create challenge for themselves - I wish there was more of that in my child's personality - but you have to take them as they are" ((Frown, Head shake and shoulder shrug)) This, followed by a quick subject change to their child's experience or if have had any similar experiences keeps me in a comfort zone. Not that this approach has resulted in me being inundated with invites for coffee or anything - yet - but I hope I'm not irritating people, and that I'm creating a tiny bit of acceptance out in the ND world. I try to create the tone of 'This is the only way, it is hard in some ways, but our family is brave and realizes that all parents do the best they can, us included.'

Once your child has an accomidation, most people realize that they don't want their child in that situation, and that your kid must need it, cause they will get reports from their kid that your kid is 'smart.'

Pull Out Programs are different - they are seen as 'perks.' Plus the kid is still gifted '24/7' - although I think pull out programs can be very useful for gifted kids, they are just harder to 'sell.'

I haven't seen much by way of claws, but that could be in part that my son is tall, and loud, and has lots of externalizing behavior - so Parents notice right off the bat that there is a 'tiger in my tank.' In the begining the hardest thing for me socially was the opposite, when the other kid's parents would say: "Is DS going to be a lawyer when he grows up?"

Those kinds of comments floored me. Now I just say, "Are you ok?" And yes, I do get a certian pride from having him be "like that."