Here's an email that I wrote to a mom who was looking for advice on buying a smartphone for her 15 daughter who is taking 4 AP classes in high school plus 2 extra classes. Mom was saying that she is sick of 'playing secretary' to her 15 year daughter and that it has to STOP this year.
Hi XXX,
I don't know of a smart phone to recommend. My son has the alias 2 (verizon) which is great for texting and he loves it. For $15 dollars a month he could also get unlimited internet, and I guess he could use the calander feature.
I used a palm pilot for 5 years and it was a lifesaver before the days of Google and Yahoo offering ways to keep one's contacts and calendars online for free. I kept losing the devices, but not the information, because I used to back up to my PC. Now I wouldn't think of keeping my only copy of any important information in anything smaller or more portable than a Microwave Oven. 2009 is great for me because all my info is as close as the closest internet enabled device. I figure that if society breaks down to the point were Google is unretrievable, I'll have bigger problems than a lost contact list.
And you know, one would think that I would feel like a smart person because of all my life accomplishments, but for a long time, I just felt stupid for losing stuff and forgetting important details. For me, I have superfast processing speed and 'average' working memory. That means that I actually get to mentally watch the little bits of important information blink into oblivion. That's a sickening feeling.
Actually it's time for me to take a shower and go to the Motor Vehicle Department to renew my Car Registration. I got pulled over by a very kind police officer Thursday night on my way to pick up DS13 from his High School Orientation, and he threatened to have my car towed! I was 7 months overdue. That would never, ever happen to my DH. He's sooner give up eating and sleeping than forget to do a thing like that. Things that go into his head just 'stay there.' It's amazing. Of course, getting things in or out of his head is a whole 'nother story. So we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Personally, I am the mom of a 13 year old, and I'm sure that by the time he is 15, I'll be sick of playing secretary, but I hope that when I get there, someone will gently remind me that what I really want is:
a) for him to take classes that are an academic and intellectual challenge
b) for him to improve in his organizational skills. Real steps toward independence.
c) not to feel like a patsy
The feeling that I 'want to be done THIS YEAR' is very understandable, but I think that it's wrong-headed. Sort of like getting fed up with a hill and deciding to push against it to move it out of the way. Better to remove a bucketful of dirt each day before breakfast. You might never actually move the hill, but you'll make some progress and have a much better experience. And what a great lesson to those around you!
It reminds me of housework, I used to bang and clang around the house, demonstrating my resentment as I cleaned, wondering 'why' it always has to be up to me, and I realized that if I act like house work is 'no fun' and a 'big deal' then how do I expect my kid to 'want' to do it? So I threw in the towel on 'what I think is fair' and just went after it, with Flylady's help, and now I have a lot better result, much less stress, and much more help. Should the world be like this? No. Is it Sexism? Yes. Mom-as-victim? Maybe....but, Am I happier over all? I sure am.
Anyway, I think a little book with a list to carry around during the day is just fine, IF she will use it, and IF she will sit down for 3 minutes a day and transfer the long term jobs on the list to a Calendar that you keep at home. Preferably a big calendar where one month takes up the top page and the bottom page. She could do her homework first, so there is less to transfer. -or- She could use a highlighter first to highlight what she thinks will be done today, add the rest to the calander, then cross off all the assignments as she does them, leaving the 'highlighted but not crossed out ones' to add to the calander at the end of the homework session. If you have her make an estimate of how long all the highlighted jobs will take to complete and make a little note of it in her book, she can check that against how long it actually took, maybe with a little graph so you can all see progress, ((can you hear me drooling now? This is starting to sound like fun!))
Or (assuming that you tried that last year) she could text message herself a message about each obligation, and then erase each note as she either completes the task OR transfers it to the master calendar.
She could scroll through the 'left on' messages to get a quick overview of what needs to be done. Hey, I should try that, maybe I wouldn't be on my way to Motor Vehicle right now!
Currently I'm reading 'Smart but Scattered' but I haven't gotten to the 'solutions' part to tell you if it's any good. What I like so far is that it breaks Executive Function down into about 12 qualities, so that you can see how your strengths and weakness line up with other family members strengths and weaknesses, and use your daughter's strengths to shore up her weaknesses.
I find, that when I'm trying to teach my son a skill, what helps the absolute most, is to find an expert who is great a breaking down the skill into the important parts, so I can read up on it before I start trying to guide my kid. My favorite book in this department is:
The Organized Student: Teaching Children the Skills for Success in School and Beyond (Paperback)
by Donna Goldberg
(we aren't related, as far as I know)
Actually, I'm still thinking about that hill, and I'm thinking that maybe hiring someone with a big machine would be best of all. DS13 actually asked me to hire him a tutor to replace myself in that role. In the end we decided that replacing me would be pretty expensive, and are keeping that as a back up plan. Unless I could hire a Davidson parent as 'Virtual Executive Secretary' -- Hey - wannna trade? ((Humor Alert)) I'm thinking Tom Ruddle's Diary, but not evil....or magic.
XXX, I hope you aren't feeling 'picked on' - I would definitely have offlisted you, because this isn't the response you asked for, and it's none of my business, and you definitely know your DD best, but I just know that about 75% (or more) of us on this list are feeling the exact same way. Even though I wake up grateful everyday that at 13 the asynchrounous development isn't as 'severe' as it was at age 5, it stands to reason that most 13-15 year olds who are doing the work of 16-18+ year olds are going to have some level of asynchrony.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
