Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research NutureShock-The damage we cause by over-praising

This topic has always interested me. I see a lot of my friends do this and see how it effects their kids. Also what I find interesting is the recent generation that has come into adulthood. These are the kids that all got ribbons during sports events. There was a big push not to have winners and losers to help with their self esteem. Now they are in the workforce and I find it interesting that the human resources departments have had to have new training on how to handle this new generation. The typical structure doesn't work for them. Handle with mittens is fitting for them. I hope we are learning from the recent past. I will definitely look to buy this book. It has peaked my curiosity and I really hope we are not falling into the trap.

Thanks for this tip. I just downloaded the program -- it will give me something to listen to besides the talking heads on the radio.

I was recently reading a book about teaching kids art.... It suggests to say things like "did you had fun with that project?" which makes it more about the childs experience and process rather than the outcome like, "oh what a beautiful picture".

I read an article about this book not too long ago and have since stopped praising results and started praising "effort".

thanks, finally got to listen to it today and now I am even more interested. Received a 30% borders coupon via email so I am hoping to start reading the book this weekend.

I have a different perspective on this phenomenon. For me, it seems possible or even likely that shutting down when something gets hard can be a by-product of the school environment, rather than knowing or having been told that you're bright.

Many gifted kids get by in school with little or no effort because grade-level work is too easy for them. At the same time, ND kids have to struggle frequently to learn the same things. The result is that many gifted kids never develop problem-solving skills that ND kids develop as a matter of course.

The result is that when these gifted kids finally encounter a challenging subject, they have no skills for approaching it. They assume that they aren't as bright as they though because if they were, this would be easy too. After all, everything has always been easy, right? So if they were really smart, algebra/geometry/Moby Dick/etc. would be easy too, right?

In this context, the conclusions that you can draw from studies like the ones described in The Optimistic Child become more nuanced.

Val

This happened to DH - he did very well at an exclusive high school without trying much at all, and then crashed at university when faced with challenges.

On the other hand, I did quite badly at a mediocre high school, and was convinced I wasn't very bright. Because bright kids like school, do the work and get good marks. University (which I scraped into) was a revelation - "Discuss Heidegger's relationship wtih Nazism" and off you go - no more micromanagement, no more "duh" assignments.

Although I certainly hadn't been over-praised, I had never faced intellectual challenges before either. I love the way that no theory is universally applicable.

I'm listening to the audio version know. I thought the gifted stuff was interesting. However, I did have this reaction that was like "not my kid" and "he scores are just to high for this to apply to her."

I'm on the part know about the preschool/kindergarten that promotes executive function. I wish my 2E kiddo had had an opportunity like that!

DD's school has added NurtureShock to their parenting lending library, which is in the lower school lobby. So Its prominently displayed. I know a lot of the teachers and admins read it over the summer as a book club.

On the other hand, the religious education director of our church refuses to read it because of what she read about the race stuff in a Newsweek review. This seems like a very immature response to me. I think the book questions so many of our assumptions that anyone looking after children should read it. I thought as grown ups we could read stuff and decide for ourselves what to believe.

I'm convinced that dd's school and our church will never agree on anything. Blah.

When I complement my kids, I frequently say things like you should feel proud of that, you worked hard on that. I try to let it be about them and not so much about pleasing me.

I agree. I always, always ask, "How do you feel about the job you did?" rather than acting as sole judge and jury for my kids, and I encourage healthy self-pride.

BTW, I also encourage healthy (not perfectionistic) self-criticism where it applies. I ask things like "Anything you'd do differently next time?" I think that their seeing the pros and cons of their own efforts actually helps combat both perfectionism and "coasting."