Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Does your spouse get what your doing with gifted?

I have to say my husband wants a good educations for his children but doesn't totally get our picture.

I have a DS9 who is borderline DYS and hoping to get in. I question whether my DD6 is being challenged in school. It seems like everyone wants kids to have a big problem like disrupting the class before they consider it a problem. I have been obsessed with learning all I can but it's a challenge understanding it all and retaining the information. My DH doesn't really get why I'm spending so much time reading and researching. I feel like it's a race against the clock for me.

I just needed to vent. I wondering if anyone can relate or offer any suggestions.

Has your husband observed your kids with other ND kids their age? That's the thing that drives the point home for many people. If all you know are your kids, it's easy to stay in GT denial, as in "Well, they're bright, but they're not THAT bright. They still do X wrong." Only in context can most people see the reality of life for an HG+ child.

Is your DH someone who needs to research or not? I am, so I totally get where you're coming from. But not everyone is. It sounds to me that it may be less that he doesn't get your kids and more that he doesn't get your approach. That's actually easier to deal with, I think. But I realize I may be way off there...

If your dh is gifted, and he probably is, he might think that he was smart and managed OK at school.

I know for my Dh, one particular book was eye opening, Gifted Grownups by Marylou Strenewszki. He did not read it himself, but as I was reading it, I read aloud certain passages to him, or passed the book so that he'd read a few pages. We both went through an interesting re-examining our lives period from that. He was totally on board after that.

I have recommended the book to others, and have heard good things. A father who was resistant about having his Dc in a special gifted school, and completely changed his perspective.

We went through the same thing in my house. I felt like I was in a race against time too last year when we were figuring out DDs abilities, and how "non-normal" she was. It took 2 things for him to get completely on board with what I was doing. First, I read a James Delisle book, and read parts of it to him, to the point that he actually said, "ok,ok, I'll read the whole thing." The other thing was that he went and picked DD up from kindergarten shortly after she had started splitting her time between kinder and grade 1. She was showing him their work, which was hung in the hall, and the difference between hers and the other kids' work was truly remarkable. He came home saying something like - Ok, I get it now, DD is so far ahead the other kids in her class it is scarey!
I then had his full attention and he got into researching things too a bit, which was a big help.

We went through this too. When ds was young husband knew he was ahead but didn't think he was to ahead of his peers. I really wanted to homeschool but my husband said that he was gifted and the local schools were fine with him and that they had a gifted program. Plus, he said the schools would work with us. So, we went ahead and put our ds into public Kindergarten. It was about Christmas time when ds took the CAT test for 1st graders and made a 98% (mind u ds was still in Kindergarten). My husband and I presented the test to the principal and asked for our ds to be moved up to 1st (wasn't the first time we asked). The principal said "no". Husband was floored that they wasn't going to work with our ds and his academic abilities. He also saw that the Gifted and Talented program was a joke (35 min a week). That's when husband got it.

You are not way off. Thanks for your insight. Need more venting so here's more....

Dh has observed my DS with other kids but not academically.

I do all his homework with him. I hear the other parents complain about the HW, while my son finds it too easy. I went in to school last year during art and observed children not able to fold a piece of paper, while my son has done origami for 2 years. I knew my son needed no instructions to complete projects while so many were confused. I saw him tune out during instructions. I think most of his day was like this. I told all of this to my DH.

My DH doesn't have it left in him to do research after his work day. He would prefer for me to supply the facts. I'm the one who is very vested in all this. I wish he could be vested too or just have more faith. I think he has the tendency to pretend it's ok, so he doesn't have to fix it or deal with it. He is a very caring and involved father - don't get me wrong. I think all my research and experience gives me a certain insinct that he doesn't have.

I recently overheard him on the phone saying school is better this year with being challenged. But it's not that good. I'm worried about all the easy A's.

I think I would try to get DH to observe an academic situation, though sometimes a non-academic situation can work if he can get that the kids who are your child's age aren't little kids or backwards somewhow--they're the "normal" ones.

I'm the researcher in our family, too. Can you boil down for your DH the most important or shocking things that you find in your research? Maybe you're doing this already...

Have you explained to him that learning helps you to get a handle on the situation? Have you told him how out of control and helpless (or whatever) you feel in the face of the situation? Does he know what you fear? (Do you know what you fear? Naming that may be the first step.)

It sounds like he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and how it's affecting you and your son. If he thinks you're making a mountain out of a molehill, he's not going to be as supportive. You probably have to show him the mountain before you do anything else. Make sure he knows why easy As can be problematic--perfectionism, chronic underachievement, etc. I think communication is key.

I also think you're probably right that he may be experiencing some denial. It's not a problem if he doesn't admit that it is. Easy is good when it comes to schoolwork, right? So no problem...

What if DH does some of the homework with your son? Maybe on the weekend, if after work is too much? Or if he can't do that in the evenings, maybe contrast for your DH some afterschool work that you assign that is at your son's level with what he's being assigned in class? I think seeing the difference in front of him might help your DH.

I'm not sure that's helpful, but I'll keep thinking. Keep talking if it helps. Maybe we'll get closer to something useful if we're not there yet.

Onthego mom, We are in a similar boat but I think it boils down to personality. My DH thinks in the "Its always been done this way so why change" framework. He also grew up with the same very close knit peer group K-12. He was a class clown and very popular so that is what he wants for his son. What he doesn't get is that his upbringing is not the norm. He commented the other day to me that DS7 is a very deep thinker (I was like Yeah where have u been?). LOL So I don't think he really "gets it" at times. He also thinks that it isn't all about academics. DS7 should also learn to "fit in" in a school setting. It's hard to fit in when your brain thinks like a teenager one minute and reacts like a 7 y/o the next. My DH is starting to see that difference. Keep venting though as you are putting a lot of my thoughts down on paper.

"I feel" statements might help, too. Rather than "You're not getting it" (which is probably where I would be going with things...), focusing on why this issue is important to you and to your son might keep DH's attention where it belongs.

My DH finally got it this year. In the past, he has really felt like if I considered DS to be "abnormal" in my head, other people would notice. He didn't want anyone thinking DS was weird. I know this comes from his own childhood where he was always the smallest, smartest kid from a very poor alcoholic single mom and he got teased a lot. It was better to just ignore DS and his outliers and pretend he was totally normal.

I tricked DH into going to see Dr. Webb speak with me. He thought we were going on a date... which we kind of were, right?? That helped but didn't do the trick. After many arguments and me insisting that we switch schools this year, DH gets it. He sees how unhappy DS was, how the nightmares are gone, that discipline problems have basically vanished, how he loves to read and feel challenged and it all makes sense. He basically did a 180 and is now Mr. Advocacy :-)I have to slow him down a bit sometimes because he's ready to go gung ho into school at least once a week.