Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Should I be worried? Please advise...

Hi all,
It's been awhile since my last post. My DS7 finished�1st grade at out PS and will be attending private school for 2nd. I'm more confident than ever that this school, with a reputation for serving gifties, will be a good fit. Fingers crossed! My son was bullied throughout 1st grade (physical & verbal) while the school staff did nothing except blame the victim. This left my son with some self-esteem issues. I'm just furious with the school - especially the principal and guidance counselor. Anyway there are many details to this unfortunate story but I'm going to get right to my current concerns. During summer break my son has made some disturbing statements about wanting to die. He said these things when he thought he might be in trouble. For example, he punched another child and then came to me and told on himself. He had his hands around his neck - squeezing and then said he wanted to end it all. He's VERY dramatic in general. He then confessed that he felt really bad about himself for hitting this other kid bc he knows it's wrong. Now this is the first time my son EVER retaliated or even hit another child. And truthfully the other kid had it coming. My son is normally very passive. He did hit me once this spring which came as a complete shock. He's very angry all of the sudden and frankly I don't blame him. I blame myself for keeping him in that school.
Today he had a verbal dispute (these now happen daily which was never the case - he was so easy going) with another child and then he began punching himself in the head and face. He said he was punishing himself for being a jerk! We don't hit him! Why would he do this? He looked me straight in the eye and said he felt bad about himself.
My girlfriend thinks he's smart enough and dramatic enough that he's doing this to avoid getting in trouble with me - his way of distracting me from the issue. I'm not sure. I do know that that bullying experience had a profound negative effect. Now when he plays with other children he melts down over the smallest disagreement. He was never like this before.
So should I have him seen by a professional? Talk to our pediatrician? Wait and watch? My DH thinks he'll outgrow it and that he's just being dramatic. I'm concerned this behavior will get worse and he'll act out at his new school and get dismissed - or do something God forbid worse...
BTW - he was screened at 4 and does not have Asperger's or any other neurological disorder - just a really high IQ.
I look forward to your advice as I'm really struggling here. Thanks.

That sounds very upsetting. Sounds as though he's got into a way of looking at the world in turns of winning and losing, punishment and reward, and not had a chance to benefit from friendly cooperation much at the old school? I think in your place I'd hope that the new school would be a much better experience for him and I wouldn't rush into taking him to a professional right now, though I'd certainly do it if things didn't improve quickly. (I'd look for a psychotherapist, rather than talking to a pediatrician, unless you have a really excellent one.) My parenting style is very anti rewards and punishments of all kinds: I've bought into the Kohn-ish view that extrinsic motivation (wanting a reward, fearing a punishment) is generally harmful to developing intrinsic motivation (understanding that something is worth doing and doing it for its own sake) so we try to avoid it except in very special circumstances. I think of it in terms of helping someone to learn to hill walk: you can push or pull them up a slope for a short way, and you might do it for example if there's one too-steep bit in the middle of a long walk, but that's not what helps them have the strength to climb it for themselves, and in fact expecting to be pushed or pulled gets in the way of developing that. If that's compatible with your parenting philosophy, I wonder whether some chats about what it is to be a learner and what school is for and what parents' jobs are in helping their children grow up, in those terms, might help?

Yes, I would definitely have him seen by a pro, the statements about dying and death are not good.
Our ds9 was diagnosed with depression at the tender age of 8, and it was a complete shock, but now that we have a direction and path to take (and some explanation for some of the distracted, foggy-headed behavior, and the over-the-top reactions) we are in a much better place, as is he, already.
We have a couple different therapy things in place for now and will continue to move towards getting him in a happier place. It just breaks my heart when his response to a small argument amongst him and his cousins results in him running into his room and saying later that 'it's like dementors are following me around'. Not good.
Reasons not to wait: depression can be recurring, kids get better faster with help (possibly down to a few months), the quicker they get help/recover, the less likely these thoughts/feelings are to become 'part of their personality'. ( According to our psychologist, kids this age don't usually hurt themselves, but obviously that means sometimes they do )

Not trying to diagnose your ds, but recommending you have him checked out.
Hugs!

(dementors are the creatures in Harry Potter that suck all the happiness out of a person, right before they suck out your soul altogether, for anyone not having read H.P.)

Thank you for the advice. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this type of behavior. It's heart breaking to watch him go through this and not know if what I'm doing is right. I'm going to let the new school know he's having issues related to being bullied. I may reach out to the pediatrician (who's a giftie and an alumn of the new school) for referrals.
Any suggested reading that can help with strategies would really help.
Again, everyone's advice has been really
helpful. Thank you!

We've seen some of the same type behaviors at about the same age. It was so frightening because we couldn't figure out why he was so unhappy with life. Well, I found out later what (we feel) caused most of it. We believe that ds was so stressed in his classroom due to the behaviors of another student. The other student would throw desks, hit himself, bang his head on the desk, scream at the teacher, just awful and disruptive behavior. DS told us that there were times when the teacher would motion for the kids to move out of the way because the other kid was getting wound up.

DS really liked school, liked his teacher(s), and said on more than one occasion that he wished this other kid would stop messing the whole class up. I believe that it was a stressful environment where ds no longer had the secure feeling he was accustomed to in school - not that ds could articulate all of that at the time. I think that he had all of this anxiety and no idea what to do with it, so it came out in these behaviors. I talked to the teacher and principal about it, but was less than thrilled with the principal's response.

Those are just my thoughts about what we experienced with my ds at the time. Once that school year was over, the behaviors lessened, although ds is still pretty intense emotionally. Later, we found out more of what ds's needs are and are definitely keeping an eye on things like depression and anxiety, which the psychologist mentioned could become an issue for ds due to 'giftedness'.

Good luck - I know how scary it is.